13. Jude

Chapter 13

Jude

I didn't move from my spot beside the cookfire, though it had long since died low. I had been lying here staring up at the sky since dinnertime—which I hadn't bothered to eat—as the sky panned through a kaleidoscope of colors, finally settling into a deep navy blue. The kids had created a chorus of squeals and laughter, Mal trying to teach his little brother and cousin how to make snowballs, before everyone had retreated into their cabins for the night. The soft murmur of voices was all that was left to be heard. Even the lights from their windows had dimmed to the warm flicker from fireplaces. All that was left was me, staring up at the stars, trying to find the exact constellation of Morgan's freckles.

There , my wolf said, coaxing my attention over to the west. Morgan's left cheek .

My beast had long since given up trying to convince me to go back to our mate. He was the only one who understood my suffering. While we both agreed on Morgan being our first priority, we disagreed on what needed to be done to keep him safe, but it was hard for him to argue with someone who wouldn't listen, let alone be willing to talk about it.

A door opened, but I didn't turn my head to look. I knew who it was.

Shan's boots crunched through the snow as he made his way over to me. "Jude, you can't stay out here all night."

I sighed, not bothering to answer. If it was a challenge, I would prove to him that yes, I could in fact lie right here, forever if I had to.

My Alpha crouched, lowering his voice in a way that sounded kind without being full of pity. "Your clothes are soaked through. At least take your fur if you intend to sleep in the snow." Another long silence stretched between us. "Look, I've kept my opinion to myself, and I've even made sure the others don't ride your ass about whatever has gotten under your skin. I haven't asked you a single question about what happened in the city, mostly because I know you won't talk about anything until you're good and ready, but I want you to know that I'm here for you. We're family; even better, we're pack. I'm going to assume it has something to do with your mate?"

My flinch was answer enough. He nodded. "That's what I thought. Nothing messes with an alpha like his omega." He chuckled with affection for his mate. "You don't have to say anything, but I want you to remember all the grief and chaos and danger Tristan and I went through to win our mates. Love does not come without a cost, but I am telling you, it is worth it, because the bliss that exists on the other side is everything. And don't forget, whatever trouble you're facing, you're not alone. We'll help you get there. All you have to do is ask."

Shan reached down and squeezed my shoulder briefly. "Now go to bed, Jude. It's easy to get lost in the dark, but maybe in the light of day, an answer will present itself. Tomorrow is a new day."

I snorted at his sage bullshit, and his smile flashed in the moonlight. "Sweet dreams," he said before standing and heading back to his cabin.

I watched him go, and when he stepped inside, I caught a glimpse of Brody waiting for him, and my heart gave a sharp pang of longing for what they had.

You had it, dipshit , my wolf cussed.

"Yeah, yeah," I grumbled, rolling to push myself up. Jeans were always bad, but they were doubly worse when soaking wet, rubbing and chafing in sensitive creases. I kicked snow over the remaining coals, steam hissing as the fire was snuffed out, then wandered over to my tent. I toed off my boots and stripped off my wet clothes and left them outside, before crawling in. The canvas kept the worst of the wind out, and even though snow had fallen, the temperatures were still mild enough to sleep in my skin. My sleeping bag wasn't comfortable anymore, though, not after I'd spent an hour in Morgan's bed.

Nothing was as good anymore. The food, the peace and quiet; none of it meant anything to me without Morgan here to share it with. I'd never been a fan of the city—too full of humans—but I suddenly found myself yearning to return, regardless of the risk.

After tossing and turning for what felt like hours, I fell into a fitful sleep, plagued by awful dreams. And the remnants of a memory…

I cuddled into Daddy's side, my eyelids heavy. It was too early to wake up, but I'd had another dream about the bad man. My daddy always made me feel better. He carried me to his room so I didn't wake up my little sister, then tucked me into his narrow bed and lay beside me. He picked up the book from the bedside table. "Let's see, where were we…" We'd been reading a book about a little girl who was so smart she taught herself to read and then learned how to do real magic.

"I wish I could be a child pro-prod-progidy," I mumbled, yawning.

"Prodigy," Daddy corrected.

"Yeah. I wanna be smarter than grownups. And do magic. Then I could unlock the doors and fly us far away from here." I patted Daddy's round belly and put my ear up against it. I always wondered if I could hear the baby inside, but Daddy said it was just his tummy gurgling.

"And if we could fly anywhere, where would you want to go?" This was a game we played sometimes. The " anywhere but here " game.

