21. Reeves

twenty-one

Wearing jeans ripped in the knee the honest way, from hard work and long days, I hopped out of my tractor, and wiped the sweat that never receded off my neck. It was early spring, but a heat wave moved in, and I scrambled to get my sunflowers in.

I couldn't stand the sight of this field from my window. It reminded me of Erralee, and I refused to reminisce. After consulting with Weston, who really didn't seem to have much expertise in farming to weigh my decision, I filled the field with sunflower seeds with the goal of bringing color back to this spot. I think Weston's go ahead might have been more about me needing to move on, than grow anything that made money, but either way, the flowers got planted.

One thing I know, God has a funny sense of humor. When I planted this field, I started close to my house, trying to fill it in the most orderly way. Wouldn't you know it, I ran out of seed right when I got to the end—Erralee's spot. I could have easily gone to town and bought more seed, but God had another idea. He left me a perfect little dugout at the sunflowers' edge, and I wouldn't want it any other way. I can't see this spot from my house anymore, as the flowers camouflage it, but it's there if I ever need a good thinking spot.

I often thought about how I had tried to teach Erralee how to face her fears. My whole thing about when it's the scariest, that's when you jump. It's weird but now with hindsight, I think she was the one helping me, more than I had assisted her.

It's funny how I came to this small town, thinking war was the most inhumane thing a person could experience. I knew now God had sent me Erralee for a purpose. To teach me that no matter where I was in life, there was always more profound hurt. Someone always has it worse. That fact becomes a good reason to not dwell or get stuck on your own sorrows.

I didn't even have nightmares about the war anymore. Now, I struggled with my heartache of finding that perfect person I wasn't allowed to love.

That's a fact I'd never get over.

It wasn't fair.

I wasn't going to lie, I made me tired.

It wasn't even exhaustion of my body. I'm getting my eight hours of sleep, actually sleeping better than I had in years, but this exhaustion was in my spirit.

I was tired of losing out, feeling the compression so hard in my chest.

I was tired of pushing.

It's not like I was giving up on life, or anything.

I was just mentally capped out.

It was a silent battle in my head, and I'd hidden it. Mostly because I stayed away from everyone.

If anyone knew how wrecked I was, they wouldn't want me around. Not that there"s anywhere for me to go. There"s no doctor on the planet that can cure what I had.

But I put my boots on every morning and poured my heart into my work.

Thankfully, the farming had never been better.

King D'Long had invited me to participate in a pilot program, which he finessed just for me. One where I was managing all the royal farmlands' crop rotation and was now on the payroll. Part of me wondered if it was Erralee's plan. The other part thought maybe he had guilt. Either way, it kept my mind busy, spending long days in the field.

With the extra money, I started a fund for a new barn for Hank. Next year, I'd add another horse, so he would have a companion. It wasn't much, but I learned I didn't need much.

The wind softened, twisting around me. DeJa'vu washed over me as I glanced toward the field. I blinked but failed to focus. My eyes knew her, but all I could hear was my heart pounding out, I've found you. My brain didn't even know what that meant. But my soul seemed to know what was happening. Erralee crossed my field, wearing a straw hat, jeans and boots. An oversized white button shirt hung over her jeans and blew in the wind. I blinked several times, waiting for the mirage to go away but it only came closer, and more into focus.

"Hey cowboy," she called out, "I'm ready to work."

"Is that so?" I tilted my head, not quite sure of what game she was planning while still in disbelief over what I was seeing. "Well, you're in luck because I'm in need of some good help."

My heart pounded against my rib cage, warning me not to be fooled. Before I could check my words, I found them tumbling out, "Are you here with King Aswell?"

Without missing a beat, she nodded her understanding of my question. "No, I"m here for someone else."

My lips smashed together, steadying the tremble in my jaw. I wouldn't say my heart had hardened, but it had learned a lesson about letting people in. Her words dangled in the wind, as if they were testing me.

"I ah, didn't get married." She looked at me with wounded eyes, but somewhere in the corner there was a glimmer that lit her expression with something I could only call hope.

I coaxed my head to the side, trying to hear that again. It was forward. Direct and didn't need an explanation. "Is that so?"

A joyless laugh sliced through the silence, and her voice unstable, cracking as it pitched higher. "I was scared. I thought I might miss out on a regular life."

My chin dipped, my body receding as I knew this was too good to be true. She came back to her field, because it was her field, it had nothing to do with me—

"And I hope it's not too late, but I was scared to miss out on a chance with you."

My brow bunched, my gaze fixed on her, seeking clarification. My heart rate picked up a notch as we both locked our gazes on each other. The connection that soared though my brain nearly buckled me.

"Erralee," I said, my words grating like stone on stone. I had started walking forward, but now I was nearly running, not stopping until I had her in an embrace.

"Am I too late?" Her voice crackled as if she was fearful for her life.

This wasn't a time for words.

I lifted her into a shoe-off-the-ground embrace, and Erralee's arms flung around my neck. She fell against me, and the coy smile that graced her lips pressed into my lips, the warmth of her skin on mine buckled my knees, completely undoing me.