Chapter 23: Xander

XANDER

"What the fuck was that?" I seethe as I stomp into Bastian's room. I close the door behind me, so Briar won't hear us. Turning, I level Bastian with an unimpressed glare.

He just smirks at me from his perch on his forest green comforter. Green's Bastian's favorite color. So, of course, everything in his room has to be one shade of green or another. The walls, bedding, curtains, art, rug, and even the lamps.

It's… a look.

"That, brother of mine, was me helping you with Briar. She's getting the wrong idea when you act like you can't stand her. I'm just making sure the one woman in the world made for you knows you're interested."

"I'm not interested," I protest.

"Are we in the business of lying to each other now, twinnie?" Bastian says lightly. His easy tone is at odds with his narrowed eyes.

I sigh and lean my head back against the door. I probably should have said I wish I weren't interested. It would be so much better if I weren't attracted to Briar. If I didn't admire her strength, find her dry humor hilarious, and begrudgingly respect her taste in music. From everything I've learned about her in the past couple months, Briar deserves a hell of a lot more than me.

Why doesn't Bastian understand I'm trying to do the right thing?

Raking my hand through my hair, I reflexively reply, "Don't call me that." His stupid nickname doesn't really bother me, but he loves pushing my buttons. I pretend to be bothered for his enjoyment. "I'm not lying to you, Bastian. I'm not interested in having a relationship with her," I backtrack, trying to get him to understand I don't want or need his help.

Liar, liar, liar. Part of me wants to check to see if my pants are on fire with how hard I'm lying. Guilt tries to worm its way in about lying to my twin. I squash it quickly. I'm only lying to protect him.

"Yeah, I don't buy that. Whatever, Xan. Lie to me if you want. I'm not going to stop trying," he tells me seriously.

Everyone sees Bastian as the joker. He's not. As a kid, he was always the serious one. I was the outgoing one who always made people laugh. After we found out what that scumbag priest was doing, Bastian started pretending to be upbeat so our parents and Kai wouldn't worry about him. We basically switched personalities. I stopped laughing. He started. I stopped making friends. He started. I stopped living life. He stopped living, too. I guess we're the same with that.

After missing what was happening to Bastian, I didn't deserve joy anymore.

I still don't.

It's only around me that Bastian stops with the act. I guess that's not true anymore. Briar gets to see the real him.

"You should stop. I'm fine."

"You're not fine. You haven't been in a while," my twin tells me, sadness etched into his face.

I hang my head at his declaration. He's not supposed to be worrying about me. I'm the older twin. It's my job to take care of him. I need to do better at pretending, but I don't have it in me to pretend right now. Maybe once Briar's scent isn't clinging to every inch of my skin, I'll be able to think clearly.

A cold shower should help. Turning around, I open Bastian's door. I stop when he calls out to me. "Xander?"

"Yeah?" I ask without spinning to face him. I grip the top doorframe with both hands, having a feeling I'm not going to like what he has to say.

"You deserve happiness, too."

I grind my jaw but don't turn to reply. Unclenching my white-knuckled fists from the doorframe, I leave without responding to him.

What is there to say?

I don't deserve happiness, not after I let my baby brother get hurt for years without noticing. There's a special place in hell for people like me. I never thought I could hate someone more than I hate Father Simon, but I was wrong. I hate myself far more than I could ever hate that bastard.

Stalking into my room, I resist the urge to punch something. A new hole in my wall will just give Bastian more ammunition for his worries. Robotically, I strip and get into a frigid shower. I let the cold water soak into my bones until I'm numb enough to get through the day.

I'm just pulling on my pants when my door opens. Expecting it to be Bastian, I turn around without putting on a shirt, pants undone and belt hanging loose. Only, it's not Bastian. It's Kai carrying Briar. A growl builds in my chest that he's holding her instead of me. I forcefully push the jealousy down and smooth out my expression.