It was a hard game to play, though. Daddy had tried to describe all the places he'd been, using words like city and ocean and rainforest, but I couldn't picture them in my head. The only thing I'd ever seen were white walls and a tiled floor… a metal table and bright lights and sharp needles that hurt…

I shivered, burying my face further into Daddy's shoulder. "Far, far away," I said, my voice muffled. "I wanna see the beach. Can you tell me again what it looks like? "

"Mm, good choice. The beach is covered with sand, so soft and warm on your bare feet, and it shifts under you as you walk. Closer to the water, where the waves wash up on the beach, the sand becomes firmer, and you can pack it into a bucket then turn it upside down, and it will keep its shape. You can build whole castles out of it."

I smiled, trying to see it in my head. "Can we live in the sandcastle?" I asked wistfully.

"Sure, baby," he said after a moment, but his voice sounded funny. I didn't want to look up at him, because I knew he was probably crying again. It made me so angry when Daddy cried. I didn't like that he was so sad all the time, but I was just little. What could I do to make him better?

I heard a door open and my whole body went tense. Daddy wrapped me up in his arms. The guards didn't open the doors; they just looked through the windows. Only the bad man opened the door. I could already smell the icky smoke that stuck to his clothes and skin. I peeked over Daddy's belly when I heard two sets of footsteps, even though I didn't really want to look. But I couldn't not look. That was scarier.

"Dr. Gray," Daddy said when the bad man in the white coat stepped through the doorway .

The director smiled, but it didn't look like he was happy. "Good morning, Jesse. I've brought a colleague of mine for my visit today. This is Dr. Taylor."

The second man came closer and sat on the end of the bed. I lifted my head to get a better look at him. He was young, closer to my daddy's age, with wavy blond hair and blue eyes, and he had a nice smile. He waved a finger at me when he caught me peeking. "It's nice to meet you. I'm very excited to be working with Dr. Gray. What do you say we have a quick checkup, just so I can get better acquainted with you both, and then we'll play some games. Do you like games?" he asked me.

"Just me. Please," Daddy said. "Leave Jude out of it."

Dr. Gray chuckled. "Now, now, Mr. Parr, you know we can't do that."

" Please ," my daddy said again, and he sounded almost angry, his eyes flashing yellow. "He doesn't even have his wolf yet. There's no need to do any tests until after puberty."

Dr. Gray's bushy eyebrows dipped low, and he opened his mouth to say something mean, but the new doctor held up a hand, and Dr. Gray stopped. "It's fine," Dr. Taylor said. "I don't want to make waves today. I'm just here to introduce myself. Maybe next time I can bring some presents for Jude and Amelia." He smiled at me again, and I found myself smiling back. He wasn't as scary as the bad man. "You like books?" he asked, pointing at the book still sitting in my daddy's lap.

I nodded. "I like funny stories and ones with magic."

The corners of his eyes crinkled when he smiled. "Okay, I'll see what I can do. Now, do you think I can borrow your daddy for a few minutes? I'd just like to see how your little brother is doing in Daddy's tummy."

I looked up at Daddy, and he nodded, nudging me away from his side. "It's okay, Jude. I'll be back in a few minutes. Okay?" He tried to smile like he was happy, but I didn't believe him. His mouth looked all twisted up.

The three men walked out and through another door where I knew the metal table and pokey needles were. I stayed where I was in Daddy's bed and picked up the book, trying to read the words. Daddy had been teaching me the alphabet, and I sounded the letters out one at a time. "M… Mat…"

My words were cut off sharply when a distant scream sliced through the room. I whimpered, burying my head under the pillow, trying to hide from everyone and everything. And even though my daddy told those men I didn't have a wolf yet, he was wrong. I'm here , he said inside me. I will protect you .

The scream went on and on…

My eyes flew open, the scream still echoing in my ears. Except, it wasn't just in my dream. Someone was screaming within the camp!

Throwing off the sleeping bag, I charged out of the tent, searching for danger. The sky was clear overhead, the moonlight cutting a sharp line through the trees. My wolf lent me his eyes without asking, and I scanned the tree line. I smelled no smoke or fire, no blood, only the sour tang of fear. Dressed in only my boxer briefs, I paid no mind to the snow beneath my bare feet as I sprinted across to Tristan's cabin, where a light had just turned on.

