Chapter 36

I wake the next morning to Moose groaning in his sleep. His paws are moving like he's running in a dream. I consider waking him, but I'm not ready to pull him back to reality quite yet. After spending my entire life afraid of sleep, I finally understand that it is not dreaming that I should fear. It is reality.

Dreams end the moment you open your eyes. The monsters can't catch you. The mistakes will have no repercussions. It is a land unto itself. But what happens during the waking hours cannot be undone. Whatever knowledge you come across cannot be unlearned. Whatever scars you gain cannot be unmade. What's done is done.

Guylita was arrested for attempting to help me, as was the lady from the market. And in my gut, I know that I am responsible for Paul's bitter end. I can't change any of it.

I want to scream and cry and melt into the earth. The walls of my heart feel like they might rip at the seams. How can I go on living in this palace, pretending that everything is alright? Knowing that keeping me ignorant of my fate is worth more than the lives of other living, breathing people?

I simply cannot.

I cannot accept the arrangement made by my parents. I don't know where I'll go, but I finally found the clarity that I needed to make a choice.

I choose me, whatever that means.

I refuse to live in a world without trust, to be a pawn in a game where the rules are clear to everyone but me. Here, all of the choices are made for me. And if I step out of line to choose for myself, then other people bear that cost. I won't stand to let it continue. From now on, the future answers to me.

The sun is just barely peaking over the horizon when I open the curtains. Its glimmering rays touch my skin and try to soothe me, coaxing me out into a world unknown. Inviting me to partake in a new adventure.

I will no longer be Radya, the orphan, or Radya, the future queen of Mendacia. I can be whoever I want to be. Radya, Moose's mom. Radya, the school teacher. Radya, the painter. Radya, the woodworker. Radya, the crabby old witch that lives alone in a hovel.

A spark of hope burns bright in my veins as I imagine the endless possibilities.

A small voice in the back of my mind whispers, I'm coming.

I hear it and hold onto it, yearning with anticipation, as I grab a piece of parchment and a quill and scrawl a message to Gemma and Viola.

G & V,

You mean the whole world to me.

Thank you for being a light in the darkness.

Thank you for showing me that life goes on.

If we cross paths again, I'll scoop you into my arms and never let you go.

Be well,

R

I tuck the note underneath the candle on the nightstand, knowing that I will leave soon after informing Vani and Eleanor of my decision. I won't search for them to say goodbye, for it would only make leaving that much harder.

What about Olly? Our relationship is complicated - maddening, even. But he has been a friend to me. And my decision affects both of us. I need to be face-to-face to explain why I cannot marry him. A decision that I hope he respects, or at least understands. Maybe I'll be freeing him, too.

That settles it. I'll tell Olly goodbye, and then I'll inform the king and queen.

Peace washes over me as I feel myself untying the binds holding me back. I can let go of this place, and of the idea that I hold some invaluable gift granted by the gods. Only I can determine what makes my life worthwhile.

I pack a satchel that only holds a small handful of clothes, but I do my best to choose versatile options. A pair of trousers, a tunic, some underthings, a pair of sandals, and a soft dress that's easy to move in. I grab the knife left on last night's dinner tray, as well as a canteen. Moose lets out another sleepy groan, and I realize that I'll need to take him with me.

"It's just you and me, Moose."

He perks up at the mention of his name, surveying the room to see if I have anything enticing enough to rouse him from sleep. When he sees that I'm waking him empty-handed, he plops his head back down.

"Come on, Moose. It's time for us to go." I scoop him up off of the bed and place him on the floor beside me. He looks up at me with those big, brown eyes, and, for a second, I think that he might understand. He sits on his hind legs and seems to wait for further instruction.

"Good boy, Moose."

As I grab my things, I pause to look out the great big windows of my bedroom. The bedroom, I correct myself. It's not my bedroom anymore, and I need to let it go. I try to paint the image of the sea in my head to preserve it in my memories. The turquoise water with patches of navy and glittering flecks of alabaster dancing on top. The seagulls squawking as they glide through the air. The briny smell that wafts in the wind. May this landscape become imprinted on my heart.

Maybe I should just follow the sea for as long as possible. I can keep walking until I find a good place to settle on the coast.

"Would you like to live in a cottage on the sea, Moose?" He nuzzles his nose against me, which I take as a yes. "Great, sounds like a plan. Now, come on."

He follows me out the door without looking back. Together, we walk down the sea-side hallway toward Olly's room on the opposite end of the palace. The same hallway that seemed so big when I first arrived. Only, it doesn't scare me anymore. It's just a building made of stone, no matter how many decorations you add.

The closer we get, the faster my heart starts to beat. I shake out my hands to release some of the tension, what little good it does.

Breath, Radya. You can do this.

When I finally reach his room, the door is slightly ajar. I hear Olly's laugh coming from the inside. It's not a laugh of good humor. It is sultry and lush. And when he gasps, I can tell that his breathing is heavy.

Am I interrupting something?

It doesn't matter.

Whatever is happening on the other side of this door is none of my business. I'm going to leave this palace and never turn back, so why should I care who Olly spends his time with? He is in the privacy of his room. And, even if I had accepted the marriage, the queen mentioned that I might find pleasure on my own, as well.

‘It is not a love match,' she said.

My heart pangs nonetheless.

I want to see who it is. Don't I deserve to know who else he spent time with while our engagement was still pending?

I'm going to regret this.

I peek my head through the crack of the door and get a glimpse of Olly's muscular back writhing and flexing. His knees are spread on either side of someone underneath, but all I can see is their feet sticking out beneath the blanket. He bends his chest down toward whoever lies beneath.

