Chapter 33

33

“ H ow are we going to kill him if we can’t kill him?” Brax asked, anger and frustration in every line of his body.

Earlier, Draven had offered to ease Brax’s ‘big’ emotions using his empathic powers. As a result, Draven was now stationed outside Mikhail’s office instead of inside .

Mikhail shook his head and shuffled some papers on his desk just to give his hands something to do. The last twenty-four hours had been hectic. They had confirmed that a doppelg?nger had told Brax to step down from his position as General of the Demon Horde and to inform them to cease all operations against the rebelling civilians and X. Brax was also prohibited from harming or killing Zagan. Unfortunately, Brax had been completely fooled by Z, so when he had first seen Mikhail, he’d decked him.

Mikhail rubbed at the bruise on his jaw. Brax’s punch had sent him to the ground, and if not for their two guardians, Mikhail was positive he’d have a lot more than a single bruise. It hurt like hell. And he wasn’t talking about his jaw. He’d thought that he and Brax were solid and were back on even ground. He’d believed Brax had forgiven him. Clearly, Brax still had a lot of resentment bubbling beneath the surface. Yes, Z had fooled him, but the anger burning in Brax’s eyes hadn’t just been about the ‘commands’. Brax had believed, without any hesitation, that Mikhail would fire him. Just like that. He hadn’t even questioned it. And that lack of trust just about broke Mikhail’s heart.

“Are you listening to me?”

Mikhail looked up, finding Brax glaring down at him from the opposite side of his desk. “No. Not really. You’re ranting.”

“Ranting?! I’m not ranting! I’m expressing how fucked up this is!” Brax spun away, paced to the door, shouted at Draven to mind his own business when the angel inquired if he was okay, and turned back to Mikhail. “We can’t so much as lift a finger against Z anymore.”

“And here you are, filled with so much rage and no target for it,” Mikhail said evenly. “I get it.”

“You could stand to have a bit more rage yourself,” Brax pointed out heatedly.

“Oh, I’m angry,” Mikhail promised, doing his best to remain in control.

Brax scoffed. “You don’t look angry. You look like a?—”

Mikhail narrowed his eyes when Brax cut himself off. “I look like a what? A king? A king who just spent the day with a bereaved family? How about a king who has a skinwalker, mind-controlling brother who is misrepresenting him? Not only to you but to his people. Do I look like a king with the weight of the world on his shoulders, Brax? Do I look like a king who is responsible for every soul in all the realms? Because that’s how I feel .” Speaking with the remaining fox shifters had been brutal. And paying his respects to the bodies had been worse. The children were all so small.

Mikhail’s breath shuddered out. He wanted Jinx. He hadn’t seen her since the day before, but he had been able to send a few messages, and she’d promised him she was just fine. It was hard for him to believe anything was going to be just fine again. Not when Z was out there turning his own people against him. The number of people the Horde were capturing in support of a change to the kingdom was increasing. And now they were openly saying that X was the person they wanted in charge. Zagan was whispering in a lot of ears, and he had the means to make people listen.

“I know you have a lot on your mind, Mikhail,” Brax allowed begrudgingly. “But sitting at your desk isn’t going to fix anything. We need to act.”

Mikhail steepled his fingers, eyeing Brax across the room. “We’ve been acting all day. We’ve been acting for weeks, months, and even years. You’re pissed because you can’t slap Z around anymore? I promise you, there are still plenty of people willing to do it in your place. Your problem is that you don’t trust me to get the job done.”

Brax waved his hand, saying dismissively, “I trust you.”

“You don’t,” Mikhail insisted. “Otherwise, you would have known it wasn’t me yesterday.”

“You didn’t know it was me either!” Brax shouted, marching back over to the desk. “Not at first, at least.”

Mikhail nodded, feeling tenser with each passing second. “True. I reacted to Z’s words with my heart, not my head. I got protective of Jinx and pissed on her behalf instead of being logical. I was thinking like a mate. If my head was clear, I would never have believed you would speak that way about Jinx. Because I trust you.” His gaze bored into Brax. “But you didn’t have the same extenuating circumstances.”

Brax rested his palms flat on the desk, leaning into Mikhail’s space. “So, you get to have an excuse, but I don’t? And you have the gall to use Jinx for it? Like you didn’t already decide you weren’t her mate?”

