37. Alana

THIRTY-SEVEN

Alana

I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!

~ The Wizard of Oz

S tevens has a tour scheduled. He needs to leave shortly. I have an hour to decide what to do about this mess.

“I can cancel my tour,” he offers.

He’s still sitting at the kitchen island with me, his hand over mine on the counter, his face etched in concern.

“No. Don’t. It’s probably better if I have a little time to process everything.”

“I’ll call you when I’m finished.”

“Okay. And I’m sorry.” I smile weakly at him.

“For what? You weren’t the one discussing echinodermata sphincters on social media. I’m pretty sure I owe you an apology.”

“What did you just say?” I laugh despite the weight hanging over my head.

“Echinodermata sphincters. And trust me. That’s the last time I’m saying it.”

I snort laugh. “I bet I could get you to say it again. ”

“I bet you could get me to do anything.” He walks around the island, leans down and kisses my forehead. “We’ll get through this. Please don’t worry about me or what this will do to me. I’ll be fine. Remember. I survived a whole era of sea hare fame. I’ve got this.”

I lean in and hug Stevens. He wraps me in his arms, absorbing everything. I don’t know how he does it, but for a moment, I believe him.

He’s not out the door five minutes when my mother calls.

“Alana! What is this Caroline is telling me? I saw the video of your conversation with this man. Is he the yoga instructor? The man in the fish suit?”

“One and the same.”

“You’re dating a yoga instructor who somehow has a penchant for strange sea creatures? You’re too young for a midlife crisis, Alana. This has to stop. Your father and I have a plan. We’ve spoken to Rex. He’s on board. We’ll be sending a driver to pick you up this afternoon.”

“Mother …” I try to interrupt her, but she’s driving forward, intentionally giving me no openings.

“We have close to a month until your premier, darling. You and Rex promised me you would continue your relationship at least until then. Have you even given that man a chance? Rex was nominated for an Oscar. He’s a kind man. You two are well suited for one another. I’m not one to step into your personal life. You know that. After all, I allow you to live on that island in your hut on the hill, but the antics must stop, Alana.”

She sighs heavily, but then continues. “You may as well be taking cans of red and white paint and donning a target on your chest. Do you realize the heyday the press is having with this? They’re calling you a cheater. They’re speculating that you’re carrying this man’s child. It’s getting out of hand and the story is not even a few hours old. Couple this with the blurry photo outside your LA apartment and they think he may be a UPS driver! Alana. A U.P.S. DRIVER ! How is this even happening? Your father and I are trying to set you up to inherit the production company. And you are undermining yourself at every turn.”

My mother takes a deep breath. There’s the sound of her swallowing water. “I’m going to have to schedule a deprivation tank session after this is settled.”

She sighs.

Oddly, I feel for her.

“Mother?” I wait to see if I’ll actually get a turn this time.

“Yes?”

“I love him.”

“Oh, Alana. Please. Don’t start in with that. Love is something that comes and goes. It’s a trite emotion driven by so many variables. I mean, I love my manicurist. And Jobert. Goodness knows I love Jobert. And your father, of course. He’s been good to me. And I love you, darling. But that’s different. You’re my child. But honestly, this romantic notion of having one soulmate who sets your stomach swirling and your nerve endings dancing and your heart rate spiking. The one? The one you wake thinking of, who invades your thoughts throughout the day? The one you’d sacrifice everything to have a life with? That’s an emotion, Alana. And emotions come. Emotions go. They are more fickle than the weather. You do not build a life on love. You build it on hard work and strategy. Alliances? Yes. Love? Hardly.”

I don’t even know what to say—not in response to my mother’s cynical view of life. I knew that’s what she thought. Of course, I did. Hearing her spell it out makes it all so real.

Mother blows out an exasperated breath.

