Chapter 17

CHAPTER 17

KAYDEN

THE NEXT DAY. FIRST WEEK OF NOVEMBER

D ane and I walked to the rink together, game day nerves riding high, as well as our expectations. Students were filing into the venue along with us. The anticipation of playing for a home crowd pumped my adrenaline fast and wicked hot.

"Is Jackson on his way?" I asked him.

Dane chuckled. "He's already here. He wanted to get the best seat."

"How're things going with you two? I mean, you look happy as fuck."

Dane's wide grin said it all. "We are. I'm starting to feel like I'm ready to tell more people, but I've still got concerns. You and Jace support me, but what about the rest of the guys? And what does it mean for my future in hockey? There are a lot of unknowns."

I thought about my own recent revelation that I might not be straight, so I couldn't blame Dane at all. There were a ton of what-ifs. Every new question brought about more of the same.

"What about you?" Dane whispered. "Any more thoughts on, you know, what we talked about the other day?"

I bit my lower lip and looked around. If only Dane knew. After parting ways with Maddox, I'd raced back to my dorm, determined to jerk my intense feelings away. Only, it was the night before a game, so I took a cold shower instead. Gotta save the energy for the ice.

"I can't stop thinking about…that person. Or staring at them. Or wondering what it would be like to, you know, be with them. Not just kiss them, but more. A lot more. I mean, what the hell is this? A stupid crush?"

"So, you think you might be?—"

"Bi? I really don't know," I sighed. "I'm saying that a lot lately."

"I'm all for exploration, but be careful. He's a teammate. That's asking for a shitload of trouble."

"It's pointless to talk about it. Why would he even look at me that way?" I scoffed. "He's gorgeous and smart."

"Hey, you are too."

"Come on, Dane."

"I mean it. Don't talk yourself down. Anyone would be lucky to be with you."

Dane gave my shoulder a reassuring pat.

"Thanks, bud."

We were the last players to arrive on-site, which surprised me. I looked around for my study buddy and spotted Maddox getting his gear on, head down, ear pods in, ignoring everyone as usual. Silas was next to him. Same damn thing. I was about to go over and talk to them when I glanced at my stall and noticed a black drawstring bag sitting in front of it. A bag I didn't recognize, but one that had my name on it.

"What's this?" I asked, pointing at the bag and looking around. "Who put this here?"

My teammates shrugged and shook their heads.

"No idea," Jace called out. "The bag was here when we arrived. We figured you were expecting it."

"Nope."

"Is there a tag on it?" Dane asked.

"Yeah, just my name."

Picking up the bag, I wondered why it felt like a sack of peas but lighter. I slowly untied it and looked inside. When I realized what it was, I couldn't contain my laughter.

"What?" Dane asked me as teammates crowded around me to look. "What is it? What's so funny?"

"This is awesome," I snickered as I pulled out a massive bag of beads. "It's a kit to make bracelets. Did you do this?"

Dane looked as surprised as I did. Either he had a great poker face or he was in the dark like me. "Nope. Jace?"

"Not me," Jace replied.

"Ethan?" I asked.

"I got better things to do than buy you beads, Kay."

"Well, someone from our team bought this," I added. "I mentioned making the bracelets when we were having dinner in Rochester. Fess up, now, come on! Who did this?"

No one volunteered an answer.

"Okay then. Play it that way, that's cool," I quipped and looked around. "Thank you to whoever bought this! Bracelets for everyone next practice!"

"Are you taking orders?" Finn asked.

"Fuck yes," I exclaimed. "Whatever message you want, colors, let me know."

"Team colors only," Finn insisted.

"Can I get six?" Jace asked. Typical superstitious hockey player, he wanted the number of bracelets to match his jersey. "Or twelve. Six for each arm. I like to stack ‘em."

"Sure, I?—"

"Enough already," Axel interrupted and got up in Jace's face. "In case you forgot, princess, we've got a game to play."

"In case you forgot, your hockey stick should remain in your hands, not up your ass," Jace bit back, offering Axel two fingers in response.

Then Jace turned to me and smiled. "Six and six."

"You got it," I chuckled.

I was so fucking stoked. Maybe a few of the guys thought it was ridiculous, but I loved the idea of making bracelets for the team. It was fun. Something that everyone needed. A bit of lightness to ease the pressure we were under.

Glancing across the room, I noticed that Maddox was almost done suiting up. But it seemed like he hadn't even noticed the conversation going on around him. Since no one needed fun more than our grumpy-ass goalie, he'd be the first person to get a bracelet.

I placed the bag on the shelf in my stall, which was smelling ripe AF, and pulled out my equipment. The ritual of getting geared up was always comforting to me, priming me for the game. I put things on in the same order and when I was done, plunked down on the bench to put on my skates.

