Chapter Four

Kendall Donovan stared out the passenger side window of her husband’s Navigator, just as committed to ignoring him as she had been in the two days prior to his confession and the two days since. They had another hour to get to the clubhouse, and the time couldn’t pass soon enough.

In private, she could do nothing but cry. All the years she’d fought for Johnnie’s love and a place in the world. In his life. In Meggie’s life. All the years she’d fought for him to see her and love her for her, he’d dropped bombshell after bombshell, and expected her to be okay.

He truly assumed she’d go along with his bone-headed plan to torture Meggie and drive her away.

In front of him, she refused to show her devastation or how deeply his betrayal cut. Thoughts of gathering her children and running away ran rampant in her mind. Except she couldn’t take Rory, Mattie, JJ, and Blade away from the only life they’d ever known. She couldn’t take her kids away from their aunts, uncles, and cousins. From the time they were born, they were secure in the knowledge of where they belonged.

“We’re almost home, Kendall.”

As if she didn’t know.

“Do you really want the kids to witness your selfishness?”

Kendall wilted. It was always her destructive behavior. Her selfishness. Her meanness.

Her psychoness.

Johnnie would forever be the good guy, applauded for taking Crazy Kendall as his wife.

“Talk to me.”

She had nothing to say to him.

“I love you, Kendall.”

She whipped her head around. “You fucking asshole.” She half snarled, half sobbed. “You love me only when I’m your fucking pet.”

Johnnie’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. “I’ve never seen you as a pet.”

“The fuck you haven’t. Bad Kendall is sent away to a fucking dog shelter for retraining. Good Kendall is rewarded with praises and empty words.”

“You’re a miserable fucking bitch for even saying that.”

“And you’re a miserable fucking bitch for not recognizing it.”

“I’m doing what I have to do to protect you and Mattie.”

“And to kill Meggie,” she said tiredly.

Sidling a chilling gaze at her, he opened his mouth.

“I’m not listening.” Kendall turned her head and stared out of the window again. “We’ve had this argument, anyway. You aren’t changing your insistence that you’d never do such a thing. And I’m not changing my belief that Meggie’s death is the only way you’ll ever truly be free of her.”

“Kendall, I resent—”

“At least have the balls to admit that.”

“There’s nothing to admit,” he said after a pregnant pause.

“Of course there isn’t. You’re always the wronged. Never the perpetrator.”

“Me? Let’s focus on you.”

“Let’s not,” she retorted. “I’ve had years of focus on me. You can’t weasel your way out of responsibility for your actions and behavior by redirecting attention to mine.”

“I can do any fucking thing I want to.”

“As always. You’re an entitled fuckhead with no thoughts of anyone else’s happiness except your own.”

“Entitled?” he gasped.

Kendall snorted. “Let’s not forget clueless.”

“Enough with your fucking insults.”

The conversation was going nowhere, disintegrating into a juvenile back-and-forth. Kendall was determined to calm herself, so when she saw her children again, they wouldn’t suspect her turmoil.

“Do you love me, Kendall?”

“Does it matter, asshole?”

“It’s a yes or no answer, wife.”

Heaving in a breath, Kendall blinked away her tears. She didn’t want to love Johnnie. Through all the years of their life together, through all the trauma and upheaval she’d caused, through every painful reminder of how he felt about Meggie, Kendall had always loved Johnnie. She’d always held on to that feeling for him, always saw him as her knight in shining armor even when she didn’t consciously recognize him as such.

It was why she’d given up and tried to end her life when she discovered not only didn’t Johnnie want her anymore but had taken up with Emily, Kendall’s childhood nemesis.

“I love you, Johnnie. I just don’t like you very much right now.”

Silence, and then: “Why do you call me entitled?”

“Because you are. Your grandfather put you above everyone. Made you believe you were better than everyone. Perhaps you didn’t consciously buy into that. Subconsciously, you do. You believe you’re beyond reproach and better than everyone.”

“That’s not true!”

“The fuck it isn’t.”

“I never saw myself as better than you or Christopher.”

“I don’t know how you feel about me. But Outlaw? You can’t get over Meggie choosing him over you. You, with the college education, the charm, the polish.”

“You’re implying I never loved you. That I didn’t fall in love with you.”

“I’m implying nothing. I’m telling you that you’ve never gotten over Meggie.”

He sighed. “I never expected that frightened eighteen-year-old girl to turn into…I never expected her to stay with Christopher, Kendall.”

Turning away from the window, she studied her hands resting in her lap. The sunlight glinted off her diamond wedding band, since she’d never had an engagement ring. Usually, when Johnnie spoke of his past feelings for Meggie, it shattered Kendall.

Now, she felt only relief. If they could get his feelings out in the open, understand them together, maybe she could convince him to confess to Outlaw so Meggie would be safe.

“Did you expect her to leave Outlaw and run to you?”

