Chapter 16

Peyton

Ihadn't expected to see a dimly lit dining room with one lone candle on each table. I hadn't expected the white tablecloths or the well-dressed waitstaff with ankle-length aprons. The dining room was quiet except for the low hum of conversation that gave the whole atmosphere a hint of romance that was wholly unexpected.

This was a date, this was an actual date. Despite how forward I thought his words were, I hadn't quite believed it in my heart, telling myself over and over on the ride here not to get my hopes up.

But this was definitely a restaurant you took a dateto. I was pleased I dressed up, I don't know if I had Ellie or one of the club bunnies to thank for my outfit, but I was grateful to whoever added it to the care package.

"Wow," I whispered.

"Impressed, huh?" His words came out in a low whisper right in my ear, and the feel of his hot hand on my lower back sent a shiver through my body.

"Mildly," I answered with a playful smile, but when I turned to face him and found Rocky's face barely an inch from mine, the playfulness turned to heat. White hot, searing heat, the kind that threatened to scorch my panties into dust.

The hostess cleared her throat to get our attention before she led us to a high-backed booth that offered lots of privacy. It was perfect for romance.

Still, I slid into one side of the booth and accepted the leatherbound menu with a friendly smile, hiding behind it because I had no idea what to say right now. Did we engage in basic first date conversation or was this just going to be small talk? Or worse, would we spend the meal talking about who killed Chloe?

"What looks good?"

I shrugged in response as I looked at the menu. "I guess the lamb chops and lobster. The cranberry barbecue sauce sounds interesting."

We mostly stayed silent until the server arrived to take our orders. It was an uncomfortable silence and I started to re-think this night out since it was turning out to be more stressful than staying inside and away from the gorgeous biker across from me.

"Peyton."

I blinked and looked at him with a slow smile. "Rocky."

"Tell me about you."

"What do you want to know? If I have any angry friends or exes who hate me enough to want to kill me but don't know me enough to confuse me and Chloe?"

He grinned. "I was thinking more along the lines of where you're from."

I settled back in my seat, squeezing my fingers together in my lap where he couldn't see them. He was asking me date questions. He wanted to know more about me. "I spent most of my childhood with my aunt in Chicago."

"And before that?"

I couldn't help the way I stared up at him through my lashes, feeling suddenly flustered and coy and maybe even a bit shy. Rocky wasn't avoiding me or fucking me. He was asking about me, he was trying to get to know me better.

"Before that I lived with my abusive father and co-dependent mother." It made me feel a bit nervous, suddenly, this uncharted territory between us. Especially this desire I suddenly had to give him my whole truth. Iwanted him to know me. "There was nothing we could do right, but she insisted we keep trying to avoid pissing him off, which was impossible. One day he got a little too pissed and she ended up in the hospital for a very long time until she passed, and I ended up in Chicago with my aunt."

"Shit, I'm sorry." His brows furrowed, and he folded his hands on the table between us. Where's your dad now?"

I shrugged and looked away. I spoke with confidence, pretending that these were all just facts I could rattle off without being affected. "Prison for a little while, and then who knows. He did seven years for killing my mother and I stopped caring what happened to him."

"What about your aunt? I'm sure she misses you."

I smiled at the mention of Myra, turning back to meet his gaze. "My aunt was awesome. She loved me like I was her own kid and she encouraged me to do whatever I wanted, so that's what I did. She died before she could see me walk across the stage to get my diploma."

His hand reached across the table and landed on top of mine, his fingers brushing back and forth in a soothing motion. "Damn, Peyton. That's fucked up. You deserve so much better."

I lifted my chin self-consciously but didn't pull away from his touch. "Don't feel sorry for me."

"I don't. I'm just sorry you've been through so much shit in such a short period of time."

"Thanks," I managed around the lump in my throat, pouncing on the whiskey as soon as the server set it down. "Okay, enough about me. Your turn for the obligatory dramatic reveal of your past."

He huffed with mild amusement and looked down at his own glass, lifting it to his lips. "That's fair. You sure you're ready?"

I saluted my glass. "Let me have it."

"I…got married for all the wrong reasons," he said, putting his glass down and watching me as he spoke. "I thought it was what came next even though I was struggling with civilian life. Meredith came around at the right time and she was a nice woman. We got along well enough, but in hindsight that was because I was just toying with the idea of joining the Steel Demons."

"She didn't like the MC life?" Nolan had only offered up vague details of his parents' marriage.

He shrugged. "She tolerated it at first, and then I got patched in and my responsibilities grew, and the time I spent building the MC grew too. She grew to hate it. And me." He looked away as if it still made him angry. "The club was a lifeline for me. It helped me make sense of life after service, gave me a purpose. Not long after Nolo was born, she filed for divorce and moved out of state."

"Oh…" That was a bit more dramatic than I was expecting. "But she moved back?"

He nodded. "She remarried while she was away, but her cancer diagnosis made her rethink keeping Nolo from me. She moved back and we grew close again." His whole demeanor shifted, and his gaze held me locked in place. "She's in remission and her doctors are confident she's cancer free, but it made me think about all the ‘what ifs'. Reconnecting with Nolo and having him in my life again is a gift, and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it."

I felt like he was saying something more with those words and I kept my gaze on his face and sipped my drink, although my heart suddenly thudded against my ribs. "That's why you don't want me? You're worried that Nolan will cut you out of his life, and if anything happened to his mom then he'd be alone?"

"Yes. And no."

I snorted a bitter laugh and shook my head at his non-answer.

I waited him out, feeling my heart sink, because I knew he wasn't done with his second round of rejection. And this is why I shouldn't have let my hopes rise, this was a breakup dinner, not a date.

"I just got Nolo back, Peyton, and I don't want to fuck it up."

I opened my mouth to argue, to tell him that his son was a grown man who needed to learn to deal with rejection, but I knew it wouldn't help. Maybe I just couldn't understand, having never had the kind of relationship with a parental figure like he seems to have with Nolan. Aunt Myra was as close as I got, but I could never fully connect, even with her. We started too late, lost too much time, ended too quickly.

His relationship with Nolan seemed to mean the world to him, and who was I to get in the middle of that? The apology in his eyes tore my heart to shreds right there in the dimly lit restaurant. Everything within me wanted to fight for this man because what I felt for him was what I'd been waiting to feel for a man my whole life. It was all-consuming. It was heart-stopping. It was everything I dreamed it would be, except it was impossible. "Yeah. Okay, Rocky. I accept that." Reluctantly, and with a broken heart, but I accepted it because I had no choice.

I was never the choice. My mom chose my dad. Rocky chose Nolan. That meant I needed to choose me.

Slowly, I moved my hands out of his, and he didn't reach back for me.

The rest of dinner continued in contemplative silence. I didn't know what was on Rocky's mind, but I spent the meal rushing through the life I could've had with him. The dates and the fun. The hot sex and lazy weekend mornings. Barbecues with his MC brothers. A biker wedding. A baby. A long life together, one that would never be.

Could never be.

By the time we made it back to Rocky's place, I was on the verge of a massive crying session that I didn't want him to see or hear. "Thanks for dinner," I whispered, and brushed a soft kiss against his cheek. "Good night."

He reached for me, but I slipped from his grasp, knowing that if I let him touch me, caress me, then I would end up in bed with him again. It was exactly what I wanted, except it would only make it harder knowing he wanted my body but not the rest of me.

Tears bled into desire, and that's when I knew just how fucked up I was over this man. I stripped down and reached inside the nightstand for my trusty little vibrator before laying across the bed with my legs open, thinking of the man I couldn't have anywhere but the confines of my mind.