The Royal Family Meeting

Laure: You guys! You guys! Family conference, now .

Prock: Is everybody okay? Because if everybody's not okay, we need to talk about your approach, big sister. The last time you did this it was because Mom was changing the carpet.

Sal: It was shag carpet, Prock. You straighties might think that's okay, but the rest of us can assure you it is not.

Chance: It has nothing to do with being gay—his standard is with or without baby vomit, so give him a break.

Reg: Wait—Val's not on the list. Why is Val not on the list? Is he dead ?

Prock: She would have led with that.

Chance: Would she, though?

Laure: Yes, you assholes, I would have led with that.

Reg: Then what's wrong? Why are we freaking out about my second-favorite brother?

Sal: Who's your favorite?

Reg: Now that is the real mystery, right?

Sal: Well played, bitch, well played.

Prock: It's obviously me until he says so. Now c'mon, Laure, what's the damage?

Laure: He's lonely. You guys, Val is lonely .

Chance: FFS—I've got finals!

Prock: Sis….

Sal: I've got a date. I'm out of here.

Reg: How do you know?

Laure: He said so.

All: ….

Laure: You guys?

Reg: Was he being facetious?

Sal: Does it matter ? Laure, I take it all back, you're right, this is a problem. If Val even mentioned he had a feeling, it's a big deal.

Prock: I assume you or Reg have a plan?

Reg: I might, but Laure just called me too, remember?

Prock: Sorry, Reg. You two usually plot the best.

Laure: My only plan hasn't joined in the chat yet. He's probably too busy being a big important feeb.

Reg: Should we all text him separately too?

Laure: Sure—okay, guys—everybody at the same time—let's make his phone into a sex toy—

Reg, Sal, Laure, and Prock: Dean! Dean! Dean! Dean! Dean!

Chance: Wait a minute, what do you mean a sex toy?

Reg, Sal, Laure, and Prock: Dean ! Dean! Dean! Dean! Dean!

Dean: Because it's vibrating, Chance. The rest of you assholes, has it occurred to you that I'm busy?

Chance: Heh heh heh… sex toy!

Laure: It's an emergency, Dean. Quick, give us the name of somebody we can set Val up with.

Dean: Contrary to popular opinion, law enforcement is not filled with closeted gay men. Or uncloseted gay men.

Sal: Oh, honey, that has not been my experience.

Reg: Dude, every "straight guy" you've brought home to meet Mom and Dad has hit on me.

Chance: I legit thought you were bringing them home to match them with us. Marcus was beautiful. I wanted him so bad.

Sal: Oh, honey….

Reg: Oh, honey….

Laure: Oh, honey….

Dean: See, Laure I knew about, but it's because I thought he was straight.

Chance: I can't believe he didn't hit on me. Prock, did you know?

Prock: I'm so sorry. He was legit surprised when I told him I was the one married to a woman.

Chance: Am I a troll ?

Laure: You're a sweet summer child too beautiful for this world. Now can we move on to Val? Dean, do you have any friends who might work for him? He's the oldest, and he's cranky and getting mean.

Dean: He's always been cranky and mean.

Laure: And he told me he was lonely.

Dean: Fuck. This is an emergency.

Laure: See ?

Dean: Wait. Was I the only one who was going to sit shotgun with his next shipment?

All: ….

Dean: I'll take that as a yes. Okay. Actually, yeah. My old shooting mentor. He's retired now, working security.

Chance: Is Val that old? I mean, retired and all? This guy's gotta be, what? Sixty? I mean, that's Dad's age, right?

Laure: Dad's sixty-five and Val is forty. My God, Chance—are you sure you're in college?

Chance: I forget about the gap.

Laure: Mom was having seven of us, Chance—it wasn't like they were taking time off.

Chance: Whatever. How old is this guy, Dean? Is he old and warty with hair growing out his ears?

Dean: He's fortysomething and hot, and if he does have hair growing out his ears, he knows how to groom.

Sal: Hello, Daddy.

Dean: And he's discreet and likes bears.

Reg: Too bad Prock's taken.

Prock: Har, har. It's baby weight—my wife says so.

Laure: If he can help Val with security, he's perfect.

Dean: I swear to God I'm not setting him up with my brother if that's all we expect Val to need.

Reg: Seriously, somebody's got to get laid. I need the vicarious thrills.

Sal: Would you like to hear about my weekend?

All: No !

Sal: You bitches are just jealous.

Laure: Dean, back out of doing security. Give me your guy's number and I'll recommend him when Val comes asking. We've got to have some finesse here, or Val will know he's being played.

Reg: What's the gig? What does Val need security for?

Dean: Heh heh heh….

Laure: Don't say it.

Dean: But it's too funny!

Laure: Please? God, Dean, it's hard enough being the only girl.

Chance: But I want to know.

Reg: So do I, now.

Sal: Seriously.

Prock: Don't leave me out!

Dean: Well if you really want to know….