Chapter 71

71

ZACH

By the time we went to bed that night, I felt like I had been wrung out to dry. I'd spent most of the afternoon researching signs and symptoms of PTSD, and now my brain felt like it was going to explode with information. For his part, Jason had stuck by my side all afternoon, showing extreme amounts of patience each time I rattled off some new fact I had discovered. By dinner time, he made me put my phone down and take a break. We ate grilled chicken and corn on the cob on the deck, then, after taking a dip in the lake, I was right back on my phone, unable to let go of the quest for more information. I had a visceral need to know what was going on with my mind and the best strategies for dealing with it.

"What I don't understand is how I didn't know this about myself until now." We were lying in bed with the lights out, presumably to sleep, but I couldn't turn my brain off despite my exhaustion. "When I look at all the patterns in my life, it's so obvious. Nightmares. Brain-fog. I really struggled with that in college and just thought it was stress from trying to get caught up, but looking back, it lasted a lot longer than I think something like that typically would. And I've always been a moody bastard, though I suppose I hid that most of the time. Of course, faking it to the world when you actually feel like you're coming unglued on the inside is another sign."

Jason's arm tightened around me, but I barreled on. I was on a roll now.

"It got worse after Mom's accident, but it wasn't until after Drea's that the symptoms really amped up. I had that panic attack at the hospital, remember? I had a few more once I returned to California, but since I was able to get myself back under control, I just attributed it to stress. Then there was the dissociating. I'd be talking to Clayton and just completely check out, or I'd be sitting in class, an hour would go by, and I wouldn't remember a single thing the professor had said."

"Oh my God!" I sat up in bed, dislodging his arm and throwing the covers off me. "Do you think this has something to do with why I ghosted you? It has to, right? What else would explain the fact that even though I wanted to call you, I just couldn't?" I climbed out of bed to pace, too agitated to sit still. "It has to be related, right? And if it is, all of this could have been avoided if I'd just picked up on the signs sooner."

I stopped pacing and turned to face him. He'd turned the light on when I'd gotten out of bed and was now sitting up with the covers pooled around his hips, eyes wide with concern.

"We lost so much time because of what I did. Because of how I hurt you. Jesus, because of how I hurt myself." I scraped my fingers through my hair and climbed up on the bed, kneeling in front of him. "How much time was wasted over something that might have been prevented? We could have been?—"

Jason put his fingers over my lips, effectively stopping my spiral. "Stop, honey. You're getting worked up over something you had no control over."

He took my hand, his touch grounding me, and I immediately felt a little steadier. Like I was no longer going to fly apart, all the pieces of me scattered in the wind.

"Maybe things would have been different had we known what to look for, or maybe the accident would have triggered you in a different way. Either way, what happened in the past doesn't change the fact that I love you now ." He brought my hand up to his lips and brushed them across my knuckles. "We're only looking forward, remember?"

"I want that, J. I want so badly to move on and focus on the future, but the past keeps creeping up on me, and I can't help but wonder if it will happen again. What if I get triggered and ghost you? Or, I don't know, I dissociate and pull away?"

"Do you really think that will happen again?"

"No. But I never would have thought I would have done something like that the first time."

"Okay, but the difference is that now we know what we're battling, so we can educate ourselves and put in the work to get you as healthy as you can be. And we learn to watch for the signs. You work on asking for help and I work on how I can support you better."

"I'm scared, J. My feelings for you back then felt big, but they're nothing compared to the way I feel about you now. It feels like so much more is at stake."

He pulled me closer until I was sitting in his lap, facing him with my legs wrapped around his waist. "I suppose there is more at stake. But that's not necessarily a bad thing. Because this time, you're not doing it alone. You have me. And as much as I loved you back then, I didn't fight for you."

"J, it's not your?—"

"No, honey. I could have flown out to California. I could have made Drea tell me when you were going to be home, and I could have confronted you. Hell, I probably could have figured out how to contact Clayton and pushed my way back into your life. My gut told me something wasn't right, but I let the hurt override everything else because it was easier than doing the work to figure it out.

"But now those high stakes mean I'm invested. And I'm not ever letting uncertainty or doubt come between us ever again. So your battles…those are my battles too. We put in the work together. And if you ever start pulling away, or you ghost me, you can count on the fact that I'm going to do everything in my power to find you. To fight for you. To fight for us ."

A sob escaped me as I threw my arms around his shoulders, clinging to him as all the emotion I'd been holding on to finally spilled over. Months and years of grief and guilt came pouring out of me, along with all the fear and worry I hadn't even realized I'd been holding in. It was as if today's revelations had unlocked something I'd only previously allowed myself to feel in small, contained doses.

Except for the panic attacks I'd had over the years. Those hadn't felt small or contained. I supposed those were my body's way of releasing the pressure when I hadn't allowed it to escape in a healthier manner, like a volcano venting closer to the base rather than a full eruption.

This felt like an eruption. Only instead of spewing lava and ash, it was tears and hiccuping sobs and snot. Jason held me through it all, rubbing my back as he rocked me back and forth. This time, he didn't shush me or try to help me with my breathing. He simply let me ride the wave, recognizing that this wasn't a panic attack but rather a cleansing. Something necessary if we were ever going to move forward.

Eventually, my tears subsided, leaving me feeling even more exhausted than before. I pulled back, climbing out of his lap so I could grab a couple of tissues off the bedside table. "I feel like I'm forever either thanking you or apologizing to you for an outburst."

I wiped at my eyes, then blew my nose. I had to look like an absolute disaster, but I couldn't bring myself to care at this point.

"It might seem that way lately, but I've had my own share of stress and heartache over the years. I still have to practice my breathing when heading to a car accident scene. The night of Sean's fire, I sat in my truck outside the firehouse and cried for ten minutes. It wasn't the first time I lost it over losing someone in a fire, nor will it be the last. There will be moments when I need you to do for me just what I'm doing for you now." He tapped my nose with his finger. "Being in a relationship, loving each other, means it goes both ways."

Jesus, could this man be any more perfect?

"Did you just boop me?"

He chuckled. "I guess I did. You ready to try to sleep?"

As if on cue, I was overcome by a massive yawn. Jason pulled back the covers so I could slip under them. I slid onto my side, tucking my hand under the pillow while he pulled the blankets over us and draped his arm over me. He pulled me into him, the big spoon to my smaller one, my absolute favorite way to sleep.