Chapter 7

7

ZACH

AUGUST

I sat on the edge of the dock, swishing my feet through the water and contemplating everything that had transpired over the last couple of years. I thought about little things like making team captain of my club soccer team, winning homecoming king, and going to State with the Astaire soccer team this year. Even though I'd only played for Astaire this past season, going to State had still been a cool experience.

I thought about the big things, the life-changing moments that had forever sent my life down a different path. My mom's passing, moving to Astaire, choosing to attend UCLA. And in the last couple of months, my friendship with Jason. Odd that a friendship that had only developed in the last six weeks could feel so life-changing.

When I thought about leaving this place, about what I would miss, it was the sound of Drea's laugh and the way she could read me better than anyone. The way she acted like every other fifteen-year-old girl one moment, then came at me with the wisdom of a forty-year-old. It was my Aunt Amy and the way she looked out for us. She hadn't tried to be a replacement for Mom, but she'd been there when we needed her. She'd taken me shopping yesterday for things for my dorm room when she'd found out my dad hadn't done it yet.

And it was my morning runs with Jason. Meeting him on the trail as the sun rose had become the best part of my day. Whether we ran in silence with only the sounds of our feet slapping against the pavement and the rhythm of our breathing or if we chatted about the happenings of the people in our small town, those runs had been comforting, like pulling on a hoodie fresh from the dryer.

It was the people I was going to miss. I hadn't wanted to move to Astaire, hadn't wanted to leave my childhood home and my friends, but this small town had welcomed me, and I'd made good memories here in a way I hadn't been able to in the aftermath of Mom's death.

Unfortunately, the one person who hadn't quite made the list was my girlfriend. Leslie and I had started dating shortly after the Fourth, and while I'd enjoyed hanging out with her, my feelings for her weren't strong enough to withstand a fifteen-hundred-mile long-distance relationship, and I'd gotten the feeling she wanted to give that a try.

I would have to figure out how to break it to her gently. I was dreading it. I cared about her enough to not want to hurt her but not enough to continue with a relationship I wasn't interested in. Hopefully, she'd understand.

I heard the smack of flip-flops approaching from behind me but didn't bother turning to see who it was. I didn't need to look to know it was Drea, who always seemed to know when I was in a contemplative mood. She slipped off her sandals and settled beside me, dipping her lavender-painted toes in the water. She sighed as she rested her head on my shoulder but didn't speak.

The sun's rays streaked low across the lake, cutting through the trees and casting everything in a golden light. I watched as a pair of dragonflies chased each other across the surface of the water before flitting off into the distance.

"I'm going to miss you, big brother."

"Same, sis." I put my arm around her, squeezing her into my side. "Even if you are a pain in my ass."

She snorted and pulled out of my grasp. "I think you have that backwards."

"I'm not a pain in the ass. I'm a delight."

"You're full of shit, is what you are."

I shoved her playfully, and she laughed, just as I'd intended.

"It's going to be quiet. Just me and Dad." She looked down, playing with the edges of her cutoff shorts.

"I hate that I'm leaving you here to deal with him by yourself." The edge in my tone was harsher than I'd intended, but it had been weighing on me for months, and I was struggling to contain it.

"He's not always as bad as you make him out to be."

I snorted. "You always defend him."

"Because he's not as bad as you think. He loves you, you know, even if he doesn't do a great job of showing it."

"How do you know that, Drea? Did he tell you?" I laughed without any trace of humor.

"He didn't have to," she said softly.

My eyes suddenly burned with unshed tears. I hated how much I wanted him to love me, even now. No matter how much I told myself it didn't matter, that my path was my own to walk, with or without his support, it always came back to whether or not he cared . I could take all those little digs, critiques, and criticisms if I knew that underneath it all, they came from a place of love. Of a misguided attempt to make sure I was taking the best path. But it didn't feel that way and hadn't for a long time.

Hell, I wasn't sure if he even liked me.

"Just promise you'll let me know if he starts in on you. Tell me you'll call or text if he starts mistreating you."

She looked at me, sadness written all over her face. "I will, but I don't think I'll have to." She attempted a smile, though it was a little watery. "Besides, I've got Aunt Amy and Mandy. What are you going to do about it all the way from California?"

"I'll call Jason and have him come over and kick Dad's ass."

"Jason. You're going to have Jason kick Dad's ass." It was said as a statement, her tone dry with complete disbelief. "He may look like he'd win in a fight, but I'm willing to bet he's never laid a hand on anyone in his life."

"You might be right, but he could at least look intimidating."

She shook her head, but her face turned serious once again. "What's going on with you and him?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You talk about him all the time. Spend more time with him than anyone else, even more than with Leslie."

I shrugged, unsure what she was getting at. "He's my friend. Besides, the Leslie thing is about to fizzle out."

"Shocking," she said, her tone dry once again. "No one could see that coming when you started dating her a month before you leave for school."

"Shut up. It just sort of happened. I wasn't looking for it."

"Nope. But she was."

"What are you saying?"

"Nothing. I like Leslie."

I gave her a hard side-eye.

"Stop it! I do. I just think she's a little unrealistic in her expectations for this whole thing. And I think you're oblivious to it."

"Maybe. Or maybe I'm just a selfish asshole who enjoyed having someone around who actually paid attention to me."

"You're not an asshole. At least not most of the time. You're just…"

"What? Please tell me," I said sarcastically. "What am I?"

"I think you're lonely."

I pulled my feet out of the water, ready to bolt up the dock and out of this conversation, but she put her hand on my knee, stopping me. She'd hit a little too close to home, and I didn't like the lump that had formed in my throat as a result.

"It's okay. I'm lonely too."

Even as words of denial bubbled up, I knew it was true. I'd seen that faraway, haunted look she sometimes got, even in a crowd of people. I recognized it because I felt it too. And though I thought I did a pretty good job hiding it, I'd never been able to hide anything from my sister.

"I'm scared, sis. I'm scared to leave, and I'm scared to stay."

"It's not like you're leaving forever. You can always come back here. You'll always have a home."

I looked across the lake, where the sun edged toward the horizon. It felt symbolic, that sunset. The close of a day, of one chapter of my life, in order to rise again the next. "I think my home is wherever you are, sis. You're right. I am lonely. But I'll always have you. We'll always have each other."

She laid her head on my shoulder again, and we watched as the sun slipped lower and the fireflies began winking across the lake.