Chapter 9

Joel leaned against a stall in the barn to take a breather. He'd woken up this morning with a smile on his face. A big one. Last night had blown his mind. And then some.

He hadn't anticipated how much he'd love the touch of another man on him. The memory of that experience alone would probably keep him hard for weeks, but when paired with the sight of Sadie, bound to the table, writhing in pleasure as their submissive captive, Joel found his knees going weak with need.

He ran a hand over his growing erection and tried to think of something less dangerous to his libido. There were too many hours to go between quitting time and climaxing.

They'd convinced Sadie to let them take her out on a real date tonight. Of course, they hadn't worded it that way. After they'd untied her, they'd taken turns cuddling with her, and then Oakley had said he wanted to buy her a big-ass steak dinner.

Sadie had laughed, but Oakley hadn't backed down. When she tried to reason with him about it being unwise for the three of them to be seen together too much in public, she'd tweaked Joel's stubborn streak. He'd thrown his support behind Oakley and after a few minutes of verbal—and physical—persuasion, she'd relented.

Joel glanced across the barn. Oakley was cutting boards with a table saw. He'd taken off his shirt, unwilling to see the clean cotton covered in sawdust. Joel took several moments to enjoy the sight of Oakley's muscular back as he ran each board over the saw. He had never found himself attracted to the male form before. Now he wondered how he'd been so blind.

Joel's head reeled over his friend's kisses, the blowjob, the unexpected pleasure he'd found in Oakley's touch. It was all so new, and while there were still parts of the intimacy they'd left unexplored, Joel couldn't deny he enjoyed being with Oakley every bit as much as he did Sadie.

So much for being straight.

He chuckled to himself, then crossed the barn, hoping to build on last's night's adventure. When he walked up beside Oakley, his friend turned off the saw, obviously thinking Joel needed to ask him something. The sudden silence after the loud roaring noise of the saw was instant.

"What's up?" Oakley asked.

Joel gave him a wicked grin and pointed at his crotch. "This."

Oakley's brow rose in approval, his grin growing wide.

Unable to resist touching him, Joel wrapped a strong hand around the back of Oakley's neck and pulled him toward him for a kiss.

Oakley didn't hesitate and didn't pretend he wasn't just as hungry for Joel. Their lips parted and the kiss went from lukewarm to sweltering in seconds. Things probably would have escalated very quickly from there if not for the female gasp coming from the barn door.

He and Oakley jerked apart and for a split second, Joel expected to see Lorelie.

Instead, he found himself gazing into the horrified eyes of his mother.

"Oh shit. Mom," Joel said, his stomach clenching tightly.

She slowly raised her hand, the trembling painful for Joel to watch. "You left your jacket at my house on Sunday." She placed the leather coat on a shelf near the door, and then turned and walked away without another word.

Joel started after her, Oakley's apology following him.

"God, Joel. I'm so sorry."

"No, Oak," he said over his shoulder. "Don't. Don't apologize."

He didn't say anything more as he raced across the front yard. His mother was nearly running to her car. Obviously the sound of the saw had prevented him from hearing her arrival. He caught her just as she reached for the door.

"Wait. Mom. Please. Just wait."

Mom looked at her car door, not turning to face him. "I think it would be best for both of us if I left right now."

"You can't leave like this. I can see you're upset. If you could just let me explain?—"

Her head shook violently back and forth. "No. No no no no no no no no no."

Joel ran a hand through his hair, wishing there was something he could say to make this better for her. In the end, he couldn't offer her anything more than the truth. "Mom. We have to talk about this. You saw me kissing Oakley."

She whirled on him when he said Oakley's name. "It's that man's fault, isn't it? What has he done to you?" She stepped closer to look at his eyes as if he were delusional or sick. "Are you on drugs? Did he get you high?"

Joel sucked in a deep breath, determined to remain calm, though her questions pissed him off. "No. He didn't. Jesus, Mom?—"

"Don't take the Lord's name in vain!"

Joel closed his mouth and counted to ten in his head. Talking to his mom when she was upset was never easy. It was one of the reasons Joel had always attempted to toe the line, to keep the peace. It helped him preserve his sanity.

"Why, Joel? This isn't you. I didn't raise you to…"

"To what, Mom? Fall in love with a man?"

