Chapter 6

I can hearthe way his heart beats too fast. I want to press my thumbs against his fragile human neck and trap his pulse beneath them, coaxing it to slow. He hasn’t answered me yet. I may not have posed it as a question, but what I just said requires a response.

“Will you come?” I ask.

“What changes if we do this?”

It’s not a no, so my traitorous wings begin to unfurl. They long to taste the northern winds, to lift us away from stone and steel until there is no world, no meaning except for his body entwined with mine, until I have him the way I had him on Sannaveh, raw and wounded, but utterly mine.

I lift my gaze slowly, replacing the view of the roughened gray hide of my hands with his mist blue eyes. Everything. That’s what I should say, but I don’t.

“Nothing, not really. As you said, we’ve already claimed each other—this would simply be a public declaration of our bond among my people. I believe it will help me be…less.”

I don’t complete the sentence. I have difficulty articulating myself like Jhevase. Words overflow from his lips, so much so that I can hear them even when he doesn’t speak. They surround him, made writ in his expressive face, in the slack and tension in constant play across his well-formed body. Jace dreams in words and phrases, in idiom and inference, and the words he speaks when his eyes are closed haunt me the most.

“Less what?” A lifted eyebrow and a slight jump at the side of his mouth tell me what he thinks about that. “I don’t want less.” He tries to swing his legs over the edge of the medical unit, but his booted feet stick and he grunts as a reddish flush darkens his face.

“Less controlling. Less overbearing. Less of all of the things you’ve complained about lately,” I tell him.

Jace glances up. “I never said that—I didn’t complain.”

“I want to take you home with me. I want to show you Lohnyal and let everyone see the mate I’ve chosen.”

“Okay—let’s do it. Let’s go.” He starts to smile, but just as quickly, his mouth draws into a firm line and he fixes his pale eyes upon me. “You really think they’ll allow me to come?” His mind is already spinning questions, imagining trouble although he pretends to be looking at my harsh face. “I haven’t heard of any off-worlders landing on Lohnyal since…ever, really, unless you count the accounts from the Allvek’hi seeders.”

I laugh, and although he tries to hide his wince, Jace’s shoulders tighten at the loud, gruff sound. “Those initial Allvek’hi seed-ships didn’t fare well among my people.”

Jace shakes his head side to side, unable to hide the grin slipping free. “I know. Everyone knows. That’s why we’re all scared of your kind.”

“I’ll need to request official reentry. It’s possible I may be denied. It’s been many years since I left Lohnyal, but I’d like to try.”

“Do it. I’d like to be the only human to explore your planet in the last two centuries.”

I give him a sharp look. “You won’t be exploring—not without me. If we receive permission to return to my eyrie, I’ll prepare you for our visit. It won’t be what you’re used to. My people won’t see you as anything outside of my off-worlder mate. It’s going to piss you off,” I inform him, wondering if my warning is enough to change his mind. Part of me hopes it does, and that’s the part that knows better.

“Let’s worry about that after you submit the request. Once we know we’re going, you can give me the full cultural briefing.” He flashes me one of his blindingly bright smiles. “In the meantime, I have another excuse to work on my language lessons.”

A deep vocalization slips free as I recall the last language lessons I gave him. His sweat-slick skin and the searing heat of him, the way I made him cry out mundane terms in my language, and then the way they transformed into the most beautiful sounds I’d ever heard. Fly. Lift. Take. Taste.

He sucks in a breath noisily enough that my head snaps towards him.

“I’ll help you out of the medical unit,” I tell him as I reach for him.

My hands slide over his shirt’s coarse fabric, but I still feel his warmth against my palms, and it does nothing to distract my mind from my inopportune thoughts. Neither does his light shiver, the tremble I can feel flutter beneath the pads of my thumbs. It’s a dangerous thing for me to know how much I affect him. It makes me want to push his limits even farther to see just how much desperate longing I can wring from his body.

Tonight it will be my name that he transmutes with his desire. No other words will suffice. All that he knows in all of his languages will be as nothing—Sohven will be the only intelligible sound that leaves his tongue. It’s a promise I make to myself, one I intend to keep.

He does his best to lift himself, but I swing him up a little higher, making it a bit harder for him to control the movement. I want him in my arms, off-balance, unsure of his own two feet.

“You can put me down now,” he says, breath blowing against my shoulder. I squeeze him a little tighter, ignoring his request.

“I don’t want you to fall,” I say, and then I set him down on the deck.

He pats my shoulder. “I’m good. You can let go now,” he adds with a little quirk of his lips. “How long has it been? Is everyone still in the lounge? I didn’t mean to ruin the afternoon.”

“They’re fine.” My words come out terse, but does he truly expect me to concern myself with our crewmates when he was unconscious in the medical unit for the past hour? S’ahveki and the rest can handle themselves. Jhevase is my priority.

Jace brushes off his pant legs although there’s no dust or dirt to remove. “Well, I’d like to head back and check, plus, I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten since before we left for Vattla this morning.”

His legs are only shaky for a moment before he walks right out like nothing ever happened. He doesn’t even look back to see if I’m following.

I’m already composing my re-entry request in my mind. It’s been seven standard years since I left Lohnyal. Returning won’t be nearly as simple as I told Jace, but as I close the door behind us and his confident strides take him back towards the lounge, I know I’ll find a way to convince my eyrie to approve the trip.

I need it. We need it. Stone and sky, the steaming pools of soothing waters, the taste of solena, of home, in the air, and a flight that binds, that threads our souls so thoroughly together that at last I’ll be able to rest easy.

