Le corbeau qui se voulait coucou

"What is this about, mon chaton ?" Patrick signed as soon as he saw Jean-Fran?ois in front of the Centre Saint-Sébastien. The mall was busy that Saturday morning. Brandon was at home giving piano lessons, and Wei was in school with Saturday morning classes. "It sounded like an emergency. Is your mom okay?"

By his side, Enzo had his brows furrowed. Jean-Fran?ois had come to town all the way from Perpignan to check on his mother, who was sick with a bad case of pneumonia.

"She's recovering. She's okay. That's not why I called for a meeting. It is an emergency indeed. I want to discuss your little problem," Jean-Fran?ois signed. "Let's go inside. I'm famished."

Patrick sent a quick glance at Enzo. He had no desire to talk about his issue in front of him. He hadn't told him about the phone stalker because he knew Enzo would freak out.

"What problem?" Enzo asked out loud as Jean-Fran?ois pulled the door to the mall open and stepped inside. Patrick relished the heat finally warming him up. He was cold in his button-down shirt and black slacks. Spring wasn't here just yet. He could hardly wait.

"I'll explain inside," Jean-Fran?ois gestured at Enzo .

"Is upsetting Enzo with this really necessary?" Patrick whispered under his breath so only Jean-Fran?ois could hear—but he'd underestimated Enzo's ability to read lips.

"Upsetting me with what?" he asked on cue, using his soft voice.

Patrick's nostrils flared as he rounded his eyes at Jean-Fran?ois. "See what I mean?"

"I'm getting offended. You two had better tell me what's going on and now," Enzo signaled, his hand motions going fast enough to show his rising anger.

Patrick sighed heavily and shook his head at Jean-Fran?ois. "Happy now?"

The three of them went toward the café by the entrance of the mall and waited in line at the counter. The couple in front of them took their time to order. Patrick was fidgeting. He didn't want to have the impending conversation. Not one bit. Jean-Fran?ois flicked his long ponytail back with a suave move of his hand and gave Patrick a sideways grin.

"I'll have an allongé ," Patrick signed.

"How many coffees do you need? This has to be your third already," Enzo replied.

"Yeah, well, I'm exhausted. I haven't slept well."

"I wonder why," Jean-Fran?ois replied, clicking his tongue and rolling his eyes then his neck in such a way that his ponytail came right back over his shoulder.

Enzo laughed at his friend's sarcasm. He probably thought Jean-Fran?ois was referring to the excessive coffee consumption .

"Don't laugh," Jean-Fran?ois chided him. "This is serious business."

Enzo stopped chuckling and fumed, "Yes, well, you haven't told me what the huge mystery is about yet. I'm pretty mad you guys have been keeping secrets from me."

Patrick sighed, though he had no idea what the deal was with Jean-Fran?ois today. They hadn't seen each other in months. He had hoped this was going to be some kind of fun outing, but Jean-Fran?ois had decided to make it annoying as fuck.

The three of them ordered their drinks—a café allongé for Patrick, an apple juice for Enzo, an iced tea for Jean-Fran?ois, coupled with a box of six pastries, including croissants, pains au chocolat , and apple turnovers. They carried their trays inside the café and sat at a beige wooden table with four matching chairs.

Patrick barely had time to settle before Jean-Fran?ois blurted out, "Someone is harassing Patrick on the phone. It's been going on for a while now."

Enzo's eyes bulged as he read his lips. " Quoi? Pourquoi t'as rien dit? " he signed frantically.

Patrick sighed.

"I said nothing because he knew you wouldn't approve and you'd freak out, just the way you are doing right now," Jean-Fran?ois motioned.

"First of all, I'm not freaking out," Enzo signed so fast, Patrick barely had time to understand him. "And not approve of what? Of course I don't approve of stalking. "

Jean-Fran?ois flicked his long ponytail over his shoulder and raised his eyebrow at Patrick. "Should I tell him or you will?"

Enzo's gaze darted between the two of them, his face red because he'd been kept out of the loop and was upset.

Patrick's nostrils flared. "How about you tell him, genius?"