Her eyes widened. "You're not in love with him. You can't be! The Bible?—"

"Stop." Joel raised his hand. "Stop right there. You're not throwing The Bible in my face as a way of justifying something you can't understand."

Mom's shoulders slumped. "You were a good man before he came here. You went to church, you prayed." She looked at his bruised face. "You didn't get into fights and you didn't get drunk."

That last wasn't true and she knew it, but she was grasping for anything she could, desperate to make Oakley the villain in all of this.

"You can't blame Oakley for any of that. I'm a grown man and I make my own choices."

"You've always been a good man, Joel. Respectful, polite, kind, hardworking."

"And suddenly—because I've kissed Oakley—I'm not that person anymore?"

His mother didn't reply to that, so he gave her the answer.

"I'm the same person I've always been."

She swallowed heavily, but didn't rebuff his assertion. "What about that Sadie girl?" she asked hopefully. "I thought you liked her."

Joel considered and instantly dismissed opening that can of worms. He could only fight one battle at a time. And something told him he hadn't won that particular war with Sadie.

Something had spooked her last night. He'd tried to ignore it, to chalk it up to too much amazing sex, but there had been something almost…haunted—for lack of a better word—in her eyes. Until he got things settled with her, that element of this unorthodox, but incredible relationship was going to have to remain a secret. "I do like her. A lot. But that doesn't change how I feel about Oakley."

Mom took off her glasses and wearily wiped her eyes. She wasn't crying, but she looked like she might. It occurred to Joel that he'd never seen her cry. Not once. It was equally as sad to realize he'd never really heard her laugh, either.

"I don't know what you want me to say, Joel."

He wanted her to say she understood. That she accepted it. That she was proud of him and she loved him, but he knew that was too many emotions to ask for. "Then maybe I should be the one to do the talking. I'm with Oakley. I love him and I'm not going to hide that or pretend otherwise when we're in public."

She winced, but he continued anyway.

"And I love you, Mom. Nothing you say right now will ever change that. I know this feels wrong to you, but it doesn't to me. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm being completely true about who I am and what I want."

"I've only ever wanted you to be happy, Joel."

"Well, then take a good look." He held his arms out. "Because this is it. I am happy." And if he could find a way to convince Sadie to remain a part of the equation, that happiness would turn ecstatic. He'd crawled into bed last night, put his head on the pillow and known—honestly and truly known—what he wanted his future to hold for the first time ever. And he intended to move heaven and earth to make it happen. The man who'd spent a lifetime trying to make other people happy was going to grab the lion's share of that emotion for himself.

His mother studied his face for several long, awkward moments. "I know you think I'm a hard, unforgiving woman."

Joel shook his head, but she waved away his denial, pointing toward the barn. "I know that's what he thinks too. And maybe I am, but I don't know how to be anything else. Your father died when you were two months old. I had no money, no job, no skills, no family to help."

Joel reached out and took her hand, relieved that she didn't pull it away. Instead, she tightened her grip, squeezing his. "I'm not good at saying how I feel. I don't understand what you're doing with that man. And I'm not sure I'll ever accept it."

Her words pierced him.

"But I love you, Joel. I'm very proud of the man you've become. I don't want to lose you. You're all I have."

He used their clasped hands to tug her close, wrapping her up in his embrace. "You're not going to lose me, Mom. And I know I've thrown you for a loop. All I'm asking is that you try to understand."

She nodded, her face still buried against his chest. Joel felt a bit of moisture seep through the cotton. She was crying. Strangely, he wasn't sorry about that. He'd spent too much of his life trying to make sure he never gave her a reason for tears. Truth was she'd always been sad, and he suspected she needed a good cry. She had probably held this one in for thirty-plus years.

He gently rocked her as she worked to pull herself together. Then she took a step away, the moment gone as his mother and her strict, stoic countenance was back in place.

"I'll try, Joel. I will."

He smiled. "Can I ask for one more thing?"

She nodded.

"Can you try to be nicer to Oakley? You scare the poor guy."

To his surprise—hell, to his outright amazement—his mother laughed. Loudly. Joel was so entranced by the sound he simply stood and watched her.

Once she'd regained control, she turned to open her car door. "I'm leaving."

"Is that a no?" Joel asked, relieved by the turn the conversation had taken. He'd had several weeks to fret over his budding feelings for Oakley and his mother's reaction. As so often happens, the reality of it was nowhere near as bad as his fears.

