Episode Thirty-Four Memories

E ldar

The first night of my captivity was in an apartment right here in this compound. It was the same layout as this apartment. It was in a bathroom filled with the same white tiles as the one she's pissing in right now.

Only no pissing was happening.

I was young. I don't know, maybe five or six. His abuses felt like hours. Maybe it didn't last that long. All I know is that when he was done with me, I'd learned the nature of my existence and how much power I possessed.

None.

I was a powerless being who could be forced to do anything, at any time, to anyone, no matter how much pain or shame was involved.

Maybe that's one reason I didn't like Lylah. We had too much in common. By the vacant look in her eyes, she'd learned the same lessons. I hate myself so much for it. How could I not hate her for the same reasons?

I remember I'm here, that I have a body, that I'm breathing. I pull myself from the sucking vortex of my thoughts. When my eyes pop open, I see the bed, which carries with it a thousand other hideous memories. These rooms, their furnishings, are all so much alike.

"Eldar? You okay?"

It strikes me she handled this trip down memory lane better than me. Shit. I need to grab the fucking gun and get back downstairs.

"Yeah. Just tired."

I rise, walk to the bed, slip my hand between the mattresses and grab the laser pistol. For a moment, I allow myself to imagine what I would have done if it had been me who had a gun when I'd been a prisoner in one of these apartments.

I scoff when I realize I probably didn't have the balls to even spit in my master's tea. Master! Fuck! I still think of him like that.

I stand taller, shake my head to push all of that out of my mind, and stalk to the door. After one more deep breath, I open it and tease, "How long were you going to keep me waiting, female?"

She grabs my free hand, pulls me down the short hallway, and leads us back to sit at the little table where I read that horrible document only a few minutes ago.

Holding both my hands in hers, she says, "You have a mate who loves you beyond measure. And you have Hazlan and me. I'm getting to know you, Eldar, and everything I learn about you makes me like you more."

As if she can't bear to stay in her own seat for one more second, she surges out of the chair, into my lap, and cups my cheek.

"We're not that." Her gaze cuts down the hallway. "We're not what happened to us. We're not the past. We're here in the present."

There's something about her complete acceptance. It's different from what I get from Zoron, who loves me more than life itself and accepts me fully as I am. It's different because this female knows . She knows what happened to me in that bathroom, that bedroom. At least she has a good idea. And beyond knowing the what of it. She knows how it felt.

Having her support feels different, deeper in a way.

"I don't want Zoron to know. Ever. I never told him the… extent of things."

She nods. "I have a good idea, though, Eldar, and it makes no difference to me. It wasn't your fault. Neither of us had a choice then, but we do now. You're a good male."

Something inside my chest unfurls, like a bud opening to a flower. There's a loosening there, as if her looking into my eyes with compassion created more room in there somehow.

"I'll keep your secret, but we both know that male down there would only love you more, not less, if he knew all the ugly things in this beautiful head of yours."

She taps my temple with her finger.

She's right about Zoron. I know it.