34. Macie

Chapter thirty-four

Macie

R elic was quiet. Heavy. Something was wrong and I didn't know what. Group therapy, though, went on. While we all fluttered looks between each other and Relic, everyone sensing he was off, we pushed forward. Especially Demarius. Even Relic, in the mood he was in, focused solely on Demarius as he told us the story of his parents taking him to see the player who had been hurt on the field from the tackle.

Demarius continuously wiped at falling tears as he spoke. "He told me not to blame myself, and I didn't know what to say because I do. I asked him if he's mad, and he told me he was, but not at me. He's mad at life, and I get it because I am, too. Part of me feels better knowing he doesn't blame me, but I don't know how to stop blaming myself."

Mrs. Collins sat in a chair by the door watching us, and I could tell that Demarius' story hurt her heart like it did all of ours. Zuri, sitting with us in our circle, leaned forward as if to let Demarius know she was here for him. "Self-forgiveness can be hard, but it is possible. We often offer grace more easily to other people, yet continually beat ourselves up. But you're making amazing progress. It had to take a ton of courage to visit him. I'm sure the fears you had were overpowering, but don't you feel better knowing instead of guessing what he had to say?"

"The guessing game in my head was a million times harder." He glanced at everyone, but his eyes tracked to me. "We all have baggage, and I would have never thought I'd be the one to say this, but confronting it head on is better than avoiding it." He mouthed to me, "Thank you."

The "thank you" was, I guess, for our deal, the swap for my going to where the carjacking happened. Keeping his end of the bargain had pushed him to go talk to the player. I gave a nod, but it felt half-hearted. Had I really wrangled my issues? No. Visiting the site felt more like a gentle nudge.

"If it's okay," Demarius said, "I'm exhausted and don't want to talk anymore. It's someone else's turn."

"That's more than okay," Zuri said. "We're all proud of you."

All of us, including Relic, gave an affirmation to that, and Demarius slouched in his seat like he'd just run a marathon.

"Who'd like to go next?" Zuri asked, and we all traded that "why-don't-you-go-because-I'm-not-ready?" look.

If I had to, I could talk. I could tell them how Dad and I weren't talking to each other. Then there was Mom, who I could tell was disappointed in how I handled the fight with Dad but was also strangely proud of me for mentioning the tattoo. Now, we were waiting on my Aunt Abby, who worked with the FBI, to come home from an out-of-town business trip because they thought maybe she'd be able to help me describe the tattoo. But before I could mention any of that, Lev said, "I'm not supposed to be here."

The tension in the room rose a billion percent.

"What do you mean you're not supposed to be here?" Zuri asked.

"My dad said I can't come to group therapy anymore."

My eyes met with Relic's, both of us sharing a, "What the hell?".

Zuri glanced back at Mrs. Collins. Mrs. Collins said, "I've not heard anything from your family about withdrawing you from the program."

"Dad's sending an email today, but he told me not to come. He also wants me to quit my job."

Just the idea of his dad not appreciating how great a worker Lev was caused my spine to straighten. "Why?"

Lev picked at the chipped pastel pink polish on his fingernails. "He said he sent me to therapy to make me normal. He doesn't think that therapy is making me normal. He said it's making me worse, and he said that he doesn't like my influences at work."

"He means he doesn't like us," Relic said as interpretation to the rest of us, but we knew that already.

Lev shrugged then looked over at Relic with the saddest eyes. "He doesn't get sharks like we do."

"We have to do something." The alarm in Melanie's voice caught my attention. "We can't let that happen. Lev is a part of us. How do we stop this?"

"Well." Zuri's eyes darted between all of us and Mrs. Collins who had taken a seat in the circle. "Mrs. Collins and I will check our emails again. But we haven't received anything yet, so maybe your father didn't mean it."

Lev took his phone out of his pocket, and with a few pushes of his fingers, he brought up his email. He showed it to Zuri. "He sent it ten minutes ago. And if you're wondering, he's currently rage texting me because he figured out that I'd walked here."

"You live five miles away," Demarius said.

"I left early," Lev said. "I wanted to be here."

Demarius turned to him, "You should have called me."

"Or any of us," I said, but Lev stared at the floor. "We're your friends."

"I wanted this last meeting to go like normal, I guess." Lev gave a bitter laugh. "As normal as we all are, you know?"

"This can't be happening." Melanie's voice broke, and I reached over to her to take her hand as I understood the panic. She held tight to me.

"What do we do?" Relic asked in a low and threating tone, and he looked at Mrs. Collins and Zuri for an answer. "How do we stop this?"

"Lev," Mrs. Collins said. "Is your father coming to pick you up or your mother?"

Lev checked his phone. "Dad and Mom are turning into the parking lot as we speak. I guess this is goodbye."

He stood and so did Mrs. Collins. "Lev, stay here. I'm going to talk to your parents."

All the blood drained from his face. "Please don't do that."

"It'll be okay." Mrs. Collins offered him a reassuring smile. "This can happen. Sometimes parents put their children in therapy with the idea of what they want out of it for their children. When that happens, we have to step in to remind them that the point of therapy is for their children to grow into themselves, not into someone who meets another person's ideal. Give me a few minutes to talk with your parents and we'll try to sort this out."

"You don't understand," Lev said. "Dad gets mad."

"Dealing with upset people is part of my job description," Mrs. Collins said cheerily as she left.

