Chapter 40

FORTY

I don't bother showering, since I don't have the energy. It was zapped out of me. Maybe it's shock, but deep down, I know it's not. It's that swirling darkness that lives inside me rearing its ugly head, telling me I'm not good enough, that I should give up and I can't win.

Instead, I simply slip into my bed naked, my eyes locked on the dust motes floating and dancing in the space before the window, free, floating, and unburdened. It's the way I wish I could be, but everything feels heavy and wrong.

I glance down at my hand. Even that doesn't hurt as much as it should. It didn't pierce the fog. I was doing so well. I hate that it came back now. I hate even more that Kage saw me this way, but those thoughts are dragged under the tidal wave claiming my soul.

Maybe this world would be a better place without me. Maybe Evelyn wouldn't have died. Maybe others wouldn't be struggling with their own pasts if I hadn't brought them up. I'm just a selfish bitch who deserves this.

I don't know what depression feels like for everyone else, but for me, it always felt like this—a weight pressing me down, stealing my energy and my drive, darkening my heart until I can't tell right from wrong.

I fight against it silently. I don't scream or throw things. I just lie here, in the same position on my side, watching the sun move through the sky.

The bed dips behind me, and arms slide around me, tugging me back against a warm chest. I don't have the energy to move, nor do I want him to see me. He'll know.

He'll take one look at me and know like everyone else does.

I am just loud on the outside and empty on the inside.

Dead.

He turns me anyway, rolling me in his arms as he looks down at me, scanning my face and seeing everything I don't want him to. I expect disgust, maybe anger, or even pity, but his expression softens as he stares at me. None of these emotions are there, just worry, which, for some reason, is so much worse.

"Tell me what you need, Fallon," he murmurs, peering down at me without judgment, just wanting to help. "Tell me how to make this easier for you. Do you want me here? Is it better if I'm gone? Do I need to snap you out of it? Tell me, sweetheart. Tell me how to help you."

Working my throat, I try to speak, but when my voice comes, it's rough. "Make it stop."

"How?" he asks, searching my eyes.

"Make it hurt," I tell him, ashamed, but I'm desperate to be rid of these feelings, and that overrides my shame. "Make me feel anything other than this cold dread. I don't need you to make me feel happy, I don't even think it's possible, but I need you to remind me that I'm alive, so make it hurt. Pain is my companion, my constant. It's what has kept me alive this long, so bring me back to life."

He doesn't ask me if I'm sure or tell me no. Instead, he leans down and digs his teeth into my lower lip. I gasp, the sharp pain stabbing through me.

"You want me to make it hurt, beautiful? You want me to remind you that you're alive? "

I nod, wide-eyed, staring up into his dark eyes heated with hunger as he rubs my bleeding lip with his thumb.

"Then keep your eyes on me. I'll be your raft."

He yanks the covers back, tossing them from the bed as he kneels above me. Grabbing the back of his shirt, he pulls it over his head, exposing his stunning chest. A spark of desire ignites inside me as I stare at him, and he unbuckles his jeans before lowering so he's above me, licking down my chin to my neck where he bites. I reach for his shoulders, my nails curling into his skin to keep him close.

He kisses the sting away before sliding farther down my chest, leaving stinging bites until his teeth clamp down on my nipple, making me cry out as my back arches. He bites harder, and I clench my thighs together in need, the pain making my clit throb as desire washes through me. I can feel my own wetness from his rough treatment, his fingers denting my skin and leaving bruises as he releases my nipple, letting blood return, and the feeling makes me clench with need before he gives my other nipple the same treatment. He's making it hurt just like I asked, but with love in his eyes.

It's different from what they did to me.

He's doing this because I asked, because he loves me.

They did it because they enjoyed it. Maybe I should feel bad because I crave this kind of punishment, but I don't care—not with his dark eyes on me.

He leans back, looking me over as I pant below him. "Look at you, so fucking beautiful . . . so fucking mine." Leaning down, he sweeps his tongue down my stomach, making me shiver. "Those feelings inside you can't have you, Fallon. You belong to me. Do you hear me?" When I don't respond, he turns his head and bites my thigh so hard I actually scream. "I said, do you hear me?"

"Yes. Yours."

