Chapter Forty-Five

Sephie

I slid my arm through Viktor’s as we walked around the pool. I stopped to inspect the rose bushes at the edge of the gardens as we passed, noticing the tiniest of little buds starting to appear. It was a sign of warmer days ahead, which made me quite happy to see.

“I’m going to be counting down the days to when I can stop wearing a coat outside now,” I said, as we continued toward the woods.

Viktor laughed quietly. “You would struggle to live in Russia during the winter,” he said.

“You are not wrong there. I wouldn’t have survived. I would’ve frozen to death. I know it. I was not cut out to be that hardy,” I said.

He squeezed his arm around my hand. “I think you’re more Russian than you give yourself credit for, Sephie. You’ve survived more than most people I know. You’re hardier than you think,” he said, looking down at me. The look of pride on his face was unmistakable. I couldn’t help but grin at him.

We walked in comfortable silence for a while, before my curiosity got the better of me. “How does Ilya like working for Vitaliy?”

A wide smile stretched across his face. “He’s very happy. He gets along well with the other guys, even though they’re much older than he is. Aleksei is catching up his training, which makes them both happy. Ilya is happy to learn more, Aleksei is happy to teach more. Vitaliy is happy to be rid of his little flowers.”

“And once again, we saved the world,” I said wistfully. “So how likely do you think it is that he’ll call the girl from the fundraiser last night?” I asked. I tried to sound innocent, but he knew this was likely going to make an appearance on the whiteboard.

“He’ll call. Ilya struggles to be single. I think it’s the baby in him. I’m not that way. Sasha is not that way. I think Ilya likes having someone to fuss over him,” he said.

“As long as he reciprocates,” I said. “Nobody likes a selfish dude.”

“Oh, he does. I think that was part of the problem with the last girl. The one that almost broke him. He kept giving, thinking it would fix everything. She kept taking,” he said.

“My offer still stands. I’ll happily kick her ass,” I said.

“I don’t think you need to worry about her. You have enough to worry about without fighting Ilya’s battles for him too. He got away from her. That’s what matters.”

I scoffed. “You’re so reasonable. It’s soooo boring,” I said as dramatically as possible, getting a belly laugh out of him.

“I think both Ilya and Sasha would agree with you on that one. I’ve always been the serious one,” he said. We came out of the woods and walked to my favorite spot by the lake.

“I can believe that. You’re the oldest and always have been. Makes sense that you’d naturally fall into the father figure role for everyone. You’re so good at it. You’ve had plenty of practice. Remind me to thank Ilya for being irresponsible when you were kids,” I said, grinning at him.

He laughed. “It probably has something to do with it. It doesn’t explain how you’re so good at taking care of all of us, though. You were an only child. Aren’t only children supposed to be spoiled and bratty?”

“I fail to see why you phrased that like a question, Papa Bear. Have you met me? Have you not seen how I refuse to use my own legs to walk as much as possible? Are you unsure of what spoiled and bratty really mean? It’s a translation problem, isn’t it?”

He reached out and pushed me over gently. “I know what it means. Maybe you are a little bratty, but I would not call you spoiled. You’re so thoughtful is what I mean. Even when I was being an asshole, you were more concerned with how it affected the other guys than you were with how it affected you. Even though I know you’re struggling with it more than they are.”

I was quiet for a moment, trying to think of how I wanted to respond. I was surprised he actually admitted he was an asshole. “You have more history with them than you do me. I’m your boss’s girlfriend. They’re your brothers. I’m also the reason things got so weird. Literally. From the very beginning. It’s all because of me. If you need someone to be mad at, it should be me. They haven’t done anything wrong.”

He reached over and pulled my left hand out of my pocket. “You’re more than his girlfriend, Sephie,” he said. He held my hand up to look at the ring. “And you’re more than that to the rest of us too. This should be a constant reminder to you of that fact.”

I stayed quiet, looking at my ring, but still thinking about how I’d been the catalyst for their lives to change so completely.

“You’re still worried that me asking to have my demon taken away was a rejection of you in some way. It wasn’t. It’s not gone forever either,” he said. He looked out at the lake, watching the reflection of the clouds in the water. He inhaled deeply, then continued, “I have always been the serious one. Always responsible. I’ve always made sure everyone is taken care of. It’s just how I am. My mother used to worry about me when I was younger. She was worried I would eventually decide that I’d missed out on my childhood because I never was a normal kid. I never got into the normal troublesome situations that kids do when they’re young. I took school seriously, I took the military seriously, I took my marriage seriously. This decision wasn’t any different, with one exception.” He looked over at me. I could see him struggling to keep it together long enough to finish his thought. “This time, I chose me. I don’t want any more responsibility. What I have already is plenty. I’m not ready to be able to take on thoughts and feelings of everyone else too. I just went about it in the most asshole way possible, and for that, I’m very sorry.”