Jean-Fran?ois bit his lower lip. "Fine." He looked at Enzo and signed, "Patrick got himself a freaky fan on Grindr."

Enzo gasped, his mouth wide open. "Grindr! Since when do you use Grindr?"

"See, I knew you'd judge," Patrick replied, pursing his lips.

"Does Brandon know?" Enzo asked with swift movements.

"Yes, he does," Patrick affirmed. "I closed my old account when we became serious. But then, the pandemic happened, and I got bored. Brandon agreed that I could go on the app as long as I don't bring a guy over to fuck. It was just for fun."

"Your husband lets you do that?" asked a gaping Enzo, ever the sweet, innocent one.

Patrick dismissed his reaction with a flick of his hand.

"Well, it seems you attracted a freak," Jean-Fran?ois signed. "Now we have to figure out who it is." He took a bite from his apple turnover and licked his finger when apple sauce dripped on it.

"How far did it go on the app?" Enzo motioned before opening his apple juice and pouring it into a glass.

"Exchanging some pics and flirting a bit." Patrick cleared his throat, a reaction Jean-Fran?ois picked up on instantly.

"What is it?" his best friend asked .

"Huh?" Patrick played innocent.

"What did you do?"

Enzo's eyes broadened even more. "Brandon doesn't know about the pictures, does he?"

Patrick shifted in his seat. "Well, I'm sure he doesn't mind. I didn't send my face, after all."

Enzo tsked and Jean-Fran?ois shook his head.

"Okay, Pontius Pilate, are you done crucifying me on the cross?" Patrick snapped, none too happily. So much for getting support from his two best buds.

"Pfff, you're no Jesus Christ." Enzo laughed.

"So you sent this guy pictures of your dick?" Jean-Fran?ois asked.

"He already knew what it looked like. I'm telling you it's someone I've had sex with before. Just don't know which one."

"Right, the list is rather long." Jean-Fran?ois laughed.

"You're one to talk, jerk."

Patrick took out his phone and showed them a message from two weeks prior.

HIDDEN NUMBER: Monsieur PsyAGrosseBite , you're still hung, huh? Gosh, I miss that cock.

" PsyAGrosseBite! " Enzo exclaimed.

"Shhh," Patrick told him to quiet down, not wanting the entire café to know his Grindr screenname was "ShrinkWithABigDick." He felt exasperated at this point. "I'm starting to think it's my ex. "

"Which one?" Enzo signed.

Patrick pursed his lips. "I only have one real ex. The others were just random fucks."

" OH MON DIEU! Do you mean Cédric?" Jean-Fran?ois squealed louder than necessary. "That'd be quite like him! Bastard!"

Patrick signed for him to shush. "The good thing about signing is Cédric doesn't know sign language, so if he's observing us right now, he won't know what we are saying."

Jean-Fran?ois looked around and asked, "You think he's here? Observing us? What a sick fuck! If I find him, he'll taste my knuckles. I've been waiting for years to kick his ass. Since that day he gave you crabs."

"Who the fuck knows if he's here?" Patrick replied as Enzo shouted, "He gave you crabs?!"

"Damn it, you guys, please, scream even louder so the whole mall can hear you, why don't you? Jeez!"

"Wouldn't you recognize him if he were here?" Enzo gestured.

"Not necessarily. He could have changed."

"Goddamn it. I swear if it's him, I'm going to whoop his ass," Jean-Fran?ois added.

Enzo looked at them in turn, his brow knitted. He didn't know the entire truth about Cédric or how depressed Patrick got in his early twenties. Enzo had no clue how dating Cédric had nearly killed Patrick. Even Jean-Fran?ois never uncovered how serious Patrick's condition was. Only his family knew .

"Maybe he got what he deserved," Jean-Fran?ois joked. "Just as I planned."

Patrick stared him in the face. "Please tell me you didn't."

"Didn't what?" Enzo asked, still glancing at them in turn.

"I sure fucking did," Jean-Fran?ois exclaimed with a loud chuckle, clapping his hands on his thighs.

