Chapter Three

CHAPTER THREE

February 2015, Yorkville, New York

If only Evelyn hadn’t found it so difficult to find love. She was in her final months of Columbia Law School, with a one-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side. New York was loud and dirty and complicated, but she liked it because it was different from Breckenridge in every way possible. She missed Colorado, but she had found herself in the city, honed her voice and sharpened her mind until she could create a winning defense for any perpetrator, no matter how vile. Sometimes she wondered if she should have become a therapist instead, tried to fix the darkness in those strangers instead of helping them get off easy in court. Graduation, a few months away, was barreling toward her, and just beyond that loomed the intangible totality of the rest of her life. It scared her most when the clock ticked past 2:00 a.m. and she still couldn’t sleep, couldn’t slow her racing thoughts. Evelyn had confessed her anxiety once to Sophie, who signed Evelyn up for a daily email newsletter called Inner Zen . The emails contained tips on meditation and mindful breathing. Evelyn deleted them for weeks but eventually gave in and started meditating for twenty minutes every morning, and it seemed to help. There was only one thing missing.

She hadn’t had a true relationship since freshman year of college, undergraduate , and that had only lasted six months before he broke things off— You’re too busy. You spend too much time at the gym. Funny, since he played on the soccer team. But she shrugged it off, relatively unfazed. What followed over the next six years was a series of unsuccessful dates with increasingly long dry spells in between. And now, in New York, the dating scene seemed hopeless. Everyone was constantly on the go and had little time for more than a few messages on a dating app or a quick drink at an expensive bar. It was a waste of time, she told herself. But still.

Her mother tried to give her dating advice, which was embarrassing, and so did Sophie, which was infuriating. Her younger sister flirted with a string of boyfriends in high school and seemed to have seduced every man in a fifty-mile radius of her college campus. She seemed less self-conscious than Evelyn, able to connect with new people more easily. Sophie’s relationships were short, too, but she found the most interesting people—a study abroad student from Norway, a guy who grew up on an isolated ranch in Montana, and of course her latest (and longest), kayaker extraordinaire, talented painter, and quite a bit older than Sophie—Miles. Before Evelyn had met him, she’d received pictures from Sophie—the two of them standing on top of a mountain, squinting into the camera in the bright sun, or standing on the bank of a river in life jackets, ready to run rapids. Something Sophie had only done a handful of times before but seemed to love now that Miles had come into her life. Evelyn thought Miles was handsome, in a rugged way—not quite her type, she only liked the scraggly look in the outdoors, not at home. Still, she could see why Sophie was attracted to him. Hand him a trident and he’d make a decent Poseidon.

Evelyn hadn’t been surprised when Sophie had called her after Miles’s proposal. She never expected her sister to have a relationship that ticked all the traditional boxes—dating for several years, then a long engagement to plan the wedding. Sophie had always dived headfirst into whatever felt right at the moment. But she was young, her brain still stuck in the stage between adolescence and adulthood. At twenty-one, Evelyn had been so absorbed with schoolwork that she’d hardly given a thought to relationships. When Evelyn thought of the type of men she’d been attracted to at that age—frat guys, climbing gym bros—she was thankful that none of those relationships had lasted. She was concerned that Sophie had made the leap so young, but then again, she’d prioritized her romantic connections as much as anything else. Sophie had probably dated triple the number of men that Evelyn had. If she didn’t have a good grasp of what she wanted from a relationship now, when would she?

Four years later, Evelyn felt more herself than ever before, but what she wanted in a partner still felt largely unknowable. Maybe one day she would wake up and understand herself well enough to love someone else, but lasting, mutually fulfilling relationships still sounded like a fairy tale.

Evelyn kept quiet on the phone, allowed Sophie to fill the line with her breathless excitement, but after she hung up, she wondered if she should have expressed her doubt. That said, the response would almost certainly have been: “Can’t you just be happy for me?”

