36. Macie

Chapter thirty-six

Macie

O nce Demarius and Melanie heard Relic planned on heading to my house to wait on news of Lev, they asked if they could join, and I agreed. The day shifted by slowly as we waited. Mom made us lunch and we sat in the basement and halfheartedly watched movies. We did have one major conversation. Between movie one and two, Demarius said, "Are we going to ignore what happened with Melanie?"

I'd been sitting on the floor in front of the couch while she played with my hair because it was something she liked doing that made her relax. Her grip on my hair tightened as she tensed. I shot a panicked, "oh no," glance at Demarius. Was discussing her cutting now the best option?

Relic also raised a questioning eyebrow at Demarius. Yet Demarius continued with, "Who knew she was such a badass fighter."

Relic cracked his first grin of the day. "Melanie, you're the type of friend I want with me when shit hits the fan."

Melanie returned to playing with my hair, this time braiding it. "I didn't do anything. Macie's the one who took him down."

"You were a raging wolverine," Demarius exclaimed. "A badass."

"Very badass," Relic added.

"It's unbecoming to resist your badass title," Demarius said.

"Thank you for being my friends." Melanie paused with my hair, and I glanced back at her to see her fiddling with her friendship bracelets.

"You don't need to thank us for that," I said. "We're lucky to have you."

She frowned and I understood what was going on inside her. This need to feel like you had to say something that scared you. "Why do you like me? Because now you know I…" she trailed off, leaving unsaid about her cutting.

My heart hurt. "I wish you wouldn't do it again, but it doesn't change how we feel. We all have something going on inside us that we're scared people will judge, which sort of makes us possibly the least judgmental people in existence."

"Except when Lev wears a shark suit," Relic said. "I judge that. Or when Macie dips her fries in mayonnaise. I double judge that. I also judge Macie when she thinks she operates a ride better than me."

"I do operate rides better than you," I countered.

Relic gave me a wink. "Mayo, Macie. It's unnatural."

"I'm not ready to talk yet," Melanie admitted.

"Join the club," Relic muttered as Demarius added, "I get that."

"There's a load I don't want to talk about," I said. "But we're here when you're ready."

Later, Demarius drove Relic to pick up Camila from daycare. When they returned, we had Mom's lasagna and headed to the backyard to play with Camila. The summer evening waned, and the overhead light Dad installed so my brothers and I could play late at night flashed on. One of the two million ways Dad did whatever he could for our happiness. Guilt gnawed in my chest and the basketball bounced past me. I picked it up and tossed it to the group. "I'll be back."

Everyone continued with the game, and I was super slow as I walked into the garage. Dad had the radio on, listening to the heavy metal station, and he sat on a stool as he drew out whatever he wanted to build next. As a little girl, I used to sit on the stool next to him, asking to be included, and Dad welcomed my involvement with open arms. I wished I was that little girl again. Wished I could easily hop up on that empty stool feeling like it belonged to me.

"Hey," I said, and Dad glanced up in surprise.

"Hey, Mace. You okay?"

"Yeah. Sort of. I'm worried about Lev."

"I get that." Heavy emotions filled his eyes, and I could tell he did understand. "Everything okay with your friends?" Their laughter carried in from outside as an answer.

"Yeah. It's just that… Thank you for coming for me today, for helping, for…" I trailed off as I didn't know what to say. "I'm sorry for fighting with you."

Dad stayed silent for a beat before saying, "Right back at you. Maybe we should listen to your mom when she's trying to stop us. She does appear to be the voice of reason."

"Don't let her know. She sort of gloats."

"It's not sort of. Your mom gloats."

I leaned my back against his workbench. "I don't know why I fight with you when I don't do it with anyone else."

"Generational curse? I fought with my parents during my freshman year. I thought I knew everything, and they knew nothing."

Dad hardly ever talked about his past—at least when it came to his parents or being in foster care. What little my brothers and I did know about this era of his life was because of Mom. She'd tell us tidbits in front of him as if hoping Dad would speak up and fill us in, but he never accepted the prompt.

