12. Garret

12

Garret

Felix and I walked silently back up the steps to my apartment after the adrenaline of witnessing the fire and giving our statements to the police had died down. My legs felt like they had lead weights attached to them. I tried to keep myself calm, but I was fuming about what had happened. I suspected Nelson to be behind the whole thing. I was also dangerously exhausted and mentally drained. It was a lethal combination, the perfect storm that made me an enemy even to myself.

"We need to talk about this Nelson problem," Felix said.

"There's nothing to talk about," I said and unlocked the door to the apartment.

I stepped inside and quickly walked away, heading to the window to glance outside. It was infuriating to see the building across the street turned to ashes.

"What a fucking eyesore," I said and scoffed.

I didn't know why I had said it. It was just my first reaction. I needed to say something to fill the void of silence because the noise in my head was too loud. I felt terrible for Saul. He was going to go through hell and back with the burned down restaurant and trying to pick up the pieces. I hoped the authorities would be able to peg the blame on Nelson somehow, but I didn't want to discuss it with Felix right now.

If he kept pushing me to talk about it, pressing me to my limits, I was going to explode. I could feel it. I knew myself. I couldn't help it. I was like a pot of water filled to capacity and threatening to spill over the brim.

Felix stood behind me. He attempted to cup his hand over my shoulder, but I rejected his soothing gesture and stepped away again.

"Come back here, Garret," he said a little too forcefully for my liking.

"I don't have to do anything I don't want to do," I barked.

"It's not healthy to keep all this gunk in your mind bottled up. You need to vent it. I'm a willing, listening ear," Felix said.

If I hadn't been so on edge already, I might have taken Felix up on his offer to talk. I probably would have responded well to his attempts to pacify me, but not this early in the morning, and certainly not with the river of stress I was currently drowning in.

"I already told you I didn't want to talk about it right now," I said.

Sometimes I couldn't help myself but shut down. Sometimes, it was the only way I felt like I could protect myself.

"At least let me make you breakfast," Felix suggested, eyeing me with that troubled expression as if he was worried about me jumping from the roof or something.

I wasn't looking directly at him, but through the corner of my eye, I saw the pitying way he stared at me. It was maddening, but I bit my tongue hard—until I tasted blood—because I didn't want to have a confrontational, combative argument with him.

I turned to look at him, my hands planted on my hips. It didn't take a rocket scientist to read my standoffish posture, but I had to give him credit for trying to break down my walls.

"All right." I nodded.

"All right?" Felix asked, arching his eyebrows as if he needed more confirmation to proceed.

"I said all right," I announced again. I didn't mean to come off so brazen. I needed to do something to take the edge off. "You can make us breakfast."

Felix relaxed slightly. "Okay, good."

He shuffled to the kitchen and began picking out various items from the refrigerator.

"Do you want bacon and eggs? I could make it with some toast. I make the best toast in the world—"

"Whatever you want to make is fine," I interjected.

He placed the carton of eggs down on the counter. His jaw visibly tightened. He was wearing down. At this point, it was a game that I was playing with myself. I actually wanted to see how far I could push him to the edge before he snapped. I couldn't explain why I was like this. I shouldn't try to sabotage a good thing, but that was just the destructive side of me shining through.

I had serious issues, and I would be the first to admit that. Trying to pull him directly into the abyss with me seemed easier than admitting to him out loud—or to myself for that matter—that I needed him now more than fucking ever.

"I'm just trying to help," Felix said defensively. "I want to get your mind off the things that are stressing you out."

"I'm fine," I lied and stared at the counter.

I had sat down at the counter and was watching him diligently prepare a feast for us that I wasn't sure I was hungry enough to eat in the first place.

Sometimes, it felt like it was easier to just shut down all my emotions before they got a chance to carry me away to another dismal place inside my head. The outcome was already bleak enough. I hated feeling melancholy, but the company of Felix was comforting.

Whenever I felt frustrated about something, I felt disconnected from my body. It was as if my mind and my soul were somewhere else, far away from my physical being. I didn't know how to reattach myself to… myself.

I wondered if I had situational depression. The words were on the tip of my tongue, ready to slip out, but I forced myself to stay silent.

"You have options at your disposal if you want to use them," Felix said.

I couldn't look at him directly. I was afraid of what might happen if I did and saw that pitying stare of his again.

"Don't start again Felix," I said, rubbing my temples.

"Nelson can't be brought to justice if everyone stands idly by and lets him get away with everything," Felix said.

He just didn't know when to let things go.

I lifted my gaze and stared at him for so long that the image of his face began to blur and morph into one solid shape.

"Mind your own business, please," I advised.

"Excuse me?" Felix fixed his gaze on me with a look of pure shock.

I abruptly stood up, nearly toppling my barstool over in the process.

"Just stay out of my life, okay?" I regretted the words as soon as they came out of my mouth, spewing like hot lava.