Until then, I’ll remain as I am now. Trying to find peace is like swimming through murky waters and catching a glimpse of my elusive quarry, but never grasping it. It’s been too long since I’ve been home. As I told him before, Jace is not the only one whose nights are burdened by dreams.

When I enter the lounge, Dan has his arm wrapped around Jace’s shoulders, and he’s rubbing his furry snout against his cheek. I recite a calming discipline in my mind before I knock anything over with my wings. Soovil are tactile people. He’s only trying to apologize to Jace the best way he knows how, but understanding the impulse doesn’t make it easier to bear the sight of another male marking him.

Dan finally pulls back and slips something into Jace’s hand. Jace shakes his head and laughs, murmuring something to our crewmate, but he doesn’t give whatever it was back—he slides it into his pocket instead.

“You look like you were the one who was just poisoned, not Cesari.”

I turn my head to see Vanna looking up at me. Her nostrils flare and her tongue flickers as she scents the air, leaning in a little closer.

“Don’t,” I warn her. “If Pavok had been slower with the antidote, Jace could’ve been permanently disabled or killed. I don’t care if it was an accident. I won’t listen to jokes about my mate’s life.”

She takes a soundless step back, and the larger guard scales that cover her forehead lift to protect her face. I know enough about Nallioa to know that means she reads me as a threat right now, and the truth is, I could be.

“Sohven…” Jace calls my name, assessing me with the same sort of wary look he gave me when I was a stranger to him.

I hate it. Even if it’s my own fault, I hate seeing it again. The distance between us was supposed to be gone. He’s the one who’s always telling me it’s all better now, that nothing changed.

He turns his head away first and walks over to the cabinet to fill a cup with water. Jace sits down on the same couch as earlier. His head tips back as he laughs at something Haruk says, and I can barely stand it.

When I lose my will to pretend, I move close, directly behind the couch, and I set my hands over his shoulders. Jace looks back and smiles at me, reaching up to grab my wrists. His fingers thread themselves through mine, and my right wing hits Haruk’s side as I sweep it over the back of the couch to curve it over Jace’s body. I don’t apologize.

I stay there silent and still until S’ahveki enters the lounge again. His eyes, I meet. I lift my head and he comes to a stop midway across the room.

“Jace and I will be going to Lohnyal. I’m requesting permission to return tonight. As soon as it’s granted, I’d like to leave,” I announce.

S’ahveki’s tongue runs along the points of his upper teeth as he watches me. “Is this the temporary leave we discussed previously, or are you telling me you plan to leave the Queen for good?”

“Temporary,” Jace replies. “It looks like I’m going to meet the parents, but I’m not altogether sure yet they’ll let me come along.” He glances back at me. “How long do you think it will take to hear back from your government? I’d imagine it might be a bit before they get to your request.”

I have no satisfying answer for him. If I tell him what I anticipate will happen, it will only multiply his questions.

“Such requests aren’t common, so I have hope that mine will receive a prompt deliberation and response,” I finally reply.

S’ahveki tilts his head appraisingly, but I don’t react.

“I thought Lohnyal was a closed planet,” says Haruk. I’m not surprised someone mentioned the well-known status of my homeworld.

“Apparently, mates may receive a special dispensation,” Jace says, and from the sound of his voice, I just know his pale eyes are brimming with mischief. “There’s supposed to be a special fertility festival,” he adds.

Vanna stomps her narrow feet and waves her tail rapidly in friendly approval while S’ahveki favors Jace with a slow smile before turning his sardonic gaze in my direction.

“Mates,” S’ahveki repeats. “So, congratulations are in order?”

Pavok coughs behind his hand, his brown face taking on a dark red hue as he swallows his laugh and the cough becomes genuine.

“Are you okay?” Jace asks, leaning forward, shoulders slipping free from my grasp. Pavok isn’t struggling any longer and I can see the moment Jace’s body relaxes as he realizes our crewmate is fine. “Do you need a moment in the medical unit? It’s free now,” he says, his voice taking on the wicked bite I’m used to from his interactions with Pavok. I don’t understand his constant need to antagonize the medic, but they both seem to enjoy it.

Pavok drops his hand from his mouth and gives Jace a blank stare. “I was just thinking that if our captain lived in the same wing of the Queen as the rest of us, he wouldn’t be asking that. From the noises I heard walking past Sohven’s cabin last night, I’d assumed it was always mating season among the Lohnya.”

Jace laughs, and all of the others seem to relax as they join in on the teasing. I step away from the couch and go to one of the storage units and put together a meal for us. My wings shift and rustle, yet as the afternoon turns to evening, I can’t shake the restlessness that rides me. Now that I’ve made my decision, I don’t want to delay any longer, but I must suffer through a meal and my companions’ idle conversations.

At last, Jace rises, but he doesn’t head towards the corridor yet. He slings his arm around Dan, rubbing his forehead across the Soovil’s furry chest. Jace flicks a single faaliv stick out of his pocket as he steps back and winks at him. “Thanks again for this—I’m planning to enjoy it.”

Finally, he seems to notice me again. His dark brows lift, inviting me to follow, and just as always, I do. I’ve yet to encounter the path I wouldn’t take to stay at his side. It’s just a relief that for tonight, at least, it’ll lead to the safety of one of our cabins. From the way he’s looking at me right now, I don’t really care which one, as long as no one interferes along the way.

As soon as we’re both in the corridor, he grabs my wrist and starts to run, pulling me after him. He’s laughing, always laughing, my Jace. He releases these flashes of joy that blind me they’re so bright. From the first night I met him, I’ve been chasing that light of his, and I don’t plan on stopping anytime soon.