Chapter 28

28

ZACH

JANUARY

Early rays of sunlight filtered through the windows, casting my bedroom in soft light as I lay on my back with my head turned away from the sleeping man next to me. Jason was lying on his stomach, fast asleep, with one arm thrown across my midsection and his bent leg resting on my thigh. I needed to pee, and I was starting to sweat from the furnace of a human wrapped around me, but I didn't dare move for fear of bursting the cozy bubble I'd awoken in.

Tiny snowflakes swirled against the window before being carried away again on the breeze as I contemplated how I'd arrived at this moment. One off-hand comment from Clayton had opened a door I hadn't even realized was there, yet, as I looked back, I wondered if there were signs I'd missed. Had there been moments of attraction to guys I'd missed over the years because I hadn't been open to the idea? Or was I demi like Jason? Did the connection need to be established before attraction could take place?

Neither theory seemed to fit, no matter how far back I looked within myself. One thing I knew for sure was that the attraction I'd felt for girls had been real. That hadn't been faked or forced, making me think I must be bi. I remembered hearing about some sort of scale for sexuality and figured I just landed more on one side than the other rather than directly in the middle or on either end.

Not that any of that really mattered. The how or why didn't really make a difference to me, only that I was here in this moment, feeling more alive, more me than I had since before Mom passed.

God, she would have loved him. His gentle spirit. His kindness. His warmth. His sneaky humor. She wouldn't have cared that he was a guy, only that I was happy.

My dad, on the other hand…well, I honestly wasn't sure what he would think. Despite our tendency to butt heads, he'd never given me a reason to think he'd be homophobic. Not that I was planning to come out just yet. Jason and I had talked more last night, lying in the dark with my head on his chest while he stroked a finger up and down my arm. We'd discussed where we wanted this to go and who we wanted to tell. We'd agreed we wanted more time to explore this thing between us on our own terms and timeline before we shared it with others.

As he'd placed gentle kisses in my hair, we'd agreed our friendship was the core of this relationship and must be preserved above all else. And while we didn't want to label this thing between us just yet, we also agreed we wouldn't see anyone else while we figured it out.

Talking had given way to kissing, and while hands had roamed and mouths had explored, neither of us had ventured below the waist. Even as I'd ached for release, ached to touch him, ached for things I hadn't even begun to imagine, there'd been relief in the restraint. We weren't ready. I wasn't ready. And so we'd made out until the need for sleep eventually took over. I'd rolled onto my side and he'd pulled me into him, the little spoon to his big one, and with a sigh, we'd let sleep take us.

Now, in the light of day, I examined my feelings more closely, determining that nothing had changed. In fact, if anything, I felt… more . I didn't know how to put a name to it exactly. Love seemed too strong a word, though if I were really honest with myself, I thought perhaps we were headed there. Yet, my feelings, whatever they might be, felt stronger than yesterday. This was more than friendship, more than simple attraction, just… more .

"I can feel you thinking," Jason's deep voice grumbled into my shoulder, causing me to turn my head back toward him with a smile.

"Hey, sleepyhead."

"What time is it?" he mumbled.

"I don't know. I can't see a clock while someone has me pinned to the bed."

The arm resting across my midsection squeezed harder as if he were afraid my words had been a threat to get up. It made me smile, even as I winced at the additional pressure on my bladder. It seemed a good sign that he was still on board with us continuing to explore this thing we had going.

"It feels good waking up wrapped in your arms. Thanks for staying last night."

We'd had a bit of a disagreement when I realized he had originally planned to go home shortly after midnight. Neither he nor Mandy had packed a bag, but Drea and I had insisted they stay, and after Mandy texted their parents, they'd agreed to spend the night.

"Mmm. I'm glad you talked me into it." He lifted his head, blinking sleepily at me. "This is nice."

I pressed a kiss to his forehead, letting my lips linger for a moment before pulling away. "Do you have plans for the day?"