"That's a no," she said as she climbed in her car. "That boy needs a little fear to keep him honest."

As she closed the car door and started the engine, Joel began to laugh as well.

His mother was right.

Oakley did.

* * *

Sadie steppedout of the office and hitched her purse up on her arm. She'd left the bar last night with nothing more than her house keys, allowing Joel and Oakley to drive her home. It wasn't as if she could have driven her motorcycle home in a ripped shirt with no buttons. She might have a wild streak, but that didn't include flashing her tits to the whole town.

"Hot date, Sadie?" one of the patrons asked, clearly taking notice of her dressy outfit and makeup.

"Maybe. Maybe not," she said nonchalantly. "Why? You jealous, Teddy?" She hoped the question would turn the attention away from her as she wasn't about to feed the rumor mill. It worked. Teddy's drinking buddies started teasing him about his interest in Sadie as she kept walking. So far she'd managed to avoid her dad who was in the back alley, pulling in boxes from a delivery truck. She wanted that lucky break to continue.

Sadie had almost made it to the door when Jenna Mitchum walked in, her five-year-old in tow and an infant in her arms.

Sadie raised her hands to stop her. "Hey, Jenna. I'm not so sure this is a good place for?—"

Before Sadie could say "kids," Jenna had thrust the baby into her arms.

"Please, Sadie. Can you watch them for just a second? I have a bone to pick with my husband. He was supposed to be home two hours ago."

Sadie glanced over her shoulder and caught sight of the back of Russell Mitchum, bent over the pool table, lining up a shot. Russ wasn't a bad guy overall. He just wasn't the most responsible dad…or particularly bright.

"Um…" Sadie had wanted to say no, but Jenna didn't give her the chance as she left the baby and her young son, Billy, in her care.

Sadie looked around, hoping to find someone else to pawn off this task on. She had zero experience with kids and, as such, they sort of terrified her.

"You got any ice cream?" Billy asked.

Sadie shook her head, and then she was distracted by the raised voices coming from the back of the bar. Billy noticed as well. Sadie didn't want the kid to see his parents fighting, so she grasped his hand and said, "Let's go outside. Sometimes the ice cream truck drives by here."

It was a lie, but the boy believed her just the same. They walked outside the door and claimed the bench set up there for the smokers. No one else was around.

Billy's feet swung madly as he glanced up and down the street hopefully for a treat that was never going to come. Sadie felt bad, but figured not getting ice cream would be less traumatic than listening to his parents screaming at each other.

The baby stirred in her arms and, for the first time, Sadie was forced to turn her attention to the tiny little thing. She did some quick math and figured the infant couldn't be more than two months old. "Boy or girl?" she asked Billy, unable to recall.

"That's my sister, Jane. You can tell she's a girl on account she doesn't have a dinky."

Sadie tried not to grin, though she decided right then, there were definitely worse things Oakley could call his penis than Woody.

"Oh."

Jane had been sleeping, but at that moment, her eyelids lifted and Sadie spotted the baby's bright blue eyes. They stared unfocused for a brief second before finding Sadie's face.

She expected the infant to cry. After all, Sadie was definitely not her mom. Instead, what she saw was no fear, just calm contentment. Jane seemed to realize she was in someone's arms and safe, so she closed her eyes once more and went back to sleep.

Sadie wished her emotions matched Jane's. Instead, they were going too far in the opposite direction. Her heart was racing, her throat closing, and she was starting to fear she would cry.

What the fuck was that about?

She was still reeling, shell-shocked, when Jenna opened the door, Russ in tow. "Oh, there you are. Thanks for watching the kids, Sadie." Jenna reclaimed the baby and her little son, moving both kids and her chastened husband to the car. Once she had them all loaded up, Jenna started the car and drove away, completely oblivious to the wake she'd left behind.

Sadie sat on the bench for several minutes, her thoughts whirling, her emotions in absolute turmoil.

Babies trusted.

Sadie had spent a lifetime avoiding kids because she'd always known she wasn't made to be a mother. Wasn't cut out for it. After all, she'd had the shittiest role model in the history of motherhood, and there was no doubt the fruit hadn't fallen far from the tree. Sadie possessed too many of her mother's wild, uninhibited characteristics.

Babies trusted.

Sadie couldn't shake that realization loose. How many times had Sadie looked at her mother with those same content eyes when she'd been little, so certain that her mom would always be there to take care of her? How could her mother have walked away from her so easily? Left her alone to fend for herself?

