Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven

He’s Always Been Darius

Rock Chick Rewind

Also some time ago, but getting closer and closer to now…

I sat across from my son at our table in the breakfast nook off the kitchen.

It was Saturday. That day, we were going to the new build to have a look at the progress and make some final decisions about what we wanted in the house.

It was also exactly six months since that phone call with Darius.

He no longer replied to my texts or picked up the phone, but the envelopes were still on my counter every month.

He’d made the decision for me, him, all of us.

Since then, I’d run the gamut of emotions. Anger, first. Fear, next (mixed with liberal doses of anger). Back to anger (of course). Resignation (also mixed with anger) after that.

Finally, acceptance.

And sadness.

“You okay, Mom?” Liam asked, watching me and shoveling pancakes into his mouth.

I tried to hide it, I really did.

I knew with how closely he was watching me, I’d failed at hiding it.

“Can we talk about something important?” I asked.

He swallowed. “Sure.”

Was this right, what I was going to do?

Or was this about me and finding my way back to Darius, using my son as an excuse to do it?

No, it wasn’t about me.

This was right.

He should know.

“You’ve never asked…about your dad.”

He squirmed in his seat and looked out the window, plate of pancakes forgotten.

He was a growing boy. I’d given him three large, fluffy buttermilk pancakes and four strips of bacon. Grown men would have trouble putting away that much food. He’d score through all that, no problem.

“Liam?”

He looked back at me.

“No,” he confirmed he’d never asked.

“Do you want to know?”

“Not if it hurts you.”

Oh God.

My son.

I felt tears hit my eyes. “I loved him very much. I still love him very much.”

“Mom—”

“You need to know that. He loved me very much too.”

And he loves you very much too, I could not say, because he’d ask a question to which he was entitled to an answer, that being if he did, why he wasn’t around.

And I didn’t have that answer.

“We don’t have to talk about this,” Liam told me.

“I need you to know that.”

“Okay,” he said hurriedly. “I know.”

“He lost his dad.”

Liam straightened, his attention perking up. “He did? Like, his dad died?”

I nodded. “He was really close with his dad. He loved him. Admired him. It broke him.”

Liam said nothing.

“I didn’t…I didn’t tell him about you,” I admitted. “When I found out you were in my belly.”

He turned his head and gave me the side eye.

“I tried,” I assured him. “But honestly, not hard enough. He was dealing with big things. I was young. I made a decision. It was a mistake. He was upset with me when he found out I had you and he didn’t know.”

“It’s okay. I got you, and Grandpop, and Grandmoms, and Auntie Lena, Auntie Toni, Uncle Tony and—”

“He would be here if he felt he could.”

Liam looked out the window again, but this time, when he did it, I felt my small hairs stand on end.

Because this time, it wasn’t avoidance.

It was cagey.

And what I’d said begged the question, why couldn’t his father be here?

But Liam didn’t ask that question.

“Liam?”

He straightened up again and looked at me.

I spoke. “I can’t explain why he can’t be here because I don’t understand it myself. But it’s something important to him. He gives us money. We wouldn’t have,” I threw out a hand lamely, “pretty much most of what we have if he didn’t look out for us.”

“A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do,” he muttered.

I stared at him.

Was that it?

A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

“He doesn’t know I know he gives us the money,” I persevered. “I mean, I think he knows, but he doesn’t want us to know.”

Liam was again silent.

“But he, um…gives us a lot of money.”

“Good. Everybody needs money.”

“Do you want me to try to contact him, tell him you want to meet him?” I offered.

He shrugged and said, “Naw, I’m good.”

Something wasn’t right here, and it wasn’t what seemed to be wrong on the face of it.

“Fathers are kinda important to little boys,” I said carefully.

He forked into his pancakes. “Then it’s good I got a daddy who takes care of us with money. I got friends whose daddies don’t do anything.”

I knew that to be sad, but very true.

“Do you have any questions?” I asked.

He shook his head and stuffed pancakes into his mouth.

This was too easy.

“Liam, honey, look at me.”

He looked at me.

“If you ever have any questions—”

“I’ll ask,” he said with his mouth full.

“Don’t talk with food in your mouth, baby,” I admonished gently.

He nodded and turned back to his plate.

I guessed it was that easy.

Even so, I didn’t like it.

I’d have to keep an eye.

Something I did for a long time.

And as I did that, it seemed it was what it was.

Just that easy.

* * * *

“No, you got to taste. Don’t just throw the salt in. You gotta see how much it needs first,” I heard Toni say to Liam.

They were in the kitchen, cooking.

