Chapter 22

CHAPTER 22

MADDOX

" W hy the fuck did you kiss him?"

I could ask myself that question over and over, and I wasn't sure if I'd ever get an answer. What was wrong with me? Where did I even start? I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror and I had no idea who was looking back at me. My face was red and splotchy, and my lips were swollen. But what shocked me most was the softened expression in my eyes. I bent over the sink, my arms shaking, hell, my entire body was trembling. I thought I was going to pass out.

From the aftershock of that monster orgasm, or the reality that I'd kissed someone for the first time? Not someone. Kayden.

And not just kissed, had sex. I didn't even know what I was doing. I acted on instinct and I just…did it. Jerking us off together was hot as hell. Hotter than any fantasy I'd ever imagined.

Instead of splashing water on my face, I turned around and turned on the shower. I needed to scrub down and forget tonight ever happened. It was a mistake. A fucking powerful, world-imploding mistake. One I wasn't going to repeat.

You're an asshole.

No shit. Not just kissing Kayden, but after. Telling him to go, leaving him there. But it had to be done. I wasn't ready to process what had happened, never mind talk about it. I'd been so sure, so consistent in my efforts to keep people away, convinced that I'd never be like anyone else. I was damaged, a freak, unable to make any kind of connection.

Until now. Until him.

No.

I stood under the spray of the water and watched as the drying cum—mine and Kayden's—washed away. Why did that leave me with an ache in my chest? Was that regret? No. How could I be remorseful about something that felt so good?

It's just sex. Hormones. Totally normal. I guess I wasn't so different from everyone else as I'd imagined. But still, that's where it ended. We got off, and he was gone. End of.

Don't think about it.

Easier said than done. This must be why people hook up with strangers. Once it was over, it was over. Not for me. I had to see Kayden in class, on the ice, in the locker room, in the shower room. Don't even think about him naked in that shower again…ugh, too late.

And now, I'd never be able to sit in my fucking chair or work in my room without thinking about the way we went at each other. Like animals, unrestrained, uninhibited. The primal part of me wasn't dead, it was dormant. Not anymore. But, it was risky. Obliterating any remaining rules I had—and I didn't have many.

How was I gonna face Kayden? What would I say?

I'd act like nothing had happened. Be my usual self, and things would be fine. Besides, he was straight. Okay, more than likely bi. Whatever. It didn't matter. I didn't mean anything more to him than he meant to me. A quick orgasm and it was done. It was college. We were supposed to explore and experiment.

Odd thing was, I could only picture experimenting with him.

When I woke up the next day, my phone was silent. No text or call from Kayden. I was so fucking relieved. This was what I wanted. It was no big deal.

Two days later, same thing. I saw Kayden in economics class. He waved, but sat on the other side of the room. Cool. I got to listen to the lecture without interruption. Not that I was paying much attention, but still.

A week passed. Still nothing. Until I texted him about our economics study session. I didn't want to reach out, but if he needed help, I wasn't going to turn him away.

Kayden's response?

Kayden: Not this week. I'm good.

Good. Fine. His regular tutor probably had it covered. We had midterms. I wondered how his studying was going. Not that I was thinking about Kayden.

Just, you know, every day…

Two weeks later, Thanksgiving had come and gone, and still no word from Kayden.

I became more agitated with each passing day. I should've been happy. I'd had weeks to myself. It was peaceful, quiet. No one to bothered me about friendship bracelets, or what kind of music I listened to, or teased me about my scowl. Who needed that shit, anyway? Not me. The only time I saw Kayden was in class, or at practice. He kept his distance and so did I. There was a word or two exchanged, but that was it. And this was Kayden? A word or two wasn't his usual. Whatever. It wasn't my problem anymore.

By the time early December hit, we'd gotten our midterm results back. I aced all my exams, including economics. Then I wondered how Kayden did. Which wasn't like me. Why did I give a fuck? I shouldn't. I didn't. Still, I didn't want him to fail or anything. He was probably fine. Or was he?

Before I knew it, my hands were typing out a message.

Maddox: How'd midterms go?

I headed off to the gym for a workout. An hour later, sweaty but still wired, I checked my phone. No reply. I walked back to the dorm, but I couldn't concentrate on any of my projects.