Sadie had trusted her. And her mother had shattered it in one selfish moment. Proven to her that the only way to survive, to live, was to trust no one.

All the reasons why she had avoided serious relationships crashed in on Sadie. She'd let things go too far, get too deep with Oakley and Joel. They looked at her with trust and they saw forever.

But what if she wasn't that girl? What if she began to feel trapped and ran? God, how could she promise some concept she didn't understand, offer a commitment that struck pure terror in her heart?

What if she turned out to be exactly like her mother?

Sadie wasa few minutes late entering the restaurant. She'd opted to walk here, hoping the time outside in the cool fall air would help her regain her composure, gather her thoughts.

Find a way to break things off.

She fought against the butterflies in her stomach. They'd been there all day, and the constant fluttering—maybe churning was a better word—had gotten worse after the incident with Jenna…and Jane. Her stomach ached and there was no way she was going to be able to eat.

Oakley had issued this invitation for a date last night after they'd reduced her to a pile of sexually replete goo in the bar. If she'd had two functioning brain cells left, she would have said a big hell no.

Instead, she'd been fucked almost mindless. The only part of her brain that could function was the panic region and it had told her to get the fuck out of there. So she'd said a hasty yes to his request when they'd gotten to her place, tugged her torn blouse closed, and left their truck in a hurry.

She had told them she would meet them here as the restaurant they'd chosen was only a few blocks from Cruisers. They had tried to fight her on that when they had called to confirm this morning, but she'd held firm. If they'd picked her up, it would have felt too much like a real date and she had been determined—at the time—to pretend this was just three friends sharing a meal out.

Now she knew it would be a lot less pleasant than that.

When they reached the table, Joel pulled out her chair for her. Sadie sat down and glanced around the fancy restaurant. There were a fair amount of diners—some familiar faces, others not. Joel pushed her seat in and Oakley reached for her hand across the table.

They were going to have to cease and desist on the touching. Her heart simply couldn't take it. Neither man was good at keeping his hands to himself when it came to their time together, which was why she should have moved the location of this date. Put them somewhere behind closed doors.

She pulled her hand away from Oakley and gave him a warning look, hoping it would encourage him to give up. As always, Oakley failed to feel chastised. Instead, she felt the tip of his boot touch her calf beneath the table, stroking it suggestively.

"This is a nice place," she said, grateful for the long white tablecloth that hung to the floor. It hid Oakley's foot as he got more adventurous. She kicked at his leg, then tried to move her own feet away from his. It didn't work. "Although it looks sort of pricey. We could have just gone to the Sparks Barbeque or something."

Joel reached for her hand, but unlike Oakley, he didn't relinquish it when she tried to pull away. He simply gripped it tighter and it was he who gave the warning look. His dominant streak was her fucking Kryptonite.

Joel winked at her. "It's our first time out together in public. Feel like that calls for something bigger than cheese fries and a pitcher of beer."

She wasn't sure how to respond to the "out together" comment, so she didn't. Instead, she picked up the menu, using it as an excuse to break free from Joel's grip. He released her hand and started looking at his own menu.

"I've never eaten here. What's good?" she asked.

Oakley shrugged. "We've never been here either. I asked Lorelie for the name of a romantic restaurant and she mentioned this place."

Romantic? Sadie's chest tightened. Did Lorelie ask who Oakley was taking out? Had he told her? Lorelie thought she was with Joel. If Oakley had said…

Sadie struggled to catch a deep breath. The air was getting thick and humid, the walls closing in on her.

"We felt like celebrating," Oakley said.

She frowned. "Celebrating?"

Oakley glanced at Joel and grinned. "Joel's mom caught us kissing in the barn and she didn't keel over. Or kill him. Or me. We figured that was worth a big night out on the town."

Sadie experienced two emotions at once—horror at the thought of Joel's mother catching them in the act and relief that the event hadn't severed Joel's relationship with his mom. It also offered her a brief distraction from the fear that hadn't abated since she'd looked into Jane's eyes and known what she would have to do tonight.

"What did she say?" Sadie asked.

Joel didn't appear as overjoyed by the event, though he didn't look upset either. "She was surprised."

"She freaked out," Oakley said.

"We talked about it, and…" Joel shrugged. "I think she's going to be okay with it. Eventually."