From Kai's arched brow, I know he saw the struggle on my face. At least Briar didn't.

She lifts her head from Kai's shoulder and glances around my monotone room. The black, gray, and white furnishings are sterile. There's nothing personal in my room. I'm not interested in making my space comfortable.

"Put me down," Briar demands.

"Ask nicely," Kai taunts her.

I try to hide my smile at her answering hiss. She sounds like an angry kitten. I laugh at the visual. Briar whips her head around and glares at me. I hold my hands up in surrender, attempting to soothe her rage.

She wiggles to get out of Kai's hold. When that doesn't work, Briar grates out, "Please."

Kai slowly slides her tight little body down his front. Jealousy that he gets to touch her like that rears its head. I ruthlessly stomp it out. She will never and can never be mine. "See? That wasn't so hard," Kai gloats.

Briar puts her hands on her flared hips before snarling, "Fuck off. Kissing me doesn't mean you own me, Malachi Wyldhart." They kissed? When the hell did this happen? Shaking my head, I remind myself it doesn't matter. Briar's free to do whatever she wants with my brothers. As long as she leaves me alone, we won't have problems.

"I never said it did, baby girl." Kai shoves his hands in his pockets as he smiles down at her.

"Good."

"As fun as this little exchange is to watch, why are you here, Briar?" I ask, voice coming out sharper than intended.

Briar flinches minutely at my harsh question, and I feel like an asshole. With everything she's been through, I need to be gentler with her. Even though I'll never give in to our connection, she's still family now. I'll take care of her just like I try to do with my brothers.

She sighs as she looks up at Kai. He shakes his head at her, and she blows out a breath. Turning around, Briar walks toward me. I'm momentarily hypnotized by her perfect tits. She's shirtless and only wearing a lacy pink bra that leaves little to the imagination. They look plump and full. I can't help but wonder what they'd feel like in my hands.

Dragging my gaze downward, my eyes snag on her laceration. It's bloody and raw. "Fuck, sweetheart," I breathe out as she stops in front of me. "What happened?" I clench my hands into fists to stop myself from touching her. While it's usually difficult to keep my distance, it's downright impossible when she's hurt.

"I tore my stitches while running on the treadmill," she tells me softly. Briar bites her lip like she's afraid I'm going to lose it and scream at her.

Her being scared of me tears me to shreds. I'd never hurt her. I need to do better at keeping my distance without being a dick. "Why were you running?" I ask softly, trying to show Briar I'm not going to yell at her.

She just purses her lips and stares off over my shoulder. I open my mouth to ask if she wants me to stitch her up, when Kai barks, "Leave it alone, Xander. She doesn't have to explain herself to you."

My eyebrows rise at that. "I wasn't going to press her, Kai. I just wanted to see if she wanted me to suture her wound."

Briar nods at my question. I give her a small smile.

"Oh." Kai sheepishly rubs the back of his neck.

"Is there something you need, Kai? 'Cause I work better without an audience."

He shakes his head. "I'll be back in with your clothes," he says as he stalks over to Briar. Kai gives her a kiss on the top of her head before leaving my room.

"Mind lying on the bed, Briar?" I ask as I turn to get my medical kit from the bathroom.

"Nope. The bed works for me."

Rummaging through the espresso-colored storage cabinet in my en suite, I gather everything I need to sew her up. When I return to the room, she's already lying on the bed. My dick perks up at how well she follows directions.

Fuck. Not now!

I will it to go down before Briar notices the tent in my pants. Luckily, she doesn't look my way until I kneel at her side.

Her icy-blue eyes turn toward me, holding me captive for a moment. Shaking my head, I start putting the numbing cream on. "The numbing cream's nice," she tells me while I work.

Not paying her statement any mind, I distractedly ask, "Oh, do you use a different brand?"

"Um, no. I don't have numbing cream."

My head jerks up at that. Fucking hell, she's been stitching herself without anything to numb the pain?

