CHAPTER NINE

O ne day earlier

Finn

Vegas shimmers in its usual dazzling way as the bus crawls to the arena. The sun hits the glossy hotels on the strip, and the fountains sparkle under the bright sun. I'm fucking relieved to be out of Boston, and I fucking love that city.

But God, I needed a change. My apartment felt heavy with the mistakes I made at the party.

Noah is slumped in his seat, his face pale, his freckles standing out, and I force my gaze away. I shouldn't be thinking about Noah. I should have been inviting Madison over on my first quiet night in a while and moved from flirtation to base development.

I didn't even make a vlog last night.

The bright casino lights are garish, and my mother shudders when I say I'm going here. Vegas and its big fake sphinx and big fake Eiffel Tower and big fake Venetian canals are everything my refined mother abhors. The last vacation she and my dad took was to the Azores... small enough for few people to find it, and so unvisited that most people just blink at her confused when she mentions the archipelago.

The bus finally stops at the arena, and we pile out. Everyone still avoids Noah, who takes a bench in the far corner. He strips off his shirt, and his muscles glint under the locker room lights. Approaching the glowering man seems absurd .

I don't care. I topple beside him, even though there's room beside Troy and Luke.

"Hey." I keep my voice soft.

"You don't have to sit beside me."

"Are you tossing me out, Fitzpatrick?" I tease.

Well, I intended to tease. Instead, his forehead wrinkles, as if he's considering it.

I sigh. "You can't deprive me of this view."

His eyes widen, and heat blazes over the back of my neck, prickling it. That was a weird thing to say.

"I mean, this view away from the others," I say, not sure if I improved my statement.

"You feeling misanthropic, Carrington?"

I give a relieved sigh. "Maybe." I tear off my shirt, and his gaze jerks to the floor. "I'm, um, sorry about the other night."

"It was my fault," he says. "I don't party that much. I didn't notice anything off. Maybe there wasn't."

"You have too much faith in my cocktail making abilities."

"I like your smoothies."

"But you haven't—" I grin, remembering last night. "I forgot. You're a super fan."

His face flames. "Did I tell you that?"

My stomach thuds. He doesn't remember that. He was super drunk.

"I think you're going to play great tonight," I say instead.

He tenses, and I hope he doesn't believe in hockey jinxes.

"You were called to join us for a reason," I remind him. "And it really is all about mindset."

"I don't know... "

I remove my phone, then scroll for my favorite affirmation soundtrack. I pop one of my earbuds out and hand it to him. His eyes widen.

"Put it in," I say. "This is what I listen to."

He slides it in slowly. "My second-grade teacher wouldn't approve of sharing earbuds."

"I'll keep your secret safe, Fitzpatrick."

He gives a strangled laugh, and I beam.

A few people glance at us, and his shoulders do that cowering thing. I nudge him, and heat brands my shoulder where our skin meets.

"This works," I promise him.

"You do this?"

"It's my soundtrack," I say.

He grins and is quiet. The affirmations wash over us, and I remove the rest of my clothes and change into hockey clothes.

It's not completely true. I listen to affirmations sometimes, but mostly I spend the pre-game time joking around with Troy and Luke and Axel.

Still, I think this is what he needs, and I'm happy to sit beside him and listen to affirmations.

His cologne wafts over me. I don't recognize the scent, but maybe it's not from Saks Fifth Avenue, where I normally buy my cologne. I inhale, then realize it might be a cotton and sweat and soap smell that's all his own.

I smile, and when we're called to the tunnel, I feel lighter.

NOAH

I gave Finn back his earbud when we left the locker room, but the affirmations still ring in my mind. I repeat them to myself as we totter through the tunnel, and even as the introducer announces us to the Vegas audience. Then the applause, polite and muted, fills me. I allow myself to take in the lights, take in the crowd, feel the energy swirl around me.

Maybe I will go back to Providence, though I don't allow my mind to linger on that thought. But I am here now, and that's fucking great. I glance in Finn's direction, and his eyes catch mine, as if he were also looking for me.

