20. Macie

Chapter twenty

Macie

G roup therapy was uncomfortably silent. Relic didn't say one word. I didn't say one word. We both sat with our arms crossed, doing everything in our power to not look at one another. At least I did. I felt so unbelievably hurt and betrayed that the pain inside me mirrored the pain of thinking of February.

The most frustrating part of the situation was that I still needed his help. I still couldn't drive more than the two blocks from home, and I could barely drive those two blocks without passing out from anxiety. So, to make my parents—who were blustery with happiness that I was driving—still happy, I kept up the charade and Relic and I never spoke.

"Okay, everyone," Zuri tossed her hands into the air. "I give. What's going on? The past couple sessions, all of you were participating, and I felt like we had made some major headway. Now, even when I pull names, no one talks. Can someone clue me in on what I'm missing?"

Relic stayed stoic. Demarius rolled his neck like he was uncomfortable. Beside me, Melanie twitched like she wanted to talk, but couldn't. Zeus the therapy dog had stuck by her side since the start of the session. He currently had his head on her lap and he occasionally whined. It was weird for Melanie to stay as quiet as she had been today, and even Lev was unusually silent. He flipped his gaze between me and Relic like he was watching an extremely intense tennis match. He had been doing this nearly the entire hour, and it had gotten old three minutes in.

"Anyone?" Zuri prodded. "On anything? Can someone say something?"

Lev leaned over to Demarius and whispered, yet everyone could hear, "I don't think the shrink notices Mom and Dad are fighting."

Relic's head dropped in an obvious, "Fuck me," and I rubbed my temples as a terrible ache pulsed in my brain.

"What do you think is going to happen to us kids in the divorce?" Lev continued to whisper to Demarius. "It's obvious that Melanie is going to need our support. I think it's hitting her hard, but I'm worried about you, big guy. Do you need a shoulder to cry on?"

"Lev!" both Relic and I snapped at the same time, and at that moment, Melanie bolted out of the room.

Zuri called out, "Melanie," as Lev said, "What did I do?"

Somehow, feeling stupidly responsible for Melanie's hurt feelings, I went after her.

"Macie!" Zuri called out after me. "Lev, why are you lying on the floor?"

In the hallway, I heard the bathroom door shut, and I went in after Melanie. One of the stall doors was closed, and sounds of muffled cries filled the restroom. I had no idea why Melanie was upset, but I hated how everything hurt her all the dang time.

"Are you okay?" I asked from my side of the closed door.

"I'm fine," she said in a broken voice that indicated she was not fine.

"Why are you upset?"

"I'm not."

Thankful for the closed door, I rolled my eyes. "You are, and it's okay to be upset. Can we talk about it?"

After a few seconds of her choking on a sob and then blowing her nose, Melanie came out of the bathroom stall with tear mark rivets in her thick foundation. Mascara ran from her red eyes. She sighed. I sighed. I really needed to teach this girl how to properly apply makeup. "Come here. Let me fix you up."

She shuffled toward me and the sinks. I pulled out two paper towels, wetted one and kept the other dry. I went to work wiping the smudged mascara. "Why are you crying?"

"I don't know."

I'd been to enough therapy sessions since February that I had the follow up question memorized. "If you had to make a guess as to why you were crying, what would it be?" Okay, so the therapists worded it much better than me, but that was what they were trying to get at.

"I don't know. Our group therapy sessions have been fun."

I had never known any therapy session to be fun, but I went along for the ride. "You mean the one where Lev wore a shark suit?"

"Yeah, that one and the other ones since then, and then you got us all jobs at the park and training was super fun and, so far, work has been super fun. When I'm at work, you and Demarius and Lev and Relic all talk to me…" She trailed off, and I wished she wouldn't because my brain couldn't come up with how all of that led to her crying and me fixing her makeup.

"And?" I prodded.

"I thought we were becoming friends."

I pointed at the thick layer of bracelets. "It looks like you have plenty of friends."

"But I liked having you all as friends."

I mashed my lips together and went to work blending her foundation. "I am your friend. I'm also your supervisor, so at work I'm always going to be bossing you around."

At least she half laughed at that.

"But I am your friend."

"Are you just saying that?"

I don't know, was I? "I like you. You're sweet and kind. You listen. You talk a lot, but you do listen. You follow all the instructions we give you at work and you ask questions, which is awesome because not everyone does and that can cause accidents. I can tell you want to do well, and I'm very proud with how you've done."

Her eyes had the start of a sparkle. "I want to be the best assistant ride operator there is."

"You're off to a good start. Did you know I started as an assistant ride operator?"

"That's so cool."

Eh, not really, as that was how everyone started out, but I liked that she was coming around. "Do you have any powder foundation?"

