Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Ava

" G ood morning. I'm here for a nine o'clock appointment," I say to the receptionist at the obstetrician-gynecologist clinic.

"Good morning. Name?" the receptionist asks.

"Ava O'Brien."

"Sign in. Fill out the forms and return them to me. The nurse will call you." The receptionist hands me a clipboard with a book of forms.

I find a seat in the corner. I never imagined I would be in an obstetrician-gynecologist clinic alone, waiting to learn if I was pregnant or not. There are a few other women sitting in the waiting room, all in different stages of pregnancy. It's surreal. I could be one of these women. I shake my head, trying not to think of Viktor and focus on the forms. Most of them ask about my medical history. I'm on the last page when my name's called. I'm a ball of nerves. Being here alone makes the void of Viktor's absence that much bigger. I don't get to share this moment with him. He's a married man expecting his first child with his wife. The thought makes me want to cry. How did things get this bad? But it doesn't matter. I follow the nurse, who leads me to an examination room.

"Take everything off from the waist down. You can put this gown on. The bathroom is through the door on your left. Please, pee in this cup, and set the cup on the counter when you're done." She hands me the cup and points to the counter. She's cold and clinical, which makes the moment even harder for me.

"The doctor will be with you soon," she adds.

"Thanks."

She leaves the examination room, and I follow her instructions. Lucky for me, I don't have a shy bladder. Changing into a gown, I feel so alone, but I need to get used to it because this is my new reality. Every minute that passes while waiting for the doctor feels like an eternity. The nerves aren't helping either. Finally, there's a knock at the door, and the doctor enters the room.

"Good morning, I'm Dr. Laura Bolan." The doctor smiles, bringing me some comfort in the midst of this storm.

"Hi, Dr. Bolan," I say.

"What brings you in today?" It's a stupid question. Didn't she read the forms I filled out less than twenty minutes ago?

"I took several home pregnancy tests, and they were positive. I… I just want to see if they're correct."

She looks at me. "Let's prop your legs and take a look."

We go through routine questions, and she decides to do a transvaginal ultrasound which I appreciate. I need to know immediately if I'm pregnant. Waiting isn't an option. She talks while she's examining me, trying to make me feel comfortable, I imagine. But there's nothing she can say that will make feel comfortable. I'm alone in an examination room, waiting to be told if my life is going to change. My stomach is in knots because deep down inside, I know she's going to tell me I'm pregnant.

"Yes," she says. "I can confirm you're pregnant." I close my eyes, trying to keep the tears away. I'm not sure if they're happy tears or sad ones.

"Thank you," I whisper.

"Let's go through what this means for you."

In the next ten minutes, she tells me how far along I am and what I can expect in my first trimester. What I should and shouldn't be doing. But all I can think of is, how am I supposed to do this? I feel frozen in place. Up to this moment, my life was trivial compared to right now.

Finally, I leave the doctor's office with instructions and loneliness. I shouldn't be doing this alone. Viktor should be here with me. If I could hate him, this would be the moment. Because if he hadn't betrayed me, he would be standing beside me, holding my hand. We would be celebrating my pregnancy together. I take a deep breath. He deserves to know, and I need to tell him. I take out my cell, ready to dial him. I shouldn't care about Fiona. She certainly didn't care about me. I'm about to press his name when my cell rings. The screen reads Tina. Maybe this is for the best. I let out my breath and send her call to voicemail. I don't want to talk to her. She's a reminder of what is missing in my life—of who is missing in my life. My cell beeps.

Tina: Voicemail? Not cool. I'm worried about you. I just want to know that you're ok.

At first, I don't want to answer. But she's my best friend. I can't do that to her, and at the end of the day, she hasn't done anything to me.

Ava: I'm fine. At work.

I put my cell in my purse. A part of me still wants to call Viktor, but the other part squalls I don't need him. I feel so conflicted. Why can't my heart and head be on the same page? I walk to the nearest bus stop because I do have to go to work. Lucky for me the bus comes quickly. Inside, I take a seat, and Viktor occupies my thoughts. We talked about kids once. Another thing that feels like a lifetime ago.

"What do you think?" he asks as I pop a grape in my mouth. It's a beautiful afternoon, and we're having a picnic in the backyard.

"About?"

"Did you hear a word I said?" His voice deepens. It's the one that tells me he's in the first stage of being annoyed.

"Maybe," I tease. I swear, sometimes I just do things to get a reaction from him.

"I can still punish you here." He pulls me onto his lap. My libido is ready for him.

"I bet." I giggle. He turns me on my stomach and spanks me once across my ass. "We aren't alone." I look around.

"I don't care." His tone is dark but playful.

"Okay, okay. I surrender."

"Kids. Where do you stand?"

"Haven't thought about it. I'm too young." I find the question odd. It's not like we're getting married. I'll be leaving for my old life soon. "Why do you ask?"

"Curious."

"Do you want kids?" I pop another grape.

"I'm done talking." He pulls me up with him. The next thing I know, I'm over his shoulder, and the conversation is over.

I look out the window and see a mother holding her little girl's hand. I find myself thinking, soon enough, that will be me. I can't help the tears. I would love to blame it on the hormones, but I know it's not true. It hurts to remember why Viktor and I aren't together. We could have been a family. Now here I am, sitting on a bus, remembering what we were once and will never be again.

I got home from work a few hours ago. I've been sitting on the couch looking out the window.

While I was at work, it was busy, so I didn't have time to think, but here I have no choice. I still don't have a plan, and I know I need one. There's a baby coming, and nothing is going to change that. I hear my stomach growl and get off the couch to go to the kitchen and cook dinner. This is what I need, a mindless task, but the more I try not to think, the more the appointment from this morning replays.

"Hey," Lisa calls, startling me.

"Hi, didn't hear you come in." I cover the pot.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"Are you sure? Those tears kinda say otherwise." I wipe my eyes. I didn't realize I was crying.

"Long day," I tell her, hoping it's enough of an answer.

"Want to talk about it?" I want to say no, but in a few months, she'll see anyway.

"I had a doctor's appointment earlier today." She sits down with a worried face. "I'm pregnant," I confess.

"I don't know how you need me to react. So tell me, should I congratulate you or be pissed for you?" Her face is genuine. It makes me smile, and for a moment, I don't feel alone.

"I don't know how I feel."

"I'm here. Whatever you need." She smiles.

"Thanks."

As I cook, she tells me all about her day. I appreciate the change of topic. Things are so complicated, and I'm not ready to tell her about Viktor. I'm still trying to figure out how I feel and what I want to do next.