Chapter Ten

Ten

Lucas

When I pull away from Shawn, I lower my gaze to meet his, unsurprised at the sadness in his eyes. Shawn’s always been like that. Too much pain for any one person to carry by himself.

I lift my hand and cup his cheek, my body warming at the way my thumb catches along the stubble on Shawn’s face. For so long, he was stuck in my mind as the same sixteen-year-old he was when he left. Now he’s a man. Still not as tall as me. Still mostly sharp angles. Still covered in scars.

Fuck, I’ve missed him.

I meet his gaze, making sure he’s okay with it before I lower my head and press my lips to his. He responds immediately, his fingers digging into my upper arms as he kisses me back. His tongue slides into my mouth, but I don’t let him dominate the moment. I let him do that when were kids, but it’s mine turn now.

I slide one hand down to his ass and grab a handful of him, making him whimper into my mouth. He allows me to back him up into the wall, and I keep a firm hold on his ass, pressing hard against it so his crotch pushes into mine.

He breaks our kiss to pull in a breath, and then his lips are on my neck, sucking and licking my skin.

“Do you have any idea how much I’ve thought about this?” I ask, my voice husky. “The other night was barely enough for me. I want you under me all the time. Every day and night. I want to be so deep inside you that you don’t ever forget what it feels like.”

“Then do it.” The words shake as they come out of him. His cock is pressing hard into me, and he tries to move his hips for friction, but I squeeze his ass hard.

“None of that. We’re doing this my way tonight.”

“We did it your way last night,” he replies with a grunt when I pinch his ass.

“And we’re doing it my way again. And again. You’re the one who said to fuck you for all the times I wanted it and you weren’t there. Well, I wanted it a hell of a lot, Shawn. And I’m not going to be shy about collecting.”

A shiver runs through him, and he pulls back from kissing my neck to meet my gaze. His eyes are wary, letting me know he’s just the smallest bit nervous. The other night when we were together, everything happened so fast, I don’t think he realized how much he was submitting to me. But now, he’s about to give it up consciously.

He swallows before giving me one nod.

I relax my hold on his ass and pat it once. “Good boy. Get out of those clothes.”

Shawn obeys immediately, though he still does it with his front to me, unwilling to show me his back. I’ll have to get him to change that eventually. I want to see every bit of him, scars and all.

“Are you gonna behave this time or do I need to tie you to the bed again?”

He bristles and glances away from me, making me realize I said something wrong.

“Shawn—”

He blinks and clears his throat before meeting my eyes again. “No, you don’t need to tie me down. I’ll behave.”

His voice doesn’t have the confidence it did just seconds ago. Instead he sounds like…like how he sounded when he came to live with us. Wondering if we were going to treat him as badly as the last foster home he was in.

“I’m sorry.” I reach a hand out and cup the back of his neck. “I’d never really hurt you. You know that, don’t you?”

A blush steals over his cheeks and he scoffs. “Of course I know that. Now are you gonna fuck me or what?”

Part of me wants to tell him no, but I know he won’t respond well to that. He’s embarrassed by what he sees as a weakness, even though his flash of fear was an understandable reaction.

So I let him shrug it off like he wants to. I’ll just be more careful with what I say. I’d never want to send his thoughts back to anything horrific he went through.

“If you want me to fuck you, take my clothes off.”

His mouth picks up in a little smile, and he reaches for the buttons on my dress shirt. But instead of undoing them one by one, he grips the shirt and jerks it open, popping the buttons off. The little things scatter across the floor, and I jerk back in surprise.

Shawn laughs a little and tugs the shirt off me. “You look sexy even when you’re startled.”

It’s a little strange to know he thinks of me that way. I knew on some level, but it feels hotter hearing him actually say it.

He pushes my pants down, and I step out of them before kicking them out of the way. Then I grab Shawn and pick him up, reveling in the way he wraps his legs around my waist instantly. Our cocks press together, and the only reason I don’t reach down and wrap my hand around them is because I’m holding onto Shawn.

As soon as I reach the bed, I push him down onto it and pull his arms from around my neck. “Lie down.”

Shawn obeys quickly, his skin flushed with excitement. As soon as he’s in position, I grab his knees and push them apart so I can look at him. Even though we were together the other night, I didn’t really get to stop and admire him. I plan to take my time tonight.

He blushes and tries to close his legs, so I move closer to the bed, pressing my knees into the end of the mattress where I stand. “No, no. I want you to keep these open for me all night long.”

