Chapter 25

CHAPTER 25

SPARROW

Xavi falls onto my couch then hands me a bowl of ice cream. He licks his spoon as he says, “Just so it’s clear, I’m not leaving until you spill what’s had you so preoccupied for the past week.”

I glance at him as he gets comfortable. He doesn’t exaggerate when he makes that kind of claim.

“Fine. Dak wants to be my boyfriend, but I’m not sure I’m there.”

He stops licking his spoon and looks at me. “That was easier to get from you than I expected.”

“Now you can go.”

Xavi rolls his eyes and turns back to his ice cream. “No. Now we can talk about it. You don’t like him?”

“I like him a lot.”

“You just don’t want to commit to him.”

“I’ve already committed to him.”

“You’re going to make me pull teeth this entire conversation, aren’t you?”

“I am. Next prying question.”

The deadpan look he gives me makes me laugh. “Yes, I like him. A lot. I can totally see us together in five years. Ten years. I can see myself spending a lot of time with him and not getting bored— which has always been a concern that I’ve never paid much attention to until recently. I am there.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

“That’s a good question. It could be a lot of things. He’s still young. I’m the first and only guy he’s been with. He still has a year of school and I’m done in a few weeks.” I shrug.

“In order—you’re not ninety. You’re still very young too. I’m not sure what him only being with you has to do with anything. Enfield has only ever been with me as far as his experience with men goes. He has no desire for another man. While we don’t call it a ‘gay for you’ relationship because that kind of invalidates bisexuality to a lot of people, in a very real way, he is only gay for me. We spend a lot of time checking out guys just to see if I can find another that he’s interested in. But anyway… where was I?”

“Let’s stop there. One thing at a time because I’m going to argue each of those. Not to argue, but because maybe if you clarify the points my head is caught up on, then I can move past it,” I say.

“Okay. What’s your issue with his age?”

“He’ll be twenty-one soon. Party years.”

“Neither of us partied when we turned twenty-one. That’s really stereotyping and just a fucking random excuse. Is he a partier?”

“I’m inclined to say no since I’ve never heard him mention one nor go to one since I’ve known him.”

“Then that is a bullshit reason we’re discarding. Next.”

I grin. God, I adore Xavi. “He’s still so young, Xavi. How does he know he’s even ready for this?”

“First of all, he asked to be your boyfriend, right? Not to be literally sewn to your body for the rest of time.”

Laughing, I shake my head and focus on my ice cream for a minute.

“You get hung up on age a lot,” Xavi says. “I think you need to stop dumping people into the same stereotype of what a twenty-year-old is and recognize that he’s an individual. Yes, he’s young, but if he’s telling you he’s interested in committing to you further, then I think you should take him at face value and not try to push your opinions of how twenty-year-olds act on him.”

“Ouch,” I mutter .

“We can take his age off your list of concerns. You want to move into his sexuality now?”

I can already tell by his tone that he’s going to rip me apart. “Go ahead.”

“You’re being shitty to use that as a reason against him. From what you’ve told me about him in the past, he’s always been solely interested in you, as far as Rumor and sex with a man is concerned. Not to compare again, but this sounds a lot like Enfield. I’m not going to debate the whole ‘gay for you’ versus bisexuality argument—I can see it both ways and I think the bottom line is it’s up to that individual person to decide which label fits them and not for the rest of the world to impose one on them based on how the rest of the world feels. However, Enfield will be the first to tell you that he simply is not interested in any other men. I’m it. Just me. He’s happy with that. He’s not curious about other men. There aren’t any questions or ‘what ifs’ or anything else. Why is it so impossible for you to accept that you’re the only man for Dak?”

I sigh heavily. “I don’t know.”

“You understand that’s just as shitty coming from within our community as it is coming from outside it, right? You judging him based on your own opinions regarding what a newly awakened, possible bisexual but maybe only bisexual for you is just as shitty as a homophobic straight person shoving their judgments down our throats. Actually, you know what? It’s worse.”