“Alana. I love your heart. You always had such a soft heart. And I’m glad you found someone who makes you feel all that. Unfortunately, he can’t be anything but a fond memory and a sweet distraction. He was that. And you can always remember the fact that a fan got close enough to you to show you affection in person. But that’s all this can be. You simply cannot afford the fallout of a relationship with some Gilligan boat captain who goes around in fish costumes at galas and talks about slimy sea creatures breathing through their … My word. It’s over, dear. That’s all you need to know. Your father and I have to step in on this one for your sake. And we are.”

“I need to go. I’ll handle everything. I don’t want you and Dad getting involved.”

She won’t see what she won’t see. At least her call did me one favor. It clarified my decision. I know what I’m going to do.

“We’ll be sending a car and arranging a boat taxi for you, Alana.”

“Don’t bother.”

“Alana. Be reasonable.”

“I’ve been reasonable. I think I’ve practiced being reasonable since I started taking ballet, tap and jazz at three years old … and studying Spanish that same year. I’m pretty sure I’ve done my time being reasonable.”

“Alana!”

My mother is saying more, but I interrupt her, despite the fact that I never override her in anything. It’s high time I interrupted my mother.

“Goodbye, Mother. I’ll be in touch. I have a call to make to my publicist. Caroline does work for me, after all.”

I hang up.

I. Just. Hung. Up. On. My. Mother.

I have the urge to call Brigitte so she can do a happy dance. Later. I’ll do that later. Besides, Brigitte will try to change my mind. She’ll tell me there are ways around things. Her hope springs eternal. She may be close to my life, but she does not live it. Only I know the real impact going public will be to Stevens. And I love him too much to make him go through that for me.

My phone pings with a text.

Stevens : The paparazzi were all around the boat when my tour arrived. I didn’t say anything. Waiting on your instructions. I’m on the water now. Just me and the guests on my tour. Also, I’m thinking I need to tell my mother and the rest of my family about our relationship since news is spreading. I want them to hear about us from me, not some skewed article or post.

I’m about to answer when another text comes in.

Stevens : Please don’t worry about me. I’m fine. Do what you have to do. Just let me know what you need from me.

All I can think is, it’s my mother’s loss not getting to know this man.

Alana : You’re amazing. I hope you know that. I’ll get back to you with details.

Stevens : Anything for you, Graves .

Alana : Thank you. I’ll keep you posted .

I almost reflexively type, I love you. Those are three words I’ve never said to a man. I’ve said them to my mother, my father, and Brigitte. I’ve jokingly said them to Tank to make him squirm. I may never tell Stevens my true feelings for him, but my actions will convey my devotion.

I’d rather lose him than harm him.

That’s real love.

I always thought love would be enough. I think my parents have a degree of love for one another. They definitely share a mutual respect and a deep commitment to each other. I never wanted what they had. I wanted a love that woke me up, settled me down, and made me reorganize my life for another person. And now, I’ve found it. Only, I can’t ask Stevens to do what he thinks he wants to do for me. I need to take the bullet.

I call Caroline as I’m walking out the door. There’s one person I need to see as soon as possible—the woman who understands me, Hollywood, and Marbella Island. I’m on my way down the hill to her house as I call my publicist .

Caroline answers on the first ring. “Alana, tell me. What’s your decision?”

“Hi, Caroline. I’m ready to do the shoot.”

“Good news. So, what’s our angle?”

I fill Caroline in on my thoughts and what I’ve decided. She responds to me with the neutrality that makes her one of the most consummate professionals in her line of work in our industry. While Caroline outlines point by point what we’ll be doing and the part I’ll play, I shift gears into actress mode. I can pull off any role. Once I know my motivation and have a feel for what’s needed, I’ll deliver a performance. And this one will be my greatest and most necessary performance to date. I have no choice. It’s plain. Either I throw Stevens to the sharks, or I pass him the driftwood I’ve been clinging to and help him avoid drowning. He can survive the aftermath of the wreckage—but only if I make a way for him to float through it to safety.