"You tried to hex him?" Patrick signed, angry.

"Yep. I asked my friend Sylvie. She's an expert."

"For fuck's sake!" Patrick exclaimed and leaned back in his chair. He couldn't believe this. Jean-Fran?ois hated Cédric's guts so much that he'd bought a witchcraft book to cast a fucking spell on the motherfucker.

"What do you mean ‘hex' him?'" Enzo signed.

Patrick huffed through his nose. "Jean-Fran?ois used to be deep into the occult. He even brought a Ouija board to our apartment once and tried to summon some fucking spirit."

Enzo gestured, "You don't believe in God or the supernatural. Why are you so angry?"

"I choose not to believe. That's my choice. When I'm dead, I want to stay dead, period. That doesn't mean there isn't shit out there I don't even want to contemplate. You don't play with a goddamn Ouija board!"

"Are you, Patrick Lefèvre, saying you fear ghosts?" Enzo asked.

"What? No!"

"You just said Jean-Fran?ois tried to summon something to the apartment. And you're very upset about it."

Patrick made a face .

Jean-Fran?ois signed, "Patrick doesn't like to talk about it because the entity actually did come to us and took too much of a liking to him."

"Aww please," Patrick dismissed him with an incredulous face. "Let's be serious for at least two seconds. There never even was an entity."

"Says the guy who screamed in the middle of the night that someone invisible was touching his dick," Jean-Fran?ois replied.

"It was a night terror, genius. Again: There. Never. Was. An. Entity," he pronounced slowly.

Enzo was staring at him as if he meant to ask something, and Patrick swallowed on the ball in his throat. The intrusive nightmare had been awful enough that he never wanted to think about it again. But it was just that: a stupid nightmare.

"Cédric's a fucking plague," Jean-Fran?ois complained.

Patrick looked Jean-Fran?ois straight in the eyes. "What did you do?"

"What?" Jean-Fran?ois asked while looking at the people passing by in the street as if to avoid the confrontation.

"What did you do to Cédric? What kind of a hex did you cast?"

Jean-Fran?ois shrugged, still not facing him. "Nothing he didn't deserve."

"Spill it," Patrick asked, slowly losing his shit.

"I may have cast a spell assuring he wouldn't be able to perform anymore."

"What?" Patrick shouted, drawing attention to their table .

"What does that even mean?" Enzo asked.

Jean-Fran?ois burst out laughing so loud, his Adam's apple jumped in his throat as he rolled back his neck. "Enzo, really? I cast a spell to make his dick soft. It was supposed to be for a few months only, just so he would stop spreading diseases, fucking prick."

Patrick grabbed his face in his hands and exhaled loudly, trying hard to keep his cool.

"You don't believe in that stuff," Jean-Fran?ois told him. "Why are you so mad?"

"For fuck's sake!" Patrick snapped a bit too loud as he banged both his hands flat on the table. Other customers turned their heads toward him. "I don't believe. It doesn't mean we should test it and bring a curse on ourselves."

Jean-Fran?ois laughed. "You're sure scared for an atheist."

"Goddamn it! I can't believe you tried to hex Cédric."

A ting came right then that made Patrick curse even more. He looked at the screen. "It's him. Cédric. Here is proof."

He showed them the screen.

HIDDEN NUMBER: I want to ram your ass again so bad, mon chaton .

Enzo made a face, his scar digging into his left cheek. "Eww. Is that the stuff he sends you all the time?"

"How do you know it's Cédric for sure?" Jean-Fran?ois cut him off .

"I've only bottomed for two men in my life: Cédric and Brandon."

"Spare us the details," Enzo signed.

"Could be some random guy who doesn't know you mostly top," Jean-Fran?ois volunteered.

"No, he knows stuff about me."

HIDDEN NUMBER: Ram you in the bushes of La Pépinière again.

"I'm telling you it's him. I've only done crazy shit like that with him."

He showed them the phone. Enzo's eyes widened, but he refrained from commenting. His face was bright red as he blinked in all his coyness.

"Let me reply," Jean-Fran?ois said, trying to snatch the phone from Patrick.