“I’m not your biggest fan right now.”

He grins. “I’m taking Dak’s sexuality off the table. What was the third ridiculous argument you had?”

“I regret remembering, but he still has a year of school and I graduate in a few weeks.”

The look Xavi gives me makes me laugh. “That’s your weakest argument of them all, River Madison. Are you fucking kidding me right now with this?”

I wince when he uses my given name.

“Seriously. What the shit?”

Groaning, I let my head fall back.

“Just so we’re clear on this point, I’m going to tell you why you’re going to remove it from your list of excuses. One—this is your third fucking degree. You’re here for fun. Not so you have a stepping stone to start your damn life. Two—let’s not pretend that you need to be anywhere after graduation. If you want to stay here, you can. Three—don’t even contemplate suggesting you’re low on money. I have a giant house you can live in if you’re even going to think about playing that card. I also have a good idea about the size of your bank account. Do you need me to list reasons four through seven as to why this is a shitty excuse?”

“No,” I say, sticking a spoonful of ice cream into my mouth.

“Next?”

I shake my head. “I’m afraid.”

Xavi doesn’t answer. I think I’ve taken him off guard with that. Eventually, he asks, “Afraid of what?” I’m glad his voice has softened, at least.

“That I’m going to allow myself to fall in love with him and we’re not going to work. For whatever reason—one I’ve listed and you’ve already shredded or something else.”

“Not that I want to be a wet towel, but you understand nothing is a guarantee, right? I get that you met right now, at this point in your life, but you could have very well met ten or thirty years down the road and your likelihood of success or failure is just as uncertain as it is today.”

“That’s comforting,” I deadpan.

Xavi takes my bowl and sets both of ours on the table. He leans into me, wrapping me awkwardly in his arms. “You never stop being scared,” he admits quietly. I scowl where he can’t see it. “I’m still scared that Enfield is going to change his mind. I’m scared that one day he’s going to bring up literally any one of your arguments as to why we need to divorce. Not because he’s given me a reason to think that but because life is always filled with uncertainty, Sparrow. It doesn’t mean you should sit in a bubble to ensure you never get hurt.”

“I like my bubble,” I mutter.

“I like your bubble too. But I think you’re going to like taking a chance on Dak more. I think you’re going to love being in love and building a life with him.”

“I barely know him,” I argue weakly.

“We barely knew each other for a long time when we first met; but you know what? Somehow, we got to know each other and became best friends. Every single relationship begins with barely knowing the other person. So that’s also a dumb excuse.”

“You’re being very mean today.”

“Yes, but that’s because I know you. Sometimes you need to be slapped around so you listen to reason. I’m glad you’re scared, Sparrow. That means you’re serious about him. You’re human. You’ve spent so many years separated from your peers and those around you because you’ve always been on a very different intellectual level. You’re used to keeping a distance between you and now that someone has somehow snuck beyond all your walls, you’re afraid of letting yourself be vulnerable.”

I nod. He’s not wrong.

“I’m being mean because I love you,” Xavi says, squeezing me tightly. I grin. “I knew the second time I heard this guy’s name he was something new. Something special.”

“Why?”

“Because you’ve never said someone’s name twice to me. The only people you’ve allowed inside your walls are me and your family. I’d be more concerned if you weren’t afraid of what that change means for you.”

“I don’t want to fuck up,” I admit. “I have nothing to base this on. No starting point. No point of reference.”

“Lies!” Xavi exclaims dramatically, making me snort. “You have a very large family, Sparrow. Not just your parents, but your entire extended family. And I gotta say, they’ve always been my point of reference for what a relationship should look like. The fucking love in your neighborhood is anyone’s secret dream. That’s what everyone longs for. If I had to take a guess, you’re actually afraid for a different reason than what you’re claiming. You may have no personal experience in a relationship, but your parents, man. They’re fucking goals. They are a lesson in love for the entire world—a love that looks beyond social norms, gender, sexuality, and expectations. A love that endures and blossoms for the entire world to witness. What you’re really afraid of is not having that.”