“We have a complication,” I tell Caroline.

“Your mother?”

“How’d you guess?”

“I just got off a call with her.”

“That quickly? I just hung up with her less than five minutes ago.”

“That woman moves quickly. She didn’t get where she is by lying down in the face of things going against her will. She’s a fighter. She’s earned her place in Hollywood because of her fight, her talent, and her beauty. I’d never underestimate your mother, that’s for certain.”

“Well, it sounds like she and my father have a plan to try to show the world I’m still with Rex. And, according to her, they have Rex in their back pocket, or on their leash … whatever you want to call it. She told me he agreed to whatever it is they’re planning.”

“To announce your engagement to him?”

“To … what???”

“She planned to have Rex and you on camera with them. Rex was going to bend the knee. I think your father may have sweetened the deal with some film opportunities, but don’t quote me on that.”

I’m speechless.

“Anyway, I wouldn’t worry about it.” Caroline’s voice is breezy, dismissive even.

“You wouldn’t worry? Why not? My parents are bribing a man to fake a proposal to me so I can escape a scandal that doesn’t even exist. The only thing I’ve done wrong is falling for a marine biologist. And since when was that a high crime?”

“When I say don’t worry, I mean don’t worry.” Caroline’s confidence calms my nerves. “Rex had already agreed to the shoot with you. For all we know, he’s under the impression from your parents that you want to pull off this fake engagement … which, I’m not sure was meant to be fake, actually, but that’s irrelevant.”

Irrelevant? My parents are treating me like I’m living in the Middle Ages or a country where they still practice arranged marriages.

“And, Alana, it’s irrelevant because I’m quite sure when I talk to Rex again he’ll understand your decision and want to support you in it.”

“And if he doesn’t?”

“May I remind you that you pay me to manage your image. I will do my job.”

“Sorry. I know you will. And, thank you, Caroline. I truly appreciate you. I hope you don’t experience any fallout from choosing to do things my way on this one.”

“Your mother did use the words, ‘I’ll ruin you. You won’t work in this town again after this.’”

I roll my eyes. “She’s grasping at straws. If you pull off salvaging my image …”

“ When … When I pull off salvaging your image. It’s not if I do it, but when.”

“Okay. When. When you salvage my image, people will be banging down your door to have you rep them. ”

“I don’t have room for more clients, Alana. I’m good. Besides, your mother won’t be too put out by your choice. It’s enough of a concession on your part that she will be pacified.”

I can only hope—for Stevens’ sake.

I’m standing outside Phyllis’ home, finishing my phone call. When I pocket my cell, I walk through the gate and up the porch stairs. Phyllis swings the door open before I knock.

“I thought you might pop by.”

“You heard?”

“Dear, I’m retired, not dead. I keep my ear to the ground about Hollywood gossip. Most of the time it serves to keep me grateful I got out when I did.”

“Do you miss it, though? The good parts?”

“Of course.” She walks out onto the porch. “Let’s sit.”

Phyllis takes one of two comfortable seats set around a bistro table on her porch. I take the other.

“So, in answer to your question, yes. I miss memorizing scripts, bonding with my fellow actors, the well-stocked tables of food during filming, though we weren’t supposed to eat most of it. I miss acting. And I miss the fans. But I don’t miss all this—the invasion of privacy, the need to please the press, the fact that you don’t really fully belong to yourself.”

“Fame is like this living thing,” Phyllis says, looking me in the eyes as if to emphasize how important her words are. “You have to feed it, and then it grows. And you think it’s fun and harmless, alluring and desirable, until it turns on you. You thought you had the leash, but one day you wake up wearing the collar with fame yanking the chain. So, to answer your question, yes. I love acting. I’m not sure I love being famous. But I didn’t hate everything about being famous, even though my star never rose to the heights yours has.”

