Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

I jolted upright, nearly hitting my head on the ceiling of my berth. "Fuck," I said. "Fuck," I repeated, more softly this time.

The sun was shining through the porthole in my cabin, turning the sky a beautiful pink. It was time to get moving. Today, we'd head to Mayaguana, our last night on the boat before spending the week at the Huxley Grand Turks and Caicos.

After everything that had happened yesterday, putting some space between Sloan and me didn't seem like a bad thing. I didn't know how much more temptation I could resist. I mean…first, that kiss. God, that kiss. My memories hadn't lived up to the shattering reality of it.

But the look of hurt in her eyes that had followed had nearly gutted me. I hated seeing her so upset, especially when I was the cause of it.

I dragged a hand down my face. I was trying to do the right thing here. I always tried to do the right thing by her, even if it didn't always seem that way. But there was only so much a man could take.

My cock was almost always hard around her. So, in an attempt to relieve some pressure, I'd taken matters into my own hand. I'd tried to be quiet, but then she'd…she'd opened the door. She'd watched. Touched herself. Made herself come.

Fuck me, that had been hot.

But also… I buried my face in my hands. What the hell was I thinking? What was she thinking?

Sloan was my principal. My boss didn't care that we had a past. And when he'd told me to use it to my advantage, he sure as hell didn't mean jacking off in front of the client. Daring her to watch me even though she was already in a relationship with someone else.

I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling completely adrift.

She's with someone else.

The idea of Sloan with anyone else made me sick to my stomach.

Yes, we'd crossed a line. Several lines. But I didn't share. And even if I'd been willing to overlook the fact that she was in a relationship, I knew it would eat Sloan up inside.

I knew what it was like to sneak around. To lie.

We'd lied to my sister for years. Hell, we were still lying to her. It had been a point of contention for us. It had caused us both a lot of pain, especially Sloan.

And while I respected Sloan for keeping her promise to me—to not let what had happened between us affect her relationship with Greer—I hated myself for it. If I could go back, that was part of a long list of regrets when it came to Sloan.

I wouldn't ask that of Sloan again. Which was why this had to stop. I had to stop doing this—thinking we could be something more.

I sighed, rubbing a hand over my chest. The problem was, I didn't know if I could. Sloan had always been my anchor, grounding me when life was difficult.

When I'd been at my lowest after leaving the SEALs, she'd been there for me. She'd been supportive, listening without judgment. With her, I could be vulnerable in a way I'd never been before.

After my dad's death, it had felt as if the weight of the world rested on my shoulders. The responsibility to take care of my mom and Greer. To become the kind of man he would've respected—a hero, like him.

And then I'd gotten kicked out of the SEALs, and everything had come crashing down. But Sloan had been there for me. She'd loved me. Healed me.

But that was in the past. I needed to focus on the present. She was Hudson's client, for fuck's sake. And I'd worked too long and too hard to give up that promotion. It was within my grasp. All I had to do was keep my eye on the prize and my cock in my pants.

I dressed and headed out to check our position and the weather.

"Morning." Sloan peeked her head in from the deck. "Breakfast and coffee are in the microwave. Everything else looks good. I'm ready to leave whenever you are."

I scrutinized her expression, but she was as calm and beautiful as ever.

Okay… Was she just going to pretend last night never happened? Hell, maybe it was for the best if we simply acted like nothing had changed.

I was tempted to ask, but I reminded myself that she was the client. And after last night, I'd resolved to treat her as such. No more flirting. No more…touching. Kissing.

Fuck.

No. Not fuck. Definitely no fucking.

It was my job to keep her safe and, when possible, happy. So I swallowed back my questions, realizing that perhaps ignoring the problem in this situation was best.

I said, "Sounds good," and got ready to head out.

We motored into the wind, and as the island faded from view, I gave it one last lingering glance. On the island, it had felt as if anything were possible. As if something between Sloan and me could be possible.

If I were honest, I still wanted it to be possible. But I knew that was a fantasy, nothing more. I'd ignored protocol, discarded my principles like my swim trunks, and that couldn't happen again.