I scooted over closer to him, not only because I was slightly cold sitting there, but so I could lean against him. “I know you’ve struggled with everything extra that’s been happening for a while. It was always your choice as to what would happen. I respect that. Everyone else respects that as well. The biggest issue is we know you’re not comfortable around us. It’s like a constant reminder for the rest of us that you chose a different path. I don’t care that you did. You did what was right for you and I respect the choice you made. I just want you to feel comfortable around us again. I can barely contain my emotions on a good day, which means I can barely contain when my eyes change. Now you have to look at Ivan and Adrik too. I don’t want to be the reason you’re having PTSD flashbacks because I can’t keep it together. I’ve already condemned the rest of them to forever have to endure whatever it is I feel at any given time. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me, or any of us, as well.”

“You haven’t condemned anyone, Sephie. They love that they’re so connected to you. Seriously. They talk about it all the time,” he said, smiling sweetly at me. “And honestly, what you did last night at the fundraiser for that girl made me realize what a complete asshole I’ve been this whole time. I was so focused on the demon that I forgot you’re still you. You’re so incredibly good that you even convinced a demon to help you be even better.” He paused, looking at me very seriously. “That’s exactly the reason why I’m not ready yet. I still focus on the bad too much. There was too much of a chance that my demon would’ve won.”

“You’re still incredibly reasonable, for the record. I think that’s a very mature decision to make. I can tell you that I don’t think it would’ve happened, but I also don’t live in your head. I support your decision. I always have. It will happen when you’re ready. Or maybe not at all. It’s always going to be your choice. In every lifetime,” I said. “And as for the girl last night, I know what she’s going through. She just needs someone to believe her. You guys were that for me. Maybe Ilya can help her with that too.”

He put his arm around my shoulders, pulling me closer and kissing the top of my head. “You do so much for everyone else without a second thought. I’m so sorry I doubted you.”

“You had your reasons. I just want you to feel comfortable again. For your sake, just as much as ours. Did Kostya fix you again?” I asked.

“He did. What Stephen did helped tremendously. I was going to ask him to do it again, actually. As much as I didn’t want it to happen the first time, I do recognize how helpful it was. I don’t think it got everything the first time though. You were right, too. I was choosing pain over all of you. I see that now,” he said, squeezing my shoulders.

“You’ve been carrying it around for so long that it’s become a part of you. It can be scary to let it go. We all knew you weren’t really mad, for the record. You were scared. It’s okay to be scared, but I want you to try and remember that you don’t have to face it alone. We’re all here for you and we all love you.”

He didn’t say anything, he just held me a little tighter, leaning his head on mine. I heard his breath catch a few times and I knew he was trying to hold back the tears. Even with as irritated with him as I’d been, I still wanted things to go back to normal between all of us. I could learn to deal with him not being as connected as the rest of the guys, as long as we could find ways to make him feel more comfortable around all of us. We needed each other.

Viktor and I talked for a little longer, but I eventually started to shiver so we decided to head back to the house. We’d been gone for a few hours anyway. He stood up, helping me do the same. He turned around and stood in front of me. “Get on, princess. Can’t have you walking back to the house on your own, now can we?”

I giggled as I readily hopped on his back. “This is called enabling. I might love you a little more for it too,” I said, hugging his neck a little tighter as he walked us back to the house.

I had to admit that I felt much better after our talk. He assured me that he was feeling more comfortable around everyone already. He promised me that he would ask Stephen to help him again while we were at the house, so he didn’t have to worry about so much.

“You know there’s a chance that it won’t be just me, Adrik, and Ivan for much longer, right?” I said as we got closer to the house.

“I know. That’s partly why I want to ask Stephen to help me now. Everything seems to be speeding up. It wouldn’t surprise me if Misha, Andrei and Stephen figured out how to do it soon too. Some part of me is happy to see it. The more we find out about Ricardo, the worse it seems. Same for Martin. There’s still that part of me that’s scared of it though. I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m still struggling to not focus on the demons.”

“You realize this is the same thing that Ivan went through when he had to go to a hospital, right? He could never see you when you were trying to help him just like you couldn’t see us when we were trying to help you.” Viktor stopped walking. I had to hold on a little tighter, even. I thought he was going to drop me as his hands fell to his sides. I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped. “That irritation that you used to feel with Ivan in that situation is the same way we’ve all felt lately.”

He craned his neck around to try and look at me. “I never would’ve put that together. I owe him another apology, it seems.”

“Eh, I think they all understand. You show your love by making sure people you care about are taken care of. Same as me. The fact that Ivan couldn’t see you in that situation made you feel somewhat rejected. Same as me. The fact that you couldn’t see past my demon made me feel rejected. The fact that you had yours removed made my demon feel rejected. I was doubly irritated,” I said, laughing.

“That makes so much more sense. I was never really sure why you were so irritated with me. I just knew I was an asshole and that wasn’t helping,” Viktor said.