This girl.

Her cheeks flush under my stare. Clearing her throat, she tries to change the subject. "How'd you learn how to stitch someone?"

I debate how to answer her. Finally, I settle on, "Bastian did a lot of organized fighting when we were teens. He still does it now but not as much. I learned what I needed to patch him up after a match."

"Legal or…?" Briar trails off.

A ghost of a smile crosses my face at her tiptoeing around the question. "Now? Yeah, it's mostly legal. When we were younger, he primarily did underground fighting."

"That explains the broken nose," Briar mutters to herself. My eyebrows rise in surprise that she noticed Bastian's slightly crooked nose. She's more observant than she lets on. "Why'd he stop doing underground fighting?"

Her question threatens to take me back to that night. If I close my eyes, I know I'll see my twin lying lifeless on a dirty mat, eyes closed and blood seeping out of his mouth. I didn't know if we could save him that night. He was touch-and-go for a while, but he pulled through.

As much as I want to blame his opponent for that night, I know it was Bastian's doing. Bastian's a powerhouse. Other than Kai and our dad, no one can beat Bastian unless he lets them.

I should have stopped him, but I didn't know that he planned to lose so badly. I didn't know that he wanted to leave me permanently. I didn't know he thought dying was the only way to escape his demons.

"I didn't know" is the story of my fucking life.

Slamming the door on those thoughts before I can drown in my self-loathing, I focus back on Briar. She's staring at me with her forehead lined in concern. "It's a long story," I manage to say in a level voice.

"Fair enough. You're good at doctor stuff. Why aren't you one?"

I let out a relieved breath at her giving me an out. "That's also complicated." I chuckle humorlessly.

"Want to talk about it?"

Not in a million years.

What am I supposed to say?

I'm not a doctor because I couldn't even save my own twin. I let him down, so he almost got killed, not once but multiple times.

Or, I destroy everything I touch when all I want to do is save lives.

What about, fixing people up makes me happy, and I don't deserve to be happy.

Briar doesn't need to deal with my damage on top of her own. Instead, I tell her about Bastian. I throw my twin under the bus so that I don't have to talk about my feelings with her. I'm such an asshole. And a coward. I already knew that, though.

"Our family has high expectations of us," I start. Holding back a laugh at how much of an understatement that is, I continue. "We're expected to take over the pa—I mean family business." I wince at my slipup. I hurry to continue before she can ask me about it. "All three of us have to take over the business together. Kai will be officially in charge, but Bastian and I are expected to be his right-hand men.

"Bastian's never wanted to be in the family business. He'd be happy tinkering with his computers all day, but it's not an option. All we can do is delay the inevitable until Bastian's ready. As a compromise, our parents have agreed to let us teach at WHU before taking over. We get ten years to teach, but our parents are hoping we'll burn out sooner. Long story short, being a doctor isn't in my future." I give her a resigned half smile.

"Your parents probably think dealing with the little shits at WHU will make you take over the business faster."

A startled laugh bursts out of me at her statement. She rewards me with a genuine grin that makes my heart skip a beat. Briar's dangerous to my heart all the time.

But when she smiles?

I'm a goner.

Looking down to hide my dopey grin, I finish off her last stitch. After I clean off the area with a wet rag, I tell her, "You're all set to go. These sutures should be stronger than the ones out of sewing thread. Try not to tear them, please." I can't handle seeing her hurt anymore.

"No promises, doc," Briar says with a wide smile. "Thanks for patching me up, Xander. You do a great job."

I stand up and offer her my hand. She puts her warm palm in mine and holds on to me as I haul her up. Dropping her hand, I quickly step back. That way I won't do anything stupid, like try to hold her.

Briar looks like she wants to say something, but she doesn't. Instead, she turns around and walks to the door. When she reaches the threshold, she looks over her shoulder and says, "For what it's worth, you'd make an excellent doctor. Your parents are blind not to see that."