Chapter Ten

CHAPTER TEN

April 2018, Yama Parvat Base Camp, Nepal

Sophie looked up when she heard the door unzip. She had been rereading the one worn paperback she had shoved in her backpack, Annapurna , enraptured by Maurice Herzog’s description of reaching the summit— above us there was nothing! —and the radical fulfillment he experienced in that moment. Her proximity to Annapurna and the task of climbing an uncharted peak made the account of the mountain’s first ascent even more relevant. The book was a small luxury, the only entertainment Sophie afforded herself on the mountain. Levi had lamented not being able to bring his wood-carving tools, his favorite hobby, but every ounce of pack weight mattered. He’d brought a worn deck of cards instead and played solitaire beside Sophie while she read, or played other games with anyone willing during the evening in the mess tent, sociable as ever. He’d even cracked the ice with Ruslan and Ivan, got them to teach him how to play durak. Levi entered the tent and collapsed on the sleeping pad beside hers. “I’m beat. Has anyone stopped by?”

She set down the book. “What do you mean?”

“George or one of the other team leaders. I don’t know who’s climbing, or when.”

“Me either. I’m just camping out in here for now, trying to rest.” She paused. “I saw Evelyn. I tried to say hello to her, but she turned her back on me. Can you believe that?”

He raised his eyebrows. “Are you certain she saw you?”

“Oh, she saw me.”

“Huh. Well, I spoke to her. I think she wants to talk to you.”

“You talked to her?” Sophie straightened up, glaring at him. “Why?”

“Hey, it’s okay. I was eating and she sat near me. I recognized her and introduced myself, and we chatted for two minutes, tops. It’s nothing to be upset about.” He observed her for a moment. “Really, you can’t let her mere existence get to you like this or you’ll never climb this mountain.”

“I don’t need you to tell me how to feel.” Her own harshness surprised her; she had never spoken to him like this. “Please, just don’t do what you always do and go making friends with everyone. I’d prefer if you didn’t talk to her anymore.”

He tilted his head and reached for her hand. Reluctantly, she let him take it. “I don’t know if you’re worried about us becoming close because of what happened—with—But don’t, okay? I’m just trying to be pleasant.”

She let go of his hand. “Are you implying that I think she’s going to steal you away? God, Levi. I’m not a child. It’s not jealousy. I just—I hate her. I don’t want you around her because I can’t reconcile the person she used to be with who she’s become. I need to keep my distance. And I need you to as well.” She looked away, embarrassed that she was unable to explain her feelings more articulately, to draw on all the years when Evelyn was her hero, her best friend, the greatest older sister in the world, and the moment when all that had collapsed, the beginning of the darkest year of her life. She’d thought she wouldn’t make it out alive. But she had never said it out loud before— I hate her —and wasn’t sure if it was true. Her feelings about Evelyn swirled inside a black void that she didn’t dare enter beyond the very surface.

He watched her for a moment. “Look, I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I just think—I mean, when are you going to have this opportunity again? You’re family, Sophie. I know how much it hurts you to be estranged from her. It’s been two years. Why not try to mend the bridge?”

“It’s not my problem to fix.”

Levi reached to take her hand again and Sophie flinched involuntarily. Levi blew a breath through his lips and looked away, his jaw firmly set. “I’m telling you, she’s willing to fix it. Now you’re acting like a child.”

“Why do you care so much?” Sophie asked.

“Because...” He drew a breath, glancing back toward her. “It’s frustrating that you expect me to avoid her. And because I think you’re going to regret it if you leave here without speaking to her.” He held up a hand when Sophie tried to speak. “What if something happens and you haven’t forgiven her? You know the reality of how dangerous this climb is.” He paused. “Beyond that, think about the future. In two months you’ll go back to separate continents, and then what?”

“You sound like my mother,” Sophie scoffed. The thought made tears spring to her eyes and she looked down, hoping Levi wouldn’t notice. “I don’t need you to pressure me to do this.”

Levi touched her shoulder. After a moment, he said, “I’m not trying to pressure you. I’m just telling you that I don’t understand it, letting this resentment rule your life.”

Her head shot up. “If I have to explain to you again what happened—”

“Hey, no, that’s not what I’m saying. I know—what happened. It’s not that I don’t understand how painful that must have been. But it happened two years ago. We have a lot more life left to live, if we’re lucky. Just maybe, it’s time to move on?” He paused and then patted her shoulder once. “Let’s take a walk. Go find George and see what the plan is. We can’t keep going in circles.”

