14. Lars

14

Lars

Music has been my compass. An anchor holding me in place and the wings which give me flight. Every emotion I’ve ever experienced has been fuel for creating a melody. Rage, love, and heartache were lyrics in my heart, woven into the song. I’ve never had an issue finding words to express emotion until now, standing in the dark and gazing at the sleeping form of the only woman I’ve ever loved.

In the last ten years, I’ve been in the company of the most stunning women on the planet, but Billie Richmond is still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. Gazing at her is like being graced with a vision of the Northern Lights fluttering in the dark sky. Wondrous and majestic.

I’ve been sitting here for hours, watching the steady rise and fall of her chest, jealous of the air she breathes and the blanket wrapped around her body.

I’ve accumulated so many regrets. Most of them before I grasped the meaning of the word. But none as profound as the permanent, nauseating gut punch from telling her to walk away. I thought I’d be okay. That her leaving was simply more pain I was forced to endure, but she wasn’t so easy to move past. Billie Richmond was half of my heart. Without her, I was living as half a man.

I tried to catch her while she was up. Ran to her room and banged on the door like a madman, demanding to be let in like a brute. I didn’t blame her for shutting me out. I deserved far worse.

She was in there. Billie wanted me to know she was ignoring me by blaring her music. She picked Limp Bizkit, knowing how shitty I found that band. A genuine smile found its way to my lips. She was spiteful and stubborn because she couldn’t stand that band either, but she’d tolerate them to torture me.

My Billie was too sweet to hurt me. She’d break herself to avoid it. Too bad I wasn’t as good to her. But I wanted to be. God, I wanted to be.

The blanket shifts, exposing her thighs and black panties, and my cock rears its ugly head. Even my dick knows she’s ours. Mine and Cain’s. Our girl. I bat down the lust, keeping my carnal desires for her at bay. I don’t want to touch her until I’ve won her back. She’s right; sex means nothing if I can’t have it forever. I don’t just want her body; I want her heart, her mind, her soul. To consume her the way she consumes me.

I step toward her bedside table and place my lyric book there for her to find. I’m not sure if it’ll do anything, but it’s a step. A vulnerable attempt to get my family back.

“You need to pick a safe word, but you know we don’t have to do this, right? I mean, vanilla is fine. Cain and I can do the other stuff. You don’t need to. What we were doing was great,” I said.

Billie had caught Cain and me. My fear ran rampant, thinking that she was freaked out. Our little menage was already unconventional, but to witness me tied up while he took a crop to me must have freaked her out. I wasn’t sure Billie had even seen a dick before us.

“Can I ask you something? Well, two things.”

I knelt in front of her, taking her hands in mine. “Billie Goat, you can ask me anything.”

“Why do you call me Billie Goat?”

“Does it bug you?”

She shook her head. “No. I mean, I get why Cain calls me Tinkerbell. I’m super short compared to him, but why Billie Goat?”

“You taught me how to be grateful,” I chuckled, rubbing the back of my head. “I was the mean, angry troll. Miserable. Out to burn the world down. I only went to those Nar-Anon meetings to get into your pants, but they helped. Talking to you helped me understand that I needed to appreciate the good and be grateful for it. You came along and humbled my ass like the goats did with the troll. So I thought the name suited you. What’s the second question?”

Billie looked away from me, a light blush covering her skin. “What’s it like? The sex between you and Cain. Why do you like it? It looked as if he was hurting you.”

“With Cain, I’m safe. He’d never hurt me. We have an unspoken understanding that I control my environment by surrendering to him. It’s good to not worry about anything and have someone else take the reins.”

Billie nodded. “Okay. I’ve picked my safe word.”

“Remember, it has to be something you would never randomly say during sex. Don’t pick things like stop because that won’t work with certain scenes.”

“Family. That’s my safe word.”

I smiled at her. “That’s an interesting word,”

Billie shrugged. “It’s how I see you and Cain. My dad is great, but he works so much that I only see him two weeks a year. He’s like a traveler popping by to say hello. And my mom, well, you know what that’s like. She’s so hopped up on her pills that some days, she doesn’t even recognize me. I’ve always been lonely. At least, I was until you and Cain. The word family seems fitting because that’s how I feel when I’m with the two of you. That I finally have a family. Saying that word if things get too much and knowing you’ll stop is perfect because family puts the needs of those they love over theirs.”

That was the moment I fell fast and deep in love with Billie Richmond and never stopped.

I take one more look at my girl before kissing her head. “I’ll get you back, Billie.”