“I didn’t say that. And it’s not an excuse. I’m being honest with you. I should have known it wasn’t you sooner. I regret it, and I apologise—again.” He’d already apologised multiple times. “My point is that you don’t trust me. And I think you don’t want to.”

Brax pushed away, giving Mikhail his back for a moment. When he turned back around, his expression was defeated. “You’re right. I don’t want to. You abandoned me, Mikhail. Willingly. What if you do it again? You used to be my hero; did you know that? Then you died and became my nightmare. And now you’re back, and you haven’t fixed anything . I can’t help wondering, where did my hero go? Did he die on the floor of the throne room with a crossbow bolt through his heart? Did he get lost out there playing rebel soldier? Because all of this …” He gestured to Mikhail, his hand moving from head to toe. “This is not the man I idolised. This is not the brother I loved.”

“You’re not the brother I loved, either,” Mikhail said quietly, too quietly. He stood up slowly, keeping his eyes trained on Brax. He’d given the man plenty of opportunities to express himself. But Brax hadn’t returned the favour. Well, now it was his turn. He was no hypocrite; he believed everything he’d said to Jinx the day before about releasing and healing. Plus, Jinx had reminded him of one very important fact … he was the King .

When Brax opened his mouth, Mikhail shouted, “Shut up, Brax! Shut all the way up!” He stalked around his desk, wanting no barriers between them, physical or otherwise. “I’m sick to death of hearing about how everyone is disappointed in me! I’m tired of hearing about how I fucked up and how much I hurt you all. I know , okay? I fucking know it!”

Brax went chest to chest with Mikhail, snarling in his face. “Then why did you do it? Why do you keep doing it?”

“Because I’m the King!” Mikhail bellowed. He shoved his brother, forcing him back a step. “I’m the fucking King! With the crown comes a mountain of responsibilities, a strict set of rules, and an unending torrent of pressure.”

“ The crown is heavy ,” Brax said, his voice higher and tossing in some air quotes for added insult.

“Heavy? Heavy? ” Mikhail repeated. “It’s fucking suffocating!” Emotions bubbled to the surface, spilling out from where they had been buried and festering for years. “Did you ever once stop and think what it was like for me to be born first? To have my destiny plotted and planned by others from the moment I drew my first breath? Did you ever once think I might have liked a choice? A choice about how my life was going to be lived? Of course, you didn’t. Because you took those choices for granted. You accepted what was demanded of me just like everybody else.”

Brax screwed his face up like all he could smell was minion shit. “What are you talking about? Are you saying you never wanted to be King?”

“I’m saying I wanted to be asked. I’m saying I wanted my feelings to be acknowledged. I’m saying it would have been nice not to have my autonomy taken away while I was still in the cradle,” Mikhail explained, feeling exhausted and trapped. “But that never happened. So, I followed the protocols, I obeyed the rules, I completed the lessons, and I became a king that Father could be proud of. I became a king that Purgatory could be proud of.”

He took a breath, looking around the ornate room where he ran his realm. And where he would save his realm. “Do you understand what that means? It means putting Purgatory first. It means putting my people first. Even at the expense of the people I love. Even at the expense of my own inner peace. Because that’s what being a king is all about. I have to be completely selfless. And I know you don’t believe that,” Mikhail said quickly, not letting Brax get a word in.

“You believe it was selfish to do what I did and selfish to ask Sabre to be a part of my plan. It wasn’t. It was in the best interest of my people. And I’m done apologising for it. Even though I am sorrier than I can ever articulate. Even though it hurts me more than anything else I’ve ever experienced, I’m done apologising for it. I’m done feeling guilty. I’m done explaining myself.”

Mikhail strode to the door and flung it open. “I am King. I am a product of what our society has wrought. I will not be questioned further. You are dismissed.” When Brax didn’t move, he spoke icily, ignoring Draven and the few guards watching on in shock. “Did you hear me? If you can’t be a brother, you’ll be a subject. And subjects do what they are told. Get out.”

Brax walked over, but instead of leaving, he carefully shut the door, keeping his eyes on Mikhail. When they were alone, he cleared his throat. “I believe I owe you an apology.”

Mikhail wasn’t sure he wanted one. In fact, he knew he didn’t. Not when it wouldn’t be sincere. “Forget it. I’m not interested.” He went to put some distance between them, but Brax grabbed his arm. “Abraxis …”

“Wait, Mikhail. Please,” Brax appealed, not letting go. “You’re right. You were born first, pre-destined to be King. It’s a burden I can never truly understand. Because it’s not mine. I may be a prince. I may have royal blood. But I don’t feel Purgatory in every part of me. But you do, don’t you? You feel it right down to your DNA.”

