Chapter Seven

CHAPTER SEVEN

She placed herself in exile for the next two days, taking her meals on a tray in the lovely sitting room that was part of her suite.

When Virginia came to see her after breakfast the first morning, she had no other choice but to assure her sister--in--law she was fine, just a little tired from the journey.

“It’s nothing else, Ceana? Is it the children? Have they been a bother?”

“They could never be a bother. They’re all wonderful and you know it.”

“Macrath? Has he said something to upset you?”

She smiled. “No. He’s been Macrath and that’s never upsetting.” She smiled at her sister--in--law. “Truly, it’s nothing. I thought being lazy for a day or two might be for the best.”

Virginia was finally assured of her health and her mood. She didn’t need to know about her confusion or the fact she was perilously close to tears most of the time.

She missed her girls and she missed Peter, but above all she missed herself.

Her brothers--in--law would have her remain in black, becoming the matriarch of the family. She would be spoken about in whispers. Dear Aunt Ceana, widowed all these years. She never quite survived the death of her beloved husband. Shush, don’t speak so loud. You are in the company of our straight--laced Aunt Ceana. She is the bulwark of the family, the morality expert. She dictates and passes judgments on others.

Oh, but she didn’t want to be like Brianag.

She wanted to live. Dear God, she wanted to feel delight and joy and happiness once again. She wanted to rear her daughters to be strong women. She wanted to show them life was a series of events, some good, some bad, but they could weather them all.

How did she do that if she retreated into darkness? If she became the black cloud over Iverclaire?

She wanted passion, and if that single wish and desire tainted her soul, then so be it. She could not forget she was alive. After Bruce’s kiss, how could she? That spike of desire she’d felt had shocked her.

Perhaps she locked herself in her suite as punishment. Or to hide from temptation.

Oh, he was a temptation wasn’t he? With his grin and his surprising eyes and his deep and masculine voice. He’d incited her compassion and her tears, yet now all she could think about was how he kissed.

Would he be a good lover?

No one had ever told her, prior to her marriage, she might enjoy the physical aspects of love so much. When Peter was taken from her, that was gone as well. Was she so terrible for wanting to feel desire again? Was she a harlot?

She needed to see a man of God. Peter’s family was Presbyterian, like she’d been reared, but sometimes she wished they were Catholic. How nice it must be to go see a priest and confess all her sins and be given penance for them. As it was, she was the only one to dole out her punishment: being a hermit in her rooms.

Bruce Preston was still too much on her mind, however.

On the morning of the third day, she left her suite, slipped down the back stairs, and escaped Drumvagen almost miraculously. Brianag didn’t stop her in the corridor. None of the children saw her. Her only witness was a young maid who smiled brightly as she carried a bucket of cleaning supplies up the stairs.

She knew, from conversations among the children, there were at least three ways to the village of Kinloch. She took the easiest way, the road leading from the back of the house, hugging the cliffs.

It was bright, no clouds overhead to mar the promise of a beautiful day. Seabirds called to her as she walked. The incoming tide whispering over the sand sounded like her name: Ceana.

How many -people worked at Drumvagen? In addition to the barn and the stables some distance from the house, there were the buildings housing Macrath’s refrigeration machines. She counted five of those, each one closer to the village than the next. Did he own all the land between Drumvagen and Kinloch?

A surge of pride made her smile. Macrath had achieved everything he’d wanted as a boy in Edinburgh. Nor had he been stingy with his good fortune. Look how intent he’d been to ensure she had a chance at a bright future, too. If he hadn’t paid for and accompanied her during her London season, she would never have met Peter. Macrath, in turn, would never have met Virginia.

Fate had a large hand in their romantic destinies.

“You shouldn’t be on the road alone.”

She jerked, startled and turned to face Bruce.

“I’m only going to Kinloch,” she said. “No farther.”

“Nevertheless, you shouldn’t be alone.”

“This Henderson person doesn’t want me. I doubt if he even knows I exist.”

“I’m not willing to take that chance,” he said. “I don’t want any harm to come to you.” He reached out his hand, the backs of his fingers brushing her cheek.

She took a step back. “I have to go to the village.”

“Then fine, I’ll accompany you.”

“That wouldn’t be acceptable. I’m going to see the minister. I’ve been told that Kinloch has a lovely church.”

“Are you feeling the need of spiritual guidance?”

She only shook her head.