I didn’t know what they were making, it was a surprise.

I just knew it was going to be good.

Tony strolled to where I was sitting on their couch in their living room and handed me a fresh glass of wine.

“Thanks,” I murmured, taking it.

He then sat down beside me in the couch.

Rightbeside me.

I froze, seeing as Tony had never done anything like this in all the years I’d known him, and I’d be very disappointed if this was what it seemed like it was going to be.

I gave him the side eye.

“Been piecin’ shit together for years,” he said low.

Hovering on the precipice of disappointment was gone, now I was confused.

“Toni doesn’t want me to tell you. But I disagree,” he declared. “You should know.”

Right.

Now I was bracing.

“Know what?” I asked.

“Gonna preface this by saying, the war on drugs is bullshit, and we both know why.”

We sure did.

What I didn’t know was what he had to preface by saying that.

“Alcohol can fuck a family up. Chocolate and trans-fat can fuck a body up. The weight loss industry is making billions by fucking with people’s heads. No one’s locking anyone up for pushing that shit.”

“Agreed,” I said slowly.

“This is not to say I condone breaking the law. Condone doing the shit you gotta do to live that life.”

I turned to him and started, “Tony—”

“What I can say is, my wife, my daughter, I’d do anything not only to keep them covered, but to give them more. To give them a leg up in life. To zero out the needs list and keep the want list low, so they know their man and their daddy worked his ass off to give them a good life.”

Oh God.

My heart started hammering in my chest.

“Leon Jackson, he’s an Ike,” he announced.

Leon Jackson, Shirleen’s husband, Darius’s uncle.

“An Ike?” I whispered.

“As in Ike and Tina.”

My stomach sunk.

“Oh God.” I said it out loud this time.

“Darius Tucker is serious business. Leon, he’s the kingpin, but even he’s piss-scared of his nephew. I don’t think it stops it for Leon’s wife, but I know he doesn’t put her in the hospital anymore.”

I closed my eyes and dropped my head.

Yes, even in whatever he was involved in, Darius was Darius.

Protector.

Champion.

Good guy.

“Leon doesn’t know about you and Liam.”

I opened my eyes and looked back to him.

“If he did, he’d have something to use to control Darius.”

Darius had said this same thing.

“But it’s more,” Tony went on. “You two would be targets if he let it be known you were who you are. I know it’s been a while since he broke things off with you.”

It had been a while.

Over two years.

“But I understand why he does it,” he continued. “And Toni doesn’t agree, but I think you should know what there is to know so you can maybe find your way to understand it too.”

“He’s protecting us,” I whispered.

“Yeah,” he said.

“He’s a drug dealer.” I was still whispering.

“Yeah,” he grunted.

“He had a scholarship to Yale,” I told him.

“Yeah. And it takes four years to get through college, and even longer to get sorted in life. And he might have had a scholarship, but his dad hadn’t been allowed to live a long enough life to set up his family like they needed if he wasn’t around. They didn’t have the money to send him to Yale, because you can have a full ride, but it still takes money to be across the country at a university. They also didn’t have the money to continue to live the life they’d been living. Darius had to step up. Darius had to look after his mom and sisters. He was a teenager. He got offered what he thought was an easy way to do that, and he took it. I don’t blame him. Straight up, in that situation, I can see myself doing the same damned thing.”

Straight up, I could too. Tony. Me. Anybody, really.

You didn’t have the luxury of defending the high ground when food needed to be put on the table.

I looked away and took a sip of my wine.

“Lee Nightingale got honorably discharged. He’s back in town.”

My head whipped around to him.

“And Eddie Chavez is a maverick cop, but he gets the job done better than nearly everyone. It’s all rumors, but those rumors say he’s got an inside guy. This puts Darius out there, but it’s him doin’ the right thing.”

“They’re trying to pull him out,” I breathed.

“They’re trying to remind him who he really is. Lee in town again, I don’t think it’s gonna take very long.”

Oh. My. God.

“What I’m sayin’ is, don’t lose hope, Malia. Let the man do what he’s gotta do. If I had to steer clear of Toni and Talia, it’d kill me. But if it meant it kept them safe, I’d suffer a thousand deaths. It’s killing him, but he still isn’t dead. You get me?”

I nodded.

I got him.

He took me in, decided I did indeed get him, then he got up and moved to the armchair.

After he settled in, he shouted, “When’s dinner? I’m hungry!”

Talia toddled out and shouted back, “Daddy!”

Tony grinned and winked at me.

I didn’t have it in me to smile back.

I was holding on to hope.

With everything I had.