“Yes,” Mikhail rasped. “And nobody ever acknowledges it because nobody knows .”

Brax squeezed Mikhail’s arm, finally letting go and taking a step back. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this before?”

“What difference would it have made? Would my fate have changed course had I said I would rather play chess with my brothers than learn a dozen different dialects so I can communicate with my future people?” He shook his now-pounding head. “It would have changed nothing. Besides …”

“Besides what?” Brax asked softly.

Mikhail opened his mouth, only to snap it closed. He’d said more than enough for one day.

“Come on. Don’t stop now,” Brax urged. “I think we really need this. Tell me.”

Brax had a point, he thought. Perhaps this is what they both needed to be able to move on. So, he lifted his head up and admitted, “I didn’t want to have to tell you. I wanted you to ask. I wanted you to think to ask. I wanted you to care enough to ask.”

Brax flinched, his whole body jerking. He rubbed his chest with his hand, saying only, “Brother …”

“Don’t,” Mikhail spat. He backed up until his back met the wall. He felt like he was about to shake apart. “I don’t want your pity, and I don’t want regrets. That’s not what this was about. I don’t need or want you to feel sorry for me, Brax.”

Brax made no attempt to move closer but didn’t speak again until Mikhail looked at him. “Pity is not what I feel for you. Pride, love, awe … those are more accurate. But you’re going to have to take the regret because I am so sorry for never once thinking about how you felt about being King. I’m ashamed, Mikhail. And that’s the truth.”

Mikhail groaned, lowering himself to the floor. He banged the back of his head against the wall, once, twice, before a large hand slipped between it and the wood. “Let me have my concussion,” he argued.

Brax chuckled, lowering himself to the floor next to Mikhail. He stretched his legs out and rested his head against the wall gently. “I don’t think so. We need your head. It’s the only one screwed on right. We both know Z’s isn’t. And mine clearly hasn’t been.”

“It’s okay,” was all Mikhail could think to say.

“It’s really not,” Brax insisted.

Mikhail sighed. Brax’s body radiated heat like a furnace, and for some reason, he felt cold. When Brax suddenly shuffled closer until they were shoulder-to-shoulder and thigh-to-thigh, pulling Mikhail’s head down to rest on his shoulder, Mikhail very nearly cried. Brax did see him. “Thank you.”

“You were right,” Brax said, breaking the silence after a while. “We are not where we were before. And I think that’s a good thing. I was blissfully ignorant of your struggles. And though it hurts me to admit it, I never understood you. Not completely. And that’s because I didn’t bother to look.”

“You didn’t know to look deeper,” Mikhail said in his defence. “I doubt many of our ancestors did either. It’s just the way it is.”

“Not anymore,” Brax declared. “That mindset is over. And you can bet your kingly butt that I’ll remind you of the fact when your children are born.” Brax shrugged his shoulder, dislodging Mikhail so he could look at him. “So, no. Our relationship isn’t the same. It’s better. From now on, it’s stronger and healthier than ever.”

Mikhail sniffed, averting his watery eyes. “Okay. I like strength and health.” And when Brax laughed, Mikhail joined him. “I don’t feel sorry for myself most of the time,” he promised when they had quieted. “We are who we are. And that’s okay. It’s just hard to remember when I know what I could have if I hadn’t been born first.”

“You’re referring to Jinx,” Brax guessed correctly.

“Yes,” he said with a pitiful sigh. “Jinx.”

“Hold up.” Brax rolled his head to look at Mikhail with a frown. “Is that why you didn’t accept Jinx as your mate? Because you’re King?”

Mikhail threw his hands up. “Of course it is! Do you think I would have turned down that incredible woman for any reason other than the duty that has been burned into my bones?”

“That doesn’t make sense, Mikhail. Father had Mother. Our grandparents had each other. I mean, it’s kind of how our line works. Marriage and babies.”

“It’s not the same thing,” Mikhail muttered. He hadn’t lied to Jinx or the others about his reasons for denying a bond with Jinx. The timing sucked, he had shit to deal with, plus duty seeping from his pores. But there was another reason he hadn’t disclosed.

“Why isn’t it?” Brax demanded. “Because it’s you?” Mikhail just shook his head. “I’m serious, bro. Spell it out for me.”