“You’re going to go ask him if it’s all right if you continue living.”

How did he know that?

“Go back to Drumvagen, Bruce,” she said, beginning to walk again.

“Are you going to ask for expiation for that, too? For calling me Bruce as opposed to Mr. Preston? How improper you can be, Ceana.”

She stopped in the middle of the road, folded her arms and glared at him.

“Are you going to follow me all the way to Kinloch?”

“Yes. I have your safety to consider as well as the rest of the family. Besides, I can give you as much spiritual guidance as your minister.”

She ignored him and continued walking.

“You may call me Reverend Preston.”

“Don’t be sacrilegious.”

His grin was too captivating. She simply couldn’t look in his direction.

“I would say to you, Ceana Mead, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to live, even after such a disastrous loss.”

He was speaking from personal experience, which made it difficult to discount his words.

“I’m living,” she said.

“You’re breathing and you’re moving, but are you really living?”

She stopped again.

“Who are you to judge me?”

“The man who kissed you.”

She stared at him wide eyed.

“Has no other man kissed you but Peter?”

Surely she wasn’t supposed to answer that?

He moved closer to her. Even though they were standing in the middle of a paved road, it seemed too intimate. She wanted to put her hand on his chest and push him away. No, she mustn’t touch him.

“It took years for me to realize that short of doing myself in, I was going to live. I would spare you some of that wasted time.”

“Did you never think of doing yourself in?” The idea had never occurred to her because of her daughters. But for him, the situation was different. He had lost his children in addition to his wife.

“No,” he said. “There was a time when I tried to kill myself with whiskey, but I began to loathe the taste of it, not to mention what it made me feel like in the morning.”

She turned and began to walk again, but slower now.

“If I take a case of someone who needs protection,” Bruce said, “I’ll do everything in my power to ensure they’re safe.”

“There’s no need for kisses, though,” she said, not looking at him.

“Oh, no, that was just for me.”

He showed no signs of dropping back. Would he walk all the way to Kinloch with her, sit outside the church while she spoke to the minister? What on earth would she say?

There’s this man who troubles me, Reverend. He’s too handsome for my peace of mind. When he grins at me I lose my train of thought. When he kissed me, I almost fainted with desire.

That wouldn’t do, would it?

She stole a glance at him. He was smiling at her.

Against such an implacable will, what choice did she have?

She shook her head, turned on her heel and began walking back to the house.

“Very well,” she said. “I’ll go back to Drumvagen and be a hermit there. But I have to return to Ireland soon. You can’t think of stopping me.”

“I only ask that you not leave until we find Henderson. I can’t guarantee your safety otherwise.”

“Then do hurry up and find the idiotic man,” she said.

Did he realize that he was one of the reasons why she was thinking of leaving so soon?

They walked together. To her surprise, he didn’t feel the need to fill the silence with words.

“Tell me about your home,” she said a few minutes later.

“I have a house near Boston,” he said. “It’s close enough to the city that I don’t feel isolated, but it sits on a bluff overlooking the ocean.”

“Have you always lived there?”

Did he realize what she was asking? From his smile, it seemed as if he did.

“Only for the last five years,” he said.

So there weren’t memories in every room, around every corner, unlike her situation in Ireland.

Iverclaire was a grand castle, more than adequate for the four brothers and their wives, with room left over for a dozen more family members.

She’d found refuge from memories by moving into one of the abandoned gardener’s cottages on the estate. It boasted three rooms, adequate space for her and the girls. The kitchen was ample, opening up into a large sitting room. The girls had one bedroom and she the other. More than anything else, it offered privacy and silence, blessed silence.

“Macrath and I grew up in Edinburgh, and I’m surprised he chose to live here.”

“While I greet the Atlantic each day. The ocean appears angry most of the time, unlike here.”

“My daughters would like the beach,” she said. “And the grotto.”

She felt her cheeks warm at the mention of the grotto and wished she hadn’t said anything. He would think she was recalling the first time she saw him, and of course she was doing no such thing. That the image of him on the beach was seared into her mind was something she needed to remedy.

At the base of the back stairs she turned to face him.

He held out his hand and she placed hers in it.

“I want you safe, Ceana.”

By his words he meant for her to stay close to Drumvagen. Did he also mean to avoid him? She had a feeling she should do both.

She nodded, pulled her hand free and began to mount the steps, forcing herself not to look back at him.