* * * *

I opened my front door and stopped dead.

Someone was in the house.

And I could smell…

Paint.

My heart tripping in my chest, my mind whirring, I forgot all about grabbing the book Liam called to tell me he forgot for school and marched up the stairs, straight to my son’s room.

They knew I was there. I knew it when I stood in the doorway and stared at them staring at me.

Darius, Lee and Eddie.

My son’s Transformer décor was in boxes in the hallway. His furniture had plastic over it. The walls were mostly painted a pretty, but masculine, blue. And there was a plethora of Target and Dillard’s bags outside, not to mention a queen mattress resting up against the wall and a new, dismantled bedframe still bound in its delivery protective wrap leaned against it.

Where Liam’s twin bed was, I didn’t know. Just his dresser and desk were under the plastic wrap.

I ignored Eddie and Lee, looked to Darius, and ordered, “My room. Now.”

I also ignored Eddie and Lee glancing at each other, lips quirking.

I marched to my bedroom.

I stood, holding the door, until Darius walked through it.

I slammed it behind him.

“So, five years, you’ve still been letting yourself in and checking things out,” I said with false calm.

“Malia, he’s growing up, and he’s got a little kid room. He’s gotta have a growing man’s room.”

“So you decided just to show up with your buds and make that happen without speaking to me?”

“It’s been a while,” he said cautiously, “so I see I gotta remind you that me stayin’ away—”

“Fuck that!” I shouted.

His brows drew low. “Calm down,” he growled.

“Fuck calm too,” I retorted. “You can’t waltz in here and give your boy everything he wants—”

“Wrong,” he bit off and stabbed a finger at the wall through which, beyond the guest bedroom and the upstairs bathroom was our son’s room. “Seein’ as that’s what I’m doing right fuckin’ now.”

“You made the decision it was nothing but envelopes and cash and no promises,” I reminded him. “That wasn’t me.”

“It was the hardest decision I’ve made in my goddamned life.”

“Seems like it was easy to me.”

“Yeah?” he grunted, eyes flashing with rage.

“Yeah,” I replied fake easily, swinging a hand out in front of me for good measure, then settling it on my hip.

Darius watched my hand move, then his eyes sliced to my face.

I glared at him.

He scowled at me.

For the life of me, I couldn’t say who made the first move.

Though, I thought it was the both of us.

I went at him.

He came at me.

He was bigger, stronger. He had me up against the wall and then we were kissing and tearing at each other’s clothes.

I couldn’t tell you who gave up on the clothes-tearing thing first either, but I again thought it was the both of us.

He’d yanked up my skirt and pulled down my panties.

I stepped out of them at the same time I unzipped his jeans.

My blouse was half unbuttoned and his tee was misshapen, but we left them as they were.

I reached in, pulled him out and stroked…long and tight.

He groaned and I gasped when he lifted me up.

He pinned me to the wall then drilled into me.

My head flew back and hit wall.

Yes.

He thrust and grunted, “Mouth, baby.”

I bent my neck, gave him my mouth, and wrapped him up with my arms and legs and held tight as Darius fucked me into the wall.

Eventually, all he was giving me overwhelmed me, and I tore my mouth from his.

“Harder,” I begged.

“Can’t,” he gritted.

“Harder,” I demanded.

“Can’t, baby. I’m close.”

“Har—”

I cut myself off, whimpering and moaning through a sharp, sweet, long, beautiful orgasm. He went harder, faster, drawing out my climax, then he tucked his face in my neck and groaned, long and low.

I had my cheek against his temple, was fiddling with one of his short twists in my fingers and taking him in. His spicy, earthy smell. His strength surrounding me. His big cock still buried deep.

He moved his head so his lips were at my ear.

“He needs a growing man’s room,” he whispered there.

“Okay,” I replied.

His arms around me got tight. “Fuck, I miss you.”

I closed my eyes, and it was me who shoved my face in his neck.

It took me a second to build up the courage, but I did it and then it was also my turn to put my lips to his ear.

“Whenever you’re ready, however long it takes, we’re waiting for you.”

“Don’t,” he grunted, the word hoarse, raw.

“Baby, you’re giving him the room he’s been begging me for. You don’t think it’s true. But you prove it. Over and over again. You’re worth waiting for.”

He pulled me off him, dropped me to my feet but held me to the wall until my legs were steady under me.

He also tugged down my skirt.

Only when I was standing on my own power did he step back and tuck himself away.

He didn’t look at me.

“I know what you do,” I shared.

His head snapped up and his gaze pierced mine.

“And I don’t like it,” I said. “But I understand why you do it. And we’ll be waiting for when you’re done doing that too.”