Alone in her apartment, in the cool evening light, Evelyn turned the wedding invitation over in her hands. It was silly to think, but she couldn’t help it—had she made a wrong turn somewhere along the way, paid attention to the wrong things? Her younger sister was secure enough to get married—at twenty-one years old. Even if Evelyn didn’t want to be married yet, it was the principle. Evelyn could clearly trace the pattern that had arisen over the years—anything Evelyn wanted, so had Sophie. First it was skiing, then rock climbing, then mountain climbing. If Evelyn succeeded at an activity, Sophie was right beside her. That kind of matched skill and teamwork was invaluable on a mountain, but for once, Evelyn wished to have something only for herself, and for it to come as easily to her as everything seemed to come to Sophie. Pretend as she might, she wasn’t always happy alone.

While she spent her time crafting defenses and rushing around the city, a part of her was keenly aware of a voice whispering in her subconscious: if you don’t slow down, this will be your life forever . Nearly all her law school friends were single, too absorbed in their future careers to make time for romantic relationships. Sometimes she saw herself reflected in them, in their single-minded drive to achieve lofty goals. But Evelyn always seemed to be worrying about something more—returning to the mountains, keeping up with Sophie. Deep down she knew she wasn’t jealous of Sophie because of Miles, but because of Sophie’s entire life—how, without really trying, she’d settled into a path that led her to the mountains, to security, to love.

Her flight left the next morning. There was snow on the ground when she stepped off the plane in Denver, and even more in Breckenridge—as she drove the winding roads to the ski resort, she feared hitting a patch of black ice and spinning out into a snowbank. The fear intensified each time she drove past abandoned cars on the side of the road, victims of a recent blizzard. But her rented SUV didn’t slide and she made it home, to the brown condo building nestled into the mountainside.

Sophie sat cross-legged on the living room floor, going over the seating arrangements with their mother. She looked up when Evelyn entered, stamping snow off her boots, and beamed.

“Well, look who’s arrived. The real love of my life.”

And how could Evelyn feel anything but grateful in the face of that kind of love? Evelyn set her suitcase aside and went to hug her sister, and they stood for a long time in silence, holding each other because their visits had become rare. Sophie was the first to let go. She stepped back to let Evelyn hug their mother.

“We should have planned this out weeks ago,” Sophie said, returning to her seat on the floor, “but somehow it got lost in the shuffle. Plus I’ve had people drop out. I guess I can’t blame them. Breck isn’t the easiest place to get to in February.”

“Excuses,” Evelyn said. “I got here just fine.” She waited as her mother and sister argued over where to seat a difficult member of the extended family, and then caught Sophie’s eye. “How’s Wyoming?”

Sophie’s hands flew to her cheeks. “It’s incredible,” she said, eyes wide. “Guiding in the Tetons...it’s like, a total dream come true. I can’t get enough of those mountains. You’ll have to come out again in a few months. Oh, of course, to prep for K2.” She paused. “Miles loves it too. We’re within a few hours of plenty of rivers.”

Evelyn couldn’t bring herself to smile in return. How young Sophie seemed, to be stepping into a commitment she might not fully understand. She cleared her throat, and Sophie’s excited expression dropped.

“I’m going to make tea,” their mother said, standing up. “Do either of you want anything?”

“I’ll have some,” Sophie replied.

Evelyn waved her hand. “No, thanks. I had coffee when I landed.” She watched their mother retreat into the kitchen before looking at Sophie again.

“Say it.”

“What?” But Evelyn couldn’t play dumb, not with Sophie. She sighed, running her hands over her thighs as she spoke. “I just hope you’ve really thought about this.”

“I have. God, I don’t need your judgment too. I thought you’d be on my side.” She tilted her head, indicating the doorway to the kitchen. “She is so mad at me. She’s not over it yet.”

It took Evelyn a second to fill in the blanks. “Dropping out? Or the wedding?”

Sophie rolled her eyes, as if the answer should have been obvious. “Both. She thinks I’m throwing my life away to chase after a man. I keep telling her, at least I’m not pregnant. She thinks it’s a huge mistake, but I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I get to climb every day for a living instead of sitting in a classroom listening to a professor drone on about something I don’t actually care about.” She paused. “I’m not like you. I don’t want a career. I just want to make enough money to keep climbing. And right now, I’m doing that, by climbing . I can’t imagine anything better.”

