Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Rigs

Four Months Ago

I’m one pathetic fucker tonight. I’ve been sitting in the clubhouse nursing my whiskey for hours, obsessing about my best friend taking the woman I’ve got my sights set on to a fancy ball at the governor’s mansion. Seeing Dutch dressed up to the nines in his tuxedo with an aqua colored tie was quite amusing, and I might have had more fun ripping him for looking like some fucking city slicker, if it wasn’t for who his date was. Owning his own tux is why they asked him to be Mattie’s protector instead of me tonight. Well, that and the fact he’s presentable in society and Cleo, our president’s wife, clearly thought I wasn’t. Maybe she was onto something, other than being in Mattie’s company, the thought of having to schmooze with the kind of moneyed lowlifes at those places made my flesh creep.

Slamming my empty shot glass down onto the table I resist the urge to throw it against the wall just to see it shatter. Maybe it would release some of my tension. Images rise in my mind of Dutch having his hands on her as they twirled around the dance floor. She would be happy to have one of the brothers escorting her at short notice. The thought of her smiling up at him as they danced made my stomach clench, she’d needed a plus one and considering everything going on with the syndicate, it seemed better to have a member of Savage Legion accompanying her. Yeah, we’re scary fuckers when we want to be. Dutch is tall, ripped, and handsome, so I guess he’s the ideal partner. I know I can scrub up okay, and it’s not like I’m some swamp creature, but the thing is, he’s charming and I’m not. That’s where he has the edge over me.

God knows, women like charming. That means there is every reason to suspect she’s going to fall in love with him at the Enchantment Under the Fucking Sea Ball. Then I’ll have to stand by and watch as she makes googly eyes at him. They’d probably hang out at the club, snuggle up in one of the booths and kiss. Fucking hell, they might even get frisky in the pool room like some couples around here do. The thought of him covering her in one of the dark corners made me furious.

I’ve never been so emotional about a woman in my entire life. That’s why it is a particularly bad time for Lori to approach me.

“Hey Rigs, you look like you’re having a rough night. Would you like some company? I’m a good listener.”

I throttle back my anger at the world and shake my head vehemently. “Not tonight, Lori. I’m not fit company for man nor beast.”

She takes a step closer and smiles at me. “Then it’s a good thing I’m neither of those things, what you need is a woman.”

“Seriously Lori, I want to be left alone.” I say firmly.

She gestures to my zipper. “At least let me give you a release. It’s the least I can do for all the ones you’ve given me over the years, all the women here really. You really look like you need it.”

Yeah, despite the cross around my neck I’m no angel and I’ve had my share of the club girls. I don’t know if it’s age, or just me being a cranky bastard, but all that baseless fucking is getting old. Maybe it’s seeing my club brothers all getting coupled up that’s doing it. And now Dutch is dancing the night away with Mattie. “I appreciate the offer, but the problem I’m having won’t be diminished by a quickie. Trust me on that, sweetheart.”

She takes a step back, a look of hurt on her pretty face. “I wasn’t trying to add to your problems. I hope you get over whatever’s bothering you and feel better soon.”

“I doubt that will happen, but thanks for understanding and for respecting my no.”

“Not a problem,” she responds quietly. “If you change your mind, just let me know.”

I motion for Mel to bring me another drink. She hurries to pour me another double whiskey on the rocks and brings it to me without a word. Mel is a class act all the way. She instinctively knows when to let us be, and when to offer to talk. I respect her a lot, as do the other brothers. Truth be told, I even respect Lori. The club girls hang out at the clubhouse because they like us and aren’t shy about offering sex. There had been times in the past when that had made all the difference in the world to me.