I was being too harsh with him, but I was like a freight train, an unstoppable force, and the damage was done.

The truth was, I was feeling trapped and worried. I was angry as hell about being subtly threatened day after day. Nelson had been making my life miserable for quite some time. I needed to do something about it, but I didn't want to hear it from other people.

"Maybe you should lie down and rest for a while." Felix's expression was marked with concern. I couldn't believe it. Despite my atrocious behavior, his intentions were too pure to give up on me.

"I don't need to lie down," I argued. "I can't let the bully win, I know that. Just let me think."

"I'm worried about you," Felix said. His tone was sincere, but it still didn't calm me down to hear it.

"You say I need to do something about Nelson," I said. "So? What are your ideas? Let's hear them?"

"I don't—" Felix shook his head and stammered, appearing to be caught off guard by my questions.

"Are you a coward? Do you think that I should just bend over and let Nelson fuck me over?" I took a step forward, but Felix instinctively pulled back. "Do you think I should just let him take away the business that I worked so hard to build on my own, right out from under me?"

He stopped working on breakfast. There were cracked eggs in a bowl and a carton of milk on the counter. There was an open container of bread, just waiting to be placed in the toaster. None of it happened. It was like freezing time to look at it. The damage was already done. There would be no breakfast, and possibly no more Felix either, after the way I was behaving.

"I'm not a coward," Felix declared defensively. His eyes flickered with wounded pride.

He breezed past me in a hurry. It had been the last straw for him.

"Where the hell are you going?" I called out behind him.

Felix opened the front door and stepped outside into the hallway.

"Somewhere that I'm wanted, and that place is clearly not here." He slammed the door with a finality that rocked my bones.

I didn't go after him. I couldn't explain it, but I felt rooted to the floor. I was trapped inside my own head, and my temper and thoughts had temporarily paralyzed me. I couldn't spring into action and race after him like they did in the movies. I could only stand there, stunned at how quickly the argument had escalated.

I began pacing the floors, mainly because I didn't know what else I should do. The movement helped me release the toxic energy festering inside me. I was brooding, and I needed some space until my head cleared.

I walked to the treadmill I had in my guest room and switched it on. I started running on it, and before long I had jogged the equivalent of three miles. I was sweaty and fatigued but calmer. I didn't feel as severed from my body as I had been before.

Felix had made the right decision to leave me alone and let me work out the kinks of my problems by myself for a little while. Once I finally calmed down, it was clear that I had overreacted.

I had handled the situation poorly, and Felix deserved an apology for my behavior. There was no excuse for it, so I grabbed my keys and raced over to his apartment as quickly as I could. I hoped that I'd be able to undo some of the damage I had done.

Felix answered the door looking sullen but willing to hear me out, which brought me immense relief.

"I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for the way I acted this morning," I confessed cautiously.

"It's fine." Felix crossed his arms.

His body language didn't reflect that it was fine, but I kept talking anyway, hoping that I would break through to him eventually.

I was still standing in the hallway outside of his apartment. "Is it okay if I come in for a minute? I don't have to stay long. I just want to give you an explanation, because I feel like I owe you that much."

Felix's expression softened somewhat. "All right," he muttered and reluctantly stepped aside to let me in.

He closed the door behind us, and we walked to his living room and sat down next to each other on the couch.

I lightly touched my hand to his knee. I felt him stiffen, but I didn't release my hand. I wanted him to feel connected to my touch.

I exhaled slowly. "I realize that you were just looking out for me before."

Felix stared at me. If it were any other time, I might have tried to dissect the blank way he was looking at me, but now wasn't the time. I needed to make this right.

"I feel like I need to deal with this Nelson situation in the best way that I know how," I explained.

"What way is that?" Felix's lips curled cynically in the corners.

I tried to ignore his skeptical reaction so I wouldn't get angry again. "I just need to handle it myself. It's my business, not yours. I don't want you to feel like it's your responsibility to dig me out of this hole I'm in."

"Can I just say one thing first?" Felix asked.

I nodded. Who was I to deny him freedom of speech? I didn't want to become the same bully I had always tried to escape from as a child.

"Of course, you can say anything you want," I said and managed to give him a smile. "We don't always have to agree with everything each other says, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't have our own opinions."

Felix cleared his throat, opened his mouth to retort, but must have thought better of whatever it was because he quickly clamped it shut again.

He stood up. I looked up at him. I didn't know why I felt panicked at that moment, but I did. Maybe I sought his approval more than I realized.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to get my laptop. I think it's best if I show you what I've been trying to say all along."

My heart pounded, but I didn't show any apprehension on the surface. "All right."

Felix walked to his office down the hall and came back a few seconds later. I was anxious. My palms felt clammy. I had no idea what he was going to show me, but I already knew I wasn't going to like it.

Felix pushed the power button on his laptop and typed in a website that I didn't recognize.

"Is this some kind of access portal from the contacts you have?" I asked and pointed to the screen.