Next thing I knew, I was stomping up to the third floor. I passed Jackson in the hallway, and he stopped short when he noticed me.

"Maddox, hey, how are you?" he asked. "It's been a while."

"Um, I'm okay. I'm looking for Kayden," I said quietly. "Is he around?"

"He's in his room," Jackson replied, raising one eyebrow. "But maybe hold off on the snark. I think he's had a bad day. In fact, he's been quiet the past couple of weeks."

Shit.

"I want to know how he did on the econ test."

"Aren't you in the same class?"

"Yeah," I muttered.

"Then why didn't you ask him when you saw him?"

"We didn't talk to each other. Not today. And not for the past few weeks."

My face heated, and I bit my lower lip in frustration.

Jackson paused and stared at me. "You guys were getting along the night of that party. What happened?"

"Nothing happened," I snapped. Nothing and everything. "And we weren't getting along."

Unless shoving my tongue down Kayden's throat and stroking him off, counted.

"Okay." Jackson held his hands up. "I'm just making an observation. You left the party, and Kayden followed you home. I thought that maybe?—"

"Maybe what?" I bit out and stared at him.

Jackson paused, but his eyes told me he had more to say. Had Kayden told him about the kiss? The hand job?

"I thought you guys were friends," Jackson added.

"We're not. I mean, sort of," I paused, searching for words that took forever to say. "Look, I really need to talk to him."

Then I glanced around. I didn't know which room was his. Fuck, I was an idiot.

"Kayden's room is 333," Jackson smirked.

"Thanks."

Jackson nodded. "Well, I have to get to class. See you around."

I nodded and walked down the hallway, searching for Kayden's room. When I found it, I knocked once and waited. Sweat pooled in my pits, my lower back, the base of my neck. Fuck, even my hands were clammy. I swiped a hand through my hair and shifted from one foot to the other, waiting, my nerves riding high.

But when Kayden finally opened the door, nerves gave way to concern. His bright golden eyes were red-rimmed. Bloodshot. There were dark circles underneath, too. And his smile was nowhere to be seen. He looked how I felt.

"What's wrong?" I blurted out.

"I got sixty on my econ midterm. And I got sixty-five on my social policy one. That's what's wrong. I'm fucked. If I don't get at least eighty-five on these finals, I can say goodbye to my scholarship, and that means goodbye to hockey, and?—"

Kayden started to hyperventilate, and I stepped into the room, closing the door quickly.

"Sit down. Head between your knees."

"Why don't you j-just l-leave," he gasped. "I don't want you here."

He went so pale, so fast, I thought he was going to pass out.

"Sit down, Kay. Now."

Kayden sat down on his bed, and I headed for the bathroom.

He needed water, and maybe a towel to breathe into? That would do since there wasn't a paper bag around. I grabbed the glass that was sitting on the edge of the sink, filled it up, and plucked a hand towel from the rack.

When I returned to his bedroom, I found him sitting in the same position, elbows on his thighs, head in his hands. I crouched down in front of him and offered the glass, but he shook his head. He was breathing in and out so fast and I was mirroring him, my chest tight as hell.

"Take a sip. Slowly," I encouraged. "And you're not going to lose your scholarship. Or hockey. I'm going to help you. Okay?"

"Why are you being nice?" he choked out. "And why are you still here? Shouldn't you be leaving? Isn't that what you want? To get away from me?"

"Stay calm, Kay. Take a long, deep breath. In through your nose, out through your?—"

"I'm not that stupid, Mad! I know how to fucking breathe!" he snapped.

I jolted, lost my balance, and fell on my ass. Thankfully, I didn't have far to go. The glass of water, on the other hand, spilled everywhere. At least I had the towel to mop it up.

I sat there, drenched, and started wiping up. Kayden bit his lower lip, then laughter filled the room.

"I'm sorry," he chuckled as he stared at me. "I shouldn't laugh. But between falling on your ass like that, and your expression, it's too freaking funny."

I gave him my best finger and was tempted to throw the wet towel at him. "I was going to suggest you put the towel over your mouth to calm your breathing, but since it's wet and you already know how to breathe, I'll shut up."

"Thanks," Kayden whispered, smiling at me.

I was so goddamn relieved. Thank fuck sweet Kay was back.

There was only room for one snarky asshole on our team, and I was not relinquishing my title.