He's standing in the middle of the ice. People are here to see him. He's one of the Blizzards' top players, right there with Evan and Vinnie and Isaiah and Dmitri.

Something swells through my body, something like joy. The sensation spreads through my body, continuing as some petite singer belts out the national anthem.

I'm here.

The first line plays better than last game, and Dmitri scores, getting an assist from Finn. The joy bubbles up within me again, frothy and unstoppable, and I grin.

Finally, it's time for me to take the ice. My body takes over. The people I'm playing with are different from normal, but it doesn't matter, not really. I've played with different teams in my life.

The game is a success. We win, and I don't fall. I even get the puck from Vegas once, successfully wrestling it away with my hockey stick, and passing it.

Happiness flits through me .

It's not my greatest performance, but I'll take it. One OKish game in the NHL wasn't my dream, but it was more than I could have hoped for.

I glide into the locker room, as the team hollers and celebrates. The room fills with men. We strip off our sweaty clothes, smiles pasted on our faces. Plans to celebrate in Vegas bubble around me.

Then Evan stands before me.

"Good job," Evan says, fist bumping me.

It seems ridiculous for him to thank me, because I didn't do that much, but I smile, and he smiles back.

In the next moment, Vinnie pulls Evan away and wraps his arms around Evan's waist. "Let's celebrate, baby."

Evan beams at him. Vinnie beams back.

The tenderness between them is impossible to miss. And the closeness. This isn't a big locker room, but all the same, there's practically no space between them.

I stare. My mouth might fall open.

And then, Vinnie kisses Evan on the lips. Right in the locker room.

My jaw drops. I blink. But I definitely saw that. They were kissing.

I swallow hard, and something makes my head spin. Confusion ripples through me, and all the late-night browsing on certain topics comes back to me.

Am I...?

I don't finish the thought in my mind. I lean back, burrowing myself in the wall. My heart races.

Am I...?

But the question is impossible to finish. Because hockey players aren't...that way.

Except Vinnie and Evan are acting like they're in a relationship. I stare at them, wondering if one of them is going to burst out laughing or push the other way, and there's a joke I missed because I was focused on Finn and...

Oh. God. I might be—

Blood drains from my head, leaving me feeling lightheaded.

Vinnie and Evan break away, then Vinnie's eyes narrow, and his face stiffens. Evan blinks, confused, then he turns in the direction that Vinnie is looking at.

Shit.

Vinnie is looking at me. And not in a pleasant way.

He jerks his head to me, and yeah, his eyes are glaring. "You have a problem, Fitzpatrick?"

I shake my head hastily.

"It looked like you had a problem."

"I-I don't," I stammer, but maybe from the way I'm gasping and shuddering it does look like I have a problem.

The beautiful evening turns horrible. Eyes are on me again. Suddenly, everyone is following the conversation. The room stills, and distaste has replaced everyone's elation.

I made a misstep, and I don't know how to get everything back to normal again.

Vinnie's eyes narrow. "You're from a small town in New Hampshire."

I draw back.

Maybe if I were from Boston or Manhattan I would be used to seeing men kissing .

"I was surprised," I say.

Evan continues to look disappointed, and I hate it. I hate that Vinnie and Evan are unhappy because of me, and I hate that I don't fit with the team even when I thought I did, even when I thought that everything was at least OK-ish.

Then Finn stands. "What the hell, Vinnie?"

Vinnie blinks.

"He didn't know." Finn's hands are on his waist. "No one told him. Because you guys told us not to tell anyone. But it's a big deal. I mean, it makes sense he would be caught off guard."

"He was staring."

"He couldn't believe his eyes!"

"What do you mean it's a big deal?" Evan asks, his gaze angry.

"It took you forever to get together for a reason," Finn declares. "You can't deny it. Who else is gay in the NHL?"

Coach clears his throat. "Finn, Noah, make sure you see me in my office when we get back. I'm disappointed in both of you."

With that, Coach storms out.

Evan and Vinnie suit up, then join Coach to meet the press.

"We're going out tonight," Finn says, clenching his fists.