Chapter 15

FIFTEEN

Asha

I trek back through the woods until I reach the main road, where I find Max fuming. He lowers his gun and glares at me, his handsome features twisted with anger, and it’s a little surprising. Max is really good at hiding his emotions, so the fact that he’s not right now says a lot.

There’s a pit in my stomach, but I can’t exactly bring it in me to regret what I did.

As I approach him, he calls out, “She’s here,” and the other two hustle out of nearby houses as he stomps toward me. “Where the fuck were you?”

I stand my ground, knowing I have to hide what I did and conceal my feelings as well as he typically does. But because I’m not good at concealing my emotions, I decide instead to match his anger with anger of my own. “Looking for the ladies’ room. Do I need your permission to take a piss too?” The words drip with sarcasm.

Perfect. If I’m angry, he won’t ask too many questions.

But, oh boy, that only irritates him further as he gives a look of absolute exasperation. “We have a system, Asha, that we use to verify your safety?—”

“I wasn’t going to sit on the goddamn sidelines the entire time, Max! My pack could be anywhere, barely holding on.”

Okay, it probably wasn’t the right thing to say, but some huge part of me resents this whole thing, so it’s easy to pull from that. I should just be focused on my pack, not pretending to play the Enforcer game, or falling in line with Max. I just found a pack member! There are more of them, still alive, in these woods, and they’re hopefully going to escape, if I can play this right!

I should be celebrating, not being scolded like I’m a child.

Max seems to take a minute, and I think he’s trying to calm down. Maybe some of his anger is rolled in fear after not finding me where he left me. I suspect it at least, but he seems to fail in his attempt to be calmer, even if his voice comes at a smidge more even. “You won’t be much help to any of your pack members if you get yourself killed.”

Ironic that he’s telling me what to do. “Says the shifter whose ass I had to save the last time we got into a scrap.”

Orson lifts his eyebrows and smirks furtively like a schoolboy watching an incipient playground fight. Braxton flushes from embarrassment because he remembers I saved his ass, too. That’s right, boys. Sometimes I’m in the mood to listen and follow orders, but when I have better things to do, I won’t. And don’t you forget it… along with the fact that in many ways, I’m more powerful than all of you combined.

Sensing the performance aspect of our tiff, Max marches past me towards the treeline. “Asha, a word?”

With a groan, I follow him. We reconvene in the backyard of a dead couple’s home, their bodies splayed in the grass, arms cast over their heads as though in grim invitation to use their lawn for our private aside. At a whispering volume, Max says, “You need to start trusting me, Asha.”

Oh, shit. This is not what I want to hear. These are the things that get my walls to crumble, and if they crumble, he’s going to find it easy to dig out the truth from me. And I won’t be the reason that any more of my pack members die.

So, I need to focus on my anger. Something that isn’t that hard to do, even if my anger isn’t directed at Max, at least not deep down.

Deep breath. “What sign have I given you that I distrust you?” I question defensively. “If I recall correctly, I was very trusting last night.” The second the words pop out of my mouth, I want to take them back, but it’s too late.

His brow furrows, and he cocks his head back. “Quite the mental gymnastics to use your own vulnerability against me in an argument. If that had been an indication of your trust, you’d be less recalcitrant today.”

I scoff. “ Recalcitrant? What are you, an English teacher with an authority complex? I told you I wouldn’t wait. Fair warning.” Even though he had gone with me and had let me go ahead, not waiting for the Enforcers. Technically .

Max huffs. “We keep a chain of command for a reason.”

“Right, and where does your chain of command terminate, Max? It’s not with you, is it?”

He shakes his head. “You know the answer to that.”

It’s not enough. He’s still waiting. Still expecting an answer. Whatever I’ve said so far hasn’t been enough to end this miserable conversation, so I need to push harder.

I lean closer, adopting his low, urgent whisper. “Who has your loyalty, Max? Is it me? Or is it the Enforcers? You know damn well it can’t be both.”

