6. ‘Kitty’

SIX

‘KITTY'

RUBY

Squirt and I are sitting in the kitchen watching Kiwi work her magic making breakfast. Tink wanted everyone here this morning for an impromptu breakfast, so we watch all of our club sisters start making their way in. I hear the vibration before Squirt grabs her phone and smiles. I'm just going to take a guess that it's Presley.

"Hey, good-looking, what's up, Squirt?"

I watch her face and when her eyes shoot to me, my stomach drops. Oh my God did something happen to Presley's friends who are on their way here? I mean, Malachi is one of them. Squirt's head is going up and down like Presley can see her, which he can't, they aren't FaceTiming or Zoom calling. She asks a few generic questions then tells him our meeting is about to start and hangs up. I wait about two minutes, then I can't take it any longer.

"Squirt, what the hell is going on, and is Malachi okay? He's not hurt or injured, is he? Well, sister, talk to me, please."

She never takes her eyes off me when she takes in a deep breath.

"Change of plans, Kitty. From what Presley just told me, there's something going on with his four friends who are driving up here. Don't understand dudes but one has a hard-on, not my words, for Malachi. So Presley said it's only going to get worse. The original plan was to drive through Wyoming to Casper and stop for the night. Well, something went down and now they are going to stop in Saratoga, Wyoming at some lodge for a couple of days to have some sort of mini-vacation. Presley said it might end up only being three who make the rest of the journey, but he's not sure how the last guy is going to process this change in plans. Sort of on his own power trip. He wanted me to tell you Malachi won't be arriving now until late Saturday but probably sometime on Sunday afternoon."

I look at her, shrugging my shoulders.

"Why does Presley feel the need to give me a blow-by-blow of when his friends are going to arrive? Whatever they want to do is on them, Squirt."

"Okay, enough, I'm calling bullshit, Kitty. Remember? I was there in Texas when you and Malachi couldn't bear to be apart. Every meal together, walking the resort together, sitting on the dock at night together. Then you, and I put emphasis on you, told me that with your time off you've been driving to Billings to meet him. So if you don't like him or want nothing to do with Malachi, why did you take it that far? I told you already, you hurt him by not returning his calls and texts. Or to make matters worse, making plans with him then never showing up. All I ask, sister, is if you have no interest in him, don't play games. He's way too nice of a guy for that kind of crap. Did he even share about himself at all?"

Taking a minute, I go over all I know about Malachi. Then I glance at her.

"Yeah, he told me he has his own little business and just bought a house, I forget, somewhere in California. His parents don't live too far away and one of his brothers is about forty-five minutes away, while the other lives in—I think he called it like a cabin or guesthouse—on his property."

"That's all you know, Kitty? Really. Time to open your na?ve eyes. Malachi does own his own business but small… nope, not even close. By the time he was, I think Presley told me seventeen, he'd already designed a program for the security of big business and technology. I don't understand that stuff, I use my phone for calls, texts, and social media, mostly to watch TikTok videos. Presley said out of the four of them, Malachi is way above them all. Guess after Raven's drama, Presley talked to Tank, who then introduced Nova to Malachi. They are now working together, don't ask me in what capacity. It sounds like it's going to be prosperous for the both of them, while opening another whole world for Malachi. So don't always believe what you see on the surface or what little people share. Malachi has been burned many times by those he thought he could trust. Guess money does that to people. Again, don't know how much he makes, but Presley has told me his friend has been all over the world for business. He's on the border of genius."

My eyes are popping out of my head with all that Squirt is sharing. I can feel a panic attack trying to start, so I jump up and move quickly to leave the kitchen and hit up a bathroom to try to get back my control. Unfortunately, as I go to shove on the swinging door, it comes back even harder and faster, knocking into me. The force flings me backward into the small sideboard, which in turn has me falling to the floor on my ass. My face is killing me as I put a hand to it, just as Shadow walks through the door and steps over me without missing a beat. When she stops, her hand lands in front of my face.

"Not sure why the fuck you're lying on the fuckin' floor, Kitty, but get up before you get hurt. What happened to the right side of your face, sister? Oh shit, did I hit you with that stupid swinging door. It was an accident, swear to Christ, come on, get up, and sit. I'll grab ya some ice."

I'm being shuffled all over the place, though now my head is starting to hurt, so once on my feet I take a seat at the table. Before I can say a word, a towel with ice is placed in front of me. Squirt goes to grab a dish of food and I sit, reflecting everything she just told me. My hands are trembling and I'm starting to sweat. I can feel my heartbeat going like crazy. Great, just what I need, an anxiety attack right before I share some shit with my sisters.

Shadow takes a seat across from me, staring at me, saying nothing. Now, to be honest, it took me quite a while to be able to look this sister in the eyes. I mean, that skull tattoo on her face freaks me out and has the hair on the back of my neck standing up. It brings a ton of anxiety to the surface and she's been nothing but nice to me. Even when she's in a mood, or after a really hard mission, Shadow has never given me any kind of shit. Maybe that's about to end with the way she's eyeballing me.

"Kitty, how long you been having the attacks? Hey, look at me, do I look like I'm stupid? Been there done that. Do you take anything or meditate? Hey, don't knock it 'til you try it, lil' sister. Between you and me, Dr. Cora has me on some kind of medication to keep my mind from moving too fast or some shit. It helps me focus and doesn't let my mind wander to the past, I guess. It helps and I don't feel high or out of control on it. Been on it since my thing with Dario. At first was against it, but Panther told me I needed to get some kind of help. Dr. Cora monitors me every couple of months. I've noticed I sleep better and my moods don't swing as much. Hey, I saw that slight roll of your eyes, Kitty. Not cool, since I've been nothing but nice to you."