"Absolutely not," Patrick replied and typed fast.

PATRICK: Cédric, leave me alone.

The reply took one full minute to come through.

HIDDEN NUMBER: How did you figure it out, mon chou ?

PATRICK: First, stop it with the pet names. Second, it doesn't take a diploma from Polytechnique to figure it out.

Patrick sure wasn't going to let Cédric know that, besides his husband and him, no man ever got to penetrate him. He sent a quick side glance at Jean-Fran?ois, who was signaling with his hands that he meant to take the phone. Patrick swatted him away.

"I want to talk to him."

"Absolutely not."

Before Patrick could react, his friend grabbed the phone and started typing fast. Patrick took it away from him, but too late.

PATRICK: If you don't stop harassing Patrick, I will find you, and it won't be your dick I curse this time. – Jean-Fran?ois.

HIDDEN NUMBER: Real cute, sweetheart. Let Patrick fight his own battles. And what's that about cursing my dick?

Patrick groaned, but Jean-Fran?ois was so fast, he couldn't react before his friend took the phone again.

PATRICK: If you couldn't get it up after the break-up, that was me and my curse on you. You are welcome. – Jean-Fran?ois

HIDDEN NUMBER: Nothing happened to my dick. It's quite functional, as Patrick will find out when I get to fuck him again.

"It should have worked," Jean-Francois exclaimed, his face closing off in disappointment.

HIDDEN NUMBER: Did he ever tell you about the time I managed to convince him to invite a girl over for a threesome ?

"What the fuck?" Jean-Fran?ois shouted as Enzo's eyes widened, looking over his shoulder.

Patrick felt like digging himself a hole and never coming out. Jean-Fran?ois held the phone over his head as Patrick tried to get it.

"Nuh-uh. I want to know what this means."

"For fuck's sake," Patrick snarled.

HIDDEN NUMBER: Patrick fucked her, just for me, just because I asked.

Patrick felt himself turn pale. He'd never told anyone about this. He was ashamed of it, mortified that he'd let Cédric manipulate him into fucking a woman. It was after their break-up.

Cédric contacted him, claiming he wanted him still. Like the possessed fool he was, Patrick met up with him. When the woman showed up, Patrick was too enthralled and horny to back down. He truly believed Cédric wanted him back. Turned out the bastard just wanted to play.

Patrick managed to take the phone from Jean-Fran?ois this time and typed, quick as lightning.

PATRICK: Shut your goddamn face.

HIDDEN NUMBER: Oh Jean-Fran?ois didn't know? Ultra-gay Patrick getting an orgasm from a woman… Because you did come that day, didn't you, mon chou ?

" Connard de merde ," Patrick growled. Yes, he did come—only because he'd pretended he was fucking a guy.

Jean-Fran?ois leaned over the table to read upside down. " Ben dis-donc, mon beau! "

He signed for Enzo to know what was going on. Enzo gasped and looked Patrick straight in the eyes. There was something in his gaze like disbelief, but maybe also a hint of disappointment.

Jean-Fran?ois snatched the phone again, and Patrick promised himself it would be the last time.

PATRICK: So you managed to guilt-trip your gay boyfriend into fucking a woman. You've got nothing to be proud of, asshole. No wonder he hated bi men for ages. You give us all a bad rep, fucking prick. – Jean-Fran?ois

Patrick took the phone from him, his nostrils flaring as he started to see red.

PATRICK: If you don't leave me alone, I will go to court and sue you for harassment. Do you understand me? Leave me and my family alone.

HIDDEN NUMBER: Your daughter is quite lovely. Is she not supposed to be in school right now? Because she's outside smoking with her friend Ga?lle. Seems the Gauloises are her favorites. It's not the first time I've seen her smoking them. I'm surprised you've never smelled it on her. You're so anti-cigarettes. I might go over and ask for a twig. TTYL.

" Putain de merde ," Patrick exclaimed as he swiped through his phone fast to hit 17, the police's phone number. He felt the world slow down into eternity as he waited for them to pick up.