He wears an indignant sneer. “What about you? Do your loyalties lie with us or with your pack?”

“I thought we were a pack.”

Fuck. Did I really use his sweet words against him? This isn’t fun. In trying to hide the truth, I’m acting like a complete bitch, and I don’t seem to be able to stop.

“Yeah, well, what’s one pack worth when you have multiple?” He sounds hurt as he turns away, staring off for a moment into the forest.

Damn it. I hate this. I don’t know what I wanted, but it wasn’t this.

Then he whirls back and asks, “The Blood Mage who did this... do you know where they are?”

Did he seriously just ask me that? I merely glare back at him, resenting the implication that I would actively work against him. Even if I technically let my brother go before, and I’m technically lying right now. Actually, I keep glaring, because I’m in an ethically gray zone that seems to be darkening by the second, and I can’t show even the smallest sign of weakness.

Max raises his arm and points towards the house. “You know what’s in there?”

I refuse to give him any kind of answer because I don’t like his tone and don’t know where he’s going with this. Not that I think that will get him to stop. Max is a dog with a bone when he gets going like this.

“You want to see?” He takes me by the arm and drags me up to the house.

We have to step over the bodies of the two adults to enter through the backdoor, but once inside, I discover the diminutive corpses of two children. It’s a little boy and a little girl, most likely siblings, most likely the children of the dead parents outside. I don’t want to envision it, but a scene appears on the stage of my mind, the parents putting themselves before their children in a futile attempt to save their kids. Then they’re struck down, in front of the children, whose lives end seconds later.

A cold shiver races down my spine and I fight against a swell of emotion threatening to erode my composure. “You see what this person has done? Whatever your feelings about the Raven Pack, I hope you’re not too far gone to condemn the lives of children for the sins of their parents. Is this really a person you want to protect?”

I want to rebuke him for the suggestion, but I’m locked in a battle with an approaching breakdown.

Max seizes my arm again, ostensibly to drag me to another horrific scene, but suddenly Braxton appears. “Enough.”

“No, it’s not enough,” Max says, glaring at his brother. “If she’s working with the bastard who did this to the last town, who tried to kill both of us, and who killed everyone here, we need to get her to see why it’s wrong.”

“Not by any means necessary!” Braxton challenges, taking a step closer to us.

My heart races. The smells rush over me. Smoke. Burned flesh. Blood. Death. It’s hard to breathe. It’s hard to think. I’m panting hard, and the room is spinning.

Max’s grip on me tightens. “Yes, by any means necessary! She’s on the cusp. Don’t you get that?”

The cusp. The edge. The darkness that’s always there waiting to pull me into it. To change me into whatever it is brother and the others have become, to steal the last of my humanity.

How much easier would it be for me to let the wisps take over? I wouldn’t have to think anymore. I wouldn’t have to hurt anymore.

“Let go of her,” Braxton says, his words sound far away.

“Not until she sees the rest. Not until she sees what side she should be on.”

See more. The bodies. The death. Images of my pack flash in my mind. The sight of my mom’s eyes, void of life. The sound of my sister’s screaming. The smell of acrid smoke.

Max tries to haul me past Braxton. Braxton shoves Max and his hand slips from my arm. The brothers snarl in one another’s faces, and I fall back, not knowing what to focus on as the past and present fight with one another in my mind.

“What are you trying to do, Max?” Braxton points at me, his voice filled with rage. “Can’t you see she’s this close to breaking down?”

This close. Breaking down. He’s right. I am breaking down. All of this is too much. I can’t breathe. I can’t escape my own skin, and it’s so damn tight.

But Braxton isn’t finished. “The last time this happened she nearly let that animal pack member of hers kill her! What you’re doing now is only adding to her survivors guilt! She can’t handle it!”

I remember. That dark moment. The time my brother looked at me and the darkness called, whispering that I could be free if I just let him end it all.

Maybe I should have.