The screaming had stopped quickly, but as I approached the door, I heard sobbing. I knocked softly, my heart slamming against my ribs. The door opened, Tristan rubbing a hand over his face. His blond hair was disheveled, his eyes bloodshot. "Thanks for not breaking the door down. I appreciate your restraint." He smirked, but it was missing its usual humor.

"What's wrong?" I demanded, grinding my teeth together. I wanted nothing more than to barge past him, to make sure that everyone was okay, but I reminded myself that this was his home, his family. They were not mine to protect.

Tristan's gaze went to where my fists were bunched at my sides. "It's okay, man. Pax just had another nightmare. He's been getting a lot of them these days, but this was a bad one."

My nostrils flared, and I closed my eyes, taking deep, slow breaths. Just a nightmare…

"Do you want to come in and check on him?" Tristan asked gently. "Would it help to see that he's not hurt?"

I peeked past him to where Dylan was lying in bed, cradling a sobbing child to his chest, rocking him side to side. Dylan looked up, his dark eyes pleading. "You don't mind?" I asked, to be sure I wasn't overstepping.

"Yeah, come on in," Tristan said without hesitating. "Maybe it'll help distract him. Sometimes it's hard to get him to calm down after a dream like that. I think he… sees things. Vesta said he's like her, that he catches glimpses of the future." He shook his head, his eyes glassy. My friend looked so tired, and not just from the disturbed sleep. "He's too young for that kind of burden. He can't even talk about what he sees. How can he possibly understand what it all means? "

He choked up and wiped the back of his hand across his eyes, then stepped aside and wordlessly gestured for me to come in.

"Look, Pax," Dylan whispered sweetly to his son. "Look who's here. It's Uncle Jude."

The rhythm of Pax's crying changed, from whining to a choked hiccup, as he shifted away from his dad's chest to peek up at me. His fair hair was stuck to his forehead from the sweat. It must've been a doozy of a nightmare. There were tears on his blond lashes, his cheeks rosy and wet. And those eyes…

My throat tightened as those all-seeing eyes locked on me. "Joo-Joo," Pax said, using Mal's nickname for me, as he reached out his chubby hands for me to take him.

"Hey, buddy, did you have a bad dream?" I asked, sitting on the edge of the bed and taking the child from Dylan.

Pax nodded then wrapped his arms around my neck and buried his face in my neck. He was so small, so fragile. It felt good, comforting, to confirm that he was okay. Nobody was hurt. Everything was fine.

I couldn't help feeling like everything was not fine, though. I felt a strange prickling sensation. Was it just a coincidence that I would wake up from a nightmare at the same time as Pax? I wished he could tell us what he'd seen .

Pax's tiny body began to relax in my arms. He'd stopped crying, and Tristan blew out a relieved sigh. "I wish I'd known you were the nightmare cure-all. I would've had you come over sooner."

"You know I'm here for you guys anytime, day or night. I don't mind." I rubbed my palm over Pax's back, then eased him back into bed with Dylan. "There you go, buddy. You get some sleep, and in the morning, I'll make snow angels with you."

Pax didn't smile like I'd hoped, though. He was still watching me too intently, and when I went to pull back, he grabbed me, his tiny grip tight on my finger. His little face scrunched up in a frustrated grimace, and I felt like he had so much he wanted to tell me, but he just didn't have the words yet.

"It's okay," I told him. "I'll see you tomorrow."

I didn't really want to leave, I still felt unsettled, like I was missing something, but I forced myself to head for the door. "Okay… good night."

The air felt colder when I stepped outside, without the adrenaline to keep me warm, as I closed the door behind me. I was about to head back to my tent, but something caught my eye. A shadow, a silhouette against the bright white snow. "Vesta? "

The shaman was standing outside in nothing but her nightgown, her feet bare. She was staring blankly off into the woods. "Vesta, what are you doing out here? You'll catch your death of cold." We would have to keep a closer eye on her if she started wandering off.

I crouched down to look into her face. I wasn't sure she was even awake. I reached out to touch her, but her hand snapped up, and she gripped my arm tightly. "You think you're protecting him, but you're not," she rasped. "The doctor, he… he won't give up… so easily."

She blinked slowly and took a deep, gasping breath. "Jude?"

"Yeah, it's me. I'm here." I reached out slowly and set a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm so cold," she said, stumbling into me.

I didn't hesitate to pick her up, and I swore she didn't weigh much more than Pax did. "I had such an awful dream," she said softly, leaning her head against my chest. "I think you were there…"

"Let's get you back to bed." Goosebumps crawled up my bare back and shoulders. Was it just a dream, though? All three of us had a nightmare at the same time, and she'd said the doctor wouldn't give up. What doctor? Surely she didn't mean one of the doctors from my past .