“I don’t know who you are today,” I mutter with a heavy sigh. “So insightful and mean and reasonable.”

Xavi kisses my head and lets me go. I sit up just as I hear the key in my door. A second later, Nemy walks in with a big smile. This man is always smiling.

“Hey,” he says. “We made a lot of cookies so I’m sharing the calories. I need to keep my figure, so you have to help me eat them.” He sets the large container on the coffee table next to our discarded ice cream bowls. “It’s important to remain a twink for as long as I can. My image is my fortune and all that.”

Xavi shakes his head but leans forward to grab the container.

“Why did you make all the cookies?” I ask as Nemy climbs onto the couch and wraps his arms around me. Just like he used to when we were kids. I kiss the top of his head.

“I don’t know. Someone was making cookies then they got it in their heads that they were going to break some record of making the most cookies. Like twenty-four hours later, someone actually looked up the record and they abandoned the idea, but now we have all these damn cookies. Honestly, I need to smell some steak cooking. The scent of sugar is making me sick.”

“You can stay with your porn star for a break,” Xavi suggests.

“He’s traveling right now. It’s pre-Pride month travel or something. I didn’t know that was a thing.”

I chuckle as I grab a cookie. As I’m taking a bite, there’s a knock at my door. My stomach jumps because there’s literally only one other person who ever comes over.

Disentangling myself from Nemy, I get to my feet. Opening the door, I’m definitely not surprised to find Dak. For a few seconds, I stare at him and think about everything Xavi’s said over the last hour. All those doubts and fears… they begin to slip away as I look at this man.

Pulling him close, I offer him a bite of cookie. Amused, Dak takes a bite and I stick the rest of it into my mouth before pressing my lips to his.

“When did you make cookies?” he asks.

“I didn’t.” With another kiss, I pull him inside. Because I’m still holding him close, I feel the way his feet drag once he sees the two men on my couch. Both are looking at him with grins.

“This is Xavi and Nemy. My boyfriend, Dak.”

Dak’s breath catches and his attention turns to me. Eyes wide, with big questions screaming at me in his silent stare .

I lean my forehead against his and close my eyes. Yes, I definitely want this man.

“Boyfriend?!” Nemy exclaims. “Clearly, I’ve missed something. Why are you keeping things from me, Sparrow?”

“It’s a new development,” Xavi says.

Although I know Dak can hear them clearly, I don’t think he hears them at all. “Really?” he asks, voice quiet.

I nod. “I’m sorry I’ve dragged it out. I should have told you yes when you brought it up.”

“Why?”

“Because my reasons have been proven to be nothing but my own fear of the unknown. I’m sorry for hurting you. I won’t ever do it again.”

Dak’s smile is beautiful. His eyes are glassy as he tries to blink away his emotions, so I wrap him in my arms and hug him tightly. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “Really. I want this. I want you. I’ll never let you be unsure of that again.”

His arms are so tight around me as he squeezes me.

“I think I must have missed a lot,” Nemy loud whispers. “I didn’t know Sparrow knew how to hurt someone.”

Xavi snorts. “You live under a rock, Nem.”

“Not true. I’m just… busy.”

Sighing, knowing these men aren’t going anywhere, I step back but give my boyfriend a kiss first. “They’re not going anywhere for a while. Might as well get comfortable.”

“It’s true,” Nemy says. “I haven’t seen Sparrow in ages and obviously I need to catch up. I can’t believe I get to meet your first boyfriend.” He rocks forward all giddy and filled with smiles. “I just realized I had my first boyfriend before you did!”

“How’s your place look?” I ask Dak.

Dak grins. “Stephen was there when I left, so literally any place else is better than there. Sorry.”

I sigh dramatically.

“Who’s Stephen and why don’t we like him?” Xavi asks, choosing another cookie from the container.

“That’s a story I’m very happy to repeat,” I say, taking Dak’s hand and pulling him to the couch.