“Okay,” she said, because she didn’t have the energy to prolong the argument, to explain that two years ago felt as fresh as yesterday.

The sky had turned overcast. Tiny snow flurries, almost imperceptible, zipped through the air, carried by the wind that rattled the sides of the tents and snapped the lines of prayer flags that zigzagged through camp. Their conversation had distracted her from the noise. She was used to constant wind on the mountains, but this was something different. Weather was coming.

Beside Levi, she scanned the area. “I don’t see him.”

“Let’s check the mess tent.”

Sophie remembered, steps away from the tent, that Levi had last spoken to Evelyn while she was eating. Not much time had passed. She steeled herself to meet her sister’s gaze again, but when her eyes adjusted to the dimmer light, she saw that Evelyn was not inside. Only a few people were—George, Wojciech, and James, the American team leader. He had been instrumental in helping her and Evelyn train for Denali, their first summit above six thousand meters. And then he had accompanied them up Mount Everest, their first eight-thousand-meter peak, the tallest mountain on Earth. She knew James well, yet they hadn’t spoken since Sophie went home to Colorado and fell out of touch with the mountaineering world.

She made eye contact with him and smiled, and he grinned and lifted a hand to wave. That reassured her, although she expected nothing but professionalism from someone who had climbed as much as he had. He had probably dealt with worse interpersonal conflicts on teams.

Sophie circled around the table to George’s side, Levi trailing behind her. “Any plan yet?” she asked.

George turned to her. “Roughly. We’re trying to be fair here. Wojciech and I will climb again. And one from each of our teams. Pemba Choden too. And James is insisting on coming along. Do you want to go?” When she hesitated, he continued. “Look, it doesn’t matter to me. Penelope doesn’t feel strong enough. I don’t want to wrangle Ruslan and Ivan. So, it’s one of you two, unless you’re both strongly opposed.”

“I’ll go,” Sophie said quickly. Better to stay busy. Plus she suspected Levi might be more tired than he let on; he had never climbed in the Himalayas before and though he was skilled, there was something additionally taxing about these mountains, the extreme scale. She didn’t want to be stuck in a tent worrying about him all evening.

“Great. We want to leave in thirty minutes, so gear up. We might get stuck in the snow. We’ll carry tents in case we have to spend the night at Camp One. It won’t be fun, but we’ll see what we can do to convince Yakumo to come down.”

Half an hour later she met with George, Wojciech, his teammate Maja, James, and Pemba outside of the mess tent. The wind had kicked up even more, swirling the flakes in the air around them. Pemba spoke to George in a low voice, gesturing with his hands. When he stopped, George nodded and turned his attention to the group.

“Let’s start. We have no time to waste.”

The group headed through Base Camp to the snowfield that led up the side of the mountain. Sophie calculated the time in her head—three hours up to Camp One, two and a half if they really pushed it. Then the conversation with Yakumo—would he even want to come back down? She imagined the Japanese team tucked into their tents, sleeping through the snowstorm. Then the same amount of time back down, or longer, if the storm continued to worsen and visibility decreased. It would be well after dark by the time they reached Base Camp again. Sophie gritted her teeth, trying to tamp down the fear that rose when she considered the facts of their situation. Mountain climbing was dangerous on a good day; they were choosing to go in objectively unsafe conditions. If something happened—she didn’t like thinking that way, but she imagined Levi calling her mother from Base Camp to break the bad news. The image stuck in her mind no matter how hard she tried to push it away.

But Sophie had volunteered; there was no backing out now. She would want someone to do the same, theoretically, if she was stranded during a storm with nonfunctioning radios. It was an unspoken code of mountaineering: look out for each other. Protect each other from the dangers as much as possible. She just didn’t like sacrificing her own safety in the process.

It took all Sophie’s focus to follow George’s path through the snow. Her boots sunk through the top layer, requiring more effort with each step. As they moved farther up the snowfield, into the glacier ice, crevasses began to appear all around, an earth with many mouths. One wrong step could be fatal.

When the terrain became easier to traverse, she caught up to George. “What did Pemba say to you?”

“He thinks we’re having bad luck because there hasn’t been a puja yet. We’re supposed to have one tomorrow morning, but he suspects the Lama won’t come because of the weather. So, another day cursed.” She could tell he was amused by the idea, although it made perfect sense to Sophie. She was ashamed, too, for forgetting about the puja ceremony entirely, one of her favorite parts of climbing in the Himalayas. In the States or in Switzerland, the trips felt incomplete, lacking a blessing. She missed the feeling of rice raining over her shoulders, tossed by the other climbers in celebration.