"What were your parents like?" I asked.

Dad rolled a pencil between his hands and then rested it on the bench. "The best. Hard on me when they needed to be. Fair most of the time. Probably fair all the time, but I was too young to see it. Maybe you and I fight because they died when I was fourteen, and now I don't know what the hell I'm doing since I had no adult guidance after that. By the time you hit high school, I've been winging this whole parenting thing."

"Did Mom fight with Grandpa?" I asked.

"Your mom buckled under your grandpa. She stood up to him a few times, but overall, she kept it all inside and let him have his way. I'd rather have you fight with me than buckle. I don't want you to be a doormat for anyone. Me included. As much as I hate it, I'm glad we're fighting again. It may not be my favorite piece of you, but it's one hundred percent you, and I like having you around again."

I liked that I was finding myself again, too. "Mom says we fight because we're alike."

Dad flashed a wry grin. "Let's not give your mom any more ammunition for gloating."

I snorted but then sobered. "You're the first person I thought of when I was shot."

Dad's smile fell, and I hated how pain overtook his expression. "Macie…"

"I lay there and kept thinking: I want my dad." My throat thickened and I breathed through it, even when my eyes burned with building tears. "Even though you make me so angry…" How to explain? "You're the first one I think of when I need help. When I woke up from the sedation in the hospital, you were there. When PT was horrible, you were there. When I was scared at night when I first came home, you were there. You have always been there when I need you, and then I go and fight with you…" My voice broke and I trailed off as I hugged myself, feeling as if all my insides might fall out if I didn't.

"Why do I do it?" I asked. "Why can't I tell you I love you? Because when I lay on the ground bleeding, gasping for air, I kept thinking that I didn't tell you enough that I loved you. I never said it nearly enough. I still don't, and I don't understand why."

Dad ran a hand over his face as he stood. He gathered me into his arms and hugged me tight. "I love you, too, Macie," he whispered as he kissed my head. "I love you so damn much. I'm sorry I couldn't stop what happened to you. I'm so sorry."

I hugged him back. "It's not your fault."

"But it's my job to protect you. It's my job to keep you safe."

"You're doing your job. You came when I called. That's all I need." I would never stop needing my dad. Ever.

"Always, Macie," Dad said. "Always. I swear to you, whenever you need help, I'm there." Dad squeezed me then whispered, "We have problems."

Confused, I eased back and wiped my eyes and running nose. "What's that?"

Dad tipped his chin toward the front of the garage. "Your mom's gloating again."

I turned and laughed when I saw her leaning against the front wall of the garage, watching us with that this-is-what-I-had-been-trying-to-do-all-along smug smile.

I took a deep breath and jumped into the deep end of the pool. "Would you two like to officially meet Relic?"

Dad glanced at Mom then back at me. "Did he really help you go to the scene?"

"They all did, but Relic's been great. I don't know how to explain it, but it's easier to talk to him about it. His life is complicated, though. More complicated than I can claim to understand."

"But your dad could understand," Mom said as she joined us in the back of the garage. "He doesn't talk about it a lot, but his years in foster care were very complicated."

Dad didn't deny it, just crossed his arms. "Isaiah had it rougher."

His phone pinged and adrenaline coursed through my system as I spotted Isaiah's name. As Dad read the text to himself, I practically popped out of my skin. "Well? Is Lev okay?"

"I don't know about okay," he said as he finished reading, "but Isaiah and Rachel are on their way here with him. They were granted emergency foster placement of Lev."

***

Best part of having a mom who was a therapist—she sometimes had great advice. Like when she said to all of us, "Sometimes there aren't right words. Sometimes being there is enough. You don't need to force anything to make Lev feel better. He's not okay, it's okay for him to feel that way, and it's okay for you to not feel like you have to fix it or make him better. Because you can't fix it, and you can't make it better. What you can do is let him know that he's loved and isn't alone."

So, we all stood in the kitchen, waiting for Lev, and when he walked in, Melanie raced across the room and tackled him in a hug. He hugged her back. Their embrace made my heart sad and happy. At the start of summer, they were strangers. Gradually, they'd become best friends.