“What? When the hell did this happen? Why wasn’t I told?” Max shouts.

“Because you’re not always in charge! You don’t always know everything! Sometimes you’re just… wrong!”

“Don’t you dare question my authority, Braxton. I’m the leader of this team. You serve underneath me.” His words buzz through my mind. Enraged, on the edge of something different too.

“You can’t cling to that chain of command bullshit after you fuck one of your teammates, Max.”

His words shock me out of my own head. Did Braxton really just say that? I wrap my arms around myself. Is he right? How much should things change now that we’ve slept together? I don’t even know anymore because my life hasn’t exactly given me a sense of what a normal relationship is.

I suddenly realize Orson is standing behind me. “What do you see?” he whispers.

“See?” The word comes out through teeth that chatter. When did it get so cold?

“ See . Tell me what you see.”

I know he’s doing something, and it’s helping, so I try to ignore the arguing of the twins and focus on Orson instead. “I see Max and Braxton, the house, the bodies–”

“What do you hear?” That’s right. I shouldn’t focus on the bodies.

I hug myself tighter. “Shouting.” Then, more slowly, “Water dripping. Floor boards creaking.”

“Smell?” he whispers, and his face is suddenly in front of me. And he has a nice face, that of a sweet surfer caught in our world of death and hardship.

“I smell smoke. Burned flesh.” No, don’t think of that. “You… sandalwood, honey, no, caramel. It’s nice. Comforting. Like you.”

He smiles and those brilliant mismatched eyes of his light up. “What do you feel?”

Feel? I’m not as cold. But what do I feel? My mind isn’t spinning. “The floor under my feet. The air against my skin.” I reach out and put a hand lightly on his chest. “You.”

He puts his hand briefly over mine, smiling, then squeezes it.

His touch surprises me. How comfortable it is. Like we’ve touched like this a thousand times before. My breathing slows. Reality starts settling back in. I’m here with Max, Braxton, and Orson. I’m okay, but there’s tension in the air. A different kind of problem than the one in my mind. Orson’s hand drops away from mine, and he steps back to my side. I try not to miss his touch, and instead focus on the brewing tension.

“None of this Enforcer bullshit matters as much as us sleeping with her! Being with her!” Braxton shouts, and this time his words filter into my mind.

I glance sidelong at Orson, trying to decide whether he caught that last remark. He doesn’t look the least bit surprised, which makes me wonder if we’ve been as careful about concealing our relationship as I’d thought. Him being in the know with this might add just another layer of complication to an already complicated situation.

“There still has to be a little discipline among this team,” Max insists, still angrier than I’ve ever seen him. “I can’t carry all of you.”

Braxton scoffs, only fanning the flame of Max’s anger. He shoves Braxton. It’s a little too hard, and Braxton stumbles back against the wall. Testosterone kicks in and he comes back with a shove of his own, but Max prepares, braces his legs, and clasps his hands around Braxton’s shoulders. The two grapple one another and I see their wolves raring to leap forth, their features teasing wolven traits.

I think to myself, fuck it, let them work it out in their own way. It’d be a nice distraction. But Orson shoves his way between them and forces them away from one another like a boxing judge. Everyone starts shouting at one another until the sputter of car engines shuts everybody up.

Max is first out the door, sprinting down the road, but we’re right at his heels. We pause in the middle of the street, where earlier a collection of abandoned cars sat, now all gone.

“Fuck,” Max curses. He charges up to me. “Was it the killers?” he asks.

I refuse to answer. Not just to protect my pack, but out of spite.

His gaze darkens, and I hold my breath, not sure what to expect. But when he lifts his phone to his ear, I have no choice. I can’t let him call this into the Enforcers, it’ll jeopardize my pack’s safety.

I grab hold of his arm. “It’s the prisoners, not the killer! It’s my pack members!”

He looks in my eyes, and I can see the process of evaluation unfolding in his.

“I have my secrets, but I’m not insane,” I plead.

