Chapter 13: Wednesday: Hiding out again!

Aargh! I gulped down my coffee and groaned at my aching head. I had the hangover from hell, and I bloody deserved it.

It had been a long few days, and I’d been hiding out once more. That was seriously becoming my M.O., but I wasn’t ready to face Sonia again yet. I’d fucked up, and as a result, I hurt her. I felt like the lowest of the low.

When we arrived home after the kiss at my flat, Sonia ran inside the house and straight to her room. I felt terrible seeing her upset. I wanted to comfort her, but I knew I couldn’t because touching her again would break my resolve to end things before they got any further.

She was right, of course. Our kiss had been utterly amazing, and I had really wanted to take things further, but I forced myself to stop, and I hated myself for it. I knew that stopping things was the right thing to do, but I couldn’t help feeling so bloody angry about it. I’d been in a foul mood ever since.

Ash and I picked up the Peacocks for dinner on Monday night. Luckily, Mrs Peacock took one look at my tight-set jaw and barely controlled rage and realised that simpering and batting her eyes at me would get her nowhere, and quickly turned her full attention to Ash.

It served the bugger right for the other night, I’d thought bitterly as I’d fumed, barely uttering a word throughout the whole meal. Instead, I zoned out, thinking of Sonia and our incredible kiss one minute, and fuming silently over the fact that it could never happen again the next. Thankfully, as it was mainly for the purpose of business, Ash and John Peacock spent most of the time chatting about the family’s next proposed acquisition.

Mrs Peacock hung on Ash’s every word and flirted incessantly with him. John, as usual, pretended not to notice her inappropriate behaviour. I didn’t know how he put up with her, but I guessed the fact she was a silent partner in his real estate business, which he’d opened using a large chunk of the sizeable inheritance left to her by her grandparents, and the fact that their home was in her name, likely played a large part in that. Some people would put up with anything for money.

Of course, it hadn’t taken Ash long to notice my foul mood and ask what was wrong. I told him it was personal. He asked if that meant woman trouble, and when I just growled at him, he simply laughed, having no idea the woman in question was his sister. I doubt he would have found it quite so amusing if he had.

Since my stupid mistake, I’d kept myself busy with the Bratva business and my flat renovations, but I couldn’t stay away forever. I really needed to figure out the best way to handle this situation soon; otherwise, people would begin to notice that I was avoiding going home.

Putting as much distance between Sonia and myself as possible had done nothing to alleviate the situation. I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I hadn’t been able to concentrate on anything. I kept replaying that bloody, wonderful kiss in my mind, torturing myself with things I couldn’t have, dreaming of things that could never happen, and regretting everything that I had.

I shouldn’t have kissed her; I chastised myself for the millionth time. It was the best bloody kiss of my life, and I regretted it because it had altered our relationship forever. Nothing would ever be the same between us again. It couldn’t be, not now we had gone down that forbidden path. Yet nothing had really changed. We could never be. No matter how much either of us wanted to be together, I couldn’t see how that would ever be possible.

There was just too much going against us. I might not be a blood relative, but I was brought up as Sonias cousin, and in fact, her brothers treated me as another brother, so that made things even worse. I expected they would view our relationship as wrong. Even though technically it wasn’t, morally, well, even I was not so sure.

Also, I was older than her, only by seven years, but still older. Her brothers would hate that I was experienced, and she was not. They would probably assume I had taken advantage of her. I could relate to that, as it was what I would think if it were anyone else.

Then there was the fact that just kissing her meant I’d broken the Bro code of friendship and, worse, I’d broken our Blood Brothers pact.

Six of us made a pact years ago. Me, Miki, Ash, Marko, Luca, and Anton. Anton was the only one of us, not actually Bratva, but we were close to him. He knew many of our secrets, and we trusted him. We all hung out together growing up and wanted to be brothers, so we made a pact, calling ourselves the Bratva Blood Brothers.

We’d cut our fingers, merging our blood as we each vowed not only to always have each other’s backs but also to protect each other’s family, and especially our sisters as if they were our own. I doubt having a relationship with one of those sisters would be considered protecting her like she was my own. So, I had broken the code by kissing Sonia and probably just thinking about Sonia in any way other than familial.

Finally, I was Bratva. If I were to let a relationship develop between us, Miki, as our Pakhan, would need to condone it. If he didn’t accept it, the rest of the Brotherhood wouldn’t. If they were against it, I could never be with her. If I pursued her against their wishes, I would end up as an outcast and possibly even dead.

Of course, Miki might accept a relationship with us. If he did, the rest of the family and the Bratva would, too, but the chances of that were low—very low. I couldn’t take the risk.

Then there was the fact that Miki had made some remarks recently that made me think that he might be considering the possibility of an arranged marriage for her in the future. I hated that idea, and I doubted Ash or Marko would like it either, but Miki was pakhan, and his word was law. So, if he made such an arrangement, the rest of us would likely have to fall in line and accept it.

Miki hadn’t arranged anything yet; I knew that for sure, but if it was something he felt would benefit the Brotherhood and he set his mind on that idea, he would be even less likely to entertain the possibility of me being with her. The thought of Sonia with anyone else made my stomach churn and anger spike.

The situation was impossible. I hated that I had hurt Sonia, but it really was best if we left things as they were. If we didn’t go beyond that kiss, she would eventually get over me, and one day, maybe I would get over her. Maybe!

Yet the nagging voice at the back of my head kept telling me that if I didn’t pursue this, I was missing out on the best thing that could ever happen to me. I tried to push it aside, but it was relentless. I wanted to be with Sonia so badly, but there was no way I could be, and that thought filled me with an overwhelming sadness. It was devastating. I knew I had to get her out of my head, yet I couldn’t shake off the feeling that she was meant to be mine.

Fuck! I paced the ground in frustration, then stopped as the room began to spin. Shit. I had drunk way too much, and being over-tired wasn’t helping. I’d been unable to sleep because I had spent so much time thinking about Sonia and our situation. After tossing and turning again last night, mulling everything over, I’d finally succumbed to drinking myself into oblivion. I was paying for that now.

Sighing, I scrubbed a hand over the scruff of my beard. Sonia wasn’t mine, and it was useless to allow myself to believe even for a second that she could be. We were not meant to be together, and the sooner we both accepted that, the better. I had to ignore my feelings for Sonia. There was no choice in the matter.

My gut churned at the thought, but it was the only solution. I was already in way too deep. For me, Sonia was the one woman I could see spending the rest of my life with. I’d been enamoured with her since last year but seeing her again and spending time with her had me already half in love with her. My feelings for her were strong and ran deep.

However, I thought that for Sonia, it was more likely that I was just a crush—an infatuation. She was young and had no experience with men. Surely, she wouldn’t really want to spend the rest of her life with the first man she had a crush on? I would love to believe her feelings went deeper than that, but frankly, it was better for her if they didn’t. I hated that thought, but it would be selfish of me to wish for more.

Sonia would return to University in a few weeks, and things would get easier for both of us. The distance would be good for her, and she would eventually get over me. I would continue submerging myself in work, and eventually, my own feelings would dim, too. I didn’t believe that for a second, but I refused to acknowledge the fact as I showered and dressed.

As I headed out on an errand for Miki, I was determined to keep myself so busy I couldn’t even think. For the rest of the week, when I wasn’t on Bratva business, I would find any excuse to keep far away from my beautiful, sexy Little Miss Trouble.