Kendall glanced in Johnnie’s direction, surprised at his thoughtful expression.

“You don’t know, do you?” she pressed.

“I never considered it,” he confessed.

“You wouldn’t have. You’ve been too busy wondering why she didn’t choose you.”

“Sometimes, I do hate her. I’ve hidden it, but it’s there.”

Unfortunately, Johnnie truly believed he’d covered his resentment and derision of Meggie from everyone. In fact, it was an open secret. Everyone knew it. They just pretended it didn’t exist.

Meggie’s attitude on the matter dictated everyone else’s, especially Outlaw’s. But she had become fed up. Not that Kendall blamed her. Except it left Kendall terrified.

Over the years that she’d derided Meggie, she always understood her influence. Whether Meggie cared about the sway she had, Kendall couldn’t say. What she did know was Megan Caldwell’s quiet strength kept Outlaw sane, saved lives, and kept their family intact. Kendall would even say Meggie kept the club going.

If she turned her back on Johnnie, took away the power of her protection, then he was dead. And so was Kendall.

She cleared her throat. “Tell me about her back then. The girl you fell in love with.”

He shifted in his seat, sidled another glance, then dropped a hand away from the steering wheel. “She was so very fragile, Kendall. She was terrified something would happen to her mother and only wanted her father to rescue her.”

“How long after she arrived did you meet her?”

“She lived by the creek for a month before Rack brought her to the club. A week or two later, someone shot Christopher. I saw her the day after, but she was too focused on accusing Rack of setting Christopher up. I think…she has always been a combination of warrior queen and mystical fairy.”

His description didn’t bother Kendall. Over the years, she’d gotten used to Johnnie’s exaltation of Meggie. But the woman adored Outlaw. She’d never been a threat to Kendall’s relationship with Johnnie.

“When did you fall in love with her?”

“Maybe it was then. Or, maybe, when Christopher finally awakened, and she was storming away because he pissed her off. She didn’t give a fuck about what we thought of her. If she had something to say, she did. But the way she defended and protected Christopher…fuck, Kendall…she was a little broken, grieving for her father, scared for her mother’s safety, and only at the club by Christopher’s grace. That didn’t take away her ferocity.”

“You fell in love with her the day you met her?”

He shook his head. “It was after I first kissed her,” he said with a sigh. “Hours after Christopher left her at Aunt Patricia’s. Megan’s spirits were crushed. She…I found her alone. Somehow, we ended up…goddamn…she stopped me before I fucked her. I thought…I told her Christopher would return.”

“You didn’t believe it?”

“I…yes. I did. Christopher couldn’t not return. She’d gotten under his skin. He was staying away more because he felt unworthy of her rather than not wanting her.”

“He’d killed her father.”

Johnnie nodded. “He was grieving, though. Waiting to die. I don’t think he felt as if he deserved to live.”

“Until Meggie.”

“Yes.”

“But he left her with you.”

“Megan had, has, a mind of her own. She wasn’t so enamored of me she’d fall into my bed simply because I was a biker or a businessman.”

“You know you never had a chance with her. She was already in love with Christopher and pregnant by him.”

Johnnie’s jaw clenched.

“She wouldn’t have stayed with you had you won her.”

“I beg your pardon?” he sneered. “You’ve stayed with me.”

“I was already a grown woman, Johnnie. Meggie was a frightened girl.”

“I see. You lured me into telling my secrets only to start with this bullshit again.”

Kendall laughed without humor. “No, fuckhead. I didn’t. I’m trying to save your fucking life. From the moment you saw Meggie, she was an object. Not a real person with genuine emotions and feelings. You would’ve expected her to remain the girl you met. To grow, to thrive, she would’ve had no choice but to leave you, Johnnie.”

“Fuck you. You make me sound like Logan.”

“If the insanity fits, motherfucker, wear it.”

“This is what I mean! You complain about our relationship when you don’t give me what she gives to Christopher!”

“Well, darling, you don’t give me what Outlaw gives to Meggie. And you wouldn’t have had that relationship with her either, asshole. He allowed her to grow and come into her own. He treated her like a fucking person. Not a prized possession.” It was the same way Johnnie was treating Mattie. “Mostly, he cherished and worshiped her because she cherished and worshipped him.”

“Kendall—”

An incoming text alert interrupted what Johnnie intended to say.

“Hold on,” she grumbled. “It’s probably one of the kids, asking how close to home we are.”

Torie: Hello Kendall. It’s Jo’s nurse. Outlaw has blocked my number. I’ve already called Meggie. I need more money. It’s in her best interest to do as I request.

Kendall gasped.

“Everything okay, gorgeous?”

“It’s fucking Torie.” She threw her phone in the center console. “She is back at her games.”

“Fuck.”

“No, fuck her. That bitch has never met a woman more skilled at games than me.”