I have no right to feel this stinging jealousy. I'm abandoning him, not the other way around. And yet, I am frozen by the ice-cold envy seeping into every muscle. On so many occasions, I wanted him to kiss me. To show me the attention that he's so freely giving to someone else. How long has this been going on? Was he pushing me away because his heart already belonged to somebody else?

As I try to regain the use of my limbs, my satchel falls out of place on my hip and slams against the wall. Olly's head snaps back to look over his shoulder, still leaning over his lover's body. Our eyes meet, and all of the blood rushes to my head . Oh, gods.

He straightens, leaving his gaze planted on me. His jaw is clenched so tight that his teeth might shatter from the tension. His furrowed brow reveals a puzzling flurry of emotions, ranging from anger to fear, or something in between. The person below him shifts into view, and I think that I might faint.

The person looking back at me isn't some foolish girl hoping to score the prince's heart.

It's Landers.

"Are you kidding me?" Those are the only words that I'm capable of articulating, it seems.

"Radya, wait." Olly flies off of the bed, rushing to throw a shirt on before approaching me. "Just listen to me for a minute."

"Landers? Really? What could you possibly say to change the fact that you lied to me? You made me shake his godsdamned hand and drink his mead while parading me around in front of him. No wonder he hated me! I am so stupid!" The fact that Olly had lovers was somewhat palatable, but knowing that it was Landers feels like a knife to the chest. That's not a fling on the side. They are attached at the hip! I can just hear them making jokes about how weak and easily manipulated I am. How did I not suspect it? He hated me from the moment we met. "Did you ever have any interest in me at all, or was I just part of some manipulative power game to bend me to your parents' will?"

He kissed me. He kissed me and then pulled away, teasing me every chance he got. He made me want him, whether I was willing to admit it or not. Oh gods, my head is spinning.

"You silly, silly girl." Landers swaggers out of bed, flashing a smug grin. He looks so eager to release the words he's been dying to say – to tell me that Olly was always his. Though, hadn't he told so much already?

‘Only his special friends call him Olly,' he'd said.

"How could I be so blind?" Tears fill the backs of my eyes.

"I'm sorry that you found out this way," Olly says with his focus narrowed on a single spot on the floor, looking bashful but not regretful.

"That's all that you're sorry for?" Unbelievable. Did he ever even consider that this might hurt me?

He rubs his jaw with his thumb and forefinger before looking up at me. "I'm sorry for making you think that we could have a real relationship." His cold voice matches his hardened face. By the gods, I've seen tax collectors show more emotion than him right now.

"It doesn't matter now," I manage to say as my whole body deflates. I'm too tired to continue, exhausted by all of the bitter truth flogging my broken heart."I was on my way to tell your parents that I'm done. I cannot accept this arrangement."

His eyes bulge for a split second before sealing shut like he's scanning his brain for a way to turn this all around. "Radya, you can't walk away from this. I'm sorry that I lied to you. I'm sorry that I led you on. But you can't leave." His tone is pleading, begging. He grabs both of my hands, gripping them hard and daring me to look him in the eyes. "Stay. I promise that there will be no more games. Our relationship will be strictly professional. What you do in your personal life will be your own business. We can live our lives separately. But the marriage must continue."

When I try to pull my hands away, he grips harder and continues, "My parents raised me to be your husband. That was the only choice I ever had. I begged and pleaded for a way out, but they refused to bend. I was never allowed to give my love to anyone but you. I tried to love you, Radya. I really did."

Landers scoffs. "The heart is a funny thing, isn't it?" The sound of his voice lands like a punch to the gut.

I never meant anything to Olly. He didn't want a future with me. He needed it. He even told me so himself. I was too blind to see it. All he had to do was seduce me with stolen kisses, and I fell for it like a fool.

"You can marry anyone else in this kingdom, Olly. Landers included. Just not me." My clothing is starting to feel unbearably itchy on my skin. My knees are threatening to give out.

"No." The word slips out of him like a command. "It has to be you."

"Are you kidding me? Olly, this cannot continue. I just saw you mounting a man that I loathe. I will not be a third party to your relationship, not after all of the lies that led up to this. If you had been honest, about this or anything else, then things might have been different. But it's far too late. You must know that." I shake my head to wipe away the emotions clouding my judgment. I came here for a reason, regardless of what's going on here. "I only came here to say goodbye."

"You don't have a choice." He unsheathes a golden dagger and starts twirling it around, and a devilish smile forms on his lips. "You and I are destined for this marriage, no matter our wishes."

Landers is glowing with half-naked satisfaction behind him.

"Why? Why does it have to be me? Just set me free, I beg of you." The tears begin to fall one after the other, streaming down my face like a river.

"You want to know why you're so special, Radya?" He takes a step toward me, firming up his grip on the dagger. The energy around him darkens as if shadows emerged to rest on him like a cloak. My breath hitches.

Landers steps forward with a dangerous, wild-eyed gleam in his eyes.

A pulse of fear strikes through me, urging me to run, but I'm glued to this spot. Moose starts to growl behind me, and I worry that he might try to attack Olly. Maybe he would deserve it, but with that dagger in his hand, I fear more for Moose than for Olly.

"Quiet Moose." I take a deep breath and try to summon courage from my core, doing my best to ignore the menacing way that his fingers are stroking the ruby hilt. "Tell me."

Before I have time to move, before I have time to think , Olly lunges toward me with the tip of the dagger pointed in my direction. The golden weapon pierces my skin, coaxing warm, red liquid onto my shirt. Blinding pain radiates through me, blurring my vision in a dizzying blitz, as he pulls the bloody dagger from my abdomen.

Prince Allwyn Delusia, the future King of Mendacia, just stabbed me.