Sadie smiled, though she wasn't particularly happy about his story. Not that she wasn't glad for Joel. He and Oakley would be facing some tough times ahead as the new nature of their relationship became public. She knew how much Joel cared about his mother, how much he worried about her. It would have devastated him to lose her approval, so she was glad for that.

However, once again, she felt like the outsider, the usurper. She needed to take a step away from them, so that they could move on with their lives, their futures. They had a shot at real happiness, but that couldn't begin until she set them free to find it.

Joel put his menu down. "Of course, I'm going to throw her for another loop when I tell her the rest of it."

"The rest of it?" Sadie asked.

"When I tell her about you," he said.

She scowled. "Why would you tell her about me?"

Joel's expression darkened. "Why wouldn't I?"

"You tell her about all the women you fuck?" She tried to keep her voice calm, but there was no masking the fear creeping into it.

"No," Joel said. "But I would like to tell her about the woman I'm in love with."

"The woman we're in love with," Oakley added.

"I think we need to stop here." Sadie didn't like where this conversation was headed. Time to put them back on the right track.

Joel shook his head. "No. I think maybe it's time to talk about what comes next, Sadie."

"Nothing comes next." The words fell from her, but once they'd been spoken, she let them hover, hang in the air. She couldn't take them back, couldn't waver in her resolve.

Oakley's foot disappeared from her leg as he leaned back in his chair, his expression far too serious for her fun-loving friend. "What's wrong with taking this to the next level, Sade? Let's change the definition of this from fling to relationship. You gotta admit it feels right."

No. Nothing had ever felt less right to her.

Her temper piqued. She hated being afraid. Being weak. They were pushing her, putting on too much pressure. "I've never lied to you about what I wanted from this. Never pretended it was going to be more."

Oakley ran a frustrated hand through his hair. "It's not like we're asking you to marry us, Sadie."

"Well, that's a good thing. Since it's illegal. Little crime called polygamy. You might want to look it up."

Oakley didn't take offense at her cutting tone, which only served to annoy her more. She was purposely being a bitch, hoping it would drive them away, but neither man seemed willing to leave.

Joel frowned. "We just want you to be our girlfriend, Sadie."

She shook her head. "No."

Both men waited for her to elaborate, but she remained silent. Her head was whirling over all the reasons why she wouldn't, why she couldn't date them, but she struggled to find one that they would believe.

"Why not?" Oakley was ready to push the envelope.

"People wouldn't approve." Yep. That was the lamest one she could have thrown at them. They knew her far too well.

Joel scoffed, just as she'd expected. "You don't give a good goddamn what anyone thinks. Try again."

His arrogant tone sent her into orbit. "Listen. We have fun between the sheets and you have a nice cock, but that doesn't mean I want to wear your letter jacket and go steady. It just means you're a decent fuck."

Her words were deliberately cruel. Probably the meanest things she'd ever said, but they'd backed her against a wall. She'd never been the type to back away from a fight, so even as it ripped her heart to do so, she came out swinging.

If she had hurt him, Joel didn't let on. His face was impassive as he studied hers. She was terrified at what he might see, so she set her features in stone and held his gaze despite her desire to curl up in a ball and sob her heart out. It gave her no pleasure to say these things, but she needed to make a clean break.

"What about me, Sadie? Do you like me?" Oakley's softly worded question pierced her heart.

She didn't have it in her to keep going, to remain so cold. "Please don't make me say things that will hurt you."

Oakley lifted one shoulder, though his face made her feel as if she'd just kicked a puppy. "All we want you to say is the truth."

"That's all I've ever said to you."

Joel tilted his head. "Actually, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure you've never said a single honest word to us. What are you so afraid of, Sadie?"

It was the worst thing he could have said to her. The Milligan family was notorious for its overweening sense of pride and determination to never be called a coward.

"Nothing," she said as she rose from the table. Her hands shook with rage and agony. "I'm not afraid of anything."

Joel didn't bother to stand. The son of a bitch was pushing her buttons. "Then why are you running away from us? From this?"

Sadie leaned closer, her voice dangerously low. "There is no us, Joel. And there never will be. I'm not yours. This train just hit the last station."

With that, she stormed from the restaurant. The steam from her red-hot anger got her back home in record time. And it was only after she closed the door behind her that her true emotions caught up to her.

She crumbled to the floor and cried like she'd never cried before.