He winced. "I do, actually. We always go out to my grandparents' farm and spend New Year's Day with them. We usually watch football and play card games with my cousins, then have ham for dinner with potato casserole." He rolled onto his side, propping himself on his elbow and resting his face in his hand. "You should come."

"I don't know. It sounds like a family thing. I don't want to intrude."

"My family won't care. They love you. Besides, I want to spend as much time with you as possible before you go back."

The air felt heavy with the weight of the reality of our situation. It seemed unfair that I was leaving so soon after finally figuring out there was something between us.

"You're right. I want that time with you too." I tilted my head up for a kiss, and he obliged with a sweet brush across my lips. "But before I do anything, I really need to pee."

Jason chuckled but rolled onto his back, allowing me to get up.

The day spent at Jason's grandparents was one of the best I could remember. It seemed every day I spent with him was better than the last. He had a way of making me feel good. Happy. He made me really fucking happy.

Happiness that had been hard to contain, as it turned out. Now that I'd let all these feelings out into the world, it was nearly impossible to put them back. I found myself struggling not to touch him or drop a kiss on his cheek while surrounded by a room full of people. At least I'd been able to hold his hand under the table at dinner while he'd pressed his knee into mine. It had been a relief to touch him, though it had left me wanting more. I was beginning to think I'd never get enough. It was going to be hard to leave in two days.

"Pretty sure my mom is on to us," he said as we looked out over the fields below.

After dinner, Jason had driven us up to the overlook where he'd surprised me by turning the truck around so the bed faced the view. He'd dropped the tailgate and pulled out sleeping bags and blankets from the back of the cab, making a cozy little nest for us to settle into. For a guy with zero experience with dating, it was romantic as fuck.

I turned and looked at him, his face illuminated by the moonlight. It was chilly out here, but not unbearably cold, especially under all the blankets and with his arm wrapped around me, pulling me into his body heat. "What makes you think that?"

"I caught her staring at us a couple of times with one of those knowing mom-looks, like she knows we're up to something."

"My mom used to get those looks when we were kids. I never got away with anything." He gave me a gentle squeeze, pulling me in closer, and I smiled through the ache. It always hurt to think of her, but I was trying to speak of her more often. She deserved to be known. "Would it bother you? If she'd figured it out?"

"I don't think so. She might think she knows something, but I don't think she'll say anything unless I bring it up. She's always been good about letting us come to her with things in our own time. I never told her I was ace, but not once did she ever pressure me to date. Not even for school dances like some moms do."

"I like your mom. She's fun."

I'd met her several other times, but today was the first time I'd spent any time actually getting to know her. She'd been friendly with a good sense of humor and absolutely cutthroat when we played cards. She may love her people deeply, but she played to win.

"She's the best." He was quiet for a moment, then asked, "Does it bother you that she might know?"

"No. If you're not worried about it, then it's cool. I'm not embarrassed to be with you or because I'm bi. It's not really a coming-out sort of thing. I just…" Jason waited patiently as I struggled to put my thoughts into words. "This thing with you feels…different. It feels…significant. Like every relationship I've ever been in before has been nothing more than scratching the surface of what I think I could feel for you. Of what I already feel."

I blew out a breath, not having meant to go that deep, but also unable to pull the words back. They were true.

"As soon as we let other people in, there's judgment and opinions and interference, even if it's well-intentioned. There's a subconscious need to take other people's feelings into account, and I don't want that. I don't want this to be about anyone other than us . The only person's feelings I care about are yours . I don't want to be concerned with all that other noise."

I chanced a look at him, unsure what I would see. His eyes glistened in the moonlight and he reached out his gloved hand, pulling my chin just a little closer to his. "You're amazing, do you know that?" he whispered against my lips, his breath coming out in little puffs. "Amazing."

He pressed his lips to mine, eyes fluttering closed as we savored the taste of each other. And it was just him and me, kissing by the light of the moon, with only the stars to keep our secrets.