18. Anna

18

Anna

Freedom was one step away. All I had to do was turn and leave. I knew the way to the witches. They could come back and get Jax and be prepared for whatever he had in store for them.

It probably wouldn't lead to his death.

"You're not breathing," I snapped as I knelt down by him to check out the trap. I couldn't leave him here. Not even if it was in my favor.

"Maybe because I was thinking you'd leave me," he said weakly. I glanced at the blood trickling down his leg. It was serious, but he wasn't going to die just yet.

"I should have," I muttered as I focused on the magic. It wrapped around me, brushed along my skin, tried desperately to claw at me and trap me the way it had trapped Jax.

I'd lied to him before. I didn't have a way to dispel the trap. I didn't need it. After a moment of touching me, it turned dark and died. Just died and dissipated into nothing.

I couldn't tell him that. I knew what it made me. My father knew what it made me, and he'd locked me in the house for six months while he schemed for a way to use me.

Nobody was going to do that ever again.

His strangled gasp was the only indication I had that the spell had released him. The damage was already done, and the blood was still soaking through his jeans. Praying that Finn was right and there were no wolves in the vicinity, I helped him up. When he swayed, I hissed.

"It's just a stupid cut. Get yourself together."

"Feel dizzy," he muttered and tried to focus his gaze on me.

Damn it, the spell had done more than physical harm. It had gotten it's claws into him.

There was another cave entrance a quarter of a mile from where we were, and somehow, I managed to drag him there. By the time I laid him on the ground, I was exhausted and furious.

"If you'd done what I said, you wouldn't be bleeding all over the cave right now," I said crossly as I dug around in the pack for a bandage. He wasn't bleeding enough that he needed to shift, and frankly, I preferred him to stay human. It was easier to hate him when he was human.

"True."

"You don't trust me. Why would you bother to let me come along if you don't trust me?"

"No other option."

"Keep it up, and you'll get yourself killed. I haven't done anything to warrant your distrust."

"Except kill other wolves," he said flatly. "You admitted it that night. Women. Children."

Snapping my head up, I glared at him. "I've never killed a child. Never. Not when they begged me to. Not even when I knew they were never going to escape and it would be a mercy."

With a hiss, Jax grabbed my arm. "Tell me."

"Why? Why do you care? When this is all over, you'll never see me again. You'll be free of me. You'll never have to think of me again."

His hold tightened. "That's not true. I think of you every fucking day. Didn't last night teach you anything? It doesn't matter where you are. I'm always thinking of you."

Holy shit.

I should have pulled away, but I just stared at him while my mouth went dry.

"I keep myself up thinking of pounding into you. I haven't been able to be with anyone else since I was cursed, so yeah, Anna. I do want to talk about it. I'd really like to know if the mate who consumed my thoughts is a goddamn cold-blooded killer."

It never occurred to me that he would feel the same. When I fingered myself at night, thinking of him, I thought surely it was one-sided. Surely it was just my screwed-up brain forcing my body to finally want but only for the man I couldn't have.

Last night was eye-opening. At least knowing it was the bond made me feel a little better.

"Are you really going to let me go when this is over?" I asked tensely.

"Yes." He released me. "I am. You can't be part of my pack. Parker was the only one I trusted to protect you. I put Danny in charge, and I had to kill him not three weeks in."

Shock reverberated through me. "You killed Danny?"

"For trying to rape you? Yes."

"How did you know?"

"Amaya, the wolf who caught you trying to escape, reported it. She knew what was happening. They had a hands-off policy because, despite everything, you are my fucking mate.

When I find out who branded you, they'll die too," he said quietly.

I swallowed hard and went back to bandaging his wound.

Hearing Marsh talk made me realize how much of my life has been controlled. How much had been taken away. I'd always known that I'd gotten the short end of the stick, but I'd done some terrible things too.

I'd deserved my punishment, but maybe it was time for me to try and forgive myself. I didn't even know if that was possible, but if Jax really wanted to know, I would tell him.

"I was thirteen the first time I tried to flee my father. He caught me, hauled me back, tied me up, and left me for three days. When he returned, he had a special blend of wolfsbane. He dipped a blade in it, forced me to shift, and carved into my wolf. The pain was excruciating. It was another six years before I tried to run again. My scars used to really turn on Marsh and some of my father's other friends. They'd make me shift into a wolf just to see them. Sometimes, they experimented with other ways to see if they could scar her. For years, I was their plaything.

When I turned sixteen, he started kidnapping women. I helped one escape. As a punishment, he ordered me to kill the other. I refused. He carved into her until she begged for death. That night, I smothered her, in human form, with a pillow."

It was my first kill. It was a long time before I stopped seeing her whenever I closed my eyes.

I kept focusing on cleaning the blood while I talked. Jax had gone so tense that I thought he might shatter.

"What he does to them is unimaginable. He wanted a pack and thought he could create one, but he was impotent, so he'd torture them. The few times he left me alone with them, to help heal them so they wouldn't die before he was done, some of them would beg for death. I gave it to them. A few times, when I couldn't kill them or when I thought they could make it on their own, I set them free. He always found them, and we would both be punished. They died screaming.

Saul's sister was the only one to make it back. I released her knowing damn well she probably wouldn't live long. I just needed her to live long enough."

Silence filled the cave, and I finished dressing the wound. "That is not what I meant when I asked if you killed for him," he said hoarsely.

"Does it matter? Sometimes he asked and sometimes he didn't. Sometimes I had to kill them because they were still screaming, and he had friends coming over. I'd have their blood on my hands while I served them fucking coffee."

"Jesus, Anna…"

"I am a killer, Jax. If you don't trust anything else about me, trust that. You should get some sleep. You're going to feel sapped of energy."

"How come the spell didn't get you?"

He was already drifting off to sleep. "If I told you that," I said so softly I knew that he couldn't hear, "you would never let me go."