Chapter 4

Harley

I sleptin the following morning. My sister Wynter often spent time with River in the morning on her days off, so I knew my son was being cared for. That was the main reason I’d gone to the cemetery at midnight last night, knowing I’d be able to sleep this morning.

I hadn’t planned on running into Tommy.

I definitely hadn’t planned to do what we’d done.

A prickle of shame washed over me.

Not because of the sex—we’d both wanted it and we’d always liked it rough—but because of the emotional aftermath. Any time I let Tommy touch me, I wound up under a spell. That had been our M.O. since the first time we’d met, and based on how overwhelmed I was this morning, nothing had changed.

What had come over me last night?

I’d always loved him, that wasn’t anything new, and our sex life had always been explosive, but what had sent us down that road after all this time? Was it because he knew how vulnerable I was? Had there been some subconscious need to hurt me in the only way he could?

Had last night been a hate fuck?

Did he hate me?

I’d made the choices I made to protect him from the truth, but that had turned out to be an error in judgement. Carter and I had realized that early on, but I’d refused to let him fall on his sword for me. It was bad enough that he’d been in love with me; he didn’t need to ruin his friendship with Tommy too.

The plan had always been to eventually tell Tommy the truth.

We’d just never found the right time.

And then Carter committed suicide.

Leaving me carrying the bag.

I got out of bed and went into the bathroom, trying not to overthink things.

I tended to do that a lot.

I’d been suffering from anxiety and depression since the divorce, but I pushed through for River’s sake. Every once in a while, life became too much for me, and before his death, Carter had been there to help snap me out of it. After his suicide, Wynter had moved in. It would help her save money while simultaneously being around to give me a hand, despite her busy job as an emergency room nurse.

Staring at my reflection in the mirror, it looked like I’d aged in the last year. The dark circles beneath my eyes never went away, my cheeks had hollowed out, and I’d lost weight. Too much weight. I’d always been slender, but now I was bony. My ribcage was visible when I was naked, and my curves had all but disappeared.

The emotional trauma of the last few years had taken a physical toll and I didn’t like what I saw.

I had to be healthy to take care of my son, but all I felt when it came to food was apathy.

My eyes were still as blue as ever but instead of sparkling like they used to, now they were as dull and lifeless as the rest of me. The hickey on my neck was almost garish against my pale skin and I quickly pulled out a tube of concealer. It was early fall, and still too warm for a scarf or turtleneck, so I’d have to do it the old-fashioned way. I was having company this morning, and Presley would know what it was the moment she saw me, but it felt like I had to at least try to hide the evidence of last night’s fuckery.

One of the bright spots in my life since Carter’s death was my new friendship with Presley Zerkesian. She was married to Onyx Knight’s lead guitarist, Zeke, and they had a toddler together. As soon as Carter had died and word got out that he and I had a son, Zeke, King, and Kellan had all reached out. They wanted to know him, make sure we had everything we needed, and be there for us. It hurt that I never heard from Tommy, but I understood it. Everything I’d done had been to protect him from this pain, but fate had other plans.

The upside was that my renewed relationships with the guys brought Z’s pretty young wife into my life, and we hit it off. Their little boy, Jeremy, had been the result of a one-night stand, but they’d fallen in love and I enjoyed seeing them together. I’d known Z and the rest of the band almost as long as I’d known Tommy and considered them my friends in spite of the divorce. I was glad they’d all found women that made them happy, and my friendship with Presley was a bonus.

After last night, it was a nice distraction to have her here today, watching the boys play while Presley and I had lunch. She had a sweet smile and easygoing personality, was bright and witty, and also incredibly patient with me. I didn’t always return calls or texts in a timely manner, and she didn’t hesitate to threaten to come drag me out of my house if I canceled plans too often.

And of course, despite my attempt to cover it with makeup, she noticed the hickey on my neck immediately.

“Damn, girl… that’s one hell of a love bite.” Her eyes twinkled with amusement. “You seeing somebody or was this a one-nighter?”

I hated to lie but I couldn’t begin to explain the insanity that had transpired with Tommy at the cemetery. I liked Presley, and I didn’t think she would judge me, but I knew how it could look to someone who didn’t know us very well, so it was easier to be vague.

“No, I’m not seeing anyone,” I said quietly. “Just one of those things, you know.”

She cocked her head. “How come? I mean, you’re smart and beautiful. You’re independently wealthy, so you’re not some gold digger. Why aren’t you dating?”

“I’m thirty and divorced with a toddler. To a lot of guys, that’s baggage.”

“Then those aren’t the right guys,” she said.

I shrugged. “Probably not, but that doesn’t make meeting nice guys any easier. And to be honest, it’s hard to consider a relationship with some random guy after—” I abruptly cut myself off.

“After?” She seemed genuinely curious.

“After Tommy,” I whispered, dropping my gaze. I wasn’t embarrassed that I felt this way, but it was still difficult to talk about him to anyone other than Wynter. And Presley didn’t know the whole story. I couldn’t expect her to keep secrets from Z, and if Z knew, chances were, he’d tell Tommy.