He said nothing, just stood there looking into my eyes.

I said nothing more either, just stood there, drinking in the man I adored.

Then he made a move to go.

When he had his hand on the doorknob, I called out, “I love you.”

He turned to me then and said, “You’re beautiful. You’re crazy. You’re too damned loyal. And you’re a huge pain in my ass.”

I smiled at him.

He shook his head.

And then he was gone.

* * * *

It wasn’t long after the incident against the wall in my bedroom when I found myself in the underground parking of an office building on 15th Street in LoDo.

I knew he showed because the cameras I saw everywhere caught me leaning against the door of my car and someone at Nightingale Investigations headquarters told him I was there.

Nightingale Investigations being Lee Nightingale’s private detective agency.

Where Darius now worked.

This was not something Darius told me.

Oh no.

It was something Tony shared with me, seeing as he was surprised Darius had turned his back on the life that had kept him away from me and our son, and we were not together.

One could say, when I learned this, I was surprised too.

But that was only a very small part of what learning this knowledge made me feel.

Hence, why I was standing right there.

But I didn’t move when he showed.

I didn’t because I was drowning in sorrow, in disappointment. So much, I didn’t even have it in me to feel rage.

He stopped in front of me.

“Malia,” he greeted.

“You’re out,” I stated flatly.

“Malia—”

“You got out, you’ve been out for a while, and you didn’t come to us.”

“You don’t understand.”

“No, I don’t. And that’s tired, Darius Tucker. And you know it.”

“You think my boy wants an ex-drug dealer as his dad?”

He asked that, and he wasn’t done talking.

But I was done listening.

“I think it’s clear you don’t have the balls to find out.”

His head jerked like I’d slapped him.

But…

Fuckthat.

It was official.

It had been a good run.

But I was clean out of patience.

I said what I had to say.

I got in my car, started it up and drove away.

Darius, no surprise, didn’t try to stop me.

* * * *

“Someone kill me,” I said to myself as I drove up my driveway and saw Lee Nightingale and Eddie Chavez sitting in the cute, wicker chairs on my front porch.

I’d already hit the remote, so I drove right into the garage.

I then hit the remote to close the door, but I knew this wasn’t something I could avoid.

So I didn’t.

I went into the house, dropped my bag and attaché, and no matter that I was dying to kick them off, I didn’t take off my pumps, because going up against those two, I’d need my height, even if it came in a three-inch stiletto heel and they’d both still tower over me. So I kept them on and headed to the front door to let them in.

I said nothing, just walked to the kitchen and put the island between them and me.

They followed me but barely came into the room.

I’d seen the newspaper articles. I’d bought but hadn’t read the book.

I knew they were semi-famous. Also that Lee and Indy had finally gotten together (and I was glad for both of them) and Eddie had found his own woman, a lady named Jet.

But I didn’t figure they were there to catch up.

I started it.

“I know why you’re here.”

“No, you don’t,” Eddie replied.

“He had chance after chance,” I informed him.

“No offense, Malia, but this isn’t about you. It isn’t about Darius. It’s about Liam,” Lee reminded me.

That shut me up.

“He’s nearly grown now. He’s a smart kid. And he can make a mature decision,” Lee said.

“He’s sixteen,” I pointed out.

“You got pregnant with him at sixteen, decided to keep him and…” he looked around, and really needed to say no more.

Yes, I had Darius’s help, but even if I hadn’t, we’d have been just fine.

Because I’d made my decision determined to be a good momma and give my son a good life.

And with the help of loving family and friends, I’d done that.

But I’d decided it at sixteen.

“I’ve already asked him if he wants to meet his dad,” I told them.

“When?” Eddie asked.

I bit my lip.

Eddie sighed and quietly urged, “Ask him again.”

I opened my mouth.

But Eddie beat me to it.

“He won’t forgive himself. For the decisions he made. The things he’s done. He’s buried deep under that shit. He left that life behind, and it wasn’t easy, extricating himself from all that. But he did it. Though, he’s still mired in it. He needs forgiveness. He needs redemption.”

“He needs to be reminded that he was always who his father raised him to be,” Lee put in. “He made some shit decisions and did some shady things. But he’s always been Darius.”

He’s always been Darius.

I held no hope for me. I was thirty-three years old, and I’d given the last seventeen years of my life to a ghost.

But I was also a mother.

And if I could give my boy what he deserved to have in this life, I was going to do it.

“I’ll talk to Liam.”

Eddie’s dimple popped out.

Lee smiled the famous Lee Nightingale smile.