2. Boston

TWO

boston

Every part of me was screaming to turn back, to retreat into the solitude that had become my refuge. But the thought of her expectant eyes searching for me in the crowd was something I couldn’t ignore. My thoughts had consumed me lately, but the birthday girl was a persistent whisper in my mind. Even though I tried keeping to myself this year, I'd be there for her in a heartbeat, no questions asked. I'd drop everything, even baseball.

The party was buzzing, and I could see Chandler's roommate cutting a cake in the kitchen. It may have been the first college party I’d actually seen a birthday cake. If I had, it was usually for the aesthetic. No one actually ate said cake.

I caught sight of her. Chandler. Pure beauty in human form, surrounded by admirers, a smile lighting up the room just like I'm sure the candles did on her cake before she blew them out. Our eyes met briefly and there was a flicker of something—recognition or maybe surprise—before she quickly concealed it. She turned away, looking interested in a story one of her friends was telling.

"Yo, my boy!" The familiar voice, warm and excited, shook me out of the trance I was in. Parker bounded over with open arms. "Didn't think you’d show." He bear-hugged me, almost taking me down.

"Didn’t think I would either," I managed to say before he released me.

"Thanks for gracing us with your presence," Parker retorted with a chuckle, scratching his head sheepishly. "But seriously, glad you’re here. Shit has been weird. There’s a girl lingering around who keeps saying I never called her back. Bro, I don’t remember her at all."

"Parker, are you serious?" An annoyed voice trailed into our conversation. A girl appeared behind Parker, giving him a look that quite frankly terrified the shit out of me. Then she stormed off.

“Whoops,” Parker whispered with an alarmed look.

I patted Parker’s shoulder reassuringly and took a deep breath, feeling the weight of being here heavy on my chest. I was unsure where to rest my hands, so I found comfort in the depths of my pockets. It was a small comfort, a momentary anchor amongst the turbulence of my conflicting emotions.

Laughter and conversation filled the room as I shouldered through. Chandler was in the thick of it, her eyes sparking in the dim light every time she laughed. Some guy was standing too close for comfort, his lips barely touching her ear as he whispered something that made her laugh. A flare of irritation tightened my jaw. It wasn't jealousy—that much I had relinquished—but maybe the protective instinct I always had over her refused to loosen its grip.

I'd known her since she was a kid, tagging along after her brother and me, with that wavy chestnut hair bouncing behind her. But it had become more obvious as I got older that those innocent childhood memories were intertwined with an awareness that left me restless and on edge, always battling the feelings I had about her. She’d always been off-limits. She was my best friend's sister—and who knew what was going on with her and my mother’s other son? I wasn’t ready to say the B-word, not even close.

And despite the dark cloud that had taken up residence directly over me, it was impossible not to feel the faintest flicker of warmth around her. It wasn't happiness or the rush of excitement that I used to feel, but it was something. Something other than numbing coldness and all-consuming resentment. I couldn't afford to listen to those feelings, though. Not now. With a mental shove, I barricaded my emotions. I wasn’t going to pretend I was available emotionally—I had a giant list of other items consuming my mental capacity.

Taking a deep breath, I closed the distance between Chandler and me.

As I inched closer, a surge of familiarity coursed through my veins, so potent it almost had my arms reaching out to pull her into a hug. But I froze, held back by my inner demons. The man who would've swept her up in his arms and spun her around until dizzy with laughter… he felt like a stranger now. It wasn't that I couldn't remember how to be him, I could. I just wasn’t ready to pull him out of his darkened space.

Chandler's circle opened subtly as her friends noticed me, almost as if they all knew I was there just for her. Stepping into the space, I caught her eye, and time stopped. For a heartbeat, there was no one else, just her and those bright hazel eyes. They held a question, a flicker of recognition, and surprisingly no sign of anger or resentment.

"Happy birthday," I whispered as I gently pressed a kiss on her cheek. It was a small gesture, one that felt achingly familiar yet painfully distant.

Then I slipped away, dissolving back into the party. But Chandler's gaze lingered on me, a weight I felt even without looking back, as did the stares of her friends. They saw me walk away, they saw that moment between us, but none of them knew what it took—the force it took to do just that and nothing more.

Eventually I found Parker again outside. He sat alone on the wooden porch steps. I settled beside him, the wood creaking under our combined weight. I nudged his shoulder with my own.

"You ready for another summer in Bayside?" I asked, trying my best to infuse some lightness into the question.

Parker exhaled, a half-hearted chuckle escaping him. "Ready for baseball and seeing the boys—definitely ready for the wild nights," he admitted, running a hand through his hair.

"Same, buddy." I clapped him on the back. "So, what's your sister up to this summer?" I asked casually, observing my surroundings as if I might catch a glimpse of her.

Parker leaned back on his hands. "She's in charge of the chaos at my parents' place," he said with a chuckle. "Mom's got this whole game plan to revamp the house, paint colors and all that. I think they're going to tackle it together."

"Sounds like quite the project." I nodded, then hesitated for a second before treading lightly on the subject weighing on my mind. "Is she... still with… him?"

He picked up his beer to take a sip. "No," he said finally, shaking his head. "I don’t think they’ve talked since last summer. Love the guy now that I know him better. Badass pitcher. But I don't know if he's the one for her, you know?"

I felt something inside me loosen, a tension I hadn't fully acknowledged until then. I always cared about Chandler more than I let on, and the idea of her and Reese together had left a bitter taste in my mouth. But hearing they were no longer together was a relief.

"How about you, man? How are you doing with all that, by the way?" He put his beer down on the step next to him. "We've chatted a few times, but I still can't wrap my head around how it's all possible."

"Yeah, you're telling me," I agreed, the weight of the entire dilemma pressing down on me. The twist of fate that had revealed my baseball rival was my brother; the tangled emotions involving Chandler. I hadn’t fully processed it all yet.

"Life's a trip, isn't it?" Parker sighed, and I couldn't help but agree.

“One big trip to hell, as my grandfather used to say,” I said, as I shook my head.

“Now that’s dark,” he snickered.

The screen door creaked open, jolting us from our laughter. "Parker, I’ve been looking for you," a girl I hadn’t seen before announced. Her tone was sharp, and it drew our attention immediately.

"Some scroungy guy just tried to talk to me and spit in my eye," she explained, her disgust palpable. "Take me to your place?"

I couldn't help but smirk at her request. Parker had brought plenty of girls home this year, and it seemed like he was enjoying every minute of it.

"Sure thing," Parker said as he shot me a wink and rose from the wooden steps.

I stood up alongside him, brushing off the remnants of our conversation. "On that note, I'm gonna head home, too."

"Sounds good, man." Parker nodded, as he reached for her hand. "I'll catch you back at our place."

Before I left, I stole one final glance at Chandler—she was dancing, enjoying herself—radiating beauty. I couldn't help but think about the texts she’d sent me, all left unanswered as I threw myself into running or working out. I knew she was checking in on me through Parker. The guilt weighed heavily on me.

Retreating into the shadows, I found a hollow quietness where I could breathe through the ache left in me at seeing her. She made me feel like I was suffocating and breathing for the first time all at once. Maybe I pushed her away and ignored her messages because I knew deep down if anyone could reach into the depths I'd sunk into, to pull me out of this darkness I was in, it was her. It was who she was—kindness, loyalty, unwavering belief in the good of those she cared for. Despite the walls I’d built around myself, a tiny piece of me couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if I’d allowed her in this year now knowing Reese wasn’t in the picture.