While I was walking up to Vesta's cabin, I heard the door to Shan's place open, and he hurried out to join me. "Vesta? What happened?"

"Just a dream," I said, looking over Vesta's head at him. We shared a knowing look. We both knew her dreams were never just anything.

Together, Shan and I got her tucked back into bed, and she was asleep within seconds. We stepped outside, closing the door behind us.

"Did she say what her dream was about?" he asked warily, while scanning the woods for danger. The last time there'd been a prediction about us, our camp had been invaded by a cackle of hyenas hellbent on revenge. Shan was right to be worried.

I sighed, staring up at the constellation of stars I'd decided to name Morgan. "We need to talk," I told him. I could feel him watching me, weighing what I might be about to say.

"Sure, but not out here. You'll catch your death of cold," he said, like a doting parent would, and my heart flooded with fondness for my Alpha. "Let's go grab some tea."

We walked across to the indoor kitchen, and the warmth of the space wrapped around me like a blanket. I dropped heavily down onto a bench, staring at my hands in my lap. It was well past time to tell Shan about where I came from, and if what Vesta said about the doctor was a prediction of what was to come, then I couldn't afford to hold back any longer.

I waited as Shan boiled the water then poured it into two mugs, and the comforting aroma of chamomile and mint soothed my nerves.

It's time , my wolf agreed. We'd kept our secrets long enough.

The door opened, letting in a blast of icy air. "Pour one of those for me too, would you?" Tristan asked, sitting down across from me and leaning his forearms on the table. "You didn't think I would miss the big reveal, did you? I've been dying to hear you spill your guts for ages."

I glanced up at him. "How did you know?"

He huffed a laugh. "I didn't, but Pax wouldn't settle after you left. He just kept patting me, trying to get my attention, and saying ‘Joo-Joo' over and over, so I knew his dream probably had something to do with you."

"Yeah, I figure it probably did," I admitted.

Shan brought the mugs over and sat at the head of the table. "The floor is yours," he said.

I wrapped my hands around the mug, focusing my attention on the swirling steam so I didn't have to look into their judging eyes. "You know I wasn't raised like you guys, I'm sure. When I showed up at your campsite that first night, I had no outdoor skills. Couldn't start a fire, couldn't even hunt as my wolf. I wouldn't have survived without you, I have no doubt. But you might have also noticed that I'm not very good in the city, either."

Tristan huffed a little laugh, no doubt remembering my intense dislike of crowds, fast food, and hotels. "You don't say," he quipped.

"I grew up in a facility, not sure what to call it. A lab, maybe? I don't think it was government run, nothing so sophisticated as that, but there were guards, doctors…" I remembered watching my little brothers and sister disappear one by one through that unmarked door, accompanied by Dr. Taylor in his white coat with his even whiter grin.

"They were doing experiments on us, like measuring body temps, endurance, hurting us to watch how quickly we healed. Breeding us…" My eyes flicked up, but as soon as I caught a glimpse of the horror crossing my Alpha's face, I looked back down. "I think I'm half human," I whispered. I'd never said those words out loud, but I no longer felt the self-loathing at the possibility—not since I'd met Morgan. Being part human wasn't so bad—it was being related to one human in particular that filled me with rage.

It was so quiet that I heard Shan's hard swallow. "Your parents…"

"My omega father raised me—as much as they would let him, anyway. He loved me, regardless of how I was created, but he was a prisoner, just like the rest of us. I don't know for sure who my alpha parent was, but I can guess." Dr. Gray's stern face came to mind, his eyes green like mine.

"The rest of you," Shan echoed. "You once said you had three younger siblings."

"Yes, a sister and two brothers. Amelia, Carter, and Isaac."

The pause in the conversation drew out, and I knew what they wanted to know without them asking. "They're gone now," I said, choking on the words. A tear dropped onto the table in front of me, soaking into the wood, and I forced myself to continue. "One by one, they came into their wolves, and one by one, the doctor took them through a door… and they never came back. They took my dad last. And then I was the only one left." I closed my eyes and felt my tears tracking down my cheeks. I hadn't let myself cry over their loss, and I was scared that now that I'd let the emotions out, I would never be able to put them back in.