Evelyn ignored the subtle jab, unsure if Sophie had intended to hurt her feelings. “You were so close. Don’t you think one more year would have been worth it?”

Sophie shrugged. “It was a waste of money. It’s not like I had a scholarship.”

Evelyn blinked. That dig felt intentional; she had received a full-ride scholarship to Colorado College for her undergrad. She shifted, allowing her eyes to drift down to the seating chart, pretending to study it. “And moving in with Miles? The wedding?”

“It just makes sense. Neither of us wanted to stay in Washington. And we know we’re going to stay together, so why not get married?”

Sophie’s naivety surprised Evelyn sometimes, the way her sister had an innate knack for human connections but failed to see the big picture. Evelyn could think of plenty of reasons to not get married at twenty-one, but she held her tongue. Instead, she said, “Where’s Miles?”

“Still in Wyoming,” Sophie replied. She detected a hint of sadness in her sister’s voice. “He was supposed to drive here with me, but the pipe under our kitchen sink cracked, so he had to stay to fix that. He’ll get here on Thursday.”

It surprised her again, to hear of the problems in her sister’s life. A cracked pipe in the house she partially owned. Evelyn couldn’t imagine owning a property for years, not until she finally moved out of the city. If she was honest, she was bothered by Sophie’s life bounding forward while her own appeared more stagnant. She had the sensation of being stuck at the base of a mountain, watching Sophie speed toward the summit without her. Evelyn reminded herself that she was about to graduate from law school, begin a new career, and that in a few months she would once again be on equal ground with Sophie, as they set off to climb K2 and Broad Peak. She glanced around the room, at the fire burning away in the fireplace and the scattered family photographs, and yawned.

“Go to bed,” Sophie said. “We’ll catch up more tomorrow.”

“We should ski,” Evelyn offered. “Or snowshoe or something active. I want to be on the mountain as much as possible while I’m here.”

Sophie smiled. “Sure. I can’t stop thinking about K2. I feel like we’ll never be ready.”

She stood up and stretched, feeling all the places in her body where the airplane seat had cramped her muscles, and another yawn escaped her mouth. “I thought I’d make it longer.” She looked at Sophie for a long moment, thinking of all the times she had braided Sophie’s hair before bed when they were kids. Were they too old for that now? Evelyn said good-night to her mother in the kitchen and went upstairs.

K2, the savage mountain. They had dreamed up the plan on Thanksgiving, the last time she had seen Sophie, when they were feeling grandiose and brave; Sophie had called it Evelyn’s graduation present. Last year they summited Everest together. But on Everest they’d been part of a group with other experienced American climbers, and the mountain’s puzzle had been solved thousands of times already; their route required no guesswork. Not a walk in the park by any means, but they’d had a straightforward experience with clear weather. K2 was notoriously more difficult. Broad Peak would come after, a bonus summit if they had enough energy left. And Evelyn knew that Sophie would be in better shape—she climbed for a living, while Evelyn was mostly deskbound, though she went on daily runs and made time for the gym when she could. She thought about that as she drifted off to sleep, if she was being too judgmental of Sophie, for following a dream they both shared. The only difference between her and Sophie was fear. Evelyn was afraid of relying on her own determination to make a living, without any sense of security. She knew she wasn’t strong enough to follow a nontraditional path. Becoming a lawyer had been a test, a way to prove to herself that she was capable of accomplishing even the most difficult goals. But maybe it had all been a way to avoid chasing what she truly wanted. She sunk into envy and sleep.

On Saturday evening, after the wedding ceremony, Evelyn was pleasantly drunk. The ceremony had been, admittedly, beautiful—on the edge of a clearing that bordered woods, thick stands of lodgepole pines, branches heavy with snow, and mountains all around them. Below, in the valley, Breckenridge slowly lit up as daylight faded away. And then, after Sophie and Miles were wed and kissed, it began to snow from the heavy gray clouds that had lingered overhead all day. Each guest held a candle as they walked single file back to the lodge, a large building adorned with big brown logs and huge glass windows. The bottom of Evelyn’s dress was soaked with snow, but she didn’t mind. She was the maid of honor, and throughout the ceremony her speech tumbled through her mind, what she would say during dinner, how to convey the forces of her love to a room of friends, family, and strangers.