“We’ll have to hope he’s not right,” she replied, shouting to make herself heard. The visibility was still decent, but if the snow picked up, they’d be climbing blind. They reached roughly one thousand feet below Camp One, the highest point any member of her team had reached thus far, and continued following the bamboo poles sticking out of the snow that marked the route. Sophie could feel fatigue worming its way into her muscles. Even her lungs were exhausted, desperate for more oxygen. She reminded herself that she was climbing twice as much as usual on an acclimatization day, that it was normal for her body to be so tired. Still, with each step it became harder to lift the heavy crampons. As the path up the glacier grew ever-steeper, she switched from flat footing to a hybrid step, kicking straight into the slope with her right foot and stepping sideways, flat, with her left. She kept her head down and focused on the ice and snow beneath her feet, waiting for the signal that they had reached Camp One.

She didn’t know how much time passed before the trio in front of her—George, James, and Pemba—stopped. They fanned out, and she caught up to them, surveying the wide swath of snowfield in front of them. Her heart sank before she even heard George acknowledge the problem.

“They’re not here.”

“You’re sure this is the right place?” James asked.

They all looked at Pemba, who nodded. “Positive. This is the agreed-upon location. Look,” he said, pointing at a red flag across the snowfield, barely visible above the snow. “It’s been marked on a previous trip up.”

“What’s the issue?” Wojciech asked. He had been climbing behind Sophie with Maja and had just caught up. He stepped around the group and then turned back, his mouth open in surprise.

“Christ,” George muttered, cradling his head in his hands. “We’ll have to keep looking.”

“We’re losing daylight. It’s dangerous,” James interjected.

“I’m bloody well aware that it’s dangerous,” George replied. Sophie had never seen him so heated. “But we certainly didn’t pass them on the way up. So, they’re either farther ahead, or they’ve all fallen off the mountain. We can still find them if it’s one of those options.”

“The storm—” Pemba said, but George cut him off.

“I’m aware. We’re also losing daylight. One hour, okay? One hour to search, and then we’ll descend.”

If anyone agreed verbally, she didn’t hear. Sophie stepped aside as they spread out, moving methodically across the snowfield. Ahead, large rocky formations loomed, turning white as the snow continued to fall. Somewhere between those rocks, the route to the summit continued. Sophie couldn’t imagine why Yakumo would have pushed on past this seemingly perfect campsite, but she hoped that he had. The alternative was too grim to entertain.

An hour passed. It was nearly dark. They had covered the snowfield and a little beyond, snaking up the narrow couloir between the rocks but stopping as the route grew steeper. Now, clustered together, illuminated by headlamps, George admitted defeat.

“Maybe we’ll get some answers tomorrow. Thank you for your efforts.”

The trip back down was somber, no sound for company besides the wind singing over the rocks. Sophie felt exhaustion in every inch of her overextended muscles, and fear, too—of the conditions, of her slowness, of her inability to react in case of disaster. She hated climbing scared. She resented George for pushing them to search for Yakumo, resented Yakumo for disappearing.

“Stop!” someone shouted behind her. Sophie turned, throwing an arm across her face to shield herself from the falling snow. She made out James, several feet behind her. He stood on the edge of a large crevasse, pointing at something. It ran parallel to the climbing route, but the group had given it a wide berth. Sophie glanced at George, who gestured to James; Sophie walked back in his direction, her body angled into the wind.

When the group gathered around, James pointed again. “Look. Is that a body?”

It was difficult to see. Sophie squinted, following the path of his hand, and saw nothing except distant snow and ice—a faint undulation in the ground, perhaps, but probably nothing more than a rock buried beneath the snow.

“Why on earth would they have gone to that side?” George said.

James turned to him, letting his hand fall. “I don’t know. Maybe they wanted to see what was over there,” he replied, with a tone of exasperation.

“Sightseeing?”

James shook his head. “I’m going to take a look.”

George opened his mouth and then closed it. He waved his hand. “Be my guest. We’re already here.”

“Thanks for the permission, old friend.” James turned his back to them and set off around the edge of the crevasse, growing smaller as he headed into the distance.

Sophie realized how long it would take him to reach the other side and began to pace in small circles, aware that she needed to keep her blood flowing or risk frostbite.

“Can barely see him,” George muttered, more to himself than to the group. “This was a stupid idea.”

“You don’t think they’re over there?” Wojciech asked.

“No. And I don’t think—holy shit. He’s gone.”