Jace ambled over and sat down beside me.

"So," he whispered as he nudged me. "Who do you think bought you the kit?"

"It's gotta be Dane," I insisted. "Remember last season and the T-shirt he gave me for my birthday? The one he made me wear to that freshmen party?"

"Oh yeah. The one that said ‘ Kiss me, I'm Irish. No wait, I'm a hockey player. Even better .'?"

"Exactly. He loves funny shit like that. It's gotta be him."

"Did it work?" Jace asked.

"Did what work?"

Jace rolled his eyes. "The T-shirt. Did you get kissed?"

"I did, once. But she gave me a peck on the mouth. Followed by a friendly, ‘ Hey Kayden, cute shirt .' No tongue," I sighed. "Just my fucking luck."

"Maybe tonight your luck will change? I hear the party's going to be massive."

There was only one set of lips I was thinking about. Not that I'd ever get the chance to kiss Maddox—or that I should want to. Maybe Jace was right. There were plenty of hot women on campus and I'm sure there would be plenty at the party tonight. I needed to get out of this weird headspace when it came to my feelings for Maddox.

"Looking forward to it."

Jace nodded and stood up. I finished lacing up and followed him and the rest of my teammates as we lined up in the gallery.

I looked over my shoulder and spotted Maddox at the back of the line. When his gaze hit mine, I quickly looked away. I paced in place, shifting from one foot to the other, keeping warm, listening to the boom of music that filtered through the rink. Then the reverberation of the crowd chanting, "Cougars! Cougars! Cougars!"

When we finally got called out to the ice, the game was the only thing I was thinking about. Maddox was only a teammate.

Out here, there was no room for distractions. The only thing I wanted was to win.

Maddox

Yes, it was me. I'd bought Kayden that fucking bracelet making kit. I'd ordered it along with the journal I gave him. But I kept the kit under my bed until today, second guessing myself.

Why had I done it? That part, I was still figuring out.

But there was no way in hell I'd ever admit it. And no one would ever find out. If they did, I'd never hear the end of it. I could only imagine the razzing from my teammates. Not that I gave a shit what they thought of me, but still. It was none of their fucking business.

I'd been careful to arrive extra early, hiding the kit in my backpack, and then dropping it quickly in front of Kayden's stall before anyone could see me.

Then when Kayden arrived, I had a sudden moment of panic. What if he was embarrassed by the gift and everyone on the team started making fun of him? Fuck, I didn't intend for that. Not after what he told me about being bullied. Thankfully, my worries were laid to rest. I was so relieved to see him laughing when he opened the gift, proudly telling everyone what it was. I had my ear pods in, so it looked like I was listening to music. But I wasn't.

And I had to give him props. Kayden didn't temper his enthusiasm for anyone.

Maybe that's why I bristled so hard when he came at me with that sunny aura of his. His attitude reminded me of things I'd lost, of feelings that were out of reach. It also got me thinking about my mom, who was, in fact, very similar in nature to Kayden. Thinking about her was always bittersweet—there were memories I clung to when I had nothing else, and lonely wishes that she was still here for me to talk to.

I swear, sometimes the skin of my shoulders grew hot, like she was holding me, healing me, telling me everything was gonna be okay.

"Rocher! Moss!" Coach yelled. "Let's go!"

Time to get my head in the game. Now wasn't the time to think about personal shit. It was time for the left side of my brain to get fucking moving.

When I shuffled into the hallway, I was hit by the blast of roaring students.

"Cougars! Cougars! Cougars!"

Mask on and lined up, I was ready to go.

Coach waved us on, and we took to the ice for our pregame warmup. I expected a big turnout for our home game, but nothing prepared me for the sight and sound of this college crowd. It was heady, energizing, and terrifying all at the same time.

I glanced over at the box and spotted Sean sitting beside Axel, Finn, and the rest of the guys. I wondered how Sean was dealing with being the backup. He'd had surgery on his achilles tendon near the end of last season. He'd recuperated well enough, but Coach kept putting me in net. I'm sure Sean was frustrated as hell. Watching and waiting when all you wanted to do was play was the worse.

Kayden and Silas were on the first line, along with Dane, Jace, and Ethan. Kayden skated in my direction, and I braced myself for whatever he was about to say to me, willing him to go away. Fucking up my concentration was the last thing I needed right now.

But he surprised me. Kayden tapped the bar twice and skated back to his position. Then, there was no time for me to think about other players, or silly gifts, or a defenseman who was taking up way too much of my headspace.

Out here, there was only me facing off against that puck.