Not since meeting Mattie though. After being introduced to her, all the other women in the world disappeared from my mind. Now there was only Mattie and her pretty brown curls. Mattie and her wire rimmed glasses that kept slipping down her nose. Mattie and her pretty blue eyes. Her dedication to working with our club to find those missing kids and put the syndicate out of business. She was so fucking brave. Nothing scares her off, even when her former boss wound up dead and tossed behind the dumpster at their office. Since Siege married her best friend, she’s been in my orbit for quite a while. I know she’s single, but she always seems so self-contained. Plus, why would a sweet young thing like that want a battle hardened, cynical bastard like me?

So instead, I watch her from afar like some lovesick teenager. Mattie took over her former boss’ job and given what we know about them, I can’t bear the thought of those syndicate assholes getting to her too. I continue sipping my second drink of the night and obsessing over Mattie until the bar is empty and Mel has locked the front door and moved to the bar in the basement. She left the whiskey on the counter so I can pour my own if I want. The few remaining brothers wander downstairs with whatever lady they’re entertaining for the evening, leaving me by myself with only my thoughts for company. The fact that they’re all having varying degrees of sexual contact right now doesn’t bother me one bit. I couldn’t care less what my club brothers do with their dicks. Well, there’s one who I hope is keeping his dick zipped up behind his fancy tuxedo pants. I take another mouthful of whiskey and feel the burn as it slides down my throat, it’s gonna be a long night.

***

Unfortunately, I’m all too sober when the last person I want to see comes strolling into the clubhouse.

Dutch looks like a fucking gentleman spy in that fancy tux of his. It pisses me off no end, that Cleo didn’t think of me when looking for a protector to escort Mattie to that fancy ass party tonight, and it makes me wonder just how the others see me.

“You look like a date with Cleo’s friend agreed with you,” I say in cold tone. May as well bite the bullet now and get it over and done with.

Dutch’s head snaps up to look at me. His expression is confused, so I clarify it for him.

“Are we gonna see romance on the horizon for the two of you?” Okay, there’s a sneer in my voice that I didn’t mean to let slip out.

He holds up both hands, as if to ward off my ire. His fancy bowtie is dangling from one hand. He explains cautiously, “I already warned Cleo that Mattie is not my type.”

While I’m relieved my longtime friend isn’t interested in her, I feel a spark of anger. Does he think Mattie isn’t good enough for him? She’s amazing and would be a catch for any man. I rise to my feet. “Is it because she’s disabled?”

“Hell, the fuck no,” he shoots back. “Of course not. I can’t believe you asked me that, or you’d even think I was so shallow.”

I don’t like the way he’s looking at me like I’ve lost my fucking mind. I sit my ass back down in the chair by sheer force of will alone.

Dutch walks over, drops down in the chair across from me with a thunk. Then he reaches over to a nearby table, grabs a half empty glass of beer one of our club brothers had left behind and drinks it down in one gulp. Man, he must have had a bad night if he was willing to drink that shit.

“Want me to pull you a fresh beer?”

“No, I’m good,” he responds flippantly. My club brother is acting ten kinds of fucking weird tonight. He said he’s not interested in Mattie, but something happened at that ball. If he tells me that he’s fallen in love with her, I’m going to beat his ass. I’ve already decided that much.

He leans forward and stares at me for so long it starts to make me uncomfortable. Finally, he asks, “Want to tell me why you’re so fucking interested in my evening?”

“I’m not you pretentious, tuxedo wearing prick,” I shoot back hotly.

His gaze turns assessing, as he can’t figure out what my problem is. “Correct me if I’m wrong but we don’t normally go at each other this way.”

“You started it,” I state flatly. I don’t want to admit that I’m borderline freaking out because he’s possibly fucking dating the woman I want, because that would a shitty thing for me to do, considering he hasn’t had a real relationship in his lifetime that I know of. By all rights, I should be happy for my friend. If he were interested in any other woman on the face of the earth I would be, but not Mattie.

Understanding lights up his face. “You said that you weren’t interested in my evening. That must mean you were interested in Mattie’s evening.”

I start to stand up again, fully prepared to go jump onto my bike and ride through the night until my mind can deal with this fucked up situation.