I needed to get through this. "I never found out what happened to them. I don't know if they're alive or dead. All I know is that my dad told me if I ever got the chance, I needed to run. So when a door didn't latch shut all the way, that's what I did. I ran."

From the corner of my eye, I saw Shan reach for my hand, but he paused as if he knew I wasn't ready for the contact. If he touched me, I was liable to break before I got to the end of the story. "Why didn't they take you?" he asked gently.

I shook my head sadly. "They told me I was broken. They probably thought it had to do with the human half of my DNA. Not once while I was kept in that place did I shift. They thought I was some half-breed failure." I laughed darkly. "But my wolf knew what would happen if he took his fur, so we fought the moon's pull for years. It was…"

Torture , my wolf said.

Yes, but we survived . Sometimes I felt like we needed that reminder.

"I always knew you were stronger than the rest of us," Tristan said, both praising and teasing at the same time, and his lighthearted answer helped lift the weight of burden that had been pressing down on me for years.

I swiped a hand across my cheeks to clear away any remaining tears. "Thanks, Tris. "

"Sure, bro, I've always got your back." Then his smile slipped. "But what does that have to do with Pax's nightmare?"

I glanced at Shan. "Vesta had a nightmare too. She said she dreamed about me, and something about a doctor not giving up. Maybe… maybe he's found where I'm hiding. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted me to leave, to lead him away if I could, but I also don't want to leave the pack undefended if they're coming here."

"You're not going anywhere," Shan said, finally closing the distance and laying his hand over my forearm. "Whatever is coming, we'll face it together. That's what pack does."

My chest filled with a mixture of fear, dread, and so much love for my found family. "Thank you."

Shan lifted his mug to his lips, but it couldn't hide the smile drawing the corner of his lips up. "Now… tell us about your mate."

Tristan choked on his tea, spattering the table with the liquid. "Mate?! When did you get a mate, and why am I the last to hear about it?"

"You're not the last. You're barely the first, since I haven't even come to grips with it myself yet." I couldn't help but smile when I thought of Morgan, but it slipped away quickly when I remembered the bruises I left on his neck. "He's… human, and I've been so angry with humans for so long, I guess I inadvertently blamed him for what happened to me too." I scrubbed a hand over my face. "I've been so stupid. Logically I know he had nothing to do with it, none of this is his fault, but I was so angry, so scared, and I… I took it out on him. I hurt him." Shame rose up inside me, and I welcomed it. Morgan was safer without me.

"Well, shit," Tristan muttered, leaning back in his chair. "Is he okay? How bad did you hurt him? What did he say?"

"We were, you know, having… sex, and I was too rough. I left bruises on him." I gripped my short hair in my fist and pulled hard enough to sting. "And he didn't say anything, he was sleeping, but I left a note."

Tristan blinked owlishly at me. "Were they consensual bruises?"

"I… what?"

He crossed his arms over his chest, a typical Tristan smirk forming. "Well, like, when Dylan and I get down and dirty, we can get a little rowdy. Sometimes we use restraints, and he loves it when I spank him and—"

"Tristan, not the time," Shan scolded.

"Right, anyway, my point is that if we weren't shifters, we would constantly be covered in bruises, but they just heal quickly. Did your mate tell you to stop? "

I frowned, starting to get his point. "No. He… said it was perfect."

"There you go then." Tristan spread his hands out as if I'd just proven his point. "I gotta say, though. You have way more control of your instincts than I do. If my mate were in that kind of danger, no one could keep me away from him. Just look at what I went through for Dylan."

I was so confused. "But I'm the one who hurt Morgan, and I left. What danger is he in now?"

Tristan and Shan shared a look I didn't understand, but it made me feel terribly naive, every inch the shifter who'd grown up without a pack. "What?" I snapped.

"Well, you just finished telling us a story about the human doctors who experimented on you and your family, and we suspect Vesta and Pax had a dream about those same doctors, that they haven't given up looking for you. But who's to say they haven't found your mate instead."

I suddenly felt as though I'd been plunged in cold water. Pain burst behind my eyes, and I couldn't breathe. I left my mate, my one and only, among those humans I didn't trust.

"I've gotta go," I mumbled, lurching off the bench.

"Of course! Go! But maybe get dressed first. Humans have a thing about nudity." Shan pulled the truck keys from his pocket and tossed them to me. "Good luck. I look forward to meeting your mate."

In under five minutes, I was in the truck, heading back toward Fairhome. And when I came home, I promised myself it wouldn't be alone.