He mumbles my name as I lower to my knees on the carpet.

“Just relax,” I say, running my hands slowly up his thighs. “I’ve been waiting for this for a long time.”

I don’t give him time to become any more self-conscious before I lean forward and take him in my mouth. His hips buck instantly, so I push my hands firmly down on his thighs as I suck him, holding him in place.

He swears and slides his hands into my hair, urging me further down on him. His grip is relaxed enough that I could pull back if I wanted to, but I don’t. I want to make him feel good. I want him to never forget tonight.

Slowly, I slide a finger into my mouth alongside his cock and wet it before pulling it out to press it to his entrance. His muscles flutter, but he opens quickly for me. I fingered him last night to stretch him, but I didn’t get nearly enough time to do that as I wanted. Tonight, I’m a lot slower. Gentler. Gliding my fingers in and out, brushing his prostate only every other time.

I keep my lips wrapped around his dick, licking away the precome every time it gathers at his tip. I work him until he’s whimpering, his thighs shaking with the urge to help his body thrust upward, but I don’t let him.

I release him and look down at his cock, red and rock-hard. Then I slide my gaze down to his balls, so heavy it looks as though they could burst. And finally down to where I have three fingers nestled deep into him. Watching the way he’s stretched so tautly around me nearly has me coming right there.

“Lucas.” Shawn’s voice is breathy. “I need you in me. Please. I don’t think I can hold on any longer.”

I want to wait, to keep driving him to the edge over and over again until I’ve had my fill. But just like he needs me in him, I need to be inside him. My body is begging me for it.

Slowly, I pull my fingers from him and watch as he clenches over and over, searching for something else to fill him. Then I roll a condom on and get to my feet.

Shawn stares up at me, his cheeks flushed and his pupils blown wide. His lip is red and a little swollen from biting it. He looks vulnerable.

When I lean over him, he reaches up immediately and grabs my shoulders, pulling me close to him. His knees tighten on either side of my body, and he kisses me fiercely.

“Easy,” I mumble against his lips. “I’m not going anywhere.”

I position my cock at his entrance and push in. It’s a lot easier tonight than it was last time, but there’s still some resistance. I keep my gaze fastened on his as I press in, watching as the muscle in his jaw tightens and sweat beads on his forehead before his body relaxes and allows me the rest of the way in.

As soon as I’ve bottomed out, I lean closer to him and press my lips to his. He tastes like coffee and sunshine and the beach. I never want to stop.

“Lucas.” It’s the only thing he says as he arches up to meet my thrusts. I keep them shallow and slow because I want this to last as long as possible. I want to stay inside him all night long. I want to just be with him.

“Promise you won’t leave again without saying goodbye?” The words come out of my mouth in a hurried whisper.

Shawn meets my gaze and licks his lower lip. His cheeks are flushed, and his fingers are digging into my upper arms. His mouth is swollen and red from my kissing him. “I won’t leave without saying goodbye,” he says softly. “I promise.”

I press closer to him, feeling the truth in his words. Maybe it’s wrong to make him promise something like that, but I can’t help it. I want him so badly that it hurts. It’s the only thing that keeps me from going over the edge tonight and spilling into him.

It’s not until he finally does, his muscles constricting over and over around me, that I find my own release.

This time, I don’t hesitate to pull him close afterward, keeping him nestled against me as I fall into a dreamless sleep.

***

When I wake up the next morning, I slide out of bed and get dressed so I don’t wake Shawn. He looks so peaceful sleeping, but as soon as I leave his hotel room, my stomach starts twisting.

I spent so long angry with him for abandoning Natalie. Abandoning me. But now it all makes sense.

Of course Shawn wouldn’t stay if he heard my parents talking about him like that. He’d rather get out before they told him to. And what’s worse is, I know my dad had to have known Shawn could hear him. Mom and Dad always had their “big” talks in their bedroom closet, where they thought we couldn’t hear them. But ever since Natalie and I were little, we’d crouch in my closet that was on the other side of theirs whenever they were talking in there.

We heard everything. The pregnancy scare Mom had when we were in middle school. The day Dad got laid off work. The moment they got the call about Shawn coming to live with us.

It wasn’t until Shawn moved into my room that I told Dad we could hear it all. I didn’t want them to talk about him or have a fight in there and have Shawn overhear them. I hated giving it up, but he needed to know. I didn’t hear them have another conversation in there.

So if Shawn overheard them in my bedroom, they had to have been back in the closet, where Dad would know.