“Sophie,” she said into the microphone, into the hushed room. “You mean so much to me. You’re my little sister, my climbing partner, my balance, and my security in this difficult and often tragic world. I’ve tried to think of a thousand ways to summarize what you mean to me, but I think it’s easier to paint a picture.

“When I was eighteen and you were fifteen, we climbed our first 14er, Little Bear Peak. Your idea, of course. I asked if we could do something easier and you said, ‘That’s no fun.’ So we camped overnight in the wilderness and you woke me up at 4:00 a.m. and we started up. You wanted it to be just like the Himalayan climbs you knew we would one day do, only without the snow.” Evelyn searched for Sophie’s face in the dim room and saw that she was smiling, because she knew the story.

“We made it to the summit a few hours later. There’s this section you have to climb through, the hourglass, and you raced right up it and I was shaking when we got to the top. But the view was so beautiful. And then I saw you looking at the traverse to Blanca Peak.

“It’s this mile-long exposed ridge of rocky towers that takes you from one peak to the other. I told you no. Clouds had rolled in and I thought it might start to rain. I was worried enough about making it back down the hourglass, not to mention exhausted and hungry. But your mind was made up. You told me I could come with you or wait for you on Little Bear. I didn’t want to be shown up by my younger sister, so of course I came.

“I’d never dealt with exposure like that before. A sheer drop on either side and all these choices we had to make. Climbing is like solving a puzzle. There are all these pieces of rock and you have to assemble the pieces to see the path. We were halfway across when it started to rain. The rock got wet and my grip kept slipping. I wanted to turn around, go back the way we came, but you never showed any fear.

“We went a little farther and I started crying. I’d never been that afraid before. The wind was picking up and the clouds had moved in low over the mountain and I thought I was going to die. I never even gave you a second thought.” Laughter trickled through the crowd. “I knew you’d survive. I clung to some rock and curled up and cried. It took you a few minutes, but you realized I wasn’t behind you. And instead of continuing without me, you came back.

“You sat with me, I don’t remember how long. Thirty minutes or maybe an hour, but you sat with me, and held my hand, and let me cry. You didn’t make fun of me or act annoyed. And when the rain passed and I had calmed down, you said we could keep going or go back, together. I chose to keep going.

“We made it to Blanca Peak and I’m so glad we did. The clouds moved away and the sky was so blue and I felt like I was on top of the world. But I learned an important lesson that day. That even though you’re younger than me, and less experienced, you’re braver and stronger.”

Evelyn took a breath and surveyed the room before her eyes met Sophie’s again. “And you have the biggest heart. I hope that in Miles you have found a partner who will always value your strength, your resilience. Who will encourage you to keep searching for new heights. Who listens to your wildest dreams. I can’t think of anything more you would need. I love you more than anything, and I’m so happy for you.”

She stepped away from the mic. Seconds later she was enveloped in her sister’s arms, feeling Sophie’s tears dampen the sleeve of her dress. She hugged her sister back.

Evelyn hadn’t spent much time with Miles in the days before the wedding. He had arrived on Thursday, as promised, but then he and Sophie were busy—last minute decorations at the lodge and meetings with vendors, the rehearsal and dinner on Friday, which Evelyn had also attended—but it had been a busy whirlwind of an evening. So when he approached her after dinner, a glass of champagne in his hand, she took the opportunity to congratulate him.

“Thanks,” he said. “Your speech—wow. I have a lot to live up to.”

She appraised him for a moment. He had taken his suit jacket off and wore just a white button-up with the sleeves rolled up, and a baby blue tie to match the bridesmaids’ dresses. Evelyn’s dress. His dark, wavy hair was combed back, and his beard neatly trimmed. He looked like a different man from the one Evelyn usually saw in photos, with hair down to his shoulders and an untamed beard. Someone who lived for being outdoors and cared little for personal grooming. She had spent a lot of time around those types of people and didn’t mind in the slightest, though she herself usually preferred to look neat and polished. She respected that he had the decency to clean up for his wedding. He looked good, she thought, and wondered what she would think of him if she met him in New York one day, a stranger on a city street, not the man who had married her little sister.

