Chapter 54

54

JASON

It had been nearly a week since I'd dropped Zach off at his house following Mom's fall. The sprain had been minor, and Mom was well on the mend, thankfully. My thoughts regarding Zach were much more complicated.

It had been so much easier to be angry. To be full of self-righteous fury. To see him as a cold-hearted asshole who'd cut me off without a word. Even when he first tried to explain himself, it had sounded weak, further cementing my own conclusions about his character. It hadn't mattered that painting him as a cold and calculating villain didn't jive with the guy I'd known and loved. His betrayal hadn't jived with that guy either, so it was clear my original assessment of his character wasn't to be trusted.

And then I watched him battle his own demons to support a kid he didn't even know. Offering compassion and hope in a place that was clearly difficult for him. I watched how he helped my mom, showing genuine concern for her well-being. He could have fled the scene the moment I arrived, but instead, he stayed to help, going above and beyond by following behind with her car. And in the conversation afterward, he apologized once again, patiently answering my questions, never denying his responsibility for what had happened between us.

It left me mired in confusion. The image of Zach I'd seen last week was much more consistent with my memories of the guy I'd fallen in love with all those years ago. So, what about the guy who ditched me without a word? Where did that leave the villain in my story?

I wasn't sure of the answer, but in the last five days, I'd realized I very much wanted to find out.

I pulled into the high school parking lot around nine. I told myself I was only there to check in on Sean, but even I didn't believe my own bullshit. I'd woken up this morning with a burning need to see Zach. To try to reconcile my memories of him with the guy he was now. To verify that my image of him as a good person had been real. And if that were true…well, I wasn't sure where I'd go from there, but I had to know. And when I remembered the soccer camp started this morning, I hadn't been able to let go of the idea of stopping by.

As I stepped out of my truck, I turned my ball cap to the front, attempting to block out some of the late June sun already beating down on the asphalt. I hoped they had plenty of water down at the field. It was going to be a hot one.

I made my way down the steps to the soccer field, sliding into the row beneath the box so I could sit in the shade. I surveyed the field, impressed with the amount of activity. Middle school-aged kids had been divided into groups of six or seven and assigned to skill-based stations where coaches took them through drills.

I scanned the field, looking for Sean, but like a homing beacon, my attention was instead drawn to Zach standing on the sideline, talking with another coach. The guy said something, and I watched Zach tip his head back and laugh, the sun glinting off his sunglasses. My confused heart lurched at the sight.

He looked down at his watch, then blew a long whistle, shouting for everyone to come over and grab some water. They had pop-up canopies set up for everyone to grab some shade while they took their break, and I watched as kids clumped in groups, laughing and teasing each other while drinking out of their water bottles.

Finally, I spotted Sean standing with another boy farther down the field. They were talking, though less animatedly than some of the others, but I was relieved to see that he had at least one friend.

"Hey, stranger. Fancy seeing you here."

I turned in surprise to find Drea standing next to me, leash in hand, with a medium-sized dog of an indiscernible breed by her side. The dog's tail wagged a mile a minute. I'd been so distracted that I hadn't even heard them approach. I automatically reached out to give the dog a scratch and it stepped forward, leaning into my hand, tongue hanging out enthusiastically.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, squinting into the sun in confusion as I looked up at her.

"Same thing as you, I'm guessing."

"Checking on Sean?" I raised an eyebrow in challenge, knowing damn good and well that was not who she meant.

She sat next to me on the bench, completely unfazed by my sarcasm. "Sean's the kid you guys rescued last week?"

"Yeah." I nodded in his direction. "He's the taller one toward the end with the dark mop of hair."

"Zach was so nervous he wouldn't show up today. Even though Zach waved his fees, Sean's aunt wasn't sure she'd be able to get him here. I'm guessing the kid Sean's standing with is his cousin. The only way she'd agree to him coming this week was if the cousin could come too so they could ride their bikes up here together. Zach even found clothes and cleats for him to wear since he lost everything in the fire."

I blew out a breath. "The department put the aunt in touch with an organization that could help him with some new clothes, but I hadn't thought about anything soccer-specific."

"It's pretty much all Zach talked about when we had lunch over the weekend. Well, not just Sean, but Daisy and the camp too."

"Who's Daisy?"

"Daisy's the dog you've been petting since I got here. You don't recognize her?"

I looked back at the dog, cocking my head to the side. "Should I?"

"She's Sean's dog. Or she was. You rescued her last week."

My eyes widened as I examined the dog closer. Sean's house had been heavily filled with smoke, making it difficult to see anything clearly. There'd been a dog in the room with him, who'd been barking its head off, alerting us to their position, but I hadn't gotten a good look at it under the circumstances. Everything had been chaotic as we'd worked to get the boy and the dog out safely.

"Seriously? This is Sean's dog? How…?" I trailed off, stunned.

"When Zach spoke to the kid's aunt last week to get him set up to come to camp, she mentioned the dog. Said she couldn't afford to keep her. So Zach went to the shelter and adopted her the next day." I remembered he'd mentioned always wanting a dog, but still, this seemed impulsive.

"How'd you end up with her today?"

She rolled her eyes. "Zach was paranoid about leaving her alone all day for the first time since she's still getting used to her new home. I told him I could take her for the day. He's done at three, and I don't have my first class until four. Oh shit." Her face screwed up in frustration. "I forgot I have an appointment at two-thirty." She started fishing in her bag for her phone. "I'll just have to call and reschedule."

"I can take her." The words came out before I thought them through.

Drea cocked her head. "You want to help out with Zach 's dog? Are you sure that's a good idea?"

