Chapter 41

Tommy

I hatedthe look of hurt and surprise on Harley’s face when I’d said the wedding was on hold, but what else could I do? How could I marry her with this hanging over us? We’d barely gotten back together, and she’d betrayed both me and the band. Even if it wasn’t intentional, she knew better. This wasn’t her first day in a relationship with someone in Onyx Knight. She’d been the wife of a rockstar for years, and now she was actually a business partner since she controlled Carter’s interests.

How could she have done something like this?

I was reeling, waging an internal war with myself over all the different emotions I was battling. Anger at her carelessness. Frustration that she’d blown things up within days of getting engaged. Hurt that she would do something like this. And guilt because I knew my reaction was hurting her as much as it hurt me.

But how could I marry her if I couldn’t trust her, and right now, I didn’t.

Everyone in the room had looked shocked when I’d made the statement, but then we’d made excuses and gotten out of there.

Harley hadn’t said a word on the drive home but now she put River in front of the TV and followed me up to our room. We were supposed to be on the road already since we’d planned to drive to Vegas.

“Tommy?” Her voice was soft. “Will you please talk to me?”

“I can’t right now,” I admitted. “I’m feeling a lot of things and I have to work through them before I can talk to you about them.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“But you still did something that impacts not just me, but the whole band. And we can’t get married with this hanging between us.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” she whispered, her voice breaking.

I sighed.

The thought had crossed my mind, but I couldn’t imagine my life without her.

We’d work through this.

We had to.

I just didn’t know how.

I didn’t know why I was so upset, but I was, and until I could work through it, I couldn’t talk to her about my feelings or even begin to get over it.

“No,” I said quietly, zipping up my suitcase.

“Then what’s happening? What are we doing?”

“I think you should stay here,” I said, finally looking up at her. “I need a couple of days to think and focus on playing. With this hanging over our heads, and my knee not fully healed, I think it’ll be a distraction to have you there.”

“Did you just call me a distraction?” Her eyes widened as she stared at me. “A few days ago we were planning a wedding and you were going to start the paperwork to adopt my son. Now I’m a distraction?”

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean it to sound that way. I just…need a couple of days. Can you give me that? Please?”

“And then what? You’ve already cancelled the wedding—are you just using this as a way to figure out how to break things off?”

“No. Jesus, no.” I took a step toward her but she backed away, her face wary.

“I thought we’d promised to start communicating better, and not to let misunderstandings control our actions?”

“This wasn’t a misunderstanding,” I said quietly. “This was something you did that impacts every facet of our lives.”

“It was a mistake!” she cried, throwing up her hands. “I didn’t mean to. I had no idea Freya was in cahoots with Aurora, or whatever the hell is going on. We don’t even know exactly what happened yet, but you won’t even talk to me about it?”

“We will. I promise. But everything is new between us, and if I’m honest, a little raw. Not to mention, we’re still working through a huge crisis in both our relationship and the death of our friend, and now this. It’s a lot. I can only compartmentalize so much. I need to be able to breathe for a minute.”

Had that come out as douchey as it sounded to my own ears?

Probably.

Harley looked like she was going to cry, but to her credit, she set her jaw and lifted her chin. “All right. Do what you have to do.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow after we’re done for the day.”

“Okay.”

“I’m sorry, babe. I love you. I do. I’m just not sure how to process this. I was thinking of calling Allisha on the drive to Vegas.”

“You should do that,” she murmured, looking away.

She was mad.

Hurt.

Frustrated.

I could tell just by looking at her but didn’t know how to fix this.

That tight feeling was back in my chest, choking me.

I hated what I was doing for both of us, but I had to get out of the house and away from her before I exploded or said something stupid.

“Uncle Tommy, are we going to Vegas now?” River came into the bedroom and looked up at me.

“I’m going to Vegas to work,” I told him. “And I’ll see you in a few days when I get back.”

“Okey-okey.” River seemed content with that answer even though it felt hollow to me.

We were supposed to be getting married and having a honeymoon.

All of our friends were planning to be in Vegas on Thursday so we could celebrate together.

Instead, I’d just said some dumb shit to Harley, all while feeling like I might vomit. The room felt incredibly hot and my chest really hurt.

I really had to get out of here.