She swallowed, her gaze traveling from his exposed forearms back to his face. “You’ll do fine, I’m sure,” she replied. “Sophie is crazy about you.”

“Yeah.” He leaned against the wall, looking out over Evelyn’s shoulder as if he was talking to someone else, a smile flitting across his lips, as if he knew what she had been thinking. “I’m pretty lucky.” He took a sip of champagne and glanced back to her. “What about you? No plus-one?”

Evelyn’s cheeks felt hot. “I’m sure Sophie has told you how my dating life in the city is going.” She paused. “Besides, I’m busy. What little free time I do have, I want it to be my own.”

“Isn’t that everyone’s excuse? Not enough time in the day. You certainly have enough time to climb mountains.”

“Are you suggesting I give that up?”

“No. But Sophie and I have managed to maintain our respective pursuits and our relationship.”

“Good for you,” Evelyn replied. She didn’t like his tone. The only other time she’d met Miles, he’d been pleasant enough, but that had been months ago. Perhaps he was just more comfortable now, stepping into his new role in their family. She wondered how much Sophie had told him about her—her unintentional singleness, her doubts about her career. But even she hadn’t told Sophie the latter—maybe Sophie knew her that well, could tell when Evelyn was wavering. Or maybe Miles could sense it himself, maybe he saw through her facade of confidence to what she really was: afraid. She looked at Miles, practically a stranger. He was two years older than her and married to her younger sister. She turned the fact over in her mind again and felt, for the first time, only concern, no resentment. She should have tried harder to stop the wedding, to at least talk Sophie into a longer engagement. Sophie and Miles had only been together for a year. How well did she really know him?

Did he speak to Sophie with this same flippancy toward her dreams?

“I know that guiding kayaking trips isn’t as demanding as law school,” Miles said, smiling, but she had trouble smiling back. “Anyway. I’m jealous of your place in the city. I think I’d have more opportunities if I lived there. With my art. It’s hard to find interested galleries in our one-horse town.”

“And you think the exponentially larger amount of competition in New York would make that easier?”

His eyes narrowed for just a moment. “My art is good, Evelyn. Some people don’t believe in themselves, in their work, but I do. I get better with each painting I finish. And one day I’ll be able to quit guiding and live full time off my art.” He lowered his voice. “And I don’t think that will happen in Wyoming.”

She blinked. Why was he telling her this? She glanced over his shoulder and spotted Sophie, who was looking vaguely in their direction. She motioned her sister over, eager to get out of the conversation, and to her relief Sophie headed their way. She slipped under Miles’s arm, resting her head against his chest. Safe with him. Maybe Evelyn had misunderstood what he said. They seemed so happy together.

“Look at you two,” Sophie said, glancing from Miles to Evelyn. “In-laws.”

“Soon we’ll be having family dinner every Sunday night,” Miles said.

Sophie elbowed him. “Funny. I don’t think Evelyn has time to fly out to Wyoming every week. Besides, I don’t want to share you just yet.”

“I’m not sure I trust the repair job I did on that pipe, anyway. We should probably give it a few test runs before we have any guests.”

They fell into conversation about the house, and Evelyn stepped away unnoticed. Sophie’s comment about sharing Miles perturbed her. Sophie could keep him; Evelyn wanted nothing more to do with his pompous attitude. She could only hope that he was softer around Sophie, less gratingly sure of himself. Maybe it was the alcohol.

She didn’t remember much of the rest of the wedding—two more hours, roughly, of conversation and drinks and dancing. She must have spent it alone or sitting at a table with her mother. She drank too much. That night, she woke up gasping for breath. She’d had a dream about Miles, walking toward her on an empty city street, his hand outstretched. When she had lifted her own hand to take his, she’d been wearing a wedding ring.