I shrugged. I hadn't really thought any of this through. I'd mostly just thought I'd be helping Drea. "We're grown adults. I can have a two-minute conversation with him while I return his dog. It'll be fine."

She stared at me for a long time, making me squirm. "What?" I finally blurted out.

She opened her mouth, then snapped it shut. "Nope. I said I wasn't getting involved."

I let out a sigh. "Drea…don't make this into a thing."

"I'm not making it into a thing. You're making it into a thing."

"How? How am I making it into a thing?"

Apparently tired of all the conversation, Daisy plopped down on the concrete and laid her head on my foot.

"Listen. When I found out Zach was coming back here, I told him I'd kick his ass if he hurt you again. But…"

I followed her gaze to find Zach looking at us. Busted. When our eyes met, his face lit up with a smile and he gave a wave. Then, as if remembering where he was, he turned back toward the field and blew his whistle, signaling for all the kids to drop their water bottles and gather around him so he could give the next instruction.

I turned back toward Drea. "But?" I persisted.

She huffed out a resigned breath. "I don't want you to hurt him either."

"Me?" My voice was incredulous.

"I don't want you to give him false hope. Whatever his intentions are in returning to Astaire, his interest in you is genuine. And you have every right to be pissed at him. I'm still pissed at him sometimes. But if you can't forgive him, if you don't have any intention of having any kind of relationship with him, don't give him mixed signals."

"I'm not…" I trailed off because even as I tried to protest, I realized she might have a point. I'd shown up at his camp uninvited, and now I was volunteering to help with his dog. Dammit. "Look. I'm not trying to lead him on. I'm just…"

"Just?" she prompted when I didn't finish my sentence.

I blew out a breath, trying to figure out how to explain myself. "When he first came back, I was so angry. His presence here dredged up so much pain I thought I'd buried. It was easier to convince myself I hated him. To see him as an asshole who broke my heart."

"I mean, I love my brother, but he kind of was an asshole who broke your heart."

"But he's not really an asshole, is he? The guy I remember wasn't like that. He could be moody sometimes, sure, but he was also kind. He listened. He comforted. Do you know how worried he was about leaving you behind when he went to school? You had such a hard time after losing your mom, and with the pressure your dad put on him… He was worried he'd put that same pressure on you. I just wanted to be the guy who looked out for him since he was so focused on looking out for everyone else.

"I've been convinced for years that my memories of him are distorted. That I made him out to be something he wasn't and it was only when he ghosted me that he showed his true colors. But then I saw him with Sean last week and then again when he helped my mom the next day, and he was that same compassionate guy I remembered. I can't figure it out. Which one is he? Is he the good-hearted guy I loved or the asshole who ghosted me?"

"Can't both be true? Sometimes good people do really shitty things."

"Of course, but we're not talking about someone snapping at me because they had a bad day or sideswiping my car without leaving a note. He sobbed on my shoulder at the airport because he was so upset about leaving me, and then, with the exception of one text letting me know he arrived in LA, I didn't hear from him again until this past April. It's hard to believe those were the actions of the same person."

"Have you guys actually had a conversation about why? Like, has he explained himself to you?"

I snorted. "Just that he wanted to call but couldn't . I don't even know what to do with that, Drea."

She chuckled. "I got a similar explanation when I finally got him to talk to me that spring."

"And you just accepted it?"

It was interesting, now that I was thinking about it, that Drea and I had never talked about this in much detail. I'd known he'd given her the silent treatment for a time and that, eventually, she'd forced him to talk to her. I knew in the vaguest of terms that things had been rocky between them for a while and that they'd slowly rebuilt their relationship. But I'd never pressed for details, and she'd never offered them up. I think we had both understood the topic of Zach was off-limits. Neither of us had wanted to risk our friendship by bringing him into it.

"I didn't accept it at first. I was hurt, just like you are now. But over the years, I realized I wanted a relationship with my brother more than I wanted to hold on to old hurts. I don't know if it helps, but I can tell you he hasn't wavered from his rationale over the years, and I'm pretty sure he holds a lot of guilt for it. In all honesty, my brother probably needs therapy, but I haven't been able to convince him to go."

She said it almost flippantly, but I took a moment to absorb that thought. Could it be possible something deeper was going on that he'd left unresolved all these years? I'd been seeing a therapist regularly since the month after the girls' accident. It was just such a regular part of my life. It was hard for me to remember that not everyone sought out therapy as a matter of course.

I huffed a sigh before admitting another truth I'd been thinking about over the last couple of weeks. "Sometimes I just miss my friend. Part of me wants to let go of it all just for the chance to have that back. Like you said, to let go of the hurt in favor of the relationship." I pulled off my ball cap, running my hand through my hair before putting it back on. "When he left…I didn't just lose my boyfriend. I lost my best friend."

"I know," she said, laying her head on my shoulder. "So what are you going to do about it?"

I watched the kids for a moment, thinking through my response. What did I want to do? It was becoming evident that I couldn't keep my distance, no matter how much I tried not to think about him. And there was a part of me that wanted to understand why he'd left me hanging. To reconcile the guy I loved with the guy who'd left without a backward glance.

"I think I want to get to know him again. I don't know if I can go back to what we once were, but I think I want to at least try to know who he is now. Maybe…maybe then I can move past what he did."

"Are you sure you can handle that? What if you catch feelings? Or what if he does?"

"I'm not stupid enough to think it's not a possibility, but I'm just gonna have to be careful. And I'll talk to him. Let him know where my head's at. I don't want to give him mixed signals."

"You're a good man, Jason Whitt. Some guys might use this as an opportunity to get revenge."

I let out a snort. "I'm not the vengeful type. Who has time for that bullshit?"

"You'd be surprised."