Dutch grabs my shirt and slams me back down before I can get fully to my feet. “If you like Cleo’s friend, why the fuck didn’t you speak up?”

I glare at him, angrier with my friend than I had ever been before. It was more jealousy than anger, but I didn’t want to look at that too closely right now. “Why in the fuck would I do that when Cleo already decided I wasn’t good enough for her friend. Apparently, I don’t have good manners or own a tux.”

Relief flashes across his face and he lets go of my shirt, smoothing it back down in a vague attempt to get rid of the wrinkles he made. I slap his hand away because it felt like he was petting me like I was a dog or something.

He holds up both hands in a gesture meant to calm me down. “Alright brother, I’m gonna be honest with you. Mattie seems like a really nice lady, but she didn’t warm up to me at all. I don’t think she likes fancy parties, high heels or tuxedos.”

That was fucking doubtful. Those were exactly the kinds of things women liked, all the things I was bad at. “Shows how much you know. All women love high heels. They collect shoes like men do pocketknives.”

“Not Mattie,” he insists. “She only wears kitten heels.” Dutch sounds absolutely certain of his facts on this one. It galls me that he knows more about Mattie than I do. “What in the hell are those?”

He explains, sounding more like a professor of female fashion than my longtime club brother. “As near as I can tell they’re shoes with short spiky heels. It’s like if a woman was going to a special party and knew she should be wearing high heels but didn’t want to. Kitten heels barely meet the criteria.”

I grudgingly admit he could be right. “Well, I guess that makes sense. I think it’s clever how she found that work around.”

“Sure it’s clever,” Dutch agrees. “Mattie is like Cleo. She’s a smart lady. And she’s really down to earth too.”

It cheers me up to hear him say nice things about the woman I was crushing on so hard it took my breath away. “I noticed that too,” I state quietly. “She’s real pretty too.”

“Well, I’ll let you in on another little secret. You know how Mattie has a hard time getting around right?”

Why does this fucker keep talking about Mattie’s one flaw, if you could consider having a medical issue a flaw that is. I guess he can tell by the look on my face that I don’t like him talking about her that way, because he started trying to talk me down.

“Don’t get mad. Bear with me for just a minute and let me explain. Mattie was working tonight. She told me the only reason she went to the ball was that she could make her way around and talk to a bunch of people all in the same evening. She said it’s easier on her than traveling all over town trying to see them all individually. As soon as she got finished talking to her people, she had me take her home and drop her right off.”

I’m not proud to admit it, but dark glee fills every corner of my heart to hear him say that, because it means she doesn’t like him. If she did, she would have wanted to spend more time with him. She didn’t invite him in for coffee or any shit like that either. “I like hearing about how Mattie’s evening went.”

Dutch gives me an indulgent smile. “Give me your phone, you stupid fucker.”

I pull out my phone, finger in the code and slide it across the table to him. I can’t imagine what he wants with my phone, but finding out Mattie doesn’t want him, puts him right back at the top of my friend list. It occurs to me that he might have taken a picture of her all dressed up. “Did you take pictures?” I ask hopefully. I sure would love to have a picture of her to look at when I’m thinking of her. Ugh… that makes me sound like a total creeper, but it would be nice. Just one photo.

“No but if I had known you are sweet on Mattie, I would have taken a bunch of pictures for you. I’ve got something better, her phone number.”

Shock roils through my gut. “Wait, I can’t call her.” Mattie probably doesn’t even remember me. And she sure didn’t show any special interest in me when Cleo introduced her to me at her and Siege’s wedding. Then again Mattie was introduced to a lot of brothers that day. Maybe she was simply overwhelmed.

Dutch’s voice turns stern. “You’re not an adolescent with his first crush. You’re the spiritual leader of the Savage Legion MC. Any woman in her right mind would be happy to catch your interest. Just call her up and fucking ask her out.”

