Prologue

Harley

Dear Harley,

How’s it going, beautiful? I know you’re pissed at me right now, so I wanted to write to you to make sure you know I’ve taken care of you. There’s money for you and River that will allow you to do anything you want and give him everything he’ll ever need. I’ve also left letters and videos for you to give him when he gets a little older and can understand more about his dad.

I didn’t make this decision lightly.

To end my life and abandon both you and our son.

But I’m an addict, Harley.

And the truth is that I like being high.

I love the rush from coke.

I enjoy getting shit faced.

My last stint in rehab showed me that’s never going to change, and all it does is hurt the people I care about. I guess it hurts me too. The difference is I don’t know any better. Or maybe I just don’t care. Death is something I’ve been thinking about for years. I would have done it already if it hadn’t been for you and River.

You’ve given me something to live for the last couple of years. More joy than a fuck-up like me deserves. You two made me better, made me try harder, made me re-evaluate everything I thought I knew. Even if it wasn’t enough to fix me, it was enough to bring light to my soul after so many years of darkness.

Please don’t hate me.

River’s better off never seeing me sprawled on the floor covered in puke.

He’s better off not waiting for me to show up for a birthday party when I’m too busy shooting up to remember.

He’ll be healthier and happier without me around to fuck things up.

Because it’s going to happen.

It’s just a matter of time.

You’re an amazing mom. My best friend in the world. The love of my life.

I have no regrets, Harley.

Not a single one.

So don’t blame yourself. Don’t cry. Don’t miss me too much.

I’m in a better place now.

My lawyer has all the details and he’ll be getting in touch.

I want you to be happy.

Please fall in love again.

Mend fences with Tommy.

Go back to acting.

Do all the things.

Life’s too short not to.

And finally, I know you want another baby. If you want him or her to be River’s biological sibling, I left a little piece of me behind so you can do it. With Tommy or someone else, the option is there. I wish there was more I could do but you gave me a legacy that goes beyond rock and roll. It’s more than I deserve.

Just remember…

No pain.

No guilt.

No regrets.

Rock on.

Always,

Carter

I didn’t knowthere could be pain like the loss of your best friend. The father of your child. The man you’d so desperately wanted to fall in love with but couldn’t. He would never understand the hole he’s left. In my life, in River’s, in the world. So many people loved him. And now he was gone.

Honestly, from the day I’d found out I was pregnant, Carter had been there for me. No questions asked, he’d stepped up to the plate. It didn’t matter that I was married to someone else. Or that he’d been secretly in love with me for years. Or anything else. He’d simply done the right thing. More than the right thing.

He’d been at my side when River was born and had been there for almost every milestone.

Carter was the guy we all wanted to fall in love with.

The guy millions of women around the world had been in love with.

And all he’d wanted was me.

The woman who loved someone else.

The mother of his child who still yearned for her ex.

Tommy fucking Bane.

Even now, I wanted to smack him.

Hate him.

Rue the day we’d ever met.

But I still loved him.

I probably always would.

And without either of them, I was so fucking lost.