Sophie blinked. She had been staring at James while George talked and hadn’t understood what her own eyes had seen, the sudden disappearance of the orange backpack that her gaze had followed.

No one said anything for a long minute. They watched the distant crevasse edge as if James might reappear at any second. Sophie willed him to, against all probability. But the mountain remained still and silent except for the wind.

George let loose a string of expletives under his breath and set off without looking back. The others struggled to keep pace with him as they looped around the edge of the crevasse. As they drew closer to the spot, George began shouting James’s name, and the others joined in, a small chorus of barely audible voices. George halted abruptly.

“Did you hear that?”

They listened again, and for a long moment only heard the reply of the wind. But then a faint shout echoed up from the crevasse, from the depths of the icy earth.

The group set off again, following George’s lead, playing call and reply until they located where James seemed to be caught. George slung off his backpack but Sophie stopped him.

“I’ll go,” she said, tossing her backpack onto the snow. She knew they needed to set up an elaborate pulley system if they were going to rescue James. But more urgently, they needed to know his exact location, and Sophie weighed less than George. It was safer for her to approach the edge. After taking a few steps, she crouched down, crawling forward and eventually shimmying on her stomach until she was close enough to peer in. She looked down at the strange blue walls of the chasm. Her heart lifted when she noticed James stranded on a small ledge far below, clinging to his ice axe.

“We’ll get you out,” she shouted down, and he gazed up at her, his face cast in shadow.

“I’ll warn you now,” he called up. “I’m in bad shape.”

Sophie carefully retreated from the edge and went to help the rest of the group with the pulley system. When it was time, she tossed the rope down to James, who caught it in his free hand.

The process of hauling James out was slow and laborious. Sophie had been through many rescue courses in her life, had even taught a few herself. But she had never done the real thing, relied on her strength and a pulley system when someone’s life was on the line. The snow picked up, swirling around the group in mysterious gusts as the wind rose and fell. Sophie’s chest felt like it was going to burst and her muscles ached with fatigue.

“Alright. Hang in. This should do it.” George reset the hauling prusik on the line and gestured for Maja and Sophie to pull again. Pemba and Wojciech moved to the crevasse to help James as he reached the surface. Sophie and Maja leaned back, pulling against the rope with all their strength, and James’s hand appeared at the lip, followed by his head. Maja let out a whoop and Sophie exhaled with relief, almost a laugh, every muscle in her body shaking now.

Pemba and Wojciech pulled James up and helped him to his feet. George, Maja, and Sophie stayed where they were, all hesitant to get closer lest another disaster strike. As James and his human crutches approached, Sophie inhaled a sharp breath. James’s face was bloodied, an injury on his forehead that extended down his left cheek. He limped, and his left arm hung at a strange angle.

“Boy. I’m glad to see you.” James paused for breath, leaning against the men holding him upright.

“I’m glad to see you too, mate. What the hell happened?” George asked.

James shook his head, as though even thinking caused him pain. “The edge caved in. I was closer than I should have been, trying to get around faster. The ice wasn’t stable. And I took a hard fucking fall, man. I think my arm is broken. Don’t know about my leg. Head is—”

“Save it for the doctor. I’m just glad you’re alive. Let’s get back before something worse happens.”

Sophie and Maja worked quickly to disassemble and pack up the anchor and pulley system. The edge caved in. James’s words played on repeat in her head. Just a few minutes ago, she had leaned over that same edge. What if the ice hadn’t held? She could have fallen to that same fate, or worse. James had gotten lucky, landing on the ledge. Crevasses could be hundreds of feet deep. Sophie had to shut out reality to climb sometimes, but now the full force of it hit her. With a slightly different sequence of events, she might have ended up stuck hundreds of feet below the earth’s surface, sentenced to an icy grave.

But I’m alive , she reminded herself. And James is alive. That’s all that matters.

Sophie suspected he’d be unable to continue the expedition if his arm really was broken. She didn’t think he would exaggerate an injury. She wondered what it meant for the American team—if they would pack up and follow their leader home. She doubted it, but the selfish part of her hoped for such an easy solution—that Evelyn would disappear as quickly as she had arrived.

It took another two hours to descend to Base Camp, their pace slowed by James. The neon tents were visible even through the darkness and falling snow, and the mess tent was lit up like a beacon. Pemba and George helped James to the medical station. Sophie stopped by her tent, hoping to find Levi there, but it was empty. She shed a layer, zipped back into the waterproof hard-shell pants and jacket, and headed to the mess tent like a zombie, desperate for warmth and food.

