Chapter 6

Harley

Wynterand I shared the cooking duties most nights, though it depended on her shifts at the hospital. She wasn’t home for dinner when she worked nights, but today was her day off so I was making one of her favorites, beef stroganoff, hoping she’d be more interested in eating than zeroing in on the hickey on my neck. She’d been out running errands most of today and I’d figured she would be distracted, but she narrowed her gaze the moment she came in, which meant she was going to say something.

She paused to kiss the top of River’s head and then folded her arms across her chest.

“Hey,” I said, unpacking the grocery bags she’d put on the counter. “Did you get milk?”

“I did. And that chai tea you like.”

“Thank you.” I went into the pantry to put the nonperishables away.

“Where did you go last night?” she asked under her breath, following behind me.

“To the cemetery,” I replied, not looking at her.

“In the middle of the night?”

“It’s the only time I can be alone. There are always fans during the day.”

“Going to the cemetery so often isn’t healthy,” she said quietly.

“You think I don’t know that?” I lifted my coffee mug to my lips and took a sip.

“Then why do you continue to do it?”

“I’m just trying to survive every day and raise my son.”

“You think he’s not going to notice how sad you are all the time?”

“I have time before he’s old enough for that,” I muttered.

“Yes, but—what is that?” She was staring at my wrist.

I looked down and almost groaned. I’d forgotten about the way Tommy had grabbed me and Presley hadn’t mentioned it.

“Harley, what happened? Did you hook up with someone? I know you like it rough but?—”

“It was Tommy,” I said in a harsh whisper, wanting to nip any speculation in the bud before she started imagining the worst. “Okay? He showed up at the cemetery, we argued, and then…”

“You let him manhandle you enough to leave bruises?” Her eyes were wide with disbelief.

Good thing she hadn’t noticed my throat.

“It’s not a big deal,” I lied. “We’ve had sex like that a million times.”

“When you were together.” She eyed me. “But you haven’t even talked to him since the divorce, much less slept together.”

“It just happened,” I said slowly. “We were arguing when I fell off a tree branch and landed on top of him. The minute we touched it was like someone lit a match.”

She frowned at me. “You know that’s fucked up, right?”

“Yeah.” I turned away, holding my coffee mug with both hands, hoping it would warm me.

“Harley, I love you, but seeing you like this… you and Tommy need to talk and clear the air. He’s obviously got a lot of pent-up emotions happening too.” She paused. “So… you did it right out in the open?”

My lips quirked up a little. “Yeah. Against a tree.”

She closed her eyes and slowly shook her head. “You two have never had any boundaries.”

Oh, we’d had boundaries.

Until we didn’t.

“It was a lapse in judgement on a tough day.”

“It’s a pattern of behavior,” she said. “And it scares me.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know damn well what I’m talking about. The drinking. The weight loss. Staying in bed for days at a time. Forgetting to pick River up from preschool?—”

“That was one time!” I protested.

“Whenever I’m home to watch the baby, all you do is sleep. You rarely see your friends. And the last two guys you slept with—that I know of—both hurt you.”

I swallowed back a biting remark because I knew she only wanted what was best for me.

“You also stopped seeing your therapist.”

“She wasn’t helping,” I replied.

“Then find a new one, because you need help, Harley. The main person who’s going to be impacted if you don’t is River. He needs you.”

I pursed my lips. “I’m fine. Yes, I’ve been a little depressed, but my best friend and father of my child killed himself. Am I supposed to move on like it never happened?”

“No, you’re supposed to find healthy coping mechanisms and/or a support group to help you through the grieving process. It’s been over a year, and instead of getting better, it’s getting worse.”

I sighed.

“Can we just eat?” I asked, walking back into the kitchen.

We sat at the table, and I handed River his plate.

“Mommy has a boo-boo,” he said, putting one small, chubby finger on my wrist.

“It’s okay,” I whispered, suddenly choked up. “It doesn’t hurt.”

He was only three, but he’d already started to notice things.

Like the fact that I’d let my ex fuck me so hard he’d left bruises.

River didn’t understand what had happened, but he knew something had.

And the older he got, the more he’d see.

“I kiss?” he asked, looking up at me.

“Sure.” I nodded, watching as he pressed a wet, sloppy kiss above the bruising on my wrist.