Dang it, I start to feel really bad when our badass, mean-as-fuck enforcer smiles at me, which is scary as hell. When she tentatively reaches across the table and squeezes my hand, I gasp. Shadow is not known for physical or emotional connections.

"Kitty, go talk to one of the doctors, or better yet talk to the psychologist at the sanctuary. It will help, promise. Something has been bothering you for a while and whatever you're doing isn't working."

Leaning in so not everybody in the kitchen can hear me, I whisper back at her, "Shadow, I did go see Dr. Malcolm. Wildcat told me I could trust him and she was right. He's nice and gave me some things to try. I like that he didn't put me on medicine but did have me pick up some natural things. Also, I'm going to reach out to Taz and see if she knows of anything that might help. I'm tired of feeling like this all the time. Sorry I didn't share when I first came into the Devil's Handmaidens. That was wrong, Wildcat finally made me see it."

"Sister, you might not have spelled it out, but you're dealing with women who have all had some kind of abuse or violence in their lives. We recognize it in others, but we also know everyone has to face their demons or issues on their timeframe. I'm always around if you need anything, though if you tell anyone I said this, it won't be pretty for you."

"Damn it, Zoey, quit threatening the prospects; it's hard enough to find good ones. Kitty, just ignore crabby pants here, she's not been able to torture or kill anyone in a while. Though damn, can't believe I just said that. Shit, Zoey, you're rubbing off on me and not in a good way. Moving on, Kitty, you wanted to share some stuff when we got together, right? Not sure every sister will be able to make it, but we can pass the word, whatever it is. I'm going to grab some coffee. Let me get my couple of things out there, then you can have the floor."

Our prez walks away as Shadow raises her eyebrows at me, which again frightens me. That tattoo is so real-looking, sometimes I have to look over her shoulder, even though it looks like my eyes are on her. Shaking my head, I stand to grab some food before I share with my club sisters about my anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. With Malachi coming, not sure how I'm going to act and don't want to shock the women I've come to love and respect.

When I get back to the table, Squirt pats the bench next to her so I sit down and dig in. Kiwi really knows her stuff in the kitchen, damn, this is really tasty. I've got some potato casserole, scrambled eggs, French toast, bacon, and sausage. Also managed to find room for some fruit salad she made. I could get used to this every morning.

Once Tink is settled, she starts to share some items with those of us here. She wanted to let us know the club donated to the local humane society in Taz, Enforcer, and Teddy's fur baby, Tuna's name. Knowing none of us donated tells me Tink did it on her own. Even though she inherited a shit ton of money from her grandma, it hits me deep in my heart how generous she always is. She also informs us that per Taz, Teddy is getting better. The loss of his dog hit him hard, but not like it would other folks. Being autistic, he doesn't have the same skills to deal with such a loss. Taz and Enforcer have been doing Zoom calls with the therapist in Billings to try and give him some tools. Taz also told Tink, who shared with us, that Avalanche has been a huge help with Teddy. Being Native American, he explained to the little boy the circle of life and how in his culture, even though someone dies, they don't totally leave as long as you keep them in your heart and memories.

When Tink takes a minute, we all look at her. She's watching Shadow, who stands and walks to her side, pulling a chair next to her. When our enforcer pats her shoulder, Tink nods then looks around the room.

"I'm sure you are all aware that Noodles and I are actively trying to get pregnant. Unfortunately, I've not drank the same water as Taz and Vixen have. I mean, Taz already has had Mickie and Vixen is going to pop any minute, I means, she's past her due date. I'm getting off subject. Noodles and I are going to start IVF soon and wanted to inform you so when I become a sobbing mess, y'all will know why."

Everyone looks at each other until Rebel clears her throat.

"Prez, you got this. Ain't no one stronger than you are. I know you and Noodles are gonna make awesome fucking parents. Don't give up hope, we're all behind you one-hundred-percent."

Those few words send our prez into tears, but she holds herself up, as usual. Tiny and mighty for sure. She glances my way and nods.

I stand to grab everyone's attention.

"Nothing as important as what Tink just shared and way past due, but I've been holding something from you and it's time to share. Since I can remember I've dealt with moderate anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. Sorry, I didn't share and have kept it secret. I was embarrassed. One day at the Wooden Spirits, Wildcat caught me losing it and talked to me a few times. She made me see it's nothing to be afraid to share, so since then I made an appointment with Dr. Malcolm, who's giving me some tools and advice. I go back in a couple of weeks, but he also explained why I needed to tell all of you, not only for myself but for each of you. With what we do, can't take any chances. I'm not in the front line in our breaking up of trafficking circuits, but if I was to lose it during a mission, that would not be cool. So maybe this might explain why I'm such an introvert. Because the thought of not having control and maybe going off the deep end, I could put victims in more danger. So that's why I wanted to share today. Thanks!"

I sit back down just as Heartbreaker comes up behind me, waiting a second so I see her then hugs me from behind.

"Gotcha, little sister. Here if you need anything."

Then each and every sister comes up to me, either hugging me, giving me a knuckle bump, or just a squeeze on the shoulder. Finally, it's just Tink, Shadow, Glory, and Squirt. Our VP looks over to me and grins.

"Never been prouder of you, Kitty. You've got this and if not, we'll all help. Life is always changing and it's sometimes hard for us to keep up. That's why we need family around."

As we sit around just chatting, it dawns on me how lucky I am to be here. For the first time in my life, I'm not running alone because I have my sisters at my back.