CHAPTER FIFTY-SIX

N oah

My heart beats uncomfortably in Finn's presence. It's all I can do to not pull him into the massage room, pull him into the supply closet, kiss him in the fucking open.

There was a time I didn't know how to skate. My body will learn how to ignore Finn. The words feel like a lie even though I've only uttered them in my own head. A day in which I forget about Finn, when his presence no longer ignites my cells and mitochondria and soul, seems like the most terrible of days.

The day inches forward, but finally, we're on the ice.

Luke and Finn both score goals. Even though Luke has become a friend, I vow to not show up at the bar tonight. I want Finn to celebrate the win.

The intercom crackles, then the announcer says, "Please stay seated for a final event after this song."

Murmurings sound. This event was not planned. I frown. Is there some celebrity here? A politician?

"What's happening?" I ask Luke.

"I'm not sure."

I wriggle my legs impatiently. I want to leave. Just as I contemplate whether I can do this, Finn gets up. Is he leaving?

I wish I had his confidence and could walk out of things. I wish I didn't feel like I had to stay here.

Finn smiles, unconcerned. The man looks happy and excited .

And that's wonderful. Really wonderful.

I don't want anything bad to ever happen. My heart is raw, as if someone's scraped it over the ice, like it's one of the pucks being struck by two hundred plus muscular men over and over again.

I suddenly don't want to sit and wait for whatever team management has decided should happen now, so I get up and follow Finn, ignoring the startled glances of the other players on the bench.

"Where are you going?" Luke asks.

"I'll be back."

Luke blinks, but I'm already moving past him. I totter on my skates. Walking is ridiculous with them on, like I'm two years old again.

But I want to find Finn, so I continue. I want to see what he's doing.

I enter the tunnel, then I see him.

His eyes widen, and he puts his hands in his pockets hastily. His happy face turns worried, and I hate that I'm the cause of it.

I quicken my steps. I want to get out of here.

"Noah? Where are you going?"

"Why does everyone ask me that?"

He frowns. "Noah...Let's go back to the rink."

I pout. "I don't want to."

His eyes soften. "Come, baby."

The endearment jolts through me. For a wild moment, my body believes that he means it. But of course, he doesn't.

"You were trying to get an annulment."

His skin turns a ruddy color, and he glances toward the tunnel. "We should get back out there."

"No." Frustration skates through my veins, and I fucking glare. "We need to talk about this. It's important."

"I know...but..."

"No one is here."

"But we're not out there."

Music wafts in from the arena. It's something romantic, and God, I don't feel like anything romantic. "I don't want to listen to that song."

Finn's skin whitens, and he runs a finger along his neck, as if his jersey is strangling him. "I thought you loved this song."

"I did, but now..."

"Now?" Finn scans my face desperately, but I'm not sure what he expects to find.

"It reminds me of..."

"What?" Finn narrows the distance between us like a defenseman closing off an open pass, and I step back and slam against the wall. "What does it remind you of?"

"Us." My voice trembles, and his lips are right opposite me. They're succulent and belong to him, and I don't want to stare at them. I want...

I kiss him.

I don't mean to. Not really, and he makes a gasp of surprise.

Evidently, kissing me now was the last thing he anticipated.

But then he tightens his grip around me and kisses me back. He cups my face in his hands, slick from sweat, and he sucks on each lip, sucks on my tongue. Our tongues move together desperately. I slide my hands over his body, because I don't know if this is the last time I'll feel him pressed against me. I tighten my grip on him, even though I shouldn't kiss him.

This is all wrong.

I pull away, but my heart protests, the ache already unbearable, and I kiss him more, more, more. I turn him around, so I'm pressing him against the tunnel wall.

I need to feel him. Desperation gnaws through me. I want him. I crave him. I yearn for him. My cock swells against him, and I feel him harden.

God.

I want him to fuck me right now. Or I want to sink onto the ground and put him on my mouth. I want to feel him. I want us to be one again.

"We can go to the massage room." The words slip from my mouth, and he stiffens.

I immediately wish I could claw the words back.

Finn pushes me away so suddenly that I stumble back.

And because I'm wearing fucking skates, I nearly fall at his feet.

He doesn't notice.

He doesn't meet my gaze. Instead, he faces the wall, as if he's horrified our lips touched.

"I'm sorry," I murmur. "I-I didn't mean to do that."

"It's okay," Finn says finally between tightly clenched teeth.

"I'm really sorry," I say again.

He grimaces and takes a deep breath. "We need to get out there."

"I'm sorry," I mumble. "I know you don't care. I'm being...childish."

"I care," Finn says firmly. "Absolutely."

I shake my head. "That's what I thought. But I was wrong. I was silly... It felt like we were actually married."

"And did you like it?" he asks carefully.

"No!"

Hurt floods Finn's face, and he inhales sharply. "I thought you liked us together. I thought you liked coming home with me each night. I thought you liked our mornings together and our explorations of the city."

"Not if it meant I woke up and discovered..." I shake my head. "It doesn't matter. I'm fine. I'm sorry. Really."

"Baby..."

"Don't baby me," I say. "You have no idea how it feels."

"It feels painful, right?"

I roll my eyes. "Good guess. You must have been paying attention when you watched movies or something."

He blinks. "This isn't like you."

"I guess I'm under stress," I mutter. "I should ask to be transferred."

His face pales more. "That's what you want?"

"If it means I don't have to see you!" My voice comes out harsher than I intended, and Finn jumps.

"You don't want to see me?" his voice shakes.

"It wouldn't work," I say miserably.

"You mean the two or three games we might play against each other would still be too much for you?" He draws back, and his eyes are wider than normal. I want to stare at them forever. Instead, I examine the gray-painted ground. So not the same thing.

"Because I see you everywhere," I say mournfully. "When I close my eyes, you're there. And God, even when I don't close my eyes you're here."

"Is that so?" His lips curl into a smile, and irritation washes over me.

"You don't need to seem so smug about it."

Then, irritating man that he is, he starts to laugh.

"It's not a laughing matter!" I pout.

"I'm just happy," he says between laughs.

"I'm telling you that you broke my heart!" I exclaim. "And you're happy!"

"Uh-huh."

I stare at him. My jaw drops, and his cheeks grow a ruddier color than they were previously.

"That probably sounds bad."

"Yeah." Something hot prickles my eyes.

Oh, no.

I'm not going to cry in front of him. Absolutely not. I've already thrown up in front of him. I don't need to add that to my list of humiliations. It's not like there's some list somewhere, all the ways for me to embarrass myself in front of Finn, that I need to hit.

"Let's go back to the ice," Finn says softly. "I promise everything will be okay."

I shake my head. "I don't want to pretend nothing happened between us."

"Then we won't pretend that."

He wraps an arm around my shoulder and tries to lead us forward, but I halt.

"We don't need to attend, do we?"

"Well..." Finn swallows hard, and I try not to think about how Adam's apples are way more attractive than they're given credit for. "We do."

"It's not a hockey game. It's just some stupid event."

Finn winces.

Footsteps sound in the tunnel.

"Finn, Noah!" Coach's voice booms, and we jump apart. "We are all waiting for you!"

"Sorry, Coach," Finn says. "We're on our way."

"Now!"

Finn grabs my hand, and we jog toward Coach.