Harley had turned and gone back into the closet, and I could hear the rustling of clothes, telling me she was unpacking her suitcase.

Dammit.

That wasn’t what I wanted, but right now it was what I needed.

“I’ll call you tomorrow!” I choked out as I picked up my bag and practically ran down to the garage.

What the hell was wrong with me?

Was I having a panic attack?

I felt a little clammy and nauseated, so I sat in the front seat of my car and took a few deep breaths.

I wasn’t a guy who got anxiety, yet that was what this felt like.

I hurriedly typed out a message to Allisha.

TOMMY: Hey, it’s been a shit show of a day. I really need to talk. Do you have any time?

ALLISHA: I’m about to start an emergency session with someone who’s having suicidal thoughts. Are you okay? Can this wait a couple of hours?

TOMMY: Yeah, nothing like that. Had a fight with Harley but I’m not going to hurt myself. Or her. Just frustrated.

ALLISHA: OK, I’ll call you as soon as I can, but it might be late?

TOMMY: I’ll be okay until then. Thanks.

I put the phone down feeling a bit better.

Somehow, someone else’s crisis made mine feel less urgent.

The nausea faded and the pounding behind my temples dissipated.

Everything was back on an even keel.

Which meant I could drive.

I put the car into gear and pulled onto the street, breathing deeply.

Now that I was on the road, I felt okay physically, but I was still confused.

What had just happened?

When did I start getting panic attacks?

I’d only had a couple in my entire life, so this had come out of nowhere.

Was I really that stressed about this thing with Harley?

Obviously, I was.

Because losing Harley a second time wasn’t an option

Had I overreacted in cancelling the wedding?

Now that I’d had a few minutes by myself in the car, I suddenly felt bad.

I almost turned the car around but at this point, I’d just gotten onto I-15.

Then my phone rang, and I glimpsed Z’s name on the screen.

“Hey, man. I’m on the road.”

“Without Harley?” He sounded incredulous.

Crap.

“Yeah, we decided to take a few days’ break to breathe.”

Well, I’d decided.

“And she was okay with this?”

I didn’t say anything.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to talk about my relationship issues with Z, but Allisha wasn’t available, and I needed to talk to someone.

“Tom?”

“I don’t know, dammit!” I slammed my hand on the steering wheel. “I don’t fucking know. How could she do this? Like, we specifically said not to tell anyone, and she immediately blabbed to her girlfriends. And not even really close girlfriends, like her sister or Presley, but to a group of women she only met a month ago!”

“Okay, she messed up. No one’s denying that. But she didn’t steal money from your account or talk to the tabloids about what your dick looks like.”

I snorted. “She can talk about my dick all day long. This other shit is just—why? What was she thinking?”

“She probably wasn’t. Like she said, it was like this was an extension of your grief therapy groups and I’m sure it never crossed her mind that her new friends knew Aurora.”

“So…am I the asshole?”

“You’re not the asshole for what you’re feeling, but you might be one for calling off the wedding and leaving her behind. Did you even talk to her about what you’re feeling?”

“A little? But honestly, I was too freaked to have a rational conversation with her. I spent over a year believing she and Carter had both betrayed me and had an affair behind my back. Not to mention the fact that she hid River from me for three fucking years. It feels like she just keeps hitting me where it hurts and I’m struggling with trust.”

“Look, I’m no shrink, but you need to talk to her. Do you love her?”

“That’s not the point. We have to get past?—”

“Shut the fuck up, man. Do you love her? It’s a simple fucking question.”

“Well, yeah. Of course.”

“Are you prepared to walk away from everything you two have been planning and doing the last month or so?”

Was I?

Not even a little.

“No,” I muttered.

“Then what are you doing? How do you think she feels right now? You called off the wedding and then turned around and left, without even talking it out. How is that working out for you?”

Fuck.

“Why don’t you turn the fuck around and go home and talk to your girl? Don’t you love her enough to talk through it? If you’re gonna yell and argue, do it. Everyone argues. Don’t be mean, but you’re allowed to tell her she disappointed you. What you’re not allowed to do is walk away and leave her hanging. Remember how that felt when she did it?”

I did remember.

Like it was yesterday.

And it was the worst feeling in the world.

I checked the GPS on the dashboard.

The next exit was in a mile.

I was turning this car around and going back for my woman and my kid.