22. Penelope

22

PENELOPE

ONE YEAR AGO

I let the water run over my face and then my body as I try to wash away my betrayal. What did I do? Why did it feel so good?

Linc’s body, his hands, his lips.

Every bit of him wanted me. At least for last night. He didn’t shove me away. He pulled me closer. And if anything, my being dirty seemed to turn him on further.

“Fuck them all, P. If they don’t see you, fuck them.”

The memory of his words send a shiver through my body as I wash off and climb out of the shower, drying my hair and body, but not putting much effort into my look, pulling my hair into a low pony and avoiding the mirror.

Linc was gone when I woke up in bed alone this morning. Not shocking. He got what he wanted. Why the hell would he stay?

I quickly find my clothes from last night, putting them all back on except for my panties. Those I throw in the trash. When I see a pair of black sunglasses with white sides sitting on the dresser in the Sterling’s master suite, I look out the window. The sun is bright and so is the glare of my indiscretions.

I pull them on my face and walk down the long hallway that seemed longer last night when I was buzzed and in a daze from my fight with Colt.

There are people spread all over the living room in various states of dress, most of them asleep, passed-out from a long night of partying. The once elegant and grand living room is now trashed with empty cups, liquor bottles, and food everywhere.

I don’t see either Sterling brother as I escape out the front door, unsure of where I’m going, but I know I can’t breathe in there anymore.

As soon as I burst out to the front deck and the fresh air fills my lungs, I feel a quick surge of relief followed only by misery when I see Colt sitting on the porch swing, his face full of distress. His eyes move to mine as he looks from where he was staring out at the lake and then to me. “Pea? Where were you?”

I feel nothing but awful guilt at his question, not lowering my sunglasses because I can’t face him or what I did last night.

He stands up and walks to me, the worry only multiplying on his handsome face. Although, it doesn’t look like he slept last night. He’s still wearing the same clothes, and I don’t think he’s showered. “I looked all over for you. Where were you?”

“I slept in your parent’s room.” Not a lie.

“Shit. I didn’t look there. I assumed it would be locked. They always lock it before letting Linc come up.”

Sounds about right.

He looks pained as his hand slides over my arm down to my hand, his fingers sliding through mine. “Are you okay?”

I wrinkle my brow as I look at him. What kind of question is that? “No. Are you?”

How could I be okay after last night?

“No.” His hand doesn’t release mine. “I’m so sorry, Pea.”

Typical Colt, always doing the right thing. He wants to make sure we part on good terms. A nice “Thanks for the great years together. I hope we can still be friends.”

I pull away from his grip and walk to the edge of the deck, looking out over the water. I’m angry about so many things. I’m pissed that he didn’t want me and that he thinks I’m not good enough for him. I’m pissed that I thought I could trust him and that I did wholeheartedly. I’m so angry at myself for sleeping with his brother because, even if Colt and I aren’t together, I know that they’ll never come back from that if he ever finds out.

“Don’t leave me, Pea.”

I turn around to look at him, confusion swimming through me. “What?”

We broke up. He basically broke up with me.

“I was an asshole last night.” He walks closer to me, his face sullen and desperate as his blue eyes beg me to listen. “You wanted to give me this beautiful gift, and believe me, I wanted to accept it.” It sure didn’t seem like he did. “But I just . . .” His hand grips his hair, and I see the stress on his once happy face.

I take one step in his direction. “You what?”

I have to know. I need answers. He’s been so different the last few weeks.

“I let the pressure of my family get to me, and it’s no excuse, Pea. It’s absolutely fucking ridiculous.”

I search his face, hating how responsible he always is but also knowing that’s something I’ve always been attracted to. My whole life, I’ve had no control, but Colt was always so calm and sure. “You can’t live your whole life for them, Colt.”

“I know. My dad has told me since I can remember that it’s my responsibility to carry on the legacy of our family, to uphold the Sterling standards.” I despise the tortured look on his face, knowing that’s been instilled in him since day one. “You know it won’t be Linc to do it. He hates our family, and I can’t put it on Asher.”

“You don’t have to be perfect all of the time.”

He fills the gap between us, his hand cupping my face, his touch soothing. But I also have to fight the recoil I feel knowing I let another man touch me last night. His brother. “That’s why I love you so damn much, Pea. You’re the opposite of me.”

I’m glad I’m wearing the sunglasses because my eyes tear up. “You still think I’m dirty.”

“No.” He looks horrified. “Never. I’m so sorry you thought that last night or ever, Pea. That’s not what I meant.”

“What do you mean then? You’re perfect, so what does that make me?”

He doesn’t miss a beat. “ Real . Pea, there’s no such thing as perfect. It’s all fake.”

I stare at him, unsure what to say to that.

His other hand moves to my cheek as he holds me in place, unable to see my eyes through the dark lenses, but it’s still as if he sees me. “I love you. We are different, and the things you’ve been through do scare me.” I swallow the shame, but he holds onto me, his eyes burning through to my soul. “Those things don’t make you dirty. They make you strong, Pea. I’m in awe of you.”

I fight a sob working up in my throat, and I’ve never wanted to disappear more in my life. Why couldn’t he have just said all that last night?

We could have talked and made love, sweetly bonding to each other forever.

He drops his hands to my waist and pulls my body into a hug. “Please don’t leave me, Pea. I love you so damn much.”

I close my eyes and hold onto him, my hand smoothing over his hair. “I love you too.”

“I’m so sorry, Pea.”

I let him hold me, and I struggle not to cry. When I open my eyes, his body still pressed to mine in a tight embrace, I see Linc standing just beyond the other side of the deck, watching us with cold disdain.

“I’m so sorry, Colt.” I whisper as he holds me tighter, my eyes on Linc.

We all destroyed our lives last night, and I know we’ll never be able to truly come back from the wreckage.