CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

F inn

Noah snuggles into me as the plane takes off after a night playing Carolina after another win. His eyes are shut, and his breath sends warm pulses through my body. The curious glances of my friends as they see Noah and me together have eased almost entirely. Noah and I are always together, and that's fine with everyone.

My team is awesome.

This is only for this year though.

That's the secret that Noah and I have. The promise we've made each other.

At some point, I'll have to explain to my friends that Noah and I have split. At some point, I'll see him dating other people. And at some point, I'll be going on dates of my own, trying to capture something of what I felt with Noah, even though I've never felt close to this before.

I stare out the window and keep my arm still so that Noah will not wake, as my heart thunders.

Because Noah and I are in our early twenties. And even though hockey players marry young, I don't know if Noah had that same goal. Noah has partied less than me. Why would he give up the option of doing that, now that he is making good money for the first time in his life?

No, if Noah wants this to be for one year, then that's what we'll have. But my heart already aches. I've met someone so right for me, but every game we play is a day closer to the end. When Noah acted surprised that I wanted to have all the sex with him, I decided not to press anything .

Murmurings sound around me. Some guys play cards, while others have inserted their AirPods into their ears and are watching movies on their iPads. Evan and Vinnie share an iPad in front of us, and their deep voices rumble whenever a particularly funny scene comes on.

My iPad is tucked in my bag. I could get it out. But Noah is sleeping so soundly, and I won't wake him. Warmth fills me where our skin touches. I close my eyes and imagine stripping him naked once our jet lands and we're safely checked into our next hotel. I imagine kissing every inch of his body, like I've done before. But this time I also imagine spreading his cheeks. I imagine seeing his pink hole, and I imagine licking it. It's not a fantasy I've had before, but I may have ventured to my favorite porn sites when Noah was sleeping, this time clicking on the gay category.

Yeah, there are things I want to try.

I want to hear Noah moan beneath me. I want to thrust inside him, and I want to pound against his special button and see if it drives Noah as crazy as I see it drive people crazy in porn. I want his long legs to dangle from my shoulders, and I want to flip him over and take him doggy style, so all I can see is that great, round hockey ass, and I want to lie him down and kiss him as I thrust inside him.

I want everything. I want him.

My cock twitches, and I force my mind away from images of Noah's naked body and attempt to sleep.

If we have one year, I want to make it count.

My Apple Watch buzzes. Isaiah is inviting Noah and me to his wedding on the North Shore at the fucking Peregrine Estate. I've been in society long enough to know what a nice place that is.

My lips swerve up. Guess I'm going to see Noah in a tux.

But a new feeling fills me: guilt.

Noah and I married in private. I didn't give him a nice wedding. I didn't even let his family watch. And I served him minibar drinks and neither of us can remember what happened. I'm not Mr. Super Husband, and the thought that Noah doesn't expect me to be doesn't make me feel better.

NOAH

Finn and I tumble into bed at the hotel. Our arms wrap around each other, just how we always sleep. Finn crawls down my body. He sucks warm, wet kisses on my torso. It's possible I'll have hickeys tomorrow, but I don't tell him to stop. I can take any teasing, and his mouth feels amazing.

Then he's sucking my cock. He doesn't tease me. He's straight there, and it's amazing. Finn swallows it like a desperate man, like me orgasming means the same as someone defusing a bomb at a stadium.

Soon I'm coming, surging on a wave of pleasure. My back arches, my hands tremble, and I'm not sure my heart will ever be the same.

I press my lips together, so I don't accidentally spill how much he means. Those three little words are everywhere. A whole aisle is devoted to them at CVS, and the married guys on the team, the married guys except us, say it effortlessly to their spouses on their phones .

I want to say it.

The words appear in my mind every time I see him, like bubbles floating over him in a comic strip.

I love him. I love him so much.

I probably loved him before we met, when he would stare into the camera, hair mussed, eyes sleepy or alert, and reveal all his thoughts about living his best life so his viewers could do the same.

But I can't say them. He's already given me so much. He put his life on hold for one year for me. I won't make him feel that I'm trapping him for forever.

So I swallow back the words, and kiss him so nothing can get out accidentally, even when my mind blares with I love yous and you are my everything.

I reach down and take his cock in my hand. It's slick with precum, and it only takes a few strokes before his body tenses, then shakes, and for him to lie asleep with me clutched in his sturdy arms .

My heart continues to beat, uncertainty moving through me. I'm not going to be able to let him go.