"This is bad." Lev paced as Zuri said, "Why don't we sit, Lev, and we can discuss what's going on inside you."

"Inside me?" Lev skidded to a halt. "There are a million things inside me, and Dad hates them all. When I'm here, when I'm at work, there are people who love the things inside me, but Dad doesn't, and it makes him angry, and I wish Mrs. Collins wouldn't talk to him."

"Why?" Zuri pushed.

Lev trembled. Relic and I glanced at each other again because everyone in the room had to feel the shockwave his quake caused.

"Tell them." Melanie stood and confronted Lev.

Lev folded into himself, wrapping his arms around his stomach. "I can't."

"You can."

His face contorted. "I told you because I trusted you to not tell."

"You told me because you need help. Just like I need help. Just like we all need help. Some secrets aren't meant to be kept."

"Brave from you," he spat. "You haven't told anyone else why you're here. Why should I spill my secret, but you get to keep yours?"

"Fine," she said, never taking her eyes from him. "I'm here because I cut myself. All my friends dumped me the summer between eighth grade and freshman year, and I had nobody this past year, so I cut myself because I preferred that pain over the one inside me. My parents found out, so they sent me to a psychiatric hospital, and this is part of my outpatient therapy. Now, it's your turn. Tell them, Lev."

My heart twisted and my brain raced as I couldn't keep up with it all.

Lev wiped his eyes as they filled with tears. "He hits me."

"Who hits you?" Relic barely breathed out, and the rage was clear in his tone.

"My dad," Lev whispered. "He hits me and my mom. Sometimes, she hits me too, but it's because she's mad that I made Dad angry. He has a lot of anger, and when he gets mad, he hits people. Even our neighbor. Guys at the bar. He just gets angry."

"Mrs. Collins," Demarius said, and in a blink of an eye, he was out of the room. Relic right behind him. Lev then bolted, and Melanie and I followed.

The world moved in a slow-motion blur. Down the hallway, out into the bright sunlight. Halfway across the parking lot, Lev's father towered over Mrs. Collins, screaming at her. His face red, spit flying from his mouth, saying the most awful things about her, about Lev, about how coming here made his son worse. Mrs. Collins kept edging back as he pushed into her personal space. Lev's mom sat in the front seat of the car, staring ahead as if nothing was happening.

With her hands in the air, Mrs. Collins told him to take a deep breath, to calm down and when she said, "I'm done speaking with you. We can talk again when you're calm," Lev's father grabbed her arm and backhanded her across the face.

"Don't touch her!" Lev jumped forward, put his hands on his father's wrist, and the air rushed out of my lungs as Lev's father sent a blow. Lev went flying backwards. He hit the concrete hard, his head smacking the ground.

We all froze, but then, as Lev slowly eased up, dazed at what happened, his father stalked after him again, the fury on his face making it clear he wasn't done.

"Get in the car!" Lev's dad roared.

Lev crawled backwards in retreat. "No."

"Get in the car now!" Lev's dad grabbed his arm, jerked him to his feet, but Lev's legs gave, and Lev's dad dragged him across the ground. "Get up!" When Lev didn't, Lev's father threw back his arm to punch him.

Zuri screamed, "No!" as Demarius and Relic raced for Lev's father.

I ran for them, too. "Demarius! Relic's on probation! He can't hit him!"

A split second before Relic reached Lev's father, Demarius tackled Relic sending them both rolling to the ground. I raced past them. Lev's father punched Lev, one blow raining down after another. I grabbed his arm as Melanie jumped on Lev's father's back. She pulled at his hair, scratched at his face. He released Lev, trying to fight off me and Melanie. Years and years of Dad, Isaiah, and West showing me how to defend myself came flooding back, and it all came down to the same thing. When all else fails…

I kicked the hell out of Lev's dad. His crotch, his stomach, his legs, and then wherever I could reach as I shouted and screamed, "No one will hurt me! No one will hurt me ever again!"

Lev's father crumbled to the ground, yet I kept kicking. Arms went around me, lifting me into the air. I screamed, sobbed, I fought, and Relic said into my ear, "It's okay. He's down. You're right. No one's going to hurt you again. Ever. You're too strong for that."

I stopped then—the crying, the yelling. A strange sensation created a different type of haze. No. Oh no. I punched someone. Hit them. Lost control. Jail. I was going to jail. What had I done? In the deafening silence, we then heard Lev cry, Lev's father curse and moan, and Mrs. Collins begging the police for help. Lev's mother still sat in the car, staring straight ahead, as if comatose.

The edges of my vision were cloudy, a loud buzzing noise filled my head, and I couldn't think straight. Oh my God. What happened? What did I do? I needed help. Lev needed help. What was going to happen to him now? What was going to happen to me?

Keeping an arm around me, Relic lowered me to the ground, crouched in front of me, and tucked my hair behind my ear. "You okay? Did he hurt you?"

I blinked once because I didn't know. "I hit him."

"You did," Relic said. "The bastard deserved it."

"I hit him." I jerked my cell out of my back pocket and desperately entered my code wrong two times before breaking through. On autopilot, I called who I needed, who I knew could make everything okay.

One ring then the answer, "Mace?" Dad said. "You okay? I thought you had therapy today."

"I need you," I hurried out. "Please come. Please. I need you, Dad. I need you now."