She dug it out of her massive purse and handed it to me. I went to work lightly applying it, and then I turned her toward the mirror. "See? Doesn't that look better? You have beautiful skin, so you don't need a lot of liquid foundation. A light application of powder will do the trick to even out your skin tone, which to be honest, you don't need."

Her smile went ear to ear, and I smiled along with her. Melanie turned to me and became very somber. "Why are you and Relic fighting?"

I wanted to deny we were, but doing so would upset her. Friends, after all, were supposed to share important parts of each other's lives. "He hurt my feelings." It was a very dumbed down version of what happened, but it was the best I had.

"Do you want me to talk to him?"

"No. It's complicated and he hurt me. Now, why don't we go back into group before Zuri has a complete meltdown? It's not like we've been the easiest group today."

Melanie giggled and when we returned to Zuri's office, Zuri's superior sat in a chair next to her. Ah, so Zuri called in the big guns. It made me feel bad. Zuri, with all the crap we gave her, did try, and she did seem to care. I wondered if our brief mutiny would be a mark against her.

"Hello." The woman gave us a kind smile. She had blond hair, appeared to be in her late fifties, maybe early sixties, and stared at me as if she could see into my soul. "As I was explaining to the rest of the group, my name is Mrs. Collins, and I'm going to sit in for the rest of the session today. How does everyone feel about that?"

That was one of those we-don't-have-a choice questions, so we all mumbled some sort of, "That's fine."

"Zuri filled me in how things became intense a few minutes ago, and I believe it would be good for us to talk about how we're feeling."

Silence from all of us.

"Zuri tells me you all are now working together at the amusement park. Did something happen at work?"

"Relic needs to apologize to Macie." Melanie glared at Relic. He slowly raised one eyebrow, not like he was mad, but more like he was proud of Melanie. I had a feeling not many people confronted him.

"Okay," Mrs. Collins said deliberately. "Without giving details of the issues, Macie, do you feel like Relic needs to apologize?"

Anger flared within me, and I crossed my arms. Relic should have been apologizing on his knees since that night at Game Place. "Relic can do whatever Relic wants to do."

Relic stared at me from across the circle, his legs lazily stretched out and he mirrored me with his arms crossed. I did anything but look at him because he lost that privilege.

"Relic, without going into what transpired between you and Macie, do you feel like you owe Macie an apology?" Mrs. Collins prodded.

His shoulders fell, his posture no longer so razor edged. Relic leaned forward, rubbing his hands together. "I do."

"Then why don't you?" Mrs. Collins asked.

Relic glanced at me, and for the first time, I didn't tear my gaze away. I still hurt, but I wanted to know where this was heading. "She won't believe me."

"Why not?" Mrs. Collins pressed.

He looked at Mrs. Collins this time and some of the edge returned. "Because who would believe me ?"

Me. How he said it. It wasn't just a word, but a weight. A two-million-pound weight that was chained around him and he was being forced to walk the plank into the sea. I swallowed hard. His life being different from mine… Is that why he didn't think he could talk to me?

"I may not have exactly given Relic an opportunity to explain," I said, offering the truth.

"Would you like to give Relic an opportunity?" Mrs. Collins asked.

Everyone stared at me: Lev with his hands clasped together and Melanie sitting on both of her hands as if restraining herself from jumping into the conversation. Even Zuri leaned forward as if she were waiting on bated breath for the answer.

"Sure," I said, but then added, "but I don't want to do this in front of everyone. It's private."

Lev clapped, Melanie bounced in her seat, and even Demarius smiled.

"Okay," Mrs. Collins said. "How about the three of you follow Zuri to the cafeteria? I brought ice cream so we could have sundaes because I had heard you all had been doing so well."

"Ice cream!" Lev happily announced, and he skipped out of the room. Melanie, Demarius, and Zuri followed.

Once they were gone, Mrs. Collins glanced between me and Relic. "Would the two of you like me or Zuri to stay to help you work through this issue?"

"No," Relic and I answered simultaneously.

"I'm going to give you some privacy to discuss, and I'll be in the hallway if you need anything. But I am going to put this out there for you both to contemplate. Everyone in this room looks up to the two of you. They feed off your energy. If you talk, they talk. If you stay silent, they stay silent. The two of you have a great opportunity to help some very wonderful people by being open to this process. Who knows, maybe it can help the two of you, as well."

Mrs. Collins left, and Relic and I stared at one another. He looked toward the door, and when he didn't see anyone, he said, "I'm sorry, Macie."

"So, you don't want to use me to reap the fifty-thousand-dollar reward?" I laid the sarcasm and anger on thick.