When Melanie pulled back, she gasped at the bruises and swelling along his face. Relic saved her from having to say anything as he walked up to Lev. "How are you doing, brother?"

Relic offered him his hand and Lev took it. Relic pulled Lev in for a brief pat hug and whispered something in his ear. Lev gave a small laugh, and then Demarius went in for his hug. I was last, and I hugged Lev so tightly, as if I could squeeze out all his pain.

"So, you've met my aunt and uncle," I said as I pulled back.

"Guess you could say that," Lev answered, and I hated how one of his eyes had swelled shut.

"Want some food?" I asked. "My mom made the best lasagna."

"We've been watching movies," Melanie said. "Waiting for you. Do you want to go into the basement and watch one?"

Lev turned to look at Isaiah and Rachel who hung by the door. My heart dropped at how frightening this must be for him. Sure, his dad was a massive jerk and his mother wasn't much better, but they were his mom and dad. He knew them, loved them, and while his world was messed up, it was still his world. Now, he had been expelled from that world, sent to live with complete strangers, unsure of what was going to happen one minute to the next.

"You can do what you want," Rachel offered. "If you'd like to stay, we can, but if you're tired, we can head back to our house. It's right next door."

"I want to hang here if that's okay," Lev said, and then to me, "I'll take some food."

"I'll get it." Mom jumped into action. "I'll warm it up and bring it down. You all go on to the basement."

So, we did, together.

***

Waking me, my cell vibrated in my back pocket. I blinked to focus on the time: 11:30 at night. Camila fell asleep at 9:30. A few minutes later with her snuggled up next to him, Relic drifted off. Melanie's Mom picked her up at 10:00. Demarius fell asleep at 10:15, then Lev went down for the count five minutes later. Evidently, I wasn't immune to the exhaustion.

Mom: Can you come up?

I stretched then quietly went up the stairs. Mom, Dad, Isaiah, and Rachel sat at the kitchen table, and I dropped into a chair to join them. "Everyone fell asleep."

"It's been a long day," Mom said. "I'm sure you're all tired."

"Is it okay for everyone to stay the night? Demarius and Relic are tired, and I hate the idea of them being on the road." I also hated the idea of Relic returning home with the gang looming like a monster in the shadows.

"What about their parents?" Mom asked.

"Demarius's parents said it was okay. They understand we wanted to support Lev tonight. I can give you their number if you want. I've met them. They're really awesome people."

"What about Relic?" Dad asked.

Groggy, I rubbed my head to kick-start my slow brain and decided to go with the truth. "Relic is responsible for himself and his sister."

"He doesn't have parents or legal guardians?" Rachel asked, and Isaiah shifted in his chair as if uncomfortable.

Not sure what to say, Dad saved me. "It's complicated."

Isaiah shared a heavy silent exchange with Dad, then Dad said, "They can stay."

I breathed out with relief as it felt like Dad and I had finally found some steady ground. Trust. Understanding. "Thank you."

"But no more basement tonight for you," Dad said.

"Understood." Loud and clear.

"Lev can't stay the night," Rachel said. "At least not tonight. We only have an emergency order. Mrs. Collins and his social worker are working on something more permanent, but right now we need to avoid anything out of the box."

It sucked, but I understood. "Do you want me to get him?"

"In a minute," Isaiah said. "We have two more favors."

"Sure."

"We already talked to Seth," Rachel said. "And he said Lev can take any clothes he needs. We'll take Lev shopping tomorrow, but for tonight, he doesn't have anything. We think Lev will be more apt to take something from Seth if you go with him."

My mind raced with that—could I imagine starting over with strangers, with nothing?

"Makes sense. Just to let you know, Lev wears whatever he feels like. Boy clothes. Girl clothes. Honestly, he does this chic interlacing between masculinity and femininity. He sometimes wears makeup and applies it better than I do. And he wears shark suits. To therapy. Not to work. I banned shark suits from work."