“Better?” he asked hopefully, looking up at me with wide, innocent eyes.

“All better,” I said, nodding.

I felt terrible, though.

As much as I didn’t want to admit it, Wynter was right.

Maybe I didn’t care much about what my grief was doing to me, I did care about how it might impact my son.

He needed me to be a good mom. I was the only parent he had left, and we didn’t have extended family. Wynter was all I had, since our parents had passed away, and Carter had been alone too. River wouldn’t have grandparents, and though he now had uncles from Onyx Knight—Zeke, Kingston, and Kellan—they were busy with their own lives.

So it was up to me to be mother, father, and almost every other role in his life.

“You can’t keep going this way,” Wynter said quietly once we’d finished eating and River left the room. I was loading the dishwasher while she put away the leftovers and I paused to look at her.

“What do you suggest?” I asked finally.

“Harmony Place.”

“Huh?” I had no idea what she was talking about.

She typed something into her phone and then handed it to me.

I stared at the words but they didn’t make sense at first.

Harmony Place is a leading provider of mental health and well-being services in a luxury setting. Offering a blend of holistic services and innovative scientific methods, patients will receive unparalleled care. Our mental health-focused programs can be in a group setting or on an individual basis, offering you the resources and guidance you need to live a fulfilling life, both during and after your stay.

I thrust the phone back at her.

“You want me to check myself into some sort of mental hospital?” I demanded.

She shook her head. “It’s not a mental hospital. It’s a five-star luxury treatment center for people with all kinds of issues from mental health to addiction to anorexia and more. You can stay for as little as a week, or as long as six months. You don’t have to?—”

“I’m not leaving River!” I snapped.

“You can go for a week or two and then switch to the outpatient program. Harley, you need this.”

“I’m going to find a new therapist,” I said. “But I’m not going to a mental hospital.”

She rolled her eyes. “Stop it. That’s not what this is. Presley and I can help with River while you find a way to cope with your grief and depression.”

“Just because I had sex with my ex doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me.”

I said the words but the moment they came out of my mouth it occurred to me that was exactly what it meant. Not just sleeping with Tommy, but the string of one-night stands I’d had after Carter’s death. My lack of interest in anything beyond my son.

The writing was on the wall.

I just needed to be strong enough to read it.

“You know I’m right.” Wynter reached out and put her hand on my arm. “How are you going to have another baby in the condition you’re in?”

“I haven’t made a final decision about that,” I murmured.

“Deep down, you know you have. I saw the postcard from the clinic reminding you of your upcoming appointment.”

“I can barely take care of myself, so how can I get pregnant again?”

“Exactly.”

“I don’t know what I’d tell River if I left for two weeks, much less more.”

“Mommy’s working, just like Daddy used to go away to work all the time. And I’ll be here to help. You have to do something, sis. You have to recognize what a risky path you’re on. You’re not a danger to yourself or anyone else yet, but it’s coming. Is that a chance you’re willing to take?”

We stared at each other for a long time.

“I keep thinking it’s going to get better,” I whispered after a while. “That I can’t grieve for Carter and my marriage forever.”

“I know, sweetie. That’s why I think Harmony Place is perfect for you.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Think hard, Harley.”

“Give me a few days.”

“All right, but I’m not going to forget.”

“Believe me, neither am I.”

My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I wiped my hands on the dishtowel before looking to see what it said.

PRESLEY: Hey, Z asked me to text and let you know there’s been an accident. Tommy was on his bike when an eighteen-wheeler jack knifed. We don’t know any details yet but he’s on his way to Los Angeles Medical. That’s where your sister works, right? Maybe she can get some information?

“Oh no,” I breathed.

“Is everything okay?” Wynter asked in alarm.

“It’s Tommy.”

“What happened? Is he okay?”

“We don’t know the details yet, but he was in an accident and is on his way to L.A. Medical.”

“How bad?” She already had her phone in her hand, texting someone.

“I don’t know. Let me ask.”

HARLEY: Do you know how bad it is?

PRESLEY: He’s alive and was alert enough to call Z, but that’s all we know.

“They don’t know much.” I showed her the text.

“All right. Let me see what I can find out. Hang tight.”

My gut clenched painfully.

I couldn’t imagine a world without Tommy in it.

Losing Carter had been unbearable.

If I lost Tommy too, I wasn’t sure I would survive either.