“I wish you’d tell me the real reason you left him,” she said after a moment, all but reading my mind. “If you’re worried I’ll tell Zeke, I won’t. I’m allowed to keep my friends’ secrets as long as they have nothing to do with our family or marriage.”

Hearing Presley say she wouldn’t tell Zeke broke through my defenses a bit. I could only talk to Wynter so much about things because she’d been listening for years at this point. It was old news to her. Presley would be fresh ears at a time I needed someone I could open up to.

“I guess the simplest version of the story is that Tommy, Carter, and I had a threesome that resulted in me getting pregnant with River. I thought Carter was wearing a condom but there had been a lot of drinking, so I hadn’t noticed that he didn’t. I don’t know if you know this, but Tommy can’t have kids. He had the mumps as a teenager and wound up sterile. It’s a huge bone of contention for him, because before he had the testing, we’d always talked about having a family. He desperately wanted kids, and for a long time, he felt like he was letting me down by not being able to give me a biological child.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry.” Presley spoke softly. “And no, I had no idea about that.”

“When I found out I was pregnant, I knew how much it would hurt Tommy to look at me pregnant with Carter’s baby. Having to raise another man’s kid would have killed him. Originally, I thought I’d just get rid of it, but I couldn’t. I already loved it and wanted it. When I talked to Carter, he was all in, on board to be a dad. He would have married me if I’d been willing.”

“He loved you.” There was no censure in her voice.

“He did.” I managed a tiny smile, staring over at River, who looked so much like his father it was sometimes painful. Dirty blond hair that was a little too long, caramel-colored eyes, and a slightly upturned nose. Carter had hated his nose, and he’d playfully insisted we would allow River to get a nose job when he was older.

“Did you not love him?”

I sadly shook my head. “Not like that. The only man I’ve ever truly been in love with is Tommy. I don’t think that’s ever going to change. Which brings us back to why dating is so hard. Frankly, after being married to Tommy, and being best friends with Carter, I’m not sure any other man could possibly measure up.”

“Those are big shoes to fill,” she agreed. “But Carter’s gone and you let Tommy go… what choice do you have? Do you want to be alone for the rest of your life?”

That was the zillion-dollar question.

Because I didn’t want to be alone.

I was already so damn lonely I couldn’t stand it.

The idea of living the next fifty years like this made me want to cry.

“I don’t know what I want,” I admitted. “Mostly, I want to be the best mom I can be for River. And any man who comes into my life is going to have to be okay with the fact that River will always come first.”

“That’s admirable and respectable, but the thing he needs most is for his mom to be happy and healthy.”

“I’m happy,” I protested, even though the words sounded hollow even to me.

“You’re a hot mess,” she said with a soft chuckle. “And I say that with love. I haven’t known you that long, but I can see how much weight you’ve lost since Carter died. Anyone with eyes can see your dark circles, and I’ll never, ever make someone feel bad about their sex life, but we both know you’re looking for something you’re not going to find in all these one-night stands you’ve had.”

“There aren’t that many,” I murmured.

Well, not anymore.

Right after Carter’s death I’d been desperate for something, anything, to make me feel like I was still alive. There had been a lot of random hookups. Mindless, gritty sex that I’d hoped and prayed would stimulate my soul. Then about six months ago, one guy had gotten a little too rough, leaving me with a black eye, and I’d stopped having sex completely.

That was a long time for me to go without sex, which was probably why I’d lost my mind when Tommy touched me.

“Have you found a new therapist?” she asked. “I know you dropped your last one.”

“No.” I paused. “It gets expensive, you know?”

She made a face. “Seriously? Because Carter didn’t leave you his entire fortune.”

I flushed.

It was weird seeing how much money I had because Carter had, indeed, left me everything. A good chunk was tied up in trust for River, but he’d never have to work a day in his life if he didn’t want to, and neither did I. Carter had put a bunch of stipulations on River’s trust, like only getting a stipend until he finished college. He would get access to half when he turned twenty-five, and the rest when he turned thirty. Everything else was at my discretion, along with the ridiculously generous trust he’d also left for me as well as control of his interests in everything related to Onyx Knight, so I tried to be respectful of my spending even though I didn’t have to be.

“It’s okay to use the money for yourself,” she said gently. “If he didn’t want you to have it, he wouldn’t have left it to you.”

“I know. It’s just…” I paused, trying to articulate what I wanted to say. “It’s hard because I’d give up every dime if I could have him back.”

“I know, sweetie. We all would. But death was his choice. His demons were more powerful than anything else in his life.”

“I guess I feel a little guilt too. Like maybe he’d still be alive if I’d been able to love him back.”

“Girlfriend, don’t do that to yourself!” she said firmly. “He was an addict. There was no way to save him. You know that.”

I did know it.

That didn’t make it any easier to live with, though.