I grab the phone from his hand and start to slide it back into my pocket, making an excuse to justify not calling her. I wasn’t about to let my longtime friend know how petrified I was being rejected out of hand by this lovely creature. “It’s too late to call now. I’ll try her tomorrow.”

“Call the number Rigs, or I’m gonna call her and chat her up myself.”

Oh, that pisses me right off. I shoot Dutch a death glare and growl, “If you put a move on Mattie, you and I are gonna have a problem.”

He doesn’t seem to take my lowkey threat very seriously. He just sits there saying nothing and waiting for me to change my mind. I press my phone against my forehead and try to talk myself into just giving her a friendly call. Something’s holding me back and I’m not even sure what it is.

Dutch asks softly, “What’s really eating at you, Rigs. You are literally never this conflicted about anything. You’re the most decisive man I know.”

Ugly memories rise in my mind of the things I’ve done to protect this town and my club brothers. “You know that I took that pedo apart, piece by piece. Same with the depraved fucker who used to beat the shit out of Tank’s old lady.”

“You did what you had to do,” he responds empathetically.

I won’t let myself off so easily. “I chose to kill.”

“Somebody had to do it, brother.” Yeah, he’s not wrong about that.

When I don’t immediately reply, he asks, “Do you do it because you enjoy it?”

I’m disgusted by his question. “Fuck no. It tears me up inside.”

“Then leave it for someone else to do.” His suggestion shows he doesn’t understand how killing wounds the human soul. Each kill blackens it further, my soul is already damaged.

“I can’t,” I whisper, “cos then it will tear them up inside instead and I don’t want that.”

“Fucking hell. You do the killing because you don’t want that kind of shit hanging around in our brains eating away at us, right?” The shock in his voice shows my old friend is innocent about some of life’s darkness. Of course he is, because I’ve been protecting him from having to experience the most savage part of life, killing in defense of those you love.

I nod, grinding my phone against my forehead until it hurts. I whisper my deepest, darkest fear, “What if I let the darkness in each time. Sometimes, I think it’s burrowing deeper and deeper into my brain and it’s going to turn me as evil as the ignorant fucks we hunt.”

“We served together in the military, Rigs. You know that ain’t the way it works. You still believe in God, right.”

My head jerks up because I never thought any of my club brother would question my dedication to God. “Of course I do. I just don’t care for how man has perverted religion.”

“Well, God created man and then he made woman to be his companion, his better part. Women are supposed to be the gift from God that keeps us tender and decent.”

He’s not wrong about that. Women were designed to tame our hearts and keep us connected to all that’s good and pure in the world.

“God made women soft and sweet and men to protect them, right?”

“Yes.” That’s true. I need to protect my Mattie, make sure nothing bad happens to her.

Dutch states quietly, “Well, I dropped Mattie off at her apartment. She’s all alone, vulnerable with no one to protect her while she’s investigating these missing kids. You already know that last woman in her job was murdered by those evil syndicate fucks. What if something bad happens to her that you could have prevented because you were so wrapped up in your own shit that you didn’t call her?”

Suddenly all the worry about abstract shit falls away, and what remains is the fact that Mattie needs a protector, someone who can keep her safe. Taking a deep breath, I tell him, “I should probably check on her.”

Dutch gives me some sage advice that I immediately take to heart. “Yeah. Check on her and offer to do some of the legwork for her that she can’t do for herself. Offer to help her find the missing kids. I’ll just bet you anything she takes you up on it.”

Yes. That’s exactly what I need to do. She shouldn’t be trying to do this on her own.  “That’s a good idea. Even if she doesn’t like me, I can still keep her safe and help her with her work.”

“Absolutely. If the two of you need anything, you let me know and I’ll come running.”

When he walks off, I’m left alone in the bar area once more. My phone is in my hand, and I stare at her details. All I need to do is tap on her name, how hard can it be to make a fucking phone call?