“I would’ve told you sooner, but somebody has been avoiding me for quite some time,” I said, tightening my grip around his neck.

He laughed, apologizing yet again as we walked toward the back door.

“Don’t worry. I forgive you,” I said. “As long as we’re good again.”

“We’re good again, sestrichka. Promise,” he said. The back room was empty when we walked in. He stopped to put me down.

“Good,” I said. Ivan walked in on his way to the kitchen.

“Princess, your goddamn prince will be happy you’re back. He’s cranky when he has to be away from you for very long,” he said, grinning at me.

“That was my fault,” Viktor said apologetically.

“It was no one’s fault. We’re very needy lately,” I said, unable to hide the fact that I missed him just as much as he did me. “Is he upstairs?” I asked.

“Yeah, he just got done in the gym. He decided to take it out on a punching bag instead of sitting around and waiting on you two to get back,” Ivan said.

My eyes went wide in surprise. “Cranky indeed,” I said, walking quickly toward the back stairs. “Viktor now knows how we’ve been feeling. I found a way to tell him so he’d understand. He’s likely going to apologize. Be nice,” I said to Ivan, laughing as I ran up the stairs.

I could hear the shower running as I walked into the bedroom. I quickly got undressed, hoping to make it into the bathroom before he turned the water off. He turned to the door just as I walked in, his wide smile across his face as his eyes landed on mine. I practically ran into the shower, jumping into his arms.

“I missed you,” he said, pressing his lips to mine.

“So I heard. You’re cranky?” I asked, leaning back far enough that I could see him, but not wanting any unnecessary space between us.

He chuckled. “You must’ve seen Ivan.”

I nodded. “He told me you were cranky from having to be away from me,” I said, somewhat concerned that he was unhappy with me for being gone too long.

“He’s not wrong. He might’ve overexaggerated. You needed time with Viktor. But I did miss you,” he said, leaning down to kiss me once more.

I looked at him, searching his eyes for a moment. A small grin spread across my face as I found the answer to my question. “It’s not you that’s cranky. Your demon is still mad at Viktor. It got worse when we stayed gone so long.”

He chuckled. “That seems accurate. I started out fine, but as the hours passed and you still weren’t back, Ivan finally forced me to go to the gym.”

I stood on my toes, pressing my body to his as I kissed him again. This time, with more passion. He wrapped his arms tightly around me, answering my passion with more of his own. It was him who needed air this time, as he broke the kiss. I leaned my head against his chest, enjoying being in his arms and warm once more.

“How did it go?”

“I think it’ll be fine. I found a way to explain everything so he’d understand. He opened up about why he made the decision he did. I told him it was never about the decision and that we supported him no matter what.”

“How did you explain it?”

“I told him it was exactly like how he felt when Ivan couldn’t see him anytime he was in the hospital before I came along. Viktor used to get so irritated that Ivan couldn’t see him, but that’s exactly what he was doing. He couldn’t see any of us because of our demons. He said seeing what happened last night at the fundraiser with that girl in the kitchen helped him realize just how much of an asshole he’d been,” I said. I looked up to see Adrik’s expression as I explained everything to him. His sly smile turned up one side of his mouth.

“I wouldn’t have thought of that, but you’re absolutely right. The bigger question is how comfortable does he feel around us now?”

“That’s getting better. He said he was going to ask Stephen to help him again. He recognizes how much it helped the first time. I asked him if Kostya had fixed him again and that’s when he mentioned Stephen. He’s trying. That’s all we can ask of him,” I said.

“Maybe Stephen should help him while we’re still here. That way, he doesn’t have anything extra to worry about and he can focus more on letting things go,” he said, his hands gently running up and down my back.

“I said the same thing. I think he’ll ask him. I think he was going to apologize to Ivan when we got back too. I know you guys want to make him suffer a little longer, but I told Ivan to be nice,” I said, grinning at him.

He laughed. “Ivan said that very thing when you guys left earlier. I can’t say I disagreed with him either.”

“I know. I also know it’s more your demons feeling that way than you two. It’s understandable, but Viktor told me he didn’t feel like he was ready to be able to handle his demon. He said there was still too much of a chance that the demon would’ve won. He said he has a tendency to focus too much on the negative, so it worried him. Honestly, I can’t argue with his logic. He made the decision that he felt was right for him and I agree with him. He knows himself better than any of us do.” I sighed. “It was not an easy decision for him to make, but ultimately, I think he chose wisely for where he’s at in this lifetime.”

Adrik was quiet for a few minutes. “What happens to his demon though?”

“That, I don’t know. He made the comment that it wasn’t gone for good. I’m not sure what that means. I didn’t ask for specifics about that. I didn’t want to steer the conversation in that direction,” I said quietly.

He kissed my forehead. “Yours is still sad about all this. I can feel your sadness, but it’s not all yours. I can tell the difference now.”

“How?”