Isaiah crossed his arms over his chest, highlighting his sleeve of tattoos. "Do I look like someone who gives two fucks what anyone looks like?"

"Nope," I said with pride.

"Right answer." He leaned forward. "And for the second favor, Lev might feel safer if you walked him to our house and showed him the place. My house belongs to you as much as it does Ariel, so you know where everything is."

"Isaiah and I will be in the kitchen," Rachel added. "In case he has any questions or concerns. We won't go to bed until he's been asleep for a while, just in case he needs us."

Isaiah spent most of his life in the foster care system, so I respected his suggestions, and Rachel had a heart the size of the galaxy. "I can do that."

I stood, but paused before leaving, looking at my nonblood aunt and uncle. "Thank you for taking Lev in. You are the most amazing people in the world." I had never understood until now what a big deal it was that they gave teens a home when they needed it the most.

Rachel glanced down with a shy smile, and Isaiah pulled at his ears covered in earrings, a typical response from him when he didn't have words, which sometimes happened. Actions were his comfort spot.

I left the kitchen to wake Lev.

***

"Isaiah and Rachel will take you shopping tomorrow," I explained. "But they want you to have something to wear tonight and tomorrow."

Quiet and trudging up the stairs like he was exhausted, Lev trailed behind. Wanting Lev to know he had options, I brought him to my room, turned on the light, opened my closet, and took a step back. "We'll hit my brother Seth's room next. Warning: he has a ton of athletic pants and shirts. It's sort of like Nike and Adidas were rabbits and had a ton of babies."

Lev stared at me, dumbfounded. "What do you want me to do?"

"Whatever you want. If you want any clothes from my closet, great. If you don't, that's also great. If you'd prefer something from Seth's room, I might slightly judge you, but I'll accept it." I paused. "I noticed you seem happier when wearing skirts, and I have a few of those."

"I like letting the boys breathe," he said as he took in in my closet.

"I could have lived my whole life without knowing that."

For the first time today, he gave a ghost of a smirk.

"What will Isaiah and Rachel say?" he asked in a small voice. "My father lost his mind when I wore a skirt, so I had to change after I left the house and before I went home."

"They don't care."

Lev looked straight into my eyes. "I'm bi. Are they going to be okay with that?"

"Isaiah and Rachel are very open minded."

"Yeah," he said slowly, "people say they're open minded, but then—"

"Rachel's twin brother is married to a man. Rachel was Ethan's best woman in the ceremony, and Isaiah married them."

Lev fingered a hanging sweater. "I'm scared, Macie." He released the sleeve, and it fell back into the closet. "I'm scared of what happened today. I'm scared to go home. I'm scared not to go home. I'm scared to go to Isaiah and Rachel's. I've never been so scared in my life, and I've literally hidden under my bed to escape my father."

I didn't understand his life, but I understood fear. "I'm scared all the time, too."

"The carjacking?" he pushed.

I slowly nodded as I dug deep for the courage to answer. Would it ever get easier? Talking about that night? A hive formed on my arm, and I fought through the closing of my throat to say, "I'm constantly terrified that the people who carjacked me are going to return and hurt me and my family."

"Have you found a way to make it better?" he asked. "Being scared?"

"Meeting all of you made it better. I don't feel so alone anymore. If you want, I can stay the night in Ariel's room. The room you'll be in will be across from there. We can leave the doors open and move the beds so we can see each other. It'll be like a slumber party."

He swallowed hard, as if fighting tears. "I'd like that."

Feeling like crying myself, I changed the subject. "My hips are wider than yours, so I'm not sure what'll fit."

"I love you, but your clothes suck. You have too much of a conservative look for me."

That made me laugh. "Gee. Thanks."

"It's okay. Not all of us can pull off shark suits."

So true. "If anything, we can hit up Ariel's closet. She has much better stuff than me, and I promise she won't care. She'll probably bring a whole new wardrobe home from Paris."

"Ariel Walker?" Lev asked with a devilish glint in his good eye.

"Yup."

"I would love to see her closet. But first, let's visit your brother. I bet he has something I might be able to work with."