I checked and double-checked the weather, using the satellite phone to email security at the Huxley Grand Turks and Caicos. Everything was ready for our arrival tomorrow, and that should've given me some manner of calm, but it didn't.

When it was my turn to take the wheel, Sloan went below deck. I wondered if she was avoiding me. We'd barely spoken all day, and I had no idea what she was thinking. It felt as if all the progress we'd made the past few days had come undone.

I hated the idea of her pushing me away. Though it wouldn't be the first time, and I couldn't say I blamed her.

The door to my apartment opened and then slammed shut. I found Sloan pacing in the living room.

"What happened?" I asked, immediately on edge. "What's wrong?"

"I can't keep doing this." She continued pacing. "I can't keep lying to her. To everyone."

"I know." I went over to her, relieved, even as my stomach churned with guilt. "I understand, and I'm ? —"

"No." She raised a hand as if to silence me. "You don't. When I leave to come to your place, I have to lie. When I'm texting with you, I have to lie. When Greer asks who put that dreamy look on my face ? —"

"I get it." I smoothed my hands up and down her arms. "You have to lie."

Her shoulders slumped. "I hate lying to her. I'm a terrible friend."

"And I'm a terrible brother," I said. "But we can't control who we fall in love with."

She gasped, and I realized it was the first time I'd said the word aloud. I'd thought it a thousand times. It was always on the tip of my tongue.

She glanced up, meeting my gaze. "You…you love me?"

"Yeah, hayati ." I cupped her cheek, wishing I'd told her sooner. "I do."

She wrapped her arms around my neck and squealed. I held her close, my heart pounding as the realization sank in. I loved her. I am so fucked.

It was a good thing she wasn't fluent in Arabic or she would've figured that out months ago.

"I love you too." She peppered my face with kisses. "God, I love you so much, Jackson."

I didn't deserve Sloan or her love. I dropped my head to my chest. How could I ever give her the kind of life she deserved, when I'd been discharged from the Navy and we were hiding our relationship from friends and family?

"Hey." She angled her head so she was meeting my gaze. "What's that about?"

"You deserve more than this. More than I can give you." More than lies and secrets and…

"Jackson." She gripped my shirt, her gaze intense. "I don't want anything but you. But I can't keep living like this."

"What are you saying?" I asked.

"I want to tell Greer about us."

I jerked my head back. "What? We can't. You know we can't."

It wasn't the first time we'd discussed this, but I thought we were on the same page.

"We can," she insisted. "We love each other. Surely that will show her how serious we are, right?"

"Maybe," I hedged, still doubtful. "But if we tell her that we love each other, then she's going to realize how long we've been keeping this from her."

"What do you think?" Sloan asked as we neared our destination. The wind had shifted, and we were flying through the water, making good time. "Should we stop for the night or press on?"

"How do you feel?" I asked, deferring to her.

She lifted a shoulder, never meeting my gaze. "I'm good to keep going if you are."

"Maybe a few more hours. Just to put us closer to Turks and Caicos." And a villa where we'd have more space and less temptation.

"Agreed." Her tone was cold, distant.

We eventually anchored in about eighteen feet of water, and it was the first time we'd stopped all day. I could see straight to the bottom of the clear blue water, and everything looked good. That said, I didn't think I could handle another moment on the boat, avoiding the topic of last night. My skin felt hot. Itchy. Like it was too small to contain me.

I gestured toward the water. "I'm going to swim down to check the anchor."

"Why?" Sloan asked. "It looks good to me."

"Yeah." I scrubbed a hand over my head. "Peace of mind and all that." Though I knew it wasn't the anchor's position that was weighing on me.

She considered me a moment. "Okay. Thanks."

Sloan was in her cabin when I returned, the door closed. I could hear her talking to someone on the phone, and I assumed she was working. Or hell, maybe she was talking to Edward. I groaned.

A plate of dinner waited for me on the counter. Was this what the rest of the trip would be like? Impersonal interactions. Silent days of sailing. Meals alone.

I sighed and showered quickly, carrying my dinner to my quarters when I was done. I did some reading and then tried to sleep, but the boat kept rocking and rolling. Finally, around midnight, I went on deck to check our position but stopped short when I spied Sloan on the sugar sloop. She turned and looked at me over her shoulder. Her skin was bare, apart from a narrow spaghetti strap.