His gaze softens, the hardness in them fading away. He trusts me. The phone lowers and he sighs. “You found them in the woods?”

“Yes.” I feel my shoulders fall. “I thought I could get them out of here without you knowing.”

“And are they…?”

Like my brother? Like me? Luckily for all of us, they’re not.

“They haven’t been experimented on,” I tell him. “They’re harmless, Max. Let them go. You know what will happen to them if you tell the Enforcers about those cars. Please.”

Max cuts his eyes to the other members of our team. He’ll get no flak from Braxton, who only feels beholden to his brother, not their employers, so his gaze slides past him. His eyes light upon Orson, wary of his reaction, and I feel my own heartbeat picking up.

What does he think? This criminal turned team member. If he sells us out, then we’ll all be in more trouble than we can imagine.

Orson looks around at the rest of us and shrugs. “I was sent here to do whatever you tell me to do,” he says, nodding at Max. “That’s my job, not playing narc.”

I relax. He, at least, will keep it to himself, so now it’s all about Max. And this moment feels important, a moment I can see where his loyalties lie when it comes to the right thing, and the pack he suggested we create, versus the legal thing.

After a second, Max nods and pockets his phone. “Maybe there weren’t any cars here after all.”

I breathe a sigh of relief. I can trust Max. I can trust all of these men, at least with the precious lives of the pack members who were here. It doesn’t mean I can tell them everything, but it does help.

“Thank you,” I tell him, fighting the urge to wrap him in a tight hug.

Then, Max looks at Orson. “Speaking of gratitude. Thank you, for back there, for helping her.”

Braxton stiffens, and it’s like I can see his wheels churning, but I don’t know what he’s thinking.

Orson gives his trademark shrug. “No worries. I’ve had a panic attack or two myself.”

I try not to feel ashamed as they talk, but the shame is there. It’s a powerful enemy that seems to always be somewhere deep inside when I don’t have enough control over my emotions. I hate feeling weak, but some huge part of me is grateful that these men seem to understand at least a little of what I’m going through.

Braxton takes a step toward Orson, and I tense for a fight. “You’re… okay,” he says, then offers the other man his hand.

Really? My heart warms.

Orson smiles, and his smile is like the sunlight as he takes Braxton’s hand in a bro moment that won’t be soon forgotten. At least, I hope it isn’t. I can sense more than a little potential for these men to become friends.

Then, Max turns to me. “And I’m sorry for back there. I don’t want you to end up on the wrong side, but I pushed you too far. I forgot how fragile you are still.”

The fragile part stings, but I have to accept that it’s true. Especially given the fact that I just had a meltdown.

“I’m going to have secrets, but only the ones I have to,” I admit. “But you need to remember, saving my pack is the only reason I want to keep breathing right now. If I didn’t have them…” I can’t finish the words, but I don’t think I have to.

The pain that strikes Max’s face takes my breath away as he pulls me in for a hug, then whispers, “We’re going to work on giving you more reasons. I swear.” His hold is tight and comforting, drawing tears from my eyes.

If he’s going to put his focus on giving me a reason to live, a hug like that is a pretty good start.

When he pulls back, he surprises me by planting a kiss on my lips. It’s light, gentle, but full of meaning. And in his dark gaze, I see a promise that eases the pain inside of me, if only by a little bit.

Trouble, who’s apparently been sniffing around the perimeter, comes and plops down beside me, offering his head, and refocusing me on where we are now. Alright, mutt . I scratch his noggin, which proves a little treat for both of us. My pack members are safe, Simon is nowhere to be seen, and the Enforcers are on their way.

Time to get through dealing with them and continue tracking my brother, before he can do this to another town. Part of me wants to believe he won’t, that this was an act of revenge against the people who had destroyed our lives, but that conclusion doesn’t explain the first place. That was just annihilation for no reason.

My brother just might be the most dangerous creature around… except for me, if the darkness ever pulls me under.