***

Present day

I’m sitting at the clubhouse bar, nursing a whiskey, and musing over all the bad choices I’ve made in life. Yeah, it’s that kind of night. Though in my ever-increasing list of things I did wrong, I think not calling Mattie is at the very top.

It’s been almost five months since Dutch gave me her number and I’ve done shit about it. I’d gotten close a couple of times, but then chickened out. What would a sweet, young woman want with an old biker like me? I mean I know I’m not ancient, and I’m probably only fifteen years older than her, maybe less, but still—she’s so lovely and fresh.

I’ve seen too much shit in life, my soul is too dark, and I can’t let that darkness affect another person.

Normally I’m okay with my life choices, I’m a lone wolf. I was never interested in having a woman, whenever my cock needed release there was always some club chick ready and willing. Apparently, I was considered to be the owner of one of the prime cocks in the clubhouse. An honor I used to take pride in, but now it just seems empty.

What’s changed? Mattie. I can’t get her out of my mind.

Since my club brother and best friend, Dutch, got back with Joy and is happily married, it hit home that I’m the last of my brothers who doesn’t have an old lady. It never used to bother me before, but now at forty-five I’ve had enough of that lifestyle. Maybe it’s an age thing. But I know better, it’s not. It’s a Mattie thing, she’s all I can think about.

“Hey, handsome. Looking for some company?” It’s Lori, one of the club girls I’d had a thing with once—well, by thing, I’d fucked her a few times. I think she has hopes of making me her old man, but that isn’t happening. This evening, she’s looking smoking hot in a pair of bootie shorts and a crop top. Her full lips a glossy red as her tongue snakes over them trying to make me remember how good her mouth had felt on my cock. But it isn’t working tonight, or last night, or pretty much any damn night for the last however many months.

“Not tonight sweetheart,” I say as I toss back my whiskey.

“If you don’t watch out, your cock’s gonna rust,” she pouts.

I gaze at her, but don’t respond.

“Come on, at least let me suck you off,” she says licking her wet lips again and sucking her finger for emphasis.

“No can do.” I say as I look around for Mel to top up my glass. She’s gone, and given the time I suppose she must be tending bar in the basement where the prospects hang out.

Lori takes my refusal as a challenge and waves over Brandy, her partner in crime, who grins at me widely. “Come on, Daddy,” she says teasingly. “Special offer tonight, buy one get one free.”

She twirls around and bends over showing her thong panties. I might have found their little display amusing a few months ago. Hell, I might have taken them up on their offer of a threesome. But tonight, I just found the whole damn show depressing.

“Come on, you gotta use it or lose it,” She whines.

I shake my head, they sure are being determined. I wonder for a moment if Mel, our bartender has put them up to it. She’s another one who keeps telling me I need to settle down. But I push that thought away, maybe Mel does think I need to get myself an old lady, but she knows none of us would settle for one of the club girls. I smile up at them, trying to keep my cool and not be angry at their antics, “I’m okay, you have a good evening, ladies. If you’re after fun, go see the twins, they’re in the basement and I hear they’re at a loose end.”

Vapor and Haze were the only patched in brothers left at the clubhouse tonight. They were good kids, but at nineteen I feel like their father when I’m around them, and sometimes I just want to sit in peace.

Shit. Is this what my life is coming to? Drinking alone at the bar, turning away pussy while my cock slowly withers away from lack of use? Though to be honest, it isn’t the sex thing, what I crave now is companionship. Like Siege, Rider, Tank, and Dutch all had. I want someone to come home to after a hard day, a soft, caring woman who will soothe my troubled soul, and in return I will protect her and nurture her.

God moves in mysterious ways. In my days as a minister, I had said that enough times to try and explain the shit that happens in people’s lives. Everything happens for a reason—that’s another gem with fewer religious connotations. But same shit, however you say it. I’ve been given this chance and I’ve squandered it. Sighing, I pull out my cell phone and scroll down my contacts. For the millionth time I look at the details Dutch entered, and my finger hovers over her name.