Felix nodded. "Yes. Look at all of this. These are news reports of various things where Nelson's name just happens to pop up. Gang attacks, mysterious fires, " he emphasized and pointed to an article in particular that captured my attention.

"The Pilsen neighborhood is left scratching its head after a fire broke out in one of the commercial buildings late Wednesday," I began to read the article aloud.

"It wasn't that long ago, either," Felix noted.

I looked at the date. Sure enough, it had only been about a year and a half since the fire.

"A witness in question believes to have seen this man nearby," I read aloud further. There was a sketch of a suspect that dangerously resembled Nelson.

"A string of break-ins in the Milwaukee Commercial Complex has subsequently left at least half a dozen businesses in the marginalized red zone after their cash registers were broken into. The police have very few leads, aside from a surveillance tape that doesn't show the suspects' faces."

"Faces?" I looked up at Felix. "Do you think that he has help executing his crimes?"

Felix nodded. "I'm certain of it."

"That makes sense." I stared off into space as my mind tried to make sense of all this information and digest it properly. "He couldn't have pulled it off by himself. He's too much of an idiot."

"He's dangerous, calculated, and he knows exactly what he is doing," Felix countered cautiously. "There's more." He pulled up a different website.

"These people," Felix began and pointed to the pictures on the screen, "all of them have stated that Nelson Sanderson has used manipulation tactics on them and idle threats in order to push them toward the sale of their businesses."

I frowned and shook my head. I needed extra clarification.

"How can he get away with that when there is so much proof?"

"That's just the thing." Felix's smile was sly. "He influenced them, but made it look like in the end, the victims, the said business owners, made the decision themselves. It was a fine line, a gray area. Nelson didn't cross the boundary, but he sure did edge right up next to it."

My blood was boiling. He couldn't get away with doing this to another person, let alone me. I had to be proactive. I had to stop him before things spiraled even more out of control.

"I have to stop him," I said.

Felix let out a sigh. "This thing… it's bigger than all of us."

"What are you saying?" I eyed him skeptically.

I knew he was treading lightly with me, trying to weave his way toward the best explanation possible. I knew I was treating him unfairly. I should have given him the benefit of the doubt, but I was too angry at Nelson and blind to anything other than seeking justice.

"I really think we should go to the police on this one," Felix mentioned.

"Are you kidding?" My voice was shriller than I intended. "The police are probably involved. "

"I know that you feel like this is your debt to settle," Felix said gently, "but I promise you, you don't want to get involved with Nelson any more than you already are."

"He's a bully, and I have to take him down," I reiterated.

I could tell by the look on Felix's face that he already knew it was a hopeless cause to argue against me when I was riled up like this.

"I can see you are determined, so I'm going to drop the subject for now before we start fighting again," Felix said.

I was relieved that he was willing to back off. "That's probably for the best."

Felix closed his laptop. There was an awkward energy between us that I needed to fizzle out.

I glanced over at him. He was looking at his lap, being quiet. I enjoyed his company, even in the silence.

"Are you going to come to the club tonight?" I asked, hoping that I sounded enthusiastic enough for him to want to join me there later.

He turned his head and looked at me. Sincerity flickered in his eyes. "Of course." He sounded surprised that I would even ask.

"Good." I nodded, looking out the window.

I realized then that the foundation between us was stronger than I had given it credit for in the beginning. Sure, we had argued, but a little back and forth bickering on an already touchy subject didn't change the fact that we were blossoming in our relationship.

Felix walked me to the door, but things still felt strained between us. Maybe we weren't making as much progress as I had assumed.

Were we even building anything other than a rocky relationship that was destined to fail? I hated going back and forth with myself. It was like every thought in my head was a ping pong ball on a string, bouncing from one idea to the next.

As if reading my mind, Felix lingered in the doorway, staring at me.

"What?" I finally asked. I hated being left in suspense.

"I just want to point something out before you go," Felix said.

"Okay…" I trailed off as trepidation began to increase in my mind.

"I find it odd that you want to know everything there is to know about me and be my Dom, but yet, you aren't willing to reciprocate by allowing me into your life at all. It has to be an equal partnership in order for this to work."

Felix gave me a fiercely bold look that I had to admire. He meant what he said with absolutely no regrets.

Before I had time to think of an answer, my phone started ringing. It was Carol.

"I'm sorry, I have to answer this, it's work," I said hastily.

Felix nodded, standing there stoically as he stared at the floor.

"Hello?" I said into the phone.

"I need to show you the books," she urged.

I looked at Felix and we locked eyes.

"I'll be right there," I said to Carol. "This is important, but I want to finish our conversation later," I explained to Felix.

Felix nodded. His jaw was tense. "Fine."

I hesitated to kiss him, but I did stroke the small of his back once before I turned to walk away. I wanted to give him more, I just wasn't sure how to do it yet. I had to pull myself out of the trenches of these nightmare issues encircling my club before I would be able to focus on anything else.