Episode Thirty-Two I Deserve

L ylah

My thoughts are in the nowhere place. I didn't think that would happen, though I've certainly been here often enough. I came to the nowhere place during beatings and sexual assaults and when Joseph hammered me with his words.

In some ways, that was the worst because it often went on longer than the physical abuse. He'd keep repeating how worthless and ugly and useless I was until I wished for death.

But he's not here now. He's dead and I'm alive.

Eldar's my mate, though I've never felt close to him, never particularly liked him until right now. He's being very thoughtful. His arms are wrapped around me, and he's crooning in my ear. His sweet behavior wriggles its way deep inside me, piercing all the way to the nowhere place and beckoning me back into my body.

Curling my fingers around his sturdy shoulders, I press my head to his chest and listen to the thump, thump, thump of his heart.

"Bastards, Lylah. Motherfuckers. That's what they were. They had no right to sell you or own you or do any of the shit they did to you."

I would have been beaten to within an inch of my life for using any of those words. It delights me to hear him use them when referring to my father and the other man. The other bastard , my mind corrects.

"What do you want to do with the paper?" he asks as he pets my head.

I know he doesn't like me. That's obvious. Or at least he didn't like me. Has everything changed between us? Because he's being so nice and it feels so good. Or is he just trying to hurry this up so he can get back to his lover and we can leave this forsaken place?

"I don't know what I want to do with it," I whisper. My thoughts are still foggy.

"We could hang it back on the wall. We can leave it here, just as it is. Or you could stomp the glass and grind the paper into the floor with your heel."

His hand keeps petting down the channel of my back. Somehow it helps me focus.

"We could remove it from its frame and set the motherfucker on fire."

I'm glad he pauses for a moment, because visualizing that allows my heart to burst with happiness at the thought.

"You could tear it into itty-bitty pieces and throw it in the air to scatter to the four winds. Oh, you'll like this…" He pauses to whet my appetite. "You could remove the paper and piss on the damned thing."

That brought a little smile to my face.

"Or carry it with you to use when you take your next dump."

He gets a full-fledged laugh out of me with that.

"You like that, Beauty? You want to wipe your ass with that fancy paper that sold you like you were a possession?"

When I shrug, he continues. "Well, that's such a good idea, I might just take it with me and use it the next time I take a shit."

"No." My voice is low and still filled with tears, but that paper is mine. I earned it with blood and pain.

Suddenly it hits me. I know exactly what I want to do with it.

"I want you to help me remove it from its frame."

I lean back to look at him. He's listening intently, clearly wanting to do my bidding.

"Do you think we can roll it tight and keep it from getting wrinkled?"

His eyes narrow in question. I imagine he's wondering why I'd want to keep the thing perfect.

"Aye."

"I want to take it with us, and I want you to help me learn to read. Would you… would you be willing to do that?"

"Aye." He pauses a moment and then adds, "I'd be happy to."

There's something about the way he says those words that makes me believe him.

"I'm going to learn to read, Eldar. And whenever I feel low, or sad, or like I'm not good enough or strong enough, I'm going to pull it out and read it and remind myself what it says."

He leans closer, questioning me with his gaze.

"Not because that paper is right. Not because I'm property, but the opposite. It will remind me of how wrong that is. How I'm an important person who belongs to no one."

I'm suddenly invigorated. Full of not only energy, but power.

"I'm a free person, Eldar, and I deserve a happy life. And I deserve to make my own choices.

"Choosing to mate the three of you was made under duress, to save my life. And you made the choice to save Hazlan and me, also under duress, because it was the right thing to do. For that, I am grateful. What we do or how we react from now on is still a choice for all of us. And Eldar?"

A few days ago I never would have said this, but I say it now, so full of my own power he won't be able to escape my meaning.

"I deserve to be loved ."