“I don’t hate everything about it either. I love being an actress, the variety of roles, being known. The best part is when I get to make a fan’s day by posing for a photo or signing something. I love so much about it. But this part? Not so much. ”

“Of course not. And you wear it well. But you have become accustomed to being holed up in that house of yours. You can’t even go out to buy your own loaf of bread without being mobbed. It’s a price you pay. I hope it’s worth it.”

“Most days it is.”

“So, about Stevens,” Phyllis says. “I know him. Did you know that?”

“Do you? What do you think?”

“He’s remarkable. Such a bright boy. And kind.”

I chuckle at the thought of Stevens being a boy. Though, I knew him then too.

“We played together at Locals’ Cove as children. Isn’t that wild?”

“It’s not so far-fetched. The island is small. You both were here on weekends. What a thing—finding one another after all these years.”

“It’s been the most amazing surprise. My parents hate me being with him.”

“I can only imagine. He’s not exactly boyfriend-to-a-star material. Not on the surface. I’d venture to say he’s been very good for you. You’ve been reclusive, even lonely. And now you have that glow to you lately. It’s the glow of a woman who knows she’s loved.”

Loved?

“I’m not sure if he loves me.”

“Well, from what I hear, he’s being awfully loyal for a man who’s merely in like.”

“I desperately want to protect him from the paparazzi machine. I’d do anything to keep him from facing all that brutality and invasion into his private life. He’s just so … good. He’s a truly good man. He's my Marbella. My safe place.”

“Yes. I see that,” Phyllis says. “And your parents are your Hollywood. I’ve been hoping this for you—that you would find friendships, even a romance, where you don’t feel like a pawn in someone else’s game .

“I held them off as long as I could: my parents, the paparazzi, the public eye. But now I messed up and he’s about to be in the thick of it if I don’t do something to pull the attention away from him.”

“And what do you have in mind?”

“I need to make the press believe he’s not what he is to me—that he was just running lines from a script, a stand-in to help me get a feel for the production. He can’t be seen as my boyfriend. The press will eat him alive—and not just this once. It won’t end for him. They’ll be persistent like a terminal disease, even in remission it looms on the horizon with the threat of a relapse. I can’t put him through that.”

Phyllis clucks her tongue. “I’m not going to tell you that you need to decide what you really want, but … you need to decide what you really want. Not for him—for you. You’ve already sacrificed so much for your career. Do you really want to sacrifice him too?

“Stevens is a catch. And I’m wagering that he loves you. Your life is what it is. You can’t protect him from your life and the blessings and curses that come with it. Either you are going to claim him and take this hit from the press. And, it will be a hit. No one wants to see a star dating a common man. You need to at least date a supermodel or a mogul or a billionaire—you know, no pressure.” Phyllis laughs.

“You’ll either claim Stevens publicly, or you’re going to have to publicly disown him. And that may cost you your relationship. Take it from one who knows the cost of losing a relationship that mattered. I believe you’re strong enough to take a stand for yourself and him, if that’s what you truly want.”

“Then again …” Phyllis winks knowingly at me. “You can always cave one more time, and let the media and your fans, and most of all, your parents, drive your private life.” She stares at me with her head tilted so she’s looking through her lashes. “It’s up to you.”

“I’ve already made my decision. And it’s the one I know I have to make for his highest good. This isn’t about me. It’s about him. I love him too much to drag him through the mud for the rest of his life.”

Phyllis’ lips thin. She spears me with a look that says she disagrees. For a moment, I almost second guess myself. And then I remember the reality: this will never be over for him once it starts. And I’m the only one with the power to stop the media before the neverending frenzy unleashes into Stevens’ life.

Phyllis says, “I’ve found, over the years, that what benefits one person, benefits both, as long as the decision is made in love. I hope you choose well.”

“Sometimes neither choice is a good one,” I quip quietly, almost under my breath.

“Yes. But there’s always the choice that leads forward—the one that might be harder, but has the greatest benefit despite the pain. That’s the one you have to make.”