Mikhail scrubbed his face with his hands before looking at Brax. “Because none of them were mates. Not true mates, biological mates, fated mates—whatever you want to call it. I’m not minimising the love our ancestors shared, don’t get me wrong. But the mate bond isn’t the same as a marriage.”

Mikhail closed his eyes, remembering the feel of Jinx’s soft, warm body yielding beneath his own, giving him more pleasure in one moment than he’d ever experienced in his life. “If I was to accept Jinx as my one true mate—something I want more than my next breath—she would become my world, Brax. Our hearts would beat as one. That’s what happens in shifter matings,” Mikhail reminded him. “Their hearts beat in unison, and they feel each other’s pain and pleasure. That simply can’t happen. Jinx cannot be more important than the people.”

Saying it out loud brought with it a sense of impending doom. He’d told Jinx they would explore their relationship once it was safe to do so. But in his heart, he knew it would never be safe. He said as much to Brax.

“But …” Brax glanced around, looking a little lost. Mikhail knew just how he felt. “Mikhail, you deserve to be happy.”

“Deserve?” Mikhail nodded his head in agreement. “Sure, I do. But am I entitled to be happy? Not so much. I am entitled to rule . And that’s what I will do.”

“I can see where you’re coming from,” Brax said slowly as if choosing his words carefully. “And I will honour your decision, whatever it may be. But if that’s how you truly feel, then why the hell did you sleep with her?”

Mikhail’s head whipped to Brax so fast that his neck cracked. “What?”

Brax rolled his eyes, giving Mikhail a playful shove. “Come on, man. I know I was blind yesterday with Z, but I know what post-coital euphoria looks like. And so does Sabre.”

Mikhail blanched. “Sabre knows too?” He cursed when Brax nodded. “It’s not like I planned to. It just … happened,” he finished lamely.

The attraction had been there with Jinx from the beginning, but the intimacy was increasing with every conversation. And after she’d crumpled from the pain of her past, sharing his body with hers felt like a natural progression. He wasn’t about to share that, though. He’d yet to tell Brax about the collar but knew Jinx was telling the others right now. It’s why he’d dismissed Sabre earlier.

Brax side-eyed him. “Do you expect me to believe you tripped over with your dick out, and it landed inside Jinx?”

“What the fuck?! Abraxis!” Mikhail shouted, jumping to his feet.

Brax bit his lip, his amusement plain to see. “Sorry. That was rather crude. No disrespect to Jinx.”

Mikhail crossed his arms over his chest, towering over Brax. “But disrespect to me?” He snorted. “Nice.”

Brax groaned. “Damn, you’re touchy at the moment—no disrespect to you either. In fact, after today, you have my unconditional respect for all eternity. I just hope you know what you’re doing. If you’ve decided you can’t ever be mated, don’t you think sleeping together will make things more difficult? More painful?”

Mikhail’s ire deflated. “Yes. It probably will. We did discuss it first, you know. We didn’t rush in irresponsibly. We both agreed to be intimate without bonding.” He rubbed his chest where he swore his heart was hurting. “I figured it was better than nothing. But now I know I was wrong. It’s going to make things a hundred times worse.”

Because now I know what her sweet body feels like wrapped around mine, he thought silently.

“Maybe …” Brax began, but Mikhail glared at him. Brax sighed and dragged himself to his feet before yanking Mikhail into a hug. “Right. Not my place. But know that I’m sorry.”

“Thanks,” Mikhail said, his voice muffled thanks to Brax’s giant chest. “I am, too.”

Brax slapped Mikhail’s back one last time before stepping back. “What about Sabre? If you don’t want to live with a pissy, vengeful guardian angel for the rest of your life, I suggest you reveal your true motives for rejecting Jinx. Right now, she thinks you’re being stubborn and that your excuses are flimsy and pathetic. She doesn’t know it’s all deep and meaningful.”

“You could be right,” Mikhail acknowledged. He hesitated a moment before saying, “I’m not sure it will matter. There’s still a lot of unspoken pain between Sabre and me, just like how we were an hour ago. We’re living and laughing; the gods know we love one another. But we’re just not … right.”

“So, make it right,” Brax urged.

The thought of confronting Sabre the way he’d done with Brax gave him anxiety. But he knew his brother was right. “I’ll make it a priority,” he swore before moving on. “Speaking of priorities, we have another one. It concerns Jinx …”