It’s all I can think about all day long. It hovers over me while I’m at work, and I’m thankful we’re finished by noon. Benny tries to get me to go to lunch with him and the others, but I’m not in the headspace for that. I won’t be until I actually talk to my parents.

So after work, I drive over to my parents’ house, my stomach in knots the whole way. I hate feeling like this. Being with Natalie during her cancer battle and then trying to come to terms with her death made us all closer than we used to be. We rarely fight, but now all I can feel is the anger running underneath my skin. I try to tell myself that it’s not their fault because they should be allowed to have conversations in their own house, but that does little to soothe my rage.

Maybe it’s because I got really close to Shawn while he lived with us. Or maybe it’s because my parents had to have known on some level that Shawn staying with us wouldn’t make anything worse.

Or it’s the haunted look in his eyes last night when he was talking to me about it all.

I know my parents can’t make him feel anything, but he’d spend half his life being pushed in and out of foster homes, and we promised we’d be a safe place for him.

When I get to my parents’ house, I park behind my dad’s BMW and get out of the car. The summer sun beats down on the back of my neck as I make my way up the walkway and knock on the door.

Mom opens it and gives me a wide smile. “Lucas, what are you doing here?”

“I need to talk to you and Dad about something.”

She steps back to let me inside, her smile turning down at the corners. “What’s wrong? Are you all right?”

As soon as I hear the panic in her voice, guilt swoops through me. We all know better than to say we need to talk without any warning. “Nothing’s wrong. I just need to talk to you guys about when Shawn was living with us.”

“Oh, okay.” Doubt shines in her eyes, but she closes the door and yells down the hall for my dad before turning back to me. “You want something to drink?”

“No, I can’t stay.” It’s not the truth, but I know I don’t want to stay. I don’t want to be in this house right now. No matter what Dad says, it won’t matter. I already know the truth.

He appears at the end of the hall, his glasses folded neatly in his hand. “Lucas, what’s up?”

I don’t wait for him to sit in his favorite armchair. “Shawn overheard you guys talking the night he left.”

Mom frowns. “Talking about what?”

“Arguing about who was going to keep an eye on him and how you didn’t want him at the hospital because he wasn’t technically family.”

Mom gasps, her hand flying to cover her mouth. “He heard that? How did he hear that? We tried to be quiet.”

I turn to look at Dad and search his face for any indication of guilt, but nothing’s there. “Dad knows.”

His eyes narrow just the slightest. “Lucas. Do you really think that’s the only reason that boy left? He’d run away from every other foster home he’d been in.”

“He was going to stay with us.”

“What? Is that what he told you?”

“He has no reason to lie, Dad. It’s not like telling me changes anything.”

“Is that true?” Mom asks, her gaze fastened on my dad. Sadness has lined her face; her shoulders are slumped.

“It’s not some big, horrible thing,” Dad insists. “We couldn’t keep him at the time, so I made sure he knew without being cruel about it.”

“Yeah, it was really not cruel to make sure he heard you guys talking about how much you didn’t want him.”

“I wanted him to stay,” Mom protests. “I would never have told him otherwise. I wanted to try to make it work. Richard, I can’t believe you did that.”

The despair in her voice makes me feel bad because she’s not the one I’m upset with. She had every right to talk to Dad about Shawn in her own house. My anger is with Dad for using a secret I told him about to hurt Shawn.

“I did what needed to be done,” Dad says. “And I’m sorry if it upset Shawn, but he was sixteen years old and fully capable of taking care of himself. It wasn’t the right time to be fostering him. Not with everything going on with Natalie.”

“You never wanted to foster,” I snap. “You just used Natalie as an excuse to kick him out of here.”

Anger fills Dad’s face, darker than storm clouds. “Don’t you dare—”

“I don’t want to hear it,” I interrupt, turning for the door. “Don’t call me.”

It feels as though I can’t get out of the house fast enough. Anger pounds through me, heating my blood as I get in my car and take off.

I don’t want to go see Shawn because I don’t want him to see how angry I truly am. I know how much rage could scare him, and I don’t want him to think I’d ever hurt him. So I drive aimlessly around town, too keyed up to even go to the cemetery and talk to Natalie.

For so long after Shawn left, I thought maybe I’d done something wrong, pushed him away. Dad had told us that Shawn most likely left because of Natalie’s diagnosis. And that’s the biggest piece I can’t forgive. Because she blamed herself for the fact that he was out alone in the world again.

How the hell am I supposed to forgive that?