Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

M ax and I parted ways upstairs on the blue line. He went into Ozzie's apartment, Maggs moving ahead of him, tail wagging happily. I waited, but he went in and shut his door, so I shut mine, too, and went back down to the kitchen before I could lose my grip and knock on his door and ask him if he might be interested in me naked so I could ask him about Mei. And have sex.

But he was leaving in the morning, so he probably wasn't here for Mei. Plus, he'd had a chance to say something, anything, to show his interest, and he hadn't. Just that he was leaving in the morning after saying goodbye to Poppy. He hadn't even added me into the breakfast equation.

I sat and looked at my self-portrait bottle with a naked head and some poppies as a border at the bottom. That was just sad. I thought what else I could add to it that was me and realized that I'd gotten to half a century defining myself by my service to other people, reacting to other people's needs, Cheery Boost all the way. Things happened and I fixed them, and then I waited until the next thing happened. I didn't start anything, I didn't make things happen, I just filled in the spaces other people made .

And Max was obviously not interested in making a space for me anywhere near him.

So I was just a reflection of other people's needs. Except when I made my Outsider Art. Maybe that's why I'd started the paregoric figure, maybe I started doing the saints and the other assemblages to make myself do things that weren't work and motherhood, things that weren't just reacting to everybody else's needs, things that were just me. But I should do more with my life, interesting things, wild things, new things, selfish things , so I'd have something to glue to a bottle self-portrait. Yeah, I thought. Be aggressive. Do something wild.

Do Max , a traitorous voice inside me said.

I was pretty sure that voice was Coral's. She'd have done him already and then probably slit his throat just in case.

I wondered, if you don't use a vagina, does it close up on you? I'd had my ears pierced once and then didn't put earrings in them for years and when I'd tried to the other day, they'd healed over, closed up. That could be a bad sign.

I tried to think of things I could add to the self-portrait that would be exciting, but all I could come up with was a big bear to stand behind it that would be my sexual fears. Or maybe it would be Max. Same thing, really.

I couldn't even remember sex with my ex, although that was probably good. Never lose your virginity to somebody at eighteen and then stick with them for twelve miserable years before they kick you to the curb. Those people are not good lovers.

I yawned and closed my eyes, thinking that tomorrow would be better even though Norman and Junior were out there gunning for me along with God knows who, and Herc was probably coming for Mei and I had to fix that, and Barry would be back from Atlanta on Thursday to open Ozzie's envelope when Max would be gone again, and—oh, just hell. I yawned again and gave up, turning off the light, and went upstairs. I checked on Poppy, asleep with her mouth open and William curled up beside her, my baby still the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen, and went back to my bedroom and crawled under my comforter and reached to set my alarm .

And then I thought, Why?

Poppy could make her own breakfast. Max was going to hit the trail. If he'd wanted to say goodbye to me, he could have said he'd wait around a while. Or invited me into his bed. I didn't have to serve anybody. It seemed selfish not to get up and take care of them, but it would be so wonderful to sleep late.

I never got to sleep late.

Besides, I really didn't want to say goodbye to Max again, damn it. I wanted Max to stick around for a while because I was dumb enough to think he'd be that unicorn, a Good Man Who Could Find A Clitoris On The First Try. And now he was leaving me without even making a pass, so fuck him.

No, don't fuck him, Rose, he's leaving.

Maybe I should make tomorrow my selfish day. The last day before Barry opened Ozzie's envelope and we lost our home. Just for tomorrow, I would do whatever I wanted.

Selfish Day.

The thought was thrilling, which gives you a rough idea of how bland my life was.

I reached over and shoved the alarm away without setting it, sank into my pillows, and drifted off.

My last thought was wondering whether Max had liked the comforter.