"Sorry. I'll, uh—" I moved to return below deck, but the look of absolute wonder on her face stopped me in my tracks.

"Jackson," she whispered, her tone almost reverent. "Come here. You have to see this."

"See what?" I furrowed my brow and went to join her. The boat no longer rocked and rolled as much as earlier, and I was grateful.

"Look." She swirled her hand through the water, and it came alive, twinkling as if filled with tiny green stars.

The sight was beautiful, but I was more in awe of her than the bioluminescent bay, cool as it was. Her legs were curled up to her chest, her chin resting on her knees. Her feet were bare, and my eyes cataloged every birthmark, every freckle.

"Incredible, isn't it?" she asked.

I sank down beside her, mesmerized by the gentle way she moved her hand through the water. For the first time all day, a sense of peace and contentment settled over me. I loved sailing with Sloan, experiencing new things. But these quiet moments with her were what I longed for.

"Do you ever wish you could go back in time?" she mused, her attention still on the water and the almost magical creatures who lived there.

All the fucking time.

But then I wondered if she was referring to last night. Treading carefully, I said, "Sometimes, sure. I would imagine most people have memories they'd like to relive."

"Mm." She gave a thoughtful hum. "If you could relive or redo any moment from your life, what would you pick?"

Relive?

Every moment with her. Good and bad, happy or sad, I would gladly take them all. But I didn't say that—couldn't. It wouldn't be appropriate for oh-so-many reasons.

"That's a big question," I finally said.

She laughed, lying back to look at the stars. Even surrounded by endless beauty, I couldn't look anywhere but at her.

"Why?" I asked. "What about you? Anything you'd redo? Any regrets?"

"Doesn't everyone?" She was clearly evading my question. Fair. I'd done the same thing only moments before.

I was afraid that all her regrets centered around her memories with me. That if she had the chance to go back, she'd not only change last night but everything between us that had come before it.

I'd caused her pain, and more than anything, I didn't want her to hurt anymore. If that meant erasing our past, I would've done it. All so she would've never experienced hurt.

But I was here to do a job, and getting involved with Sloan would put more than my future at risk. If my focus was compromised, her safety was too. I needed to put the past to rest once and for all.

"I'm sorry," I said, unwilling to let the words go unsaid any longer.

She kept her eyes on the sky, but she stiffened. "For what?"

"For contributing to your list of regrets." I placed my hand over hers, needing to comfort her even though it was far too late for that. "For disappointing you. For causing you pain."

She sighed, turning her hand so our fingers were interlocked. "I'm sorry too."

We were quiet a moment, drifting along. She yawned, and it was then I realized how tired she was.

"It's late." I stood, even though I didn't want the moment to end. "We should get some sleep. Tomorrow's going to be a long day."

We were hoping to set out early, and the Caicos Passage might be rough. We hadn't had any more issues with the fuel system or the motor, but the passage was a big undertaking.

I offered her my hand. She accepted it, and I pulled her up, slowly releasing her despite my reluctance to do so. The wind tossed her hair about, and I brushed some of the strands away from her face without thinking.

I dropped my hands and looked away. Shit. "Sorry. I…" I inhaled deeply and turned to go below deck. My willpower was clearly nonexistent when it came to Sloan.

"Jackson, wait." She grabbed my arm.

I stilled, my existence reduced to that one point of contact. Her hand on my skin. My name on her lips.

I couldn't keep doing this. It was going to break me—being so close to Sloan again after all this time. I didn't want to add to her list of regrets when it came to me.

I wanted to believe I was the best person to protect her, but I was so twisted up about Sloan, I was afraid of making a mistake. I was distracted. And distractions could be deadly in this line of work.

I rubbed my free hand over my face even as my heart felt like it was being ripped to shreds. She'd only just come back into my life, and I was going to have to give her up again.

My chest tightened at the idea of leaving her. Losing her for good. To hell with the promotion, the cost was too high—both to her safety and to my heart.

"I—" I swallowed hard and turned to face her. "Sloan…" Her eyes sparkled in the darkness like a beacon guiding me home. She was my home. My heart. My everything.