Relic rubbed his hands together. "I had no idea that the reward was a thing until after you and I became friends. My life…" He paused, and my heart hurt when he muttered curses under his breath. "My life isn't like yours. We don't have a big fancy house and I don't have a mom and a dad who give a shit. Me and my sisters, we don't make ends meet. I decide monthly what bills to pay and what services we're going to live without. During the summer, without free school breakfast and lunches, I go days without eating anything more than a piece of bread or bologna because my younger sister will eat before I do."

I wanted to say I was sorry, but I knew that would only hurt his pride, so I stayed silent.

"I do what I have to do to survive," he continued. "So, when I heard that there was a reward for the person who carjacked you, yeah, I thought about talking to you to see if I could play detective. That money would solve a lot of my problems. People who say money can't buy you happiness are people who have money and don't live my life. Money is what I think about twenty-four-seven. It's exhausting, but it's my reality.

"Because we come from two different worlds, I don't know how to explain to you that I can't separate my constant need to survive from the fact that I was enjoying having this amazing person in my life who I couldn't stop thinking about."

Okay, so that part softened some frozen pieces of my heart.

"I like you, Macie. I really like you, and a normal person would have never considered using something in your life, especially something so awful, for money. I have a feeling you think linear. A plus B equals C. My brain, though? If there's a way for me to take care of my family, my brain will twist like boiled spaghetti and grab hold. It doesn't make it right that I wanted the money, and I sure as fuck regret that having the thought caused me to lose what could have been the best friendship with the most amazing person I've ever met. I don't deserve a second chance, but if you give it, I promise I'll never try to make a dime off you."

"That was one hell of an apology," I said, because my brain had stalled out from all that he had admitted.

"Apologizing is all I've thought about since it happened, so I've had time to think it through."

"Why didn't you say something to me? We've been in the car together multiple times since that night."

Relic gave an unsure shrug. "I figured after what you heard, there was no way for me to dig out of the hole, so why try? You know why I'm here in therapy, and you still landed me that job. I piss you off and you still keep the same shifts as me and trust me to drive you, which don't fool yourself—I need that ride. You've done a lot for me, and I didn't want to make things worse. If you didn't want to talk to me again, then I wanted to respect that."

Confused, I scratched at a forming hive. "Relic, you act like I'm selfless. I need you to drive me because I can't do it, and I have no intention of letting my parents know I can't drive. For the first time in months, they're happy. I can't take that from them. My mom and dad have been miserable because I can't be a truly functioning human being. I can't talk about February, I can't drive, and until going to my job, I never left the house if it wasn't for therapy."

I pressed my hands to my chest. "I am a walking sideshow who has created this huge carnival of lies to make them happy. I'm pretty sure that I blackout multiple times when I drive the few blocks to and from my house. There's nothing safe about it. Even when you drive, you don't notice that I'm searching for the next team of ninjas to attack me?"

He gave a solid shoulder shrug that he had noticed.

"I can't relax in the car. I can't relax anywhere. At work, as the sun starts to set, I overthink how many strangers are around me, and hives form on my arms. And I get so many hives all the time that I'm sure they're going to become permanently ingrained in my skin until I eventually become this itching misery of a swollen blob. But I'll take the hives and the anxiety attacks in private because I can't stand breaking my family's hearts. Not anymore."

Relic absorbed it all as if I hadn't downloaded onto him more than I had told anyone since February. Silence stretched between us, and I itched incessantly at the new nest of hives. "Please say something, because I don't know what to say and something needs to be said."

"Ninjas?" he asked.

My entire face scrunched up.

"You said you're waiting for ninjas to attack."

I tossed my hands out in frustration, "It was hyperbole."

"I swear to God I've never heard anyone use that in an actual sentence. An English teacher, maybe, when saying, ‘Hey, there's this phrase, it's called hyperbole.' But anyone ever using it in a sentence? That's a first. Kudos to you, Mazie Hutchison. You should put extra sprinkles on your sundae."

I don't know why, but I cracked a smile, and the hives didn't itch as much. "You're such an asshole."

Relic gave me his pirate smile. "At your service."

"Thanks," I said.

"For what?"

"Saying something." For stopping me from spiraling.

Relic was silent for a few beats, but then said, "At first, I couldn't understand why I was drawn to you. Yeah, you're beautiful. Sexier than any woman I've ever seen."

I blushed. He noticed and his lips lifted a tad, but then he became serious again. "But I understand it now."

The weird part? I was drawn to him, as well. "And what is it that you understand?"

"We both love our families more than we love ourselves. As long as our families are okay, we'll happily take on the hurt. We'll bury ourselves before they're ever unhappy. Sounds fucked-up, right?"

My breath rushed out of my body as he hit a nerve I didn't know existed.

"So, what do you say?" Relic asked. "Can we be friends again?"

He looked at me with such hope and adoration and as if I were the only girl who mattered. Butterflies spread their wings and took flight in my stomach. "We can definitely can be friends again." And hopefully we could still be friends who kissed.