"Good girl." He kneels above me, dragging his tongue over his lips. "I can't hold back. You wanted it to hurt, sweetheart. Remember that."

I yelp as he grips my hips and yanks me down the bed and between his legs, my head hitting the mattress as he lifts my hips and slams into me. The pain from his invasion makes me whimper, even as my heart pounds, coming back to life.

Desire and hunger fill me, replacing my dread.

His hands pin mine to the bed, pressing them into the mattress, the pain from my cuts making me cry out and clench around his cock as he drives into me. His hard, quick thrusts have me moving up the bed with each one. He doesn't relent or slow down, just hammers into me.

He fucks me so brutally, it borders on being too much, yet it's all I can feel.

He's all I can see.

Those voices disappear, and the exhaustion is replaced as he brings me back to life.

I cry out his name as he fucks me, his lips twisting in a snarl, but then he pulls from my body, making me whimper.

Flipping me, he presses my face into the bed. I fight against him, but he keeps me pinned as he hammers into me, and I love it. I love how roughly he fucks me.

He doesn't fuck me like I'm the ice princess or a superstar, but like I'm me. Fallon.

The woman he wants.

I let the pain run through me, mixing with pleasure inside me until I'm a bomb ready to detonate. When his fingers pinch my clit, I do just that.

I explode with a scream, taking him down with me as he bellows my name.

Gasping for breath, I slump beneath him, my blood burning and skin so hot, I sweat as he wraps me in his arms, keeping me afloat just like the raft he promised he'd be.

I wish I could say one good fuck fixes my mental health, but it doesn't, and I know it won't be long before I have another episode. This one leaves me feeling weak, exhausted, and downright embarrassed, but Kage doesn't care .

He picks me up from the bed and helps me into a bath he must have run before coming to me. He doesn't speak as he gently picks up every one of my limbs and washes them before sliding me lower and washing my hair. His long fingers unknot it, massaging into the long strands until my eyes close in bliss.

I lie in his arms, just letting him wash it all away and take care of me.

He dries me and helps me into a floor-length sleep gown, and then he sits me down before the mirror. I have the strangest feeling that I could weep. I don't because I don't want him to worry, but I watch him through the mirror as he carefully dries and brushes every inch of my long hair. He takes his time, brushing it until it falls in silky waves. He meets my gaze in the mirror and smiles softly before grabbing some hair ties, then he starts to braid it.

"I watched some videos when I realized how long your hair was. I wanted to be able to help you with it," he explains, his eyes narrowed and focused, as if he's doing something very important. For him, he is.

There is no one more important to him than me.

How could I ever hate myself or think I don't belong in this world when someone like him loves me?

As I meet my eyes in the mirror, I mouth an apology to myself for everything I have put this body and soul through, for doubting it and trying to detach from it, and the tears finally fall. He says nothing. Kage lets me cry, and when he finishes my hair, he kisses the top of my head.

"Good as new," he says, and something about that makes me cry harder.

He holds me through it, and when I'm done, he carries me to the bed and tucks me in, sitting against the headboard. "Wait here." He hurries away, and I watch him go, wondering how I got so lucky to meet someone like him.

I don't know how long he's gone, but he comes back with a tray and places it over my lap. There's a bowl of broth, some bread, fruit, chocolate, and water, and when I reach for the spoon, he pushes my hand away. Dipping the spoon in the soup, he lifts it to his mouth and blows before cupping his hand under it to catch any drips, then he brings it to my mouth.

Moving my head closer, I open my mouth and eat carefully. He feeds me the entire broth like this before wiping my mouth with his hand and then feeding me the rest. He watches me eat every bite and drink every drop of water. "Good girl," he praises when I'm done, kissing my head before taking the tray away. When he comes back, he pulls me into his arms and just holds me.

I close my eyes and let him remind me he's here. I'm not alone, and he will always be here, something I never would have believed before. Nobody stays, but he does.

Kage stays.

There's a buzz, and we both look over to his phone on the nightstand.

Grabbing it, he reads the text before he looks down at me, his eyes glinting dangerously. "Three days, that's when it's happening. Are you ready?"

"More than I've ever been," I admit.

Three days.

I have three days until the entire world knows my secrets and I'm not their perfect idol anymore.

I'll just be a damaged, angry woman, and I can't fucking wait.