As soon as she stepped into the tent, she realized that she was the first from the mission to arrive. All conversation stopped immediately as heads turned toward her. She blinked, considering how to break the news. It would be worse to sugarcoat the truth.

“We couldn’t find them,” she said. “We climbed to Camp One and they weren’t there. We searched farther up the standard route and found nothing.”

Blank stares. How else to respond to such news? The disappearance of an entire team was about the worst possible way to start an expedition. She opened her mouth again to speak, to tell them about James, but didn’t know how to break the news of two misfortunes in a row.

“Will there be another search party tomorrow?” someone asked, and Sophie shrugged. It wasn’t her responsibility to decide. A flurry of movement caught her eye—Levi waving to her. Thankful for the excuse to step out of the spotlight, she claimed the empty seat next to him and pulled off her gloves, sliding her frozen hands into his.

“They’re really just...gone?”

She nodded. “Maybe they went on to Camp Two. Maybe they got lost. Visibility wasn’t awful, but—who knows? We couldn’t keep looking. I’m exhausted.” She felt tears spring to her eyes and pulled her hands back to wipe them away. “The whole thing was a disaster. James slipped into a crevasse and we had to pull him out. That’s why it took so long. He’s injured. He should be with the doctor now. I don’t think he’ll climb again this trip. I’m just glad he’s alive.”

He regarded her for a moment. “That’s awful. I’m so sorry, Sophie. We’ve been worried about you guys, watching the weather pick up here.”

She shrugged. “We survived.”

She felt someone nudge her and glanced to her right. “One less team to compete against for the summit, right?” It was Ruslan, grinning and holding a can of beer aloft. He touched the can to Ivan’s, seated across the table. Sophie shot him a look of disgust. She hadn’t even noticed his presence at first, but here he was, celebrating the possible death of five climbers.

Penelope, seated next to Ivan across from Levi, looked equally revolted. “If you’re going to be pigs, don’t drag the rest of us through your mud.” The comment only solicited a laugh from Ruslan and Ivan, so she rolled her eyes as she turned back to Sophie and Levi. “Will you look again tomorrow? What is the plan?”

“I’ve done my part,” Sophie replied, glancing at the door as Wojciech and Maja entered. “I don’t think I can push myself that much, not after the rescue. Maybe someone else will go.”

“You shouldn’t go again,” Levi said. “It’s supposed to keep snowing through tomorrow. They’ve been checking satellite images, and it doesn’t look good.”

“Well, there you go,” Sophie said, pushing her chair away from the table. “It’s in Yakumo’s hands now.” She wanted to get away from the conversation, even for just a minute. She couldn’t push away the lingering feeling of guilt, even though they had collectively failed to find the Japanese team. In her head, a scene played on loop: five bodies slowly covered with snow. Some remote part of the mountain, a misstep off the route that led to disaster. She wanted so badly to be wrong.

She filled a bowl with that night’s meal of tofu curry. She hadn’t lost her appetite yet, a small grace. Although not even eating was simple on the mountain, with the amount of food she needed to consume each day.

Does Yakumo’s team have enough food? Are they still alive to eat?

“Are you okay?” Levi asked as she sat down.

Sophie realized the worry must be visible on her face and tried to rearrange her expression. “Never been better,” she replied. “Hungry, tired, you know. I’m fine.” If they had been alone in their tent, she might have told him the truth, but here, surrounded by people who might overhear, she wanted to paint a brighter picture. She didn’t care if he sensed the lie. She ate greedily, focusing on the food to shut out the sounds of conversations. She had plenty of practice in going inward, ignoring the outside world to get through a difficult situation. She hadn’t imagined that this trip would share similarities to the year after Miles and Evelyn’s affair, but here she was, in survival mode already. She had often guessed that some fundamental part of her had broken two years ago, when two of the people she loved the most had betrayed her. Never mind that she and Miles fought daily, that the cabin in Wyoming was basically a shack, that she spent all her time working. That had been her life, and she would have fought viciously to protect it if given the chance. But instead, it was stolen from under her nose, no choice given. Maybe that was the problem—she didn’t like feeling powerless.

Her spoon scraped the bottom of the empty bowl. “I’m going to bed,” she announced, for the benefit of anyone who was listening.

“I’ll come with you,” Levi said, and as they stood up, he grabbed her bowl, stacking it on top of his, and when he caught up to her at the front of the mess tent, they stepped